Monochrome My Madness

by Ashleigh Giannoccaro

  I look up to find him seated in the chair on the other side of my desk, all gentlemanly and sex god-y, fuck him. Really? He smiles at me and I want to climb over the desk and kill him or rape him, maybe both. There it is, the grey! I wondered how long it would take. Five minutes. Now it’s my smile that creeps over my face as I imagine him begging for his life. I shake with the shiver of satisfaction that would bring me.

  “Hello, Shannon I see you still want to kill me.” My smile turns deadpan, how does he know what I think, how does he read me so well. In an instant, he can tell what I want. “Very much so. Hello Callum, to what do I owe the pleasure?” I try to keep my voice calm and emotionless, but the sarcasm just leaks out on its own. I am on tender hooks wanting to know why he has returned. What he wants?

  “We are going to dinner; I will wait while you finish your work.” He cocks his head towards my computer. “I am not in the mood to go out Callum.” I will not cave so easily to his bullshit. He stands up and leans his massive frame across my desk, his large hand wraps around my neck making every breath an effort. He gets so close I can smell him and feel his breath on me, his eyes are cold and angry and evil. “Yes you do, Shannon yes you do. Hurry the fuck up, we are going out.” He lets me go and I draw in as much air as I can. I touch the skin where his hand just left and I know it will bruise. I can’t stop Callum from what he wants so I may as well stop trying. I nod at him. “Words woman, fucking words use them.” He roars at me now slamming his fist down on my desk. “I’m sorry Callum. Where are we going? Do I need to change?” I try sounding sweet and apologetic, but it just seems fake and forced. “To my hotel, and no you don’t need to change.” He grunts out as I reach under the desk for my handbag. He looks at it, then at me. “Leave it here; you won’t be killing me or anyone else tonight princess.” How did he know what I have in there? I don’t argue just drop the bag on the floor and grab my phone. Why do I just obey him blindly, why don’t I fight?

  He makes me walk in front of him as if I would stab him in the back or trip him if given the chance. I feel him behind me, his frame is so large towering over me, crushing any illusion I had of power. I have no power where Callum is concerned.

  The buildings pass by too fast to see them as we drive to his hotel and a profound sense of dread builds in the pit of my stomach. I feel like I am driving to my own funeral right now. I have used the last three days to think about what it is that I want. The reality is I want normal and that is never going to happen.

  I TOOK THREE DAYS TO DEAL with my feelings for Shannon, the very wrong ones and the not so bad ones. I am undeniably attracted to her, but it is the danger she poses that draws me closer still. I spent the time fitting her into my plans, writing new ones with her in them and tonight I will tell her about them. All of them including the one where she walks away from me and back to my brother. I learned a little truth to that dynamic from Art over the time apart from her. I don’t like it. Three days that have felt like forever with the image of her messy hair and puffy eyes burned into my brain. The way, she yelled at me, made the desire for her even stronger, she is a fighter. She might just stand a chance against me and my madness, but regardless of what she wants and I plan to take her and make her mine. To do with as, I, please.

  You cannot fix a killer, don’t even try, but I may just be able to change her into a different kind of killer. One that can kill for me and not just kill me. I have spent hours thinking about whether or not she might even be capable of feeling emotion, an attachment or even a need other than to kill. My thoughts left me with very little hope and another project to busy myself with while I wait to murder my family.

  I cannot get the images of her in the shower out of my head, she crumbling under the pressure of me. Exactly what I wanted, but to what end? There is no denying it, her body responded to me, both my monster and the gentle lover. But her mind won’t accept both, her monster won’t dance with mine it will always be a fight. I like to fight. I have had enough time to contemplate what I need and what she needs so that we can exist together.

  How can she be so strong yet so weak?

  I am going to bring her here for dinner that will be prepared by the hotel. I want to see how she will react to everything I lay out for her. I have left her to think, to separate my presence from her feelings if she has any at all. Will she accept it and go along with me, or will she run? I won’t chase her; if she runs I will kill her before I chase after her or let her go.

  I fucking hate the surgery. The rancid antiseptic smell the dated furniture and rank decay of decades of remaining exactly the same. Mostly I hate that it reminds me of Cassie, I want to forget her so I can focus on Shannon and not the ghosts of my past. I need to focus on what is to come. On who I need to become.

  Megan is ranting about how busy she is and that I cannot go back there. I ignore her whiny voice and move towards her office in the back. When I walk in the door of her consulting room, her head is down and she pretends to be working. She knows I am here, but won’t lift her eyes from her computer. I sit down in the chair opposite her, I hate being on this side of a desk, I belong on the boss’ side of the desk.

  It only takes a few minutes for me to see the murderer in her eyes, she wants to kill me again. I can read her ticks without her even knowing it. The problem is, that pushes my buttons and I feel the madness burning just beneath my cool façade I am going to snap again. I don’t think I can be with her and not want to hurt her. She isn’t like the others before her where the madness comes before them, she brings the madness with her. She pulls the violent need right from me with a single glance. We are never going to be good for each other.

