“I can’t believe I’m here with you. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by where I didn’t think of the two of you.”
“It’s been the same for me. I even looked you up to see if I could find out anything.” As soon as I say it I see a ring on her left finger. It’s a single solitaire, nothing huge, but enough to get my attention. I can’t explain why, but my stomach knots up. I feel like I finally had a chance to right my wrongs when it comes to her, only to have it stripped away. “Are you engaged?”
She makes this unsure face. “Kind of. I mean, I’ve been seeing someone, and he did ask me to marry him, but I don’t know how I feel. It’s sort of the reason I used to have an excuse to come here by myself. I told him I needed to think.”
“What do you have to think about? Does he treat you good?”
“Yeah, sure, but I don’t get that feeling in the pit of my stomach like I thought would happen. I don’t feel giddy when he walks into the room, or talks about us having a future. I know I want to be married, but think it’s too soon. I definitely care about him, and enjoy his company.”
“Why come here?”
She stands and walks to be able to look out the window. “How far is the ocean?”
“Maybe twenty minutes.”
“Can you take me there?”
I stand and pull out my cell phone. It’s nothing fancy like I had in America, but it works just as fine. “Yeah, sure. Let me call my boss. We’re friends. He’ll be fine about it.”
Sadie seems surprised to find out I still have her grandmother’s vehicle. She climbs into the passenger side and waits for me to close the door on the driver’s side before saying anything. “This brings back memories.”
“Yeah, it does.” I can’t explain why I feel nervous to be around her. If she wanted to turn me in to try to collect the reward money she could have done it any time in the past three years. I want to believe she’s visiting because, like me, she’s always wondered what happened to us, but another part of me wishes it was something more, and it’s probably too late to ask myself why when the truth is right in front of me.
We’re a couple miles down the road, Sadie looking out the window enjoying the scenery, when I get the nerve to ask about her new beau. “So this guy, what’s he like? Where did you meet?”
She sort of giggles. “Okay, don’t laugh.”
“I won’t,” I promise.
“He’s the son of my lawyer. Since I didn’t really have a place to stay when I first got out of jail she lent me her garage apartment, because her son was supposedly at college. I guess I have a habit of staying in places that don’t belong to me.”
“Wow. Is he studying to be a lawyer too?”
“Psychology major, actually. I think he enjoys picking my brain and assessing what I’m really going through. He’s the only other man I’ve ever been able to open up to, granted his mother got me out of prison, so I was sort of on my best behavior. She’s not to keen on the idea, but Stan is nice. He’s patient, that’s for sure.”
“I probably don’t want to ask.” I know I don’t, because hearing that she’s happy and intimate with this guy is suddenly like poison in my veins. I can’t explain why I feel jealous, but it’s happening whether I like it or not.
“We’ve been seeing each other for about six months. I think that’s why I don’t want to jump into marriage. It’s a huge leap. I mean, I’m still figuring out my life. Sure, he’s great, and we live together, but I’m reluctant. He told me we could be engaged for as long as I wanted. He’s not rushing me. When it happened I was over the moon excited. To have someone want me for me, knowing all my past and still caring about me. It’s more than I could ask for. He’s a good man too. He loves kids. We have a lot in common.”
“He sounds great,” I unfortunately have to add.
Thankfully we’re driving close to the ocean, and through the thick trees every once in a while we’re able to see it. I point in that direction. “People have seen whales right out there.”
“Seriously? That’s awesome.”
Sadie doesn’t take her gaze away from the ocean, even as I park on an overlooking hill. I lead her down to the beach, and even hold her hand as she takes off each of her shoes. Promptly letting go once she’s situated, I walk behind her while wondering why I don’t feel happy for her.
She’s running around, kicking the water as the waves bring it into shore. I watch her folding the legs to her pants and going in a little deeper. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy and energetic. She’s bubbly and full of enthusiasm. Just being around her makes me smile, especially on a day where I felt emotional.
After a while I sit down and watch her. She’s like a child experiencing a toy for the first time. When the excitement ends she takes the spot in the sand next to me and looks out at the horizon. “It’s beautiful. I can’t believe this is where you live.”
“There’s no place I’d rather be.”
“I’m glad you’re happy. I’ve thought about the two of you so much. I’ve cried about you. You were the first person to come into my life that made me feel like I wasn’t damaged.”
“I know. I feel the same. I don’t know how any of this would have happened if you weren’t a part of it.”
“Do you ever wish I would have come along?”
Her question causes my stomach to knot up, because I’ve absolutely wondered where we would be if I could change that day and do it over again. “Yeah, I do. All the time.”
“Me too, but I had too many demons chasing me. I had to face them so that I would be able to look in the mirror and accept who I am.”
A soft breeze is blowing her hair around her face. I could take a picture of it and make hundreds on how beautiful she is.
“What about you? You’ve been asking all about me, but haven’t said much about you, Ryan Michaels.”
I chuckle. “Why does my name sound so weird coming out of your mouth?”
