1. Laverne is a sensual young woman with a jumbo appetite for the pleasures of the good life.
2. She is married to Harry, an ill-natured dolt much older than she but with the gelt to provide the aforementioned delights.
3. She meets a rakishly handsome immoralist, Frank Gloriana. He is married to the psychic, Hertha, but has no scruples about cheating on his wife, especially when the possibility of a payoff exists. (Or perhaps the medium is aware of his infidelity and couldn’t care less, being as amoral as he.)
4. Laverne and Frank become intimate, enjoying each other’s company with absolutely no intention of leaving their respective spouses.
5. But Frank suffers from a bad case of the shorts. (Bounced checks, etc.)
6. Question: Did Laverne or Frank dream up the idea of swiping Peaches for a good chunk of walking-around money?
7. Answer: My guess is that it was Frank’s scam, but Laverne merrily goes along since it causes distress to her boorish husband, he can easily afford the bite, and not to aid Frank might result in her losing him.
8. She sneaks the cat out of the Willigan home in its carrier and delivers it to Cabin Four.
9. Frank slides the ransom notes under the Willigans’ front door.
10. Laverne returns the carrier when she learns from her sister that I have noted its absence.
11. All that remains to be done is the glomming of the ransom and the return of Peaches to her hearth.
12. Everyone lives happily ever after.
I reread these notes, and everything seemed logical to me—and so banal I wanted to weep. I went to bed reflecting that there are really no new ways to sin.
If you discover any, I wish you’d let me know.
Saturday morning brought brilliant sunshine and a resurgence of the customary McNally confidence. This high lasted all of forty-five minutes until, while lathering my chops preparatory to shaving, I received a phone call from Consuela Garcia.
“Archy,” she wailed, “our orgy tonight—it’s off!”
The bright new day immediately dimmed. I had consoled myself, in typical masculine fashion, that despite my rejection by Meg Trumble on Friday night, there was always Connie awaiting me on Saturday. I had envisioned a debauch so profligate that it might even include our reciting in unison the limerick beginning, “There was a young man from Rangoon.” But apparently it was not to be.
“Connie,” I said, voice choked with frustration, “why ever not?”
“Because,” she said, “I got a call from my cousin Lola in Miami. She and Max, her husband, are driving up to Disney World and want to stop off and spend the night in my place.”
“Ridiculous!”
“I know, but I’ve got to let them, Archy, because I spent a weekend with them at Christmastime.”
I sighed. “At least we can all have dinner together, can’t we?”
“Archy,” she said, “Max wears Bermuda shorts with white ankle socks and laced black shoes.”
“No dinner,” I said firmly.
“But I want to see you,” she cried. “Can’t the two of us have lunch even if there’s no tiddledywinks later?”
“Of course we can,” I said gamely. “Meet you at the Club noonish.”
“You are an admirable man,” she proclaimed.
“I concur,” I said.
A zingy breakfast did wonders for my morale. Being of Scandinavian origin, the Olsons had a thing for herring. Ursi kept a variety on hand, and that was my morning repast: herring in wine, in mustard sauce, in dilled cream, and one lone kipper. I wolfed all this with schwarzbrot and sweet butter. I know iced vodka is the wash of choice with a feast of herring, but it was too early in the morning; I settled for black coffee.
Much refreshed and happy I had been blessed with a robust gut, I tooled the Miata southward to meet Sergeant Al. It was a splendid day, clear and soft. If you’re going to reenact a murder, that was the weather for it. The glory of sun, sea, and sky made homicide seem a lark. No one could possibly die on a day like that.
Rogoff was waiting for me in the flowered sitting room of the Gillsworth manse. I thought his meaty face was sagging with weariness, and I made sympathetic noises about his strenuous labors and obvious lack of sufficient sleep.
He shrugged. “Comes with the territory,” he growled. “How to be a successful cop: Work your ass off, be patient, and pray that you’re lucky. You smell of fish. What did you have for breakfast?”
“Herring.”
“I shouldn’t complain,” he said. “I had a hot pastrami sandwich and a kosher dill. Tell me about the crazy cat.”
