by Maura Rose
“I’m right.”
“In that I’m not over him. And I don’t think I will be, if I haven’t… if I haven’t gotten over him in the five years he’s been gone,” Sinead let out in a rush.
Her mother tucked her hair behind her ear, a nervous habit that Sinead recognized in herself. “Yes, well, I haven’t wanted to say anything and neither has your father…”
“Your pushing me to find someone and to figure out what I wanted to do with my life was a clue, thanks,” Sinead said, her tone light so that her mom would know that she wasn’t upset with her. “He was… he was really great, last night. I told him that it was just a one-time thing, the date, that it was for nostalgia and to catch up. I thought at best it would be just like old times, but it wasn’t. It was… it was better.”
“In what way?” Mom loved giving out romantic advice, this was right up her alley.
Dad made a quiet exit, practically tiptoeing. It nearly made Sinead burst out laughing. Poor Dad was so old-fashioned and wanted nothing to do with hearing about his daughter’s love life, especially about the man Dad had grown up practically babysitting half the time.
Sinead focused back on her mother. “He was responsible and aware of himself in a way that he didn’t used to be. Patrick used to be so—well, you know. He was so reckless. He never thought beyond the present moment. He was full of words about how much he cared but he had no gestures to back it up, and I’m not talking about roses, you know, I’m talking about… about committing, about being there.
“We talked for hours, we didn’t just do fun things like eat crazy food or go to the carnival stuff, we had an actual conversation and he listened. And I felt like I was talking to an adult, not someone who could be a great adult who I was waiting on to catch up with me. That was how it had always felt before, like he could be so great if only he’d apply himself and I was just sitting there waiting for him to catch up.”
Mom nodded. “I remember you used to come home so frustrated,” she said with a small smile. “You cared so much, but you were constantly upset.”
“I promised myself I wouldn’t go through that again,” Sinead said, her grip on her sandwich tightening. She had to force herself to relax before she accidentally crushed her damn dinner. “That I wasn’t going to let myself settle, and that no matter how much I might love him, or anyone, I wasn’t going to let myself be treated that way again.”
“And that’s good, and I don’t think you will. But honey… that was also five years ago, you two were in your early twenties. And before that you were teenagers. You were both so young. You’re older now, and you’ve had time apart and you’ve had time to grow. If he seems to have really changed and you’ve still got feelings for him…”
“But I was hurt by him so badly. I—I care, I still care so much, but I don’t want to be hurt like that.”
“You have no guarantee that you won’t be hurt again,” Mom acknowledged. “But you don’t have that guarantee with anyone. Every relationship is a risk. Even if you met some boring safe man with a stable job as… I don’t know, a lawyer or something, you never know what he’s got going on under the surface that might come back to bite you in the behind. It’s the same risk. And if you haven’t fallen out of love with Patrick by now, will you ever? Five years without the person, that’s a long time to keep holding a place for them in your heart. Especially when you don’t seem to want to. If you could’ve gotten him out of your heart, I think you would have.”
Sinead swallowed, wiping at her eyes. “I’m scared,” she admitted. “I want to trust him and I do, and that scares me, that I still trust him so easily.”
“He risked his life for you,” her mother pointed out. “If he’d been caught he would’ve died, and his family would’ve been caught in a war. And he risked all of that without a thought for you and went against his family’s wishes for you. I think you can trust him.”
Sinead nodded. “I guess now I just have to tell him, huh?”
Mom reached out, gently cupping her daughter’s cheek. “You’ll find a way, sweetheart.”
Chapter Nine
Patrick was fully prepared for the lecture of his goddamn life.
He’d gone against Sean and Father’s wishes. He hadn’t directly disobeyed their orders but he might as well have. He’d gone on a dangerous mission that could’ve gotten him killed and he’d done it without permission. He’d negotiated with another family without permission. And while they’d been headed for war no matter what with the situation, if he’d been caught, the official reason for the war would’ve been on his shoulders. The McCourts would have blamed him for it, even though it was technically their fault.
When he got up to Father’s room, however, Sean and Father were just speaking quietly. Father was up and out of bed now and just walking with a cane, but was taking it easy, sitting at his desk with the sunlight streaming in.
They both looked up as he entered. “Patrick.” Father nodded once, brusquely. “Sean’s filled me in on what happened, but I’d like an official report from you.”
Patrick cleared his throat. “It was, uh, pretty simple. I knew that we couldn’t retaliate or we’d be starting a clan war and Sinead would probably be killed in the process. But if we didn’t retaliate, she would be murdered and her body dumped publicly—and that would start a war because if we didn’t retaliate we’d lose face. If O’Leary turned traitor we’d be screwed, and if he pretended to turn traitor that might work for a little while—but it’d only be a temporary solution and Sinead might still be hurt in the process.
“Most people don’t know I’m back yet, and this was sort of my forte back in the day. Going in, getting the goods, getting out. But I had to get through bratva territory to do it so I figured I would see about getting us into their good graces. I stopped by their meeting place and got permission to go through their territory so that a war could be stopped. I figured they wouldn’t want to be in the middle of that. Sokolov, he’s young, he could probably crush us if he wanted to; I hear he’s powerful. But he doesn’t have time for a war.
