by Naomi Niles
That only lasted for a few days, because after he had gotten over it, he’d always ask about her and wonder why she hadn’t been around for so long. It was hard for me when he passed two and a half years ago, but Caroline was right there every day to make sure I was alright. She spent the night with me and never left my side during the hardest time in my life. It was things like that that separated her from any other friend I’d had before. She was my sister, and I wouldn’t see it any other way.
We finally arrived at the church. The lot was full of cars as Johnathan drove around looking for a place to park. “Caroline, how about I let you out in the front of the church, so you don’t have to walk in the rain.” He stopped in front of the building as I looked towards the door. I squinted my eyes to get a better look, and that is when I noticed him. Her father looked exactly the same way he did when I saw him years ago. My heart sank when I thought about the pain he was feeling right now.
“Alright, Johnathan,” I said as I put my hand on the door. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”
“OK.”
I popped the umbrella open and got out of the car as he sputtered around the parking lot. My heartbeat sped up inside of my chest with each step I took through the pouring rain. I avoided a puddle on the way to the steps as Mr. Zimmer stood with his hand out, waiting to help me up. “Thank you, Mr. Zimmer,” I said as we stood beneath the overhang.
“It is my job,” he said with a smile. “It is good to see you, Caroline. I thought that was you coming up the steps, but I wasn’t sure until you got closer. It’s been a little while since I saw you.”
“Yeah, I know. I was in the car and I said the same thing. You… you look exactly the same, though. That helped me identify who you were.”
He placed his hands into his pockets. “Well, I hope that is a good thing.”
“Yes, it is. Trust me, it is. You don’t look your age at all.” I caught myself from saying anything else that would make our conversation awkward. “Um, so, I think it is just sad that we have to see each other again under these circumstances. Sarah. Sarah was my best friend for life. I’ve had a hard week coming to terms with her death, but I can’t imagine what you are feeling.”
He sighed as he looked beyond me towards the parking lot. I could tell he was battling with the wide range of emotions that were bubbling inside of him. It was the same way I felt when my father passed away, but the only difference is that I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I was a big baby for at least the first two weeks. “Yeah, it is rough, I cannot lie about that. But, I am handling it the best way I can.” He fixed his attention on me as the rain crashed onto the top of the porch. “And I know that you lost your father not too long ago, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. It’s been almost three years, and I still have my moments, but overall, I’m doing much better.”
“That is good, Caroline. I know that time heals all wounds. Some things take a little longer than others, but time does heal all.”
Just then, Johnathan rushed through the rain and climbed the steps. He popped his coat free from raindrops like a wet dog as he stood next to me. “Sheesh, it is pouring. I thought it would let up by now, but here we are.” He looked towards Mr. Zimmer. “Hello, sir; my name is Johnathan.”
He smiled at Mr. Zimmer with an extended hand. “I am Harrison Zimmer. Sarah’s father.”
“Oh, Mr. Zimmer. I am completely sorry for your loss. Sarah was a good girl, and she will be missed a lot.”
“Thank you, Johnathan.”
The rain crashed into the roof in the middle of our silence. Finally, I spoke up, “Well, I guess we should go in and find a seat.”
“Caroline, how about you come up front with me? You and your boyfriend.”
“Um,” I said, interrupting him, “Johnathan is just my friend… and no, we couldn’t sit up front. I mean, that area is reserved for family.”
“Nonsense, Caroline. I won’t hear any of that. You’ve been like family to her ever since you two were young tikes in kindergarten. You belong up there just as much as I do. Come on,” he said, ushering me to follow him.
I looked at Johnathan as he put his hands up. “No, no, you go ahead. You have a reason to go sit up front with the family. I would feel like a fraud if I accompanied you. Go ahead. Just meet me out back once the service is over.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Go ahead.”
He smiled, and with that, I followed Mr. Zimmer into the sanctuary. Various people sat in the pews, watching us as we walked to the front of the church. I recognized a lot of the faces. Some of them were students and friends at ASU; others were professors and counselors. Sarah didn’t have much family out here, but what she lacked with blood, she made up for with friendships. She was one of the most popular girls in school, and it was that way for as long as I could remember.
She was outgoing and never had a problem meeting new people. I was a bit more apprehensive with new relationships, and that explained why I was dragging my feet with Johnathan. As we walked down the middle aisle of the church, I could feel my legs turning to jelly. As my eyes fell onto the casket, I froze in my steps. It was like I had stepped in wet cement, and it hardened in a matter of moments. My breathing intensified as the reality of Sarah’s death sunk in further. I braced myself on the end of one of the pews as a sharp pain penetrated my chest.
Mr. Zimmer spun around and saw me struggling to take another step, and before anyone else could help, he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. My head rested on his hardened chest as I used him for support to walk down the rest of the aisle. “Everything is going to be alright,” he said confidently as we got to our seats in the front.