We sat in facing armchairs, and I recited all the evidence leading to my conclusion that Laverne Willigan and Frank Gloriana had conspired in the catnapping.
Al listened intently and grinned when I finished. “Yeah,” he said, “I’ll buy it: the two of them making nice-nice and cooking up a plot to swipe the old coot’s pet for fifty grand. I love it, just love it. You figure the cat is still out at the motel?”
“There’s a cat in Cabin Four,” I said. “I heard it mewing. I can’t swear it’s Peaches, but I’d make book on it.”
He thought a moment. Then: “It might make our job easier when push comes to shove. That Cabin Four sounds like the combat center of everything that’s going down. Otto Gloriana is staying there, and that’s where you saw Gillsworth’s Bentley and Laverne’s Porsche.”
“And heard the cat,” I reminded him. “And also, the lady in the office said Otto drove off with a woman who could be Irma.”
“Probably was.”
“You want to raid the place, Al?”
“Not yet,” he said. “The cat isn’t as important as the homicides. I’d hate to tip our hand and send all the cockroaches scurrying back in the woodwork. But I think I’ll put an undercover guy in one of the other cabins, just to keep an eye on things.”
“All right,” I said, “you play it your way. Now tell me about the FBI report.”
He took out his notebook and flipped pages until he got to the section he wanted. Then he paused to light a cigar. I waited patiently until he had it drawing to his satisfaction. Then he started reading.
“The machine is a Smith Corona PWP 100C personal word processor with pica type. Paper is Southworth DeLuxe Four Star. Smith Corona ribbon used throughout. All letters written on same machine, probably by same operator.”
“Interesting,” I said; “but what good is it? What do we do with it?”
He smiled at me. “Archy, you’ve got to start thinking like a cop. I just had a rookie assigned to me. What I’ll do is have the guy go through the Yellow Pages and make a list of all the companies in the area that sell and service office machines. He hits every one of them and makes his own list of those that handle the Smith Corona PWP 100C. Then he gets the names and addresses of customers who have bought that machine or had it serviced. It’s a lot of legwork, I admit, but it’s got to be done, and I think it’ll pay off.”
I thought a moment. “That’s one way of doing it,” I said. “The hard way.”
Al looked at me, a little miffed. “Oh?” he said. “And what’s the easy way, sherlock?”
“Give your rookie a twenty-minute crash course on word processors. Tell him to get a business card from a legitimate company. Send him to call on Frank Gloriana at their office on Clematis Street. The rookie is wearing civvies. He tries to sell Frank a Smith Corona PWP 100C. I’m betting Frank will say, ‘Sorry, we’ve already got one.’”
The sergeant burst out laughing and slapped his thigh. “What a scamster you are!” he said. “Thank God you’re on our side or you’d end up owning Florida. Yeah, that’s a great swindle, and we’ll try it before the rookie starts pounding the pavement. You really think the letters are coming out of the Glorianas’ office?”
“A good bet,” I said. “There are some doors up there leading to closed-off rooms I didn’t see. It’s worth a go.”
“It sure is,” Rogoff said. “Thanks for the suggest
ion.”
“You’re quite welcome,” I said. “Al, are you serious about reenacting the murder?”
“Sure I’m serious. Look, we picked up some odds and ends of physical evidence. None of them are heavy by themselves, but taken together they add up to a possible homicide planned to look like a suicide. I’ll explain as we go along. Now I want you to go back to the kitchen. I’ll go outside and pretend I’m the perp. You try to act like you think Gillsworth did in the few minutes before his death.”
I went to the kitchen, which still showed blackened scars from the grease fire. In a moment I heard the front doorbell ring. I paused a moment and then returned to the entrance. I peered through the judas window. The sergeant was standing there. I opened the door.
“All right,” Rogoff said, “the victim probably does the same thing: glances through the window, sees someone he knows, and lets him in.”
“Him?” I said. “Not a woman? Or maybe two people?”