“He agreed and sent a couple of guys with me to help out so we could nip this thing in the bud. They took care of the guards while I snuck around through the back upper window. Got Sinead into the car, shook hands with the Russians, brought her back here. She hadn’t been fed and she’d been handcuffed to the bed but otherwise I don’t think they hurt her. She seemed more cranky than anything and I could hear her annoying the hell out of the guard before we infiltrated.” He couldn’t quite keep the amusement out of his voice. “And that’s how it was. Pretty simple.”
“Simple, yes, but not easy,” Father said. He glanced over at Sean. “You saved our family with that. They had us in a tight corner, no doubt about it. That was a gutsy move you did there. But it took initiative, diplomacy, and a willingness to put yourself on the line for the family and for someone else.”
“What we’re saying is maybe you have changed,” Sean said. “You were away for a while and you asked us to believe that you’d changed and to trust you. We didn’t know how to do that without also setting ourselves up to get screwed. But you went and you… found a way anyway.”
“Well, hey,” Patrick said, daring to let himself grin a little, daring to let out some of the tension in his shoulders, “I never did let anything get in my way of doing what I wanted, did I?”
Sean snorted.
Patrick tried to shift his weight and look a little more professional. “But, uh, I… I did this for Sinead, I won’t lie, I… she’s always going to be the girl for me. But I would’ve done it no matter who it was. I was really lost after Mother died and I didn’t know how to deal with this family without her around to sort of buffer us. And it was cowardly of me to run but I did, and now I’m here to… I can’t make up for that, but I’m here for what it’s worth, and I’m staying. If that means I put my life on the line then I put my life on the line because it’s about time I did something for this family, for you two.”
He met his Father’s gaze, the bright blue one that they all shared. After a long moment, Father nodded, looking slightly less stern than usual, some of the lines of his face smoothing out. “Your brother and I have decided to make you a lieutenant.”
Patrick’s jaw nearly dropped.
He’d always known that Father had planned on his being a lieutenant one day, but he’d thought that given his behavior that ship had long since sailed. That he’d be lucky to get any kind of job in the family business and that it would probably be as a runner of some kind. Or running the front business for someplace they owned like a restaurant or something.
But to be a lieutenant? To be one of the right-hand men, to be trusted with overseeing operations?
“O’Leary’s getting on in years,” Father explained. “He’ll never ask to retire but seeing as I’m sort of stepping down, taking a backseat and all, I think he’s hoping he’ll get to do the same. I can’t ask the old bastard to keep on trucking when I’m letting myself sip cocktails on the beach.”
“Father, you hate cocktails. And the beach.”
“Besides the point.” Father waved it off. “We need someone to replace him but there hasn’t been anyone and so I didn’t let myself think about it. Figured we’d just let him keep on doing his business and we’d keep on doing ours. But you’re here now, and we think you’ve proven yourself.”
Patrick looked over at Sean for confirmation. Not that he thought this was some kind of joke. Father wasn’t the kind of man who made jokes like that. But he just had to make sure—that this was something that was actually happening.
Sean nodded, a rueful smile crossing over his face. “What, you aren’t gonna thank us?”
“I’m still waiting for one of you to say April Fool’s,” Patrick replied.
Father scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t be ridiculous. And watch your mouth.”
Patrick grinned. “Nope. I never said the sass had gone away.”
“He’s going to be insufferable after this,” Sean muttered. “I can still fire you at any time, right? Order a hit on you?”
“I could do the same to you. Plan a coup. Take over.”
“You’re welcome to try and get through Bridget.” Sean smirked. “Good luck.”
Patrick’s smile faltered a little. “I really am… I’ll do what it takes to prove I’m worthy of your trust. I will.”
“You could start by settling down,” Father grouched. “Finally tie the knot with that girl.”
Patrick’s stomach dropped like a stone. “Ah, Sinead is… we’ve had a long talk. I burned all my chances with her. Not that I deserved another one but. I tried.”
“Mmm.” Father didn’t look all that convinced.
There was a knock on the door. Sean crossed over, opening it, to reveal Bridget standing there. She looked directly at Patrick, and was he imagining it or was there an amused gleam in her eye?
“You might want to go downstairs,” she said. “There’s someone here to see you.”
Chapter Ten
Sinead struggled to keep herself from showing her nervousness as she waited in the study for Patrick.
The brownstone wasn’t huge, but it had just enough rooms that it was easy to find privacy if you wanted it. There was the dining room, the kitchen, the study filled with all the books that Patrick’s mother had collected over the years, and then upstairs were the childhood bedrooms, the master bedroom, and Seamus’s office.
Sinead looked at some of the books on the shelves in an attempt not to pace back and forth like an idiot. She could remember borrowing some of these as a girl, the romance novels, embarrassed but screwing up her courage because Mrs. Donaghue was always so kind about it.
Well of course you can borrow this, she’d say. Just be sure to tell me what you liked about it when you bring it back.
