My dick wins over my mind and as soon as I step inside my grimy flat I decide I will go and get this out of my system right fucking now. Then I can just move on with a clear head and no ghosts. I shower quickly in the small dirty bathroom. I am fucking moving out of this hovel tomorrow I don’t give a shit what my asshole brother thinks or says about it. I will not let him dictate where I live.
I take a freshly dry-cleaned suit from its suit bag and dress myself. I feel different without my hair, I feel older, but I feel like the weight of expectation is lifted off me. I sense the monsters coming alive just a little more. I fill my wallet with money; because I am not bringing the pretty ghost back here, we will find a hotel, maybe drive into the city itself. I like the idea of getting out of Glasnevin for the night, this place is full of ghosts and expectations. It is full of a family that I hate enough to kill them all. I cannot control the thick darkness that overpowers me in this place. My monster was born here.
Maybe if I take my ghost away from here, I can see her for who she is and not as a replacement for her sister. She is certainly bolder than Cassie ever was, and there is something else in her eyes, ambition and something sinister and a little evil that her sister never had. I am not here to find a woman to keep my bed warm I am here to destroy my family and leave with the spoils of war. I am here to claim my birthright, my father’s family throne and the business I have built.
I call a taxi to take me back to the pub I don’t feel like walking in the fucking rain any longer it is cold now. I hate cold, wet and grey everything about this place makes me hate it more. I have no fond memories, no warm feelings and certainly do not want to make this my home ever. This is the home of my nightmares and monsters. This is where villains are born from boys.
When I walk into the pub, it is still buzzing with now much drunker mourners, but only the men, the woman folk have evidently been sent home for the night. I scan the room for red hair, but I don’t find any. My youngest brother is only twelve and is drunk and disorderly when I grab his arm and seethe into his ear. “Where can I find Shannon?” He laughs at me his spittle landing on my face and it’s all I can do not to beat his head in. I hate him just a little less than all the others; he isn't Mirrie's son. He is a bastard like me. “The pretty doctor went to her surgery to sew up two of Neil’s boys that got into it.” He laughs again pulling away from me and walking back into the crowded bar. I don’t go any further inside I turn and get into to my waiting taxi. Doctor? She became a doctor, worse she became our physician. Fuck, stupid woman she will end up dead like all the other before her, doctors know too many secrets to be left alive. The taxi stops in front of what I remember to be her father’s surgery, and I don’t see any lights on inside. She must have finished with the guys from the pub already; I should just leave she may not even be here. I don’t though the ghost is calling to me somehow. I walk up and push on the door and to my surprise, it is open a bell chimes as I step inside. The place is just how I remember it, the furniture desk and old light fittings nothing has changed at all. As I step further inside I hear her yell from the back. “For fuck sake more of you, could you not just enjoy the night without hurting each other? Fucking idiots. I am tired.” She is still muttering as she steps into the dark waiting room where I am standing. She freezes when her green eyes meet mine in the dark, I am looking at my ghost standing there in the dark room and I want her. I have never wanted anything more in my life – and I have wanted many things.
“We had a dinner date?” I say to break the silence. “Are you ready?” She looks confused as she walks closer to me. “You said ‘maybe’ then left me waiting in a bar full of thugs; that’s not a date Callum. I am not in the mood to play games tonight. Just go, it doesn’t even matter anymore.” She asked me out, now she is telling me to leave. I don’t like ladies who think they can control what I do. This lady has my blood boiling instantly. “What doesn’t matter anymore Shannon? You asked me to dinner, and I am here.” She is agitated and stalks closer to me now. “I don’t matter Callum; that’s what, I only asked you out because your fucking brother is going to kill me if I don’t pursue you and make you stay here. Why he thinks that I can make you do anything, I have no clue, so you can just go because I can tell that nothing will stop you from leaving here you, hate it. So just go, I am over living this shitty fucking half-life anyway.” She sighs loudly and turns away from me walking back to her consulting room at the back. Her steps are determined, but all, I can see, are those fucking legs attached to that ass, and I want it. Her curves are calling to me making me hard.