“Possible,” he said. He stepped inside, closed the door behind him. “Now the perp is inside but doesn’t know Gillsworth has left a pan of oil heating on the range. And before the victim can tell him, the killer does this...”
He leveled a forefinger at me thumb up, other fingers clenched.
“Why the gun?” I asked him.
“Because the killer wants to get Gillsworth into the bathtub so he can fake a suicide. A polite invitation just isn’t going to do it. Now put your hands in the air and turn around.”
I followed orders. In a few seconds I felt a light slap on the back of my skull.
“What was that?” I asked.
“The guy—or lady if you insist—slugs Gillsworth on the back of the noggin. The docs found it: a forcible blow caused by the famous blunt instrument. Could have been a gun butt. Heavy enough to render the victim unconscious. Now fall backward. Don’t worry; I’ll catch you.”
Somewhat nervously I toppled. Al caught me under the arms.
“My God,” he said, “what do you weigh?”
“One-seventy.”
“Bullshit.”
“Well, maybe a little more.”
“Yeah, twenty pounds more,” he said. “Gillsworth weighed about one-fifty.”
“That figures,” I said. “He was a scrawny bird.”
“And a lot easier to drag than you,” Al said, moving backward down the corridor toward the bathroom, pulling me along with him.
“We know it was done like this,” the sergeant said, “because the victim’s heels made furrows in the carpet. Photographed and the fibers analyzed. And guess what we found in the parallel tracks.”
“What?”
“Cat hairs.”
“Oh-oh. The motel.”
“You got it. So we went upstairs and vacuumed Gillsworth’s other clothes and shoes. More cat hair. He must have spent a lot of time in Cabin Four. The hair was silver-gray.”
“Peaches,” I said. “Definitely.”
He made no comment, trying not to huff and puff as he dragged me past the poet’s den and through the door of the bathroom.
“Okay,” he said, “you can stand up now. I’m not going to put you in the tub; it hasn’t been washed out yet.” He assisted me to my feet and glanced at his watch. “Less than three minutes from front door to bathroom. Then I figure the killer tugged Gillsworth over the edge of the tub and let him fall. That’s when the victim cracked his head on the rim. He had two separate and distinct wounds on the back of his skull: one from the gun butt, the other made when he was dumped in the tub and smashed, his head. You can still see the mark on the rim.”
I stood erect and gazed down into the tub. Blood had dried and caked on the bottom and inner surfaces of the walls.
“Was the drain closed?” I asked.
“No,” Rogoff said. “But Gillsworth was wearing a crazy jacket. The tail blocked the drain enough so the blood didn’t run out freely. Now the victim is lying in the tub, face up, unconscious. The killer takes a single-edge razor blade and slashes both his wrists.”
“In the wrong direction?”
“Correct. And drops the blade on the bath mat to make it look like Gillsworth had let it fall there.”
“Any prints on the blade?”
“Nothing usable.”
“Where did it come from? Did Gillsworth shave with single-edge blades?”
“Ah-ha,” Rogoff said. “The beauty part. I wanted to make sure this wasn’t a burglary-homicide, so I called Marita to come over and check out the house. She said nothing was missing. She also said they had no single-edge blades; Gillsworth used an electric shaver. We found it in the upstairs bathroom. So the killer brought the blade with him. Which means the fake suicide was planned. It would make a nice headline: ‘Heartbroken Poet Takes Own Life After Tragic Death of Beloved Wife.’”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “And your mention of Marita reminds me of something. The last time you and I met in this house—that was right after Lydia Gillsworth was killed—I saw Marita drive up. What was she doing here?”
Al gave me a look. “You don’t miss much, do you? Well, after his wife was murdered, I asked Roderick to check out the house and see if anything was missing. He did and said nothing was gone as far as he could tell. But I called in Marita to double-check, figuring a housekeeper would know better whether or not anything was missing.”
“And was it?”
“Yeah,” Al said, staring at me. “A pair of latex gloves. Marita kept them under the sink to use when she scoured pots.”
“Latex gloves,” I repeated. “Lovely. The final prints on the walking stick that killed Lydia were made with latex gloves, weren’t they?”