She shrugs, a guffaw following. “I guess because I know the old you.”
“Well, there’s nothing to tell about Rogan or Ryan. I work and take care of Willa.”
“I see you’re used to her name now.”
“She likes it, so it’s easy.”
“Does she remember the past?”
“I don’t think so. At first she asked about her mother, about you…”
She cuts me off. “She asked about me? That’s so sweet.”
“You were there for her. She missed you when you left us.”
It’s quiet again, the only sounds coming from nearby wildlife and the ocean waves. “I didn’t want to leave.”
“I know.”
“There’s one thing I’ve wondered ever since that day.”
“What?” I inquire.
“What would we have been if I came here with you? Would you have said I was your daughter, maybe a sister, because we’re too close in age for you to be my parent?”
“I told the border police that you were my fiancé. I probably would have stuck with that.”
“And then what? Would I still be here pretending to be your fiancé, while behind closed doors you treated me like your child instead?”
“I knew you weren’t a kid, Sadie.”
“It might seem crazy, and I know it was only a week, but I cared about you. I wanted you.”
I nod when she looks right at me. “I know. I just couldn’t.”
“When you held me in your arms that night and didn’t make a move I felt rejected, but at the same time I’d never felt safer in my life. No one has ever given me that sense of security.”
“I wanted you to understand that not all men are monsters.”
“I already knew that.”
“Well I’m sorry I wasted your time, then.” I know I’m sounding like a jerk. Finally, after three years of wondering, Sadie is here next to me and I can’t find the damn courage to say what I want, because it’s not fair for me to want her to stay when she has a new life back in the states.
Sadie stands and stares out at the other mountains in the distance to the side of us. She hugs herself when a chill comes over her, but remains silent. I can tell she’s thinking about something, and like me the words won’t come out.
I walk down the beach a bit to give her some time, only to notice she’s coming up behind me. Sitting down on a large rock formation, she takes the spot beside me. “Have you dated?”
“A little.”
I hear a loud sigh. “Do you think I could stay with you for a couple of days? I never actually booked a room at a resort yet, and I’d really enjoy spending time with Willa, even though she probably doesn’t remember me.”
“Sure. You can take my room. I’ll sleep on the couch.”
“I can sleep on your couch. I don’t want to put you out.”
“I’ve never had a guest, so it’s fine. It’s my pleasure.”
When our eyes meet I instantly feel that connection; the same one I experienced the first time we ever touched. This is probably why I haven’t had any luck dating. I’ve compared every single woman to this one, having feelings I never wanted to admit to. Now she’s here and I’m too overwhelmed to act on it. Looking into her copper eyes again only makes this harder. It’s not her age that’s holding me back this time, it’s my own heart.
Chapter 21
I could tell Sadie was nervous throughout the day, but it became more apparent when we walked down to the bus stop to fetch Willa. After explaining this was her first official day of school, Sadie was a nice distraction. We explored the small city, shared a nice seafood lunch, and ventured back to my tropical paradise that I call home.
Standing on the side of the road, her eyes light up when she sees the bus pull in. I’m eager to see my daughter, although my stomach is in knots for other reasons. I can’t expect Willa to remember Sadie, but I at least hope she’ll be nice to her. My daughter is quite spoiled and I’ve never had company before, especially someone that wants to spend the night.
Willa is the second child to get off the bus. She spots me and runs in my direction, handing me her lunch box while showing me a picture she drew at the same time. “Wow, how was your day?”
“Good. I have a boyfriend. His name is Mikal. Can I go over his house to play?”
I can feel the life being kicked out of me. I didn’t think this would be happening so soon in her life. “Let’s make plans for another day, sweetie.”
“Okay. See my picture of our house?” I’m already holding it, but look it over to appease her. Displayed in large block letters above, it says ‘mi casa’, and then there is her rendition of what our house looks like with a little stick person, holding onto another stick person. “That’s us.” She shows me.
“It’s great. You should be a famous artist when you grow up.”
Knowing there is someone waiting for her attention, I back up to give her space to speak. “Sweetie, someone wants to say hi to you.”
Willa is quiet as she studies Sadie. The two of us adults glance at each other wondering what’s going on. Willa begins to rock her body back and forth. “Do I know you?”
I can already tell this touches Sadie. She leans down to be on her level. “I knew you when you were little. Do you remember me?”
Willa shakes her head. “I don’t know. I’m only five. I can’t remember when I was a baby.”
I try to reassure Sadie. “She senses that you’re familiar. I think that’s pretty cool.”
When I see her smile I know I’ve done my job. “Sadie is going to be staying with us for a couple days. Is that okay with you?”
Willa nods. “Do I have to share my bedroom?”
“No. I told her she could stay in mine.”
“With you?” She questions while we start walking back to the house.
“No, silly. I’m staying on the couch. She’ll be our guest. Daddy hasn’t seen her in a long time.”
“Okay. Can I have a snack when we get there? I’m hungry.”
“Of course.”