I wiped tears from my eyes and nodded my head. I couldn’t speak because I knew that nothing but cries would fall out of my mouth in the place of words. We sat down in the front pew, and he kept his arm draped around me like a blanket as I struggled to look at the casket. I knew her lifeless body was lying in there, and the thought of this moment being the last time I saw her body would be too much to bear. I was thankful that Mr. Zimmer was here for me, though. I wouldn’t have been able to show this much vulnerability if Johnathan was beside me. There was something about Mr. Zimmer that allowed me to relax and not worry about anything else. I hadn’t felt anything like this in years. I glanced towards the back of the sanctuary and made eye contact with Johnathan. His scowl quickly transitioned to a smile once he noticed I was looking his way.
Chapter Seven
Harrison
Caroline sat next to me, barely able to control her emotions as the service went on. I knew that she might have been a tad bit more emotional than I, especially when I saw how she reacted walking down the aisle. That was alright, though. I knew their bond was strong ever since they became friends in kindergarten. Sarah would always come home and tell me about her best friend, Caroline. I thought it would be a good idea to culture that friendship, especially since she didn’t have family around, so I kept her in the same school district with Caroline.
Even when we moved further away, Caroline’s parents allowed me to use their address so that she could stay enrolled at the same school. I didn’t build a strong friendship with her parents because I kept to myself, but her relationship with Sarah flourished. As they grew, Sarah had gotten Caroline into trouble a few times because of how outgoing she was. My daughter was a risk-taker. She would take chances and then apologize later if things got out of hand. That’s the way she lived her life, and it was something that I garnered from her as we both grew.
As the minister went forth with the eulogy, I kept a brazen look on my face. I kept telling myself that my daughter was no longer in the casket and now, she lived in my heart. That was the only way I could cope with the amount of emotion that traveled through the building like strong hurricane winds. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Caroline glance at me from time to time. Every now and then, we would make eye contact, and the emptiness that Sarah left
in both of our souls would connect.
It was an awkward warmth that flowed through my veins like heroin, pricking my senses in places that have never been felt until now. She reached across my lap and slipped her hand into mine. I looked down, watching her fingers slowly interlock with mine. It took me a few moments to embrace her show of comfort, but I finally allowed my hand to contract around hers. She was there for support, and right now, we were two crutches helping one person walk through life, leaning on each other for assistance when we felt too weak to carry on.
As the minister finished the service for my daughter, we traveled to the gravesite together. Caroline objected to my offer at first, but after a little encouragement, she decided to come along. The car ride was quiet as we both dealt with our loss in different ways. Tears streamed from her eyes like a river. She reached into her purse for Kleenex, and once I saw that she was out, I grabbed the box that sat next to me in the back seat.
“Here,” I said, extending the box towards her.
She smiled as much as her pain would allow. “Thank you, Mr. Zimmer. I just… I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.”
I scooted closer to her. “It’s alright, Caroline. And please, just call me Harrison. ‘Mr. Zimmer’ makes me feel like I am much older than I care to be.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Zim–, um, I mean, Harrison. I just wanted to be respectful.”
“It’s fine. I understand.”
She wiped her eyes, then took a deep breath to calm herself down. “I don’t know how you do it. Like, I’m sitting here bawling like a baby, and I haven’t seen you drop one tear since the funeral started. I wish I could be as strong as you, but I can’t.” She dipped her face into her hands like they were a washbowl. “That was my sister. The only sister I had, and now, she is gone. She is gone.”
I put my arm around her and patted her on her shoulder. “Yeah, I understand. I am breaking apart inside, and I know that one of these days, I will cry and I will cry a lot. Right now, though, it doesn’t seem real to me. Things seem incomplete, and I don’t know. I guess my brain just hasn’t processed the truth yet.”
“Yeah,” she wiped her eyes again as we drew closer to the graveyard. “I had that same issue this morning. I thought if I didn’t show up that everything would just go away. Like, I would wake up from this horrible nightmare with Sarah standing over me, ready to douse me with water like she always did.” She smiled as if recalling the times that my daughter woke her up with a prank.
“Yup, that was my Sarah. Always joking around and whatnot. I’ll miss that. I will miss that a lot.”
We rode in silence for the rest of the journey with my arm around her shoulders. I didn’t feel as though she was my daughter. I felt as though that she was a friend helping me through a tough time. We arrived at the gravesite as the clouds above remained thick, but the rain stopped just as we did. “Well,” I said, “this is the last part of the mountain to climb. The rest is downhill from here. Are you ready?”
She wiped her eyes again and stifled her cries long enough to answer me with a clear voice. “Yes.”
I opened the door for her, and we walked to the burial site. The minister said the last words as we waited, and before long, they lowered her casket into the grave. Caroline tucked her head into my chest and cried out loud as she went further into the ground. I put my hand on the back of her head. “Shhh, it’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright.”
I hoped it would, but I didn’t want to imagine how I was going to react once the reality sunk into my mind. After the service, I could see her friend waiting for her near the back of the crowd. When I looked back at her, she apologized. “I’m sorry for crying on your shoulder so much, but, I just want to thank you for being there for me. I’m not sure how I would’ve made it if I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on.”