“That’s right.”
I took a deep breath. “How do you compute it, Al?”
“I don’t,” he said, almost angrily. “It makes absolutely no sense that a stranger breaks into the house and goes looking for latex gloves before he kills. I’ve got that mystery on hold. But meanwhile, what do you think of my scenario on Gillsworth’s murder and the faked suicide?”
“Plausible,” I said. “There’s only one thing wrong with it.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ve provided a believable exegesis on how it happened, but you haven’t said a word about why.”
“Why?” he said disgustedly. “Why does a chicken cross the road?”
“For the same reason a fireman wears red suspenders,” I said. “Let’s get the hell out of here, Al. A bloody bathtub is not the most fitting dessert for a herring breakfast.”
But he said he wanted to stay, and mumbled something about taking additional measurements. I didn’t believe that. Al Rogoff, despite his cop’s practicality, is something of a romantic. I reckoned that he wanted to wander through that doomed house for a while, reflect on the two sanguinary murders that had happened within its walls, try to absorb the aura of the place, listen for ghosts, and perhaps conceive a reason for the seemingly senseless killings.
All I wanted was blue sky, hot sunshine, and uncontaminated air to breathe. Evil has a scent all its own, not only sickening but frightening.
I drove directly to the Pelican Club. I was a bit early for my date with Connie Garcia, but having spent the morning impersonating a corpse, I was badly in need of a transfusion. I was certain a frozen daiquiri would bring roses back to the McNally cheeks.
The luncheon crowd had not yet assembled, but Simon Pettibone was on duty behind the bar, reading Barron’s through his Ben Franklin glasses. He put the financial pages aside long enough to mix my drink, an ambrosial concoction with just a wee bit of Cointreau added.
Mr. Pettibone went back to his stock indices, and I nursed my plasma, savoring the quiet, cool, dim ambience of my favorite watering hole. A few members wandered in, but it was a pleasant Saturday afternoon and most Pelicanites were in pools or the ocean, on fairways and courts, or perhaps astride a polo pony out at Wellington. Life is undoubtedly unfair and one would be a fool not to enjoy one’s good fortune.
&nbs
p; Connie showed up a few minutes after noon. She was wearing stone-washed denim overalls atop a tie-dyed T-shirt. Her long black hair was gathered with a yellow ribbon, and there were leather strap sandals on her bare feet. She looked—oh, maybe sixteen years old, and I told her she might have to show her ID to get a drink.
We went back to the empty dining area, and a yawning Priscilla showed us to our favorite corner table. Connie ordered a white zin and I had a repeat of my daiquiri.
“Sorry about tonight, Archy,” she said, “but there was just no way I could turn Lola and Max away; they are family.”
“No problem,” I said. “After they’ve gone, we’ll make up for lost time.”
She reached across the table to clasp my hand. “Promise?” she said.
“I swear by Zeus,” I said. “And a McNally does not take an oath to Zeus lightly.”
“Who’s Zeus?” she asked.
“A Greek who owns a luncheonette up near Jupiter,” I said.
I was spared further explanation when Pris brought our drinks and rattled off the specials of the day. Connie and I both opted for the mixed seafood salad (scallops, shrimp, Florida lobster) with a loaf of garlic toast.
“I’ve got news for you,” Connie said after we ordered, “and you’re not going to like it.”
“You’re pregnant?”
“No, dammit,” she said. “I’d love to have kids, wouldn’t you?”
“I can’t,” I said. “Being of the male gender.”
“You know what I mean,” she said, laughing. “Anyway, the bad news is this: I was turned down by that medium.”
“What!?”
She nodded. “I got a letter from Hertha Gloriana, a very cold letter. She said it was obvious to her that the person I described doesn’t actually exist, and therefore she could not provide a psychic profile and was returning my check. She also told me not to apply again unless I told her the truth.”
“I’ll be damned.”
“Archy, how did she know my letter was a phony? There was nothing in it that might tip her off it was a scam.”
The Archy McNally Series, Volume 1 Page 44