I don’t know why I am surprised at this move, Neil gets the ghost of love lost to make me want to stay. I am staying anyway you idiot, just long enough to kill you, but I am staying, and I will be fucking damned if I let you kill her. I stomp my way back after her and shut the door behind me. “Why did you tell me that, why not just try to get me to like you? He will kill you for telling me.” I need to understand what would make her stupid enough betray Neil; she works for him and knows how this family works. Tears well at the corners of her green eyes but she doesn’t let them fall. “Because I am tired Callum, I am tired of trying not to get killed. You are not going to fall for me and live here happily ever after. I knew it the second I saw you. I would be wasting my breath and time on you. You are just as likely to kill me as you are to get me killed so either way I am fucked. I remember what happened to the girl you loved, I heard it all, you will end me as quickly as you did her. I can’t love you or anyone for that matter. So you see with you or without you I’m as good as dead I just trust you more than him for some stupid reason.” She is standing tall trying to threaten me by encroaching on my space. She is too close to me, and I can smell her, it’s my undoing. I grab her and pull her perfect body close to me and kiss her lips so she will stop talking this fucking nonsense. There is an instant stab right through my heart with the connection, and I am confused by how much I want her and want to kill her for what she just said.
I need to stop; I shove her away and the shock of my kiss is written on her face the tears she held in have fallen down her cheeks. “I need to think about this.” I hiss at her before I turn around and stalk out of the surgery. I cannot take her to dinner right now I need to find out why Neil wants her so close and if he controls her or not before I go there. And I want to go there, that taste was enough to tell me I will go there. I get into waiting taxi and bark at the driver to take me back to the pub. I might as well pretend to be part of this family so I can keep tabs on them, this is a bold move from Neil he must want something big from me.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN these idiots would hurt themselves or someone else this evening, the drink has flowed all day, and they got too rowdy. When the first fight broke out, the woman folk were all sent packing, me with two bleeding morons by my side. I should have known I would be working tonight. It doesn’t matter anyway; Callum never returned to the pub. He is never going to fall in love, certainly not with me, and there is no way he is going to stay here I can see a caged animal in those eyes he is going to run. Neil expressed his disappointment to me very openly, asking what I said to make his brother leave so suddenly. I am as good as dead. It doesn't matter because I am incapable of loving someone. Even if I could, I certainly would not choose a monster. Love is a death sentence, and since I already have one of those, I do not need another.
I am tired and irritated and disappointed in myself for being so bold with Callum. I should have left him to approach me. I could just lock up and go to bed, but I am almost positive that the bell will ring with more wounded mourners as soon as I get into bed. I spin on my chair behind my desk waiting for the inevitable to happen. I cannot help but wonder why Callum left and never returned. I try mentally calculate how long it has been, but my brain is too tired for math. I think it is about eighteen years now. My presence had apparently offended him, but he had said maybe, he was probably just being polite and didn’t want to hurt me by saying no to my face. I remind him of Cassie
and maybe that hurts.
That annoying fucking bell on the door chimes interrupting my thoughts and making me angrier than I already was could they just not kill each other for one fucking night. Just one night where I am not woken up or disturbed for some bullshit. One night where I don't belong to them. I grind my teeth and slip my shoes back on.
When I walk to the front of the surgery standing in my dark waiting room is not a bleeding thug, a bullet wound victim or the loser of a bar brawl. But there is the man that holds my life in hands. I am so tired of fighting to stay alive, trying to survive this fucking family. Living a life is so much harder than taking one. I have nothing to gain or lose by just telling him the truth and be done with them all. I don’t want to go out to dinner with him, I know I cannot win; he is never going to stay here and certainly not with me. My brain stops working altogether, and my mouth spouts the truth of my bold dinner invitation. I give up. I don't want this anymore. I could die tonight, and it would be alright. I open my eyes after I let my thoughts escape through my mouth without thinking. I just say it all.
