by B. J. Harvey
My eyes widened at Debra’s directness. She’d been abrupt with me since we’d arrived, yet she dived straight in there with the hard questions, questions that Sam and I hadn’t discussed in depth between the two of us let alone with her mother that I just met.
“I’m staying at the University of Chicago, Mrs. Richards.”
“It’s Ms. Richards. I never married the asshat thankfully.” My head shot back in shock at her retort. I held back a grin that I knew would not be appreciated in that moment, but I now knew where Sam got her dirty mouth from.
“Sorry,” I replied sincerely.
“So you should be.” Her eyes narrowed and suddenly I felt like I was on the witness stand at a trial.
“Mom!” Sam admonished, her cheeks glowing red as she hung her head embarrassed. Her hand holding mine in my lap squeezed apologetically and I knew that she was struggling.
“It’s okay, Sammy.” That earned a raised eyebrow which I ignored as I continued. “Ms. Richards. I applied to the University of Chicago so that I could stay near Samantha.”
“Hmm. And Samantha? Have you decided what you’re going to do yet?”
She sighs resignedly, looking sideways at me then turning to face her stony-faced mother. “I still have a year to decide, Mom.”
“Humph.”
Thankfully, our meals arrived after that and Sam was able to steer the conversation toward more popular topics of conversation, namely about her mother’s retirement and plans for the future.
The next thing I did wrong was standing up as I was taught to do when Debra excused herself to use the restroom. She frowned at me then left.
“I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m thinking it’s not just me though,” I whispered when her mom was out of hearing range.
“It’s not you. It’s just the way she is. I’ll smooth it all over later. You’re doing great. I love you,” she added, leaning toward me and kissing me gently, opening her mouth and allowing me to take over. It was a well-practiced dance that we had perfected over time. It was effortless, but still got my blood pumping in mere seconds.
Not realizing Debra had returned, we were interrupted by a stern throat clearing in front of us.
“Oh, shit,” Sam muttered. “Sorry, Mom. Didn’t realize you had come back.”
“Obviously. The young man here couldn’t have mauled you in private? Samantha, you know better than to conduct yourself that way in public. I’m no longer hungry. The bill is taken care of, so you needn’t worry, Sean.” She leaned down and kissed Sam on the cheek before nodding dismissively in my direction. “I’ll call you at twenty hundred hours, Samantha.”
“Well, that was an epic fuck up,” I declared. “Sorry, Sammy, but your mom is an A grade bitch. She disregarded me the minute she clocked me.”
She looked at me with those big, wide, green eyes of hers and I could see she was torn. “She’s just stressed. She’s retired from the job she says she was born to do, and now she’s at a loss as to what to do with her life. I’ll talk to her tonight. Let’s just go.”
And just like that, my meet the mother lunch was over and done with.
∞~~~∞
The car pulls up outside the club which looks busy with a line around the corner at least. Suddenly, the events of the night feel heavy on my shoulders. “Actually, can you take me to my condo? I don’t think I should be here right now,” I say to the driver.
He pulls out into the traffic and takes me home.
Now all I have to figure out is what the fuck happened with Samantha tonight, and more importantly, what the fuck can I do to fix it. But the one thing I know for sure is that Samantha Richards belongs in my life.
Sam
Me: Hels, I’m screwed!
Helen: Literally?
Me: No! I slapped Sean across the face after a thoroughly enjoyable dinner.
Helen: What the fuck, babe …
Me: It seems like such a blur now, but he was in control all night, then he mentioned going for a walk and I was freaking out because he wanted to talk.
Me: So I said it was great to catch up and now we won’t be awkward around each other. He accused me of trying to get out of talking about our past, I denied it. Then he said I still couldn’t be honest with myself.
Me: I told him he was barbaric thinking I’d spread my legs for a nice meal. He couldn’t get that image out of his head and asked how he could make it happen. So I slapped the arrogant smirk right off his face.
Helen: You finished?
Me: Nope, just getting started. At home now, drinking water because it looks like Vodka and I have a shift tomorrow.
Helen: Lucky you didn’t end up spreading your legs then ;)
Me: snort Don’t see that happening anytime soon.
Helen: I call bullshit, AGAIN. You need to sort your head out and claim your man. Sean IS the kind of man you NEED in your life, babe.
Rico: Sam, you be with who you want to be with. Don’t let my fiancée bully you
Me (sent to both of them): What the fuck, guys? Ganging up on me much?
Helen: He stole my phone, blame him. All right, babe, might see you tomorrow. Sleep on it. Think about what that man does to you just by breathing, then you’ll have your answer.
Rico: If he breaks your heart, I’ll kill him.
Helen: At least tell me the food was good. Rico owes me a date night.
Me: LOL. Food was awesome. Ethiopian restaurant, I’ll give you the details tomorrow. Love you guys. Thanks for letting me vent.
Helen: That’s what we’re here for, babe. Just sleep on it. Everything will be clearer in the morning.
Me: I fucking well hope so. That man pissed me off, turned me on, and scattered my brain all in the space of a few hours.