Willa runs ahead to beat us to the house. When she’s a good bit in front of us, I turn my attention to Sadie. “I can’t believe she asked if she knew you. That’s crazy.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t remember.”
I put my arm around her in a friendly way. “Don’t worry. I remember.”
Later on we’re all three involved in a serious game of go fish. The girls both have one card left, while I have two. They’re scheming together, cheating so that I’m the loser for the third time in a row. Since Willa is terrible about holding her cards so that I can see them, I already know what card we have in common. I mouth it to Sadie, who in turn whispers in my daughter’s ear for her to ask me.
She celebrates her win by slapping Sadie a high five. “All right, kiddo. Time for bed.”
“Oh, please, Daddy. One more game.”
“Nope. You’ll see Sadie in the morning before school tomorrow.”
“Can I stay home?”
“No. You have to go to school, and Daddy has to work.”
“Can Sadie sleep in my room?”
“No, she’s staying in my room, remember?”
“Is she going to be my mother?” She blatantly asks.
Shocked, I turn to address the elephant in the room. “Don’t be ridiculous, Willa. She’s just visiting.”
“Okay.” She rushes over and hugs Sadie. “Goodnight.” Sadie waves as I escort my child to bed.
Once she’s tucked in, I close her door and head out to spend some time alone with Sadie. I’ve been waiting for this to happen since the beach earlier in the day. “So that was crazy, right? The things kids say,” I suggest.
“Yeah, crazy.” The room is quiet. “Can we sit outside? I think the sounds here are so wicked.”
“Sure, but be prepared. Willa feeds the monkeys and they are really active at night.”
“Is it dangerous?”
“No. They know we’re not going to hurt them. They remind me of stray cats. You feed them once and they never want to leave.”
We’re seated outside on a porch swing listening to nature. Sadie fidgets with her hands like she used to do when she was nervous. “About what she said.”
I turn to face her. “What about it?”
“Has she ever asked you for a new mother before?”
“No, but she says a lot of shit that makes no sense.”
Sadie peers down at the ground. “I actually took it as a compliment. It didn’t offend me.”
“No? Well it was weird.”
“I used to daydream about being with you. I’d picture this place in my head, and us together as a couple. When I was in at the detention center it was the only thing that would relax me. Sometimes I’d play out a whole day in my imaginary world with you and Mila, I mean, Willa. That’s so hard for me. Anyway, I just feel like I dreamed about it so much that it almost feels real. Does that make sense at all?”
An air-filled laugh escapes me. “I’m not sure if you remember this, but that night I fell asleep at the wheel I had a dream about you. I was driving and you,” I stutter. “Well you gave me head, the excitement forcing me to drive off the road. When I woke up and realized it was a dream I couldn’t stop thinking about it, and at the time you kept coming onto me. It was pretty damn hard to keep it in my pants after that.”
I can tell she’s amused. She shyly looks in another direction when our eyes meet. “I guess we both wondered what it would be like.”
“I guess so.”
“Remember when I said that Stan doesn’t give me butterflies in my stomach or make me feel excited when he walks into the room?”
“I remember. Why?”
“Because I had them once before with someone else, and the moment I saw you again they came right back.”
She’s rendered me speechless. All I’m able to do is reach for her hand and watch as she laces them together. I feel her head coming to lean on my shoulder and everything is right with the world in a single instant. Kissing th
e top of her head, I leave my cheek to rest against it. “Checking on you wasn’t the only reason for coming here. I’m here because I needed to prove to myself that holding onto hope that we could be good together wasn’t just in my head.”
I’m over the moon to be reunited with this woman, but worrisome regarding this only being a temporary visit. She’s here to figure out if she should marry another man, and I’m torn whether to ask her to stay, or push her to have a life where hiding from the world isn’t the only option. “I could give you a million reasons why being with me would be a bad idea.”
She sits up and turns to look directly at me. “I’m listening.”
Taking my hand, I run my fingers through her hair to push it out of her face. “What do you want me to say?”
Her voice is a whisper. “I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me I’m being childish. I want you to tell me I’ve fabricated some fairytale of a romance in my head.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?” Of course she wants to know.
“Because you came all this way to figure it out.”
She bites down on her bottom lip, dragging it across her teeth. “Then what are you waiting for?”
I inch forward, watching as she follows my lead. I’ve wanted to do this ever since I saw her standing in my living room. It’s been three years, but I can vividly recall the way her lips feel as they brush over mine, except I don’t have to remember, because I’m experiencing it firsthand. I feel her fingers rising up and tracing around my ear. I take her by the waist and pull her closer until she’s almost sitting on my lap. Our first kiss is so intense I’m shaking. It feels like a dream I don’t want to wake up from. She’s proving why I never found someone else to share my time with. None compared to this. She’s like that powerful storm rushing in, leaving remnants as she exits. I’ve never been able to shake her, which left me with years of regret. This is my chance to make it right.
The Wrong Side of Rock Bottom Page 15