Callum is standing too close to me; I can smell him, he smells clean like soap and aftershave. He has cut that disgusting hair and his beard is trimmed and neat. His clothes are expensive and fit every inch of his imposing frame perfectly. Now that I am up so close, he is an impressive man, I can tell his clothes hide a body that spends hours in the gym keeping it that firm. He wants to know why I would betray Neil when I know it will get me killed.
It is simple. I am tired of it all. So very tired of them.
“Because I am tired Callum, I am tired of trying not to get killed. You are not going to fall for me and live here happily ever after I knew it the second I saw you. I would be wasting my breath and time on you. You are just as likely to kill me as you are to get me killed so either way I am fucked. I remember what happened to the girl you loved, I heard it all, you will end me as quickly as you did her when I don’t love you. So you see with you or without you I’m as good as dead I just trust you more than him for some stupid reason.” I just spill my guts out. If he shoots me right now, I just don’t care anymore. I am too tired to fight one more day of this internal war with myself or them.
Instead of killing me, yelling at me or even hitting me, he kisses me. Holy fucking shit balls does he kiss me, I feel it pulling at the hole where my heart should be, and there is a hair-raising charge between us. I can feel the tears I have held back spill over my cheeks as his mouth makes magic against mine. I have never felt what I felt in that kiss with any of the many men who have found their way into my knickers. Even the ones I got rid of made me feel nothing but icy rage, and this isn’t rage. It’s electric, and I don’t like it at all. Every swipe of his tongue against mine is like a shockwave.
I feel like I just lost the most important fight of my life. His kiss defeated me and yet it gave me false hope just for an instant. Callum is powerful in ways I cannot even begin to understand, whether he stays or goes that man will kill me. I know that I have just met the man who will end my life one way, or another. The thing is now I want him to.
My body still hums from his kiss as he shoves me away, hard and harsh making me stumble in my heels. “I need to think about this.” He hisses at me and retreats out the door letting it slam behind him. He left me there like a fool as his waiting taxi drove away. Rejected again. I feel the cycle starting. I feel the grey blurring at the lines of reality and being near him is a very dangerous line to blur. “No one wants a spoiled girl Shannon and you are spoiled right to the very core of you. Rotten. Broken, vile and unlovable. Concentrate on being a doctor, you will never be a wife.” My father’s cruel words remind me of who I am underneath the pretty face and the high heels. The memories of just how tainted I am crush that little seed of hope.
The chances are good that tomorrow I will be killed off and replaced by the next doctor foolish enough to owe the O’Reilly’s anything. And that is okay, I am done.
THE TAXI DRIVER TAKES HIS time driving through the now very heavy rain back to the pub where my family are no doubt drunk, disorderly and disgusting. I have sobered up, and that kiss just sucked the last of the scotch from my blood stream and left me feeling stone cold. My blood turned to ice after I stopped kissing that fire filled red head. She has done something to me, and I cannot explain it. I have worked so hard to turn my feelings off and she in an instant has flicked the switch back on. I feel guilty because in my head, my mind and my heart I was kissing Cassie and not her. I was kissing the girl I loved not the woman in front of me. Worse I loved the feel of kissing the girl that I had lost all those years ago. The girl I shoved out of a window in drug-induced jealous rage.
I don’t like the doctor’s attitude, and the spark in her makes me nervous, she will get herself killed with that mouth. I have been thinking about what Neil’s motivations might be? I think I can swing the beautiful doctor onto my side and use her to get what I need from my brother, but first I need to be sure she isn’t loyal to him. I hope she isn’t one of his many whores, I will be pissed off is she is a bed warmer for my brother and his wayward dick. I don't know why, but I feel like she needs me to save her from my family and maybe from herself.