Helen: So nothing’s changed then ;)
Me: Shut up!
Helen: Love you, babe, you’re just too pig headed to admit you were wrong and you want him back.
Me: Shut UP!
Helen: ha ha.
Me: Enough. Sleeping now. Have a good shift tomorrow.
Helen: Will do. Night.
Rico: Night.
Me: You guys are ridiculous.
Helen: That’s why you love us. Now go to sleep!
I put my phone onto my bedside table, rolling onto my side and burrowing into the comforter. My brain is still wired though, so sleep will not come easily. I know I probably overreacted tonight. Shit. Okay, I did overreact, but that man knows how to push all my buttons. He said he wanted to see the fire inside of me … well, he got that back and then some!
I’m scared of losing that fire by submitting to any man, but especially to Sean. I was raised to always stay strong and independent and to never rely on a man for anything because they’re all rat bastards who will let you down. How can I let my guard down when the right man comes along … comes back? What if I can’t do it? What if it’s been up for so long that I can’t remember what it is like to be vulnerable again?
Oh, wait. I do know what that feels like. I feel it every single time I see Sean Miller.
I close my eyes and will my mind to stop spinning, then fall asleep with an image of Sean’s deep blue eyes staring at me.
I’m screwed.
Chapter 11
“Everything Will Change”
Sam
Four days since I walked away from Sean, which funnily enough would make us just about even in ‘walking away’ stakes. Not that I’m keeping track or anything …
I brushed Tanner off over the weekend. Both Saturday and Sunday he wanted to do something. In fact, he shocked the shit out of me when he asked me out to a movie. A chick flick at that! I let him down easy, saying I was wiped out from work and needed an early night. My guilt stabbed at me all night, but I’m not in the wrong here. Tanner has always known what our deal was. Right from the beginning I’d established boundaries and he was happy with that, or he appeared happy with that.
I mean what man wouldn’t be happy with having a woman who’
s happy with just regular, okay very regular non-committal sex and does not, in any way shape or form, want a relationship? My job is my partner. Okay, it doesn’t keep me warm at night, nor does it give me love, but Tanner takes care of the nights. As for love, I had it once and it ripped my heart out. I was the instigator of the break up, but when I’d realized my mistake, Sean had moved on. Looking back, I’ve recognized how big of an idiot I was to listen to my mother’s opinion on Sean and my relationship with him. I took something that was built on love and trust and decimated it within mere moments with words that were not my own.
∞~~~∞
Back then, my doubts about being a submissive or even just submissive to Sean, had always lingered. Sticking at the back of my mind as our relationship progressed from that amazing first date to where we were at the time I broke up with him a year later.
As he explained to me early on, he liked having control during sex. He was not a hard core Dominant, but it was an important aspect of him that I would need to accept if we were to move forward in our relationship. In the beginning, in that glorious honeymoon period where you can’t get enough of each other, where you can’t stop touching, kissing and making love to each other, Sean eased me into his ‘way’ of doing things. It was such a heady feeling to give myself to him. It made me feel fulfilled, complete even. In a life where I’d only ever had my mom and the soldiers on the Army base where we lived as role models, I was somewhat exhilarating to have a man want to take care of me the way that Sean did. He cherished me, protected me, looked out for me.
The sex was AMAZING. I’d been with two men before him and there was no comparison. It was like he was the sun and they had been Uranus. I kid you not, the sex was out of this world. But with a mother that raised me the way she did, I always wondered if I was giving a part of myself up when I was with him, a part that was given willingly and without thought.
As natural as breathing.
The day I broke up with him was the most devastating day of my life, but at the time I felt it was necessary.
It was after Sean met my mom for the first time. To say it didn’t go well is an understatement. Mom had all but dismissed him from the get go. We arrived late which is something that my mother never appreciated from anyone, but when it was from her daughter’s boyfriend it was unforgivable. Then Sean ordered my meal for me and spent the meal with his arm hooked around the back of my chair, things that were natural for us and I actually loved but Mom saw those things differently.
Later that night, when I was in my dorm and called her as requested, she made her unimpressed opinion of Sean very clear.
“Samantha, that boy may be nice, but you are losing yourself to him and that is unacceptable.”
Mom, that is a bit unfair. You spent no more than an hour with him.”
“I didn’t need any more than five minutes to see that the boy is dominating your relationship. No future pairing should be built on an uneven foundation, and what you have with Sean is as crooked as a dog’s hind leg. Your father abandoned us the minute you were born, Samantha, and because I was weak, I nearly crumbled. You must stay strong and clear-minded. That man is older than you, headed into a very stressful, powerful career and you’re already downtrodden. Get out and end it now.”
“He’s not like that, Mom. He’s—”
“He’s domineering, controlling, and disrespectful. You do not need a man like that.”
“No! I will not end my relationship with Sean just because you have the wrong idea about him.”