“We all need that from time to time. I’m just sorry that we both had to go through this. I didn’t expect to bury her. I expected her to bury me.” She exhaled. Her breath fluttered into the air like a spirit before it disappeared before my eyes. “I just have to figure out how I am going to clean out her room. I mean, I know how to do it, but…” I looked away from her. “I don’t know.”
“I can help you. I mean, if you need help. Not saying that you do, but… you know… just in case you need that shoulder there. I can be that for you. I feel like I owe you.”
“No, you don’t owe me. You don’t owe me a thing, but I wouldn’t mind the help if you have the time. I don’t know when I am going to do it, but I guess when I build up the courage, I will go ahead and get it done.”
She quickly grabbed her phone out of her purse, “Anytime. Anytime you are ready, just call me. What is your number? I’ll call you now just so you have it.” I gave her my number as her friend waited by himself just beyond where we stood. “Alright. Now, we have each other’s number. Whenever you are ready, just call me. Or, even if you need to talk or something. I don’t know, you don’t seem like the type who would call someone just to talk, but I just wanted you to know that I am here for you, Harrison. Anytime you need me.”
I knew that she was just being friendly because of the situation we found ourselves in together, but I couldn’t help but feel drawn to her. Yes, she was attractive, but there was something else to it, and right then, I couldn’t tell if it was my vulnerability. The fact that she was so close to my daughter that it made me feel like a part of her was still here. Maybe it was none of that at all. Either way, there was a flicker between us, and right now, I couldn’t explain it.
“Alright. I will give you a call once I get ready. You take care of yourself, Caroline.”
“You too, Harrison.”
She scooted in closer for a hug, and as we embraced, I kissed the top of her head. Her embrace tightened as we stood alone near the burial site. A brisk wind blew against our bodies and sent her hair fluttering in the breeze as if it were waving goodbye. As it fluttered, I caught eye contact with her friend. He stood in the back with his arms folded across his chest, and at that moment, I realized we held each other much longer than I anticipated.
I released her, and she had the same dazed look on her face that I imagined mirrored mine. “Um,” she sputtered out, “call me. If you need to.”
“I will.”
I watched her walk away, holding her elbows in each hand, as her friend waited for her to approach him. He put his arm around her, and the both of them walked to his car. I watched them get inside and drive away down the winding path until the exited the graveyard. A few more people spoke their condolences to me as I stood near the grave plot. I was the last one to leave, and even then, I still did not shed a tear.
One Month Later
I told Brian that I was going to come in late today because I needed to run a few errands this morning. After I poured my cup and got dressed, I heard my doorbell ring. I wasn’t expecting company, but it wasn’t unusual for the UPS guy to drop off a package here and there. I opened the door, and immediately, I felt the blood rush to my face. My eyes lowered as bridled rage began to rise in my chest. She stood on the other side of the door with dark shades covering her eyes. Her hair was curled and hung freely down the sides of her head. A designer purse was clenched in her arm as she removed her shades. “Can I come in?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
She sighed. “Harrison, really? I’ve been trying to contact you ever since I heard of Sarah’s death, but your phone was always disconnected.”
“Disconnected? Bullshit. My phone was never disconnected.”
“Well, I may have had the wrong number. Anyways, can I come in?”
I blocked her entry into my home, “No! Are you kidding me? You waltz out of me and Sarah’s life after 20 some-odd years and then show up like everything is alright? Really?”
“I told you why I left, Harrison. I just… I had to. Everything was bringing me down, you know? I couldn’t balance motherhood and
womanhood at the same time. I couldn’t.”
“So, you just fucking leave, right? You just dump all of your issues and start over like… like life is some fucking video game that you can press reset on? Huh?”
“Look, Harrison,” she adjusted the purse on her arm. “I know that I have done some messed up things in the past, but my counselor told me that it was best if I came to you and tried to clear some things up. She said it would help me cope with everything, so that is what I am doing.”
“How the hell did you even find my home?”
She chuckled. “Um, the internet makes things very easy to find. All you have to know how to do is hit a search on Google and then, presto,” she snapped her fingers, “it’ll show up just like that. You’ll be amazed at what you can find when you know how to search for it.”
I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to show up at my home after everything Sarah and I had been through since she left. To make things worse, she went on as if I was going to accept her back with no qualms. I didn’t know what she came here for, but I was milliseconds away from hurting her. “You need to leave. Now.”
“Harrison, come on. We all make mistakes, but–”
“You don’t make a 20-year mistake. That is unheard of! I don’t know what you want or why you came here, but honestly, you’ve just wasted your time. Don’t come back here, and if it even crosses your mind, I want you to smack yourself back to reality. I want nothing to do with you. Get the fuck off my porch.”
I closed the door in her face and watched her through the window. She stood still for a few seconds, then wiped her eyes as if she was brushing tears. She made as if she was going to ring the doorbell again, but thought twice about it before she turned to walk away. All the feelings I had when she left had rushed back into my heart. The abandonment. The loneliness. The way I felt that all of my walls had crashed in on me. It was one of the reasons that I was afraid to commit, and if I was honest with myself, I would understand that it was the primary reason. I didn’t want to settle down because I always felt like the woman would up and leave at the drop of a dime and leave me hopeless again.