She’d been such a guiding light for the boys, for her husband. No wonder Patrick had felt like the only person who he could be safe with had died when she’d gone. No wonder he’d run.
They’d all been such scared children back then.
She heard Patrick coming down the stairs. Sean tended to thump everywhere but Patrick was light on his feet and it was a very soft tread that had always reminded Sinead of a cat.
Well, she was here, and he was here. There was no reason for her to keep panicking anymore. Just say what she had to say.
She turned around just in time for Patrick to enter the room. He looked surprised to see her, his eyebrows raising as he paused halfway through a step. “Sinead.”
“Hey, Trick.”
Patrick walked over, his gaze roaming over her as it had when he’d rescued her, as if double checking that no new bruises or anything had appeared while she had been away from him. “You should be at home, resting. Your parents were worried sick.”
“I know. They know where I am, it’s all right.”
He reached out, like he was going to touch her, only to stop and bring his hands back to his sides, clenching them into fists. Patrick turned away, looking at the books on the shelves. “Here to borrow some books?”
“Just like old times,” she teased.
Patrick smiled. “She loved what a bookworm you were. Mother, I mean.”
“She was a good person, encouraged my love of reading.”
Patrick nodded, then turned to look at her again. “Why—why are you really here, Sinead? You should—you should rest. Be at home, with your family, enjoying yourself, enjoying… life.”
She took a deep breath. It was time, now or never, and she was scared, so very scared even though she knew that she wasn’t going to be rejected. She was scared of what the future held, for both of them.
But she wasn’t going to get anything if she didn’t risk something. And she loved him, she loved him—her heart was breaking just looking at him, knowing he wanted to touch her, thinking that she didn’t want him to.
“I am with my family,” she whispered.
Patrick stared at her for a moment, uncomprehending. Then his face cleared. “You—”
“You asked me for a second chance.” Sinead wrapped her arms around herself, feeling vulnerable and exposed. “And I’m giving it to you.”
Patrick still looked like he couldn’t quite believe that this was actually happening, which was rather adorable, honestly—not that she’d be telling him that.
“I know that I said that the whole… other night… was just a fling, just for old times’ sake and that I got carried away and that was all true, but what I didn’t tell you was that I still felt something for you and I always have. It’s never gone away. No matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted it to.
“You were so frustrating, but you also understood me. You would always—you’d always say, ‘Don’t worry, Sinead, I’ll take care of you and you can have a house and kids and the garden and read books in the afternoon just like you want, you don’t have to worry about anything.’ And everyone else always made me feel stupid for wanting nothing more than that but you always understood and you made me feel like that was enough.
“And I was so hurt when you left. Partly because you didn’t take me with you, but partly because I felt so stupid for giving you chance after chance when you didn’t deserve it. And so I promised myself I wouldn’t give you a chance now even though it seemed like you’d really changed. But after you… I was so relieved to see you and there was nobody else I’d rather have come and get me in a situation like that. Nobody I’d feel safer with. I was scared you’d—that it would go wrong and you’d be hurt but I was so glad it was you and so… you really do seem to have changed and our evening together made me so happy and so I’m still scared, but if you want to try… then yes. I—I love you, still, I always have. Even though I tried not to.”
Patrick stared at her for a moment more and then strode forward, grabbing her by the hips and hauling her up against him, kissing her fiercely. Sinead pulled her arms out from between them and wrapped them around his neck, kissing b
ack, smiling a little at the desperation she could feel in Patrick’s body. He was practically vibrating with it.
“I’d given up,” he admitted softly, his lips brushing against hers. His thumbs rubbed soft circles against her skin. “I thought I’d lost you.”
He reached up, gently cupping her cheek in a soft way that he never had before, a new way, a way that she loved. “When I heard—I was terrified that they had you. I would do it all over again and a hell of a lot more recklessly if I had to, if it got you back. I’ve always loved you. I always will.”
She kissed him again, because she felt a bit reckless and she could, they were together and always would be, and she was allowed to be a bit sappy about that, a bit sentimental. Patrick wrapped his arm around her waist and pressed them together properly, his tongue sliding along the seam of her mouth until she opened her lips and he could slide it in, teasing, sucking on her tongue and coaxing a small moan out of her.
He was still too goddamn smug for his own good.
Sinead nipped at his lip and Patrick laughed, pulling away, his eyes dancing. “You’re never going to give me an easy time of it, are you?”
Her grin split her face wide. “No, but you wouldn’t love me as much if I did, now would you?”
“No.” He kissed her, once more. “No, I wouldn’t.”
Which was how Sean found them about ten minutes later and immediately complained about them being sappy and told them to get the hell out of his house and make out somewhere else.
Epilogue
Patrick waited at the bench, trying not to look as nervous as he felt.
Six months ago he’d been sitting at this same bench, nervous as all hell, convinced that Sinead wouldn’t show up for their date.
Now he knew for a fact that she’d show up and he was just as nervous.
The ring sat heavily in his pocket, weighing him down. He hoped that it wasn’t obvious that he had it, that it wouldn’t somehow show through the fabric. He wanted to wait until just the right moment.