“I think you’re not hearing me right, young lady. I said you need to end it with him. He is not the right kind of man for you. You need someone who will honor you, support you, and turn up early to the lunch where he’s about to meet your mother for the first time. Richards women are no subservient or submissive. We’re equal with our men. I wasn’t with your father, but I’ve learned from that mistake. I just don’t want you to make the same misguided choices that I made.”
“I—”
“No, Samantha. It’s simple. Clean break. Do it now before things get more serious.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“No thinking required. Clean break, no harm done. Now, I must go. Early flight in the morning.”
“Okay, Mom. It was nice seeing you.”
“Call me when you’ve sorted it out, Samantha. I want better for you.”
Later that night when Sean rang me, I’d already been in bed for an hour and was emotionally spent. I blew him off by feigning a headache and promised to catch up with him the next day.
My mother and her toxic opinion of men had successfully fed my doubts about Sean and my relationship. I knew that when I talked to him about it, he would try reasoning with me, but I didn’t need handling or psychoanalyzing. All my life I’d been handled in one way or another. What I needed was time and space to think things through.
But I didn’t get time and space, and that may just be why things ended the way they did.
∞~~~∞
On Saturday morning, I receive a call over the radio saying that I have lunch waiting for me at the precinct. Confused but intrigued, Zander and I make our way back to base and walk in to see a bunch of the most beautiful yellow sunflowers I have ever seen on the front desk. Beside the bouquet is a takeaway coffee, a chicken Caesar salad, and a spiced apple muffin.
I think I died and went to heaven in my first bite of that muffin. Of course, there was no note but the desk sergeant told me that a nicely dressed, very handsome man had delivered it and asked that I be told it was there. I didn’t need confirmation to know who it was from.
During finals in college, when I was working myself to the bone studying, Sean would stop by with a coffee and a muffin. Of course, I returned the favor by giving him head under his desk, which would lead to him pulling me up from my knees and bending me over said desk …
You get the point.
The smirk on Zander’s face is infuriating. “An admirer, Sam?”
“Like you can talk, Roberts. You go pansy faced whenever your girl sends you a text.”
His eyes widen slightly before he shakes his head at me, but not before I miss the slight blush of his cheeks. “Anyway, we eating or what?” he asked before heading toward the break room. I chuckle as I follow behind him.
I place the flowers in a cup of water so that they’ll last my shift, then put the food on the table and grab my cell from my pocket with the intention of sending a short, sweet text to say thank you.
Me: Hey, it’s Sam. I’m guessing the early morning lunch and flower delivery was from you?
Sean: Good guess, Samantha. I want to see you again. We need to clear up last night’s miscommunication.
Me: No need. Thank you for the lunch and flowers, they’re beautiful. Totally unnecessary.
Sean: Nothing is unnecessary when it comes to you. Let me know when I can see you again.
Holy fuck! I couldn’t respond to that. If there was such a thing as being stunned text-less, that was me.
∞~~~∞
Sean texts me every night, asking how my day was and reminiscing about specific events in our past. It’s disconcerting and thrilling at the same time, like traveling on a roller coaster through time but knowing that the only direction this could go is down, but I can’t help myself. It has been nice to reconnect with him. He has asked me to meet with him again, but I’ve been a coward, continuing to offer up excuses as to why I can’t see him again.
Texting seems less threatening than a phone call. Don’t get me wrong, I still totally overanalyze his words and the meaning behind them and agonize over my replies, but it is getting easier. I’m trying to quell the feelings for him that I sense are resurfacing. Honestly, I don’t know that I can be the woman he wants, not full time anyway. I admitted to myself a long time ago that although I’m sexually submissive, I’m not into the hardcore kinky shit. I like being restrained, controlled, used by the man I’m with, but it needs to be in the right moment and with t
he right man. Tanner is not that man, and neither were the few one night stands I’ve had since Sean.
Remember I said he’d ruined me for other men?
Despite his Saturday delivery last week, and our text conversations since, I’m still the same coward who can’t admit she was and is still wrong. It’s always been my biggest fault, and with Sean I have more than just the date and my behavior during it to apologize for. How do you say, “Oh, by the way, I’m sorry I fucked up first time around and ruined something fucking awesome between us. Forgive me?”
If only it were that easy.
Chapter 12
“Me & My Jealousy”
Sean
I’ve found myself at the Chicago Police Memorial Foundation’s annual fundraising dinner, representing my firm as a last minute favor for my boss. I haven’t brought a date. With more notice, I would have considered asking Samantha, but I know I need to tread lightly with her. Last week’s date showed me that I need to be smart in the way I approach her if I want her back in my life … and my bed.
I’ve had a lot of time to reflect this week on what is missing from my life. Apart from Mac, I haven’t wanted a woman for more than a night or two since Sammy, and seeing her again has made me realize that she is the reason why. But in order for me to be sure that she wants to be with me too, she will need to be the one to come to me. I can’t force her; I can’t make her want to be with me again, but for my peace of mind and for the sake of saving both of us a repeat of the past, she needs to be sure.
That’s not to say I can’t help her make her mind up though.