For now, I need to put those green eyes and red hair out of my mind and sidle up to my brothers, cousins and extended family. I need to follow my plan, I plan to become the “king” of this family exactly as my father was, and I plan to take my birth-right back from my idiot brothers by force. A force that will leave not one of them wondering who I am or why I should be in charge. For as long as I can remember, the criminals in our circles referred to my pop as ‘King Connor’. A title I envied coveted and planned to take for myself and if I am lucky I will have a red haired queen at my side. I was born with mob blood in my veins, my mother the Princess of the mob and my father its new King. I was meant to rule this empire. It was always mine, and I am taking it back.
The pub is alive with music that moves in time to the drunks falling all over the place. My brothers sit at a table in the corner separate from the shenanigans, their brows furrowed with the seriousness of the conversation. I have no intention of being excluded from this family; in fact, I want to be very involved in it all. I saunter up to where Neil and Warrick and their henchmen and sit my sober self next to their sweaty drunk bodies. The conversation stops immediately, I know I was the topic of discussion. I know much more than they think I do, the big boxer, who sits next Neil pretending to be his loyal lapdog, is one of mine. I own him and all his secrets and he will feed me the conversation I missed later on. He has been on my side since we were ten years old. Art is my eyes and ears within my family.
The youngest O'Reilly boys Noel and Harm are too young for business and are both shitfaced at the bar with some of the other men. Their loud laughter and voices just add fuel to my already simmering rage.
“Nice of you to join us at last Callum, did you find the lovely doctor?” Neil’s voice is laced with malice as he presses me for information. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction, but I also don’t want to find her dead in a few hours. So young Harmon is telling tales on me. I may have to teach him a little lesson.
“Yes, I found Shannon, she has a smart mouth on her that one, a mouth made for kissing,” I smirk at him, not giving him any more or less than that. I have baited the hook, and his smug smile lets me know that he believes he has won. Art's eyes meet mine he is confused and concerned. A small headshake and he looks away again.
“So you like the lass? She has fire in her that’s for sure. Damn good doctor too.” Neil continues to poke me for a reaction. “Will you see her again brother?” The way he says brother makes my skin itch. He is not my brother in any way that matters at all. He has an evil smile on his face as he waits for me to reply, which I don’t. “She is the image of her sister; I thought she would be in your pants already Callum.” The twitch in my neck and the craving for sugar tell me I should just leave before I attack my brother. Instead, I engage him
in his stupid game. I like to play with my toys before I break them.
“I am not in the habit of sleeping with ghosts’ brother; I have plenty of living breathing women who can warm my bed at night.” I egg him on, and it works he balls his fists on the table and glares at me before he replies. He is the same little brat he always was. I grew up though. I changed, and I will win this time. He has no one to save him, no mommy to send me away and defend his honour.
“Callum, you are a disgrace to our family name, you need a wife at your side to make you appear respectable. Who you fill your fucking bed with after that doesn’t matter, we all have our own little hot water bottles, but we also have wives and children. Heirs Callum, the future.” The men around him nod. My other brother Warrick who has been mute up till this point chimes in, “He has a point, and it makes people wonder what’s wrong with you. What is wrong with you Callum?” Idiot, he should have stayed quiet. The madness is coming and my monster lurks dangerously close to the surface I need to control it I need to get away from them.
“What’s wrong with me, my brothers is, I fucking work. I am the one who has done every dirty rotten fucking deed to make the fortunes you spend! I don’t have time for a wife, a pet or even a pot plant in my life, and I certainly do not have time for children. Women serve one purpose for me; they keep my dick warm then they leave. Simple, I like simple.” I push my chair back stand up and walk over to the bar, now I need a drink. It's not straightforward; I am a monster. I hurt people I hurt women, and I cannot stop it even when I want to. Even on my meds I want to kill them, I can just control the urge a little better.
Monochrome My Madness Page 4