  I am waiting for it. The fire in her eyes says she will push me to the limit of my self-control. When she says she won’t come to dinner, I cannot hold it in not even if I tried. I launch over the desk and grab her by her delicate throat and I squeeze the life out of her. She incenses me more by fighting it making me want to hurt her more. I eventually let go, but she has darkened my mood and woken the madness, tonight is going to be very long at this rate. I wanted to stay calm, I should be able to remain calm. What the fuck is wrong with me? She is making me worse.

  Art said this was a stupid fucking idea, a bad, stupid idea. As we drive to the hotel the idea, becomes worse by the minute. Her hair is all messy and her face is clean of any makeup, her beauty is a part of the evil. It lures me in even when she is just her raw self.

  THE HOTEL SUITE IS MY sanctuary at the moment, I have returned to my house over the last couple of days and work has begun to making it liveable and to my taste. The contractors have been given a month. I imagine my grandfather living in that house, he was a very powerful man and my mother's death, was the end of him and all his power. I slip away into memories for a minute as Shannon walks around the hotel suite inspecting it. I am not sure all of them are real memories most are my childhood nightmares warped and bent into images that haunted me for so long.

  This time it is that front door that haunts me. I am a little boy again. My heart squeezes as I remember it. I ball my fists and clench my teeth bracing for the nighmares that threaten to come.

  We walk up the path to the big door of the scary house, mommy has tears on her cheeks. I see them glisten like little stars as she holds my hand so tight it hurts me now. My daddy pulls her other arm so hard and I trip on the steps and skin my knee, the blood makes me want to cry. “Boys don’t cry!” Daddy’s words make me stop before I even start. The steps are cold and frightening the air is freezing, and the wind whips dead leaves across the entrance to the scary house. The blood is staining my pants where my knee bleeds.

  The big door opens and an old man with grey hair is standing inside, his eyes are dark and they frighten me I try to hide behind my mom. Daddy shoves her forcing her to let go of my hand and she lands on her knees, she looks up at the old man and he has stars dancing on his cheeks too. They are all talking, but I can’t hear them I just hear my heart beating too fast.

&n
bsp; Daddy has his gun out, the one I am not allowed to touch, the big silver one from the office drawer. He points the gun at mommy and yelling at the old man to choose. CRACK-THUD - then mommy is gone there is blood on my face it is warm and sticky, it smells funny and the old man closes the door on me as daddy walks away. I hold my mommy’s hand and wait in the cold for dad to come back and get me or for the door to open again. Neither one happens, a long time later a man with funny eyes comes up the steps and takes mommy inside, but he leaves me in the cold to wait. I wait forever I am so cold and I wet my pants. I want my mommy.

  I just want to go back and jump in the way of the bullet, I should have saved my mother. I could have, but I didn’t because I cannot do good things.

  I am snapped back to the real world by Shannon asking, “Are we eating here or downstairs Callum?” I shake off my trip to hell and answer her.

  “I have arranged for dinner to be brought to us, but I need to discuss some things with you.” I try to keep the emotion of my memories out of my voice as I walk towards where she stands. She is afraid, maybe not of me but of how she feels when I am near, but I can sense her fear. She is staring into space and her body is wound tight. I can see her chest rising and falling with each breath she takes and I can see the bruises from my hands forming on her delicate neck. I swallow a lump in my throat that I have marred her beauty again. I have never been able to control it, I hurt anyone who dares get close enough to me, before they can hurt me. I know it is wrong and I want to stop it, but I cannot. With Shannon, I seem to have even less control of it. I should be on my meds, but no one knows that I need them here.

  I get close enough to take her hand and lead her to the table where we will eat later, her soft hands are so small and her red nails look vicious against her pale skin. Once we are both sitting, I cannot bear the silence and I start talking. “Shannon if I asked you what do you want and you could have anything what would you ask for?” Her eyes meet mine and I see a glimmer of hope and then her anger at that hope. “Callum we all know I cannot have what I want.” She hesitates before she carries on. “I want many things that I will never have Callum, I don’t like being given false hope.” Her tone is threatening and vengeful. “Who said the hope is false, I am asking you what you want Shannon, what would make you happy? Answer me before I have reason to lose my fucking temper again.” I just want her to tell me what it is she needs so I can give it to her.

  She pushes her chair out slightly making a safe escape possible this time before she sighs and covers her face with her hands. “I just want regular Callum, I want to wake up and know that if I died someone would know that I am gone. I want to be in control of my own life just once before I die and I want to get close to another person without the burning desire to kill them. You think you can give me those things Callum? Because I know you can’t, no one can. People like us don’t get normal. We get whatever is left.” She keeps her face covered, but I feel the loneliness, she is lonely and I think that is what has fuelled her killing. She is a master manipulator I keep reminding myself to be careful of believing these moments of weakness.

  “I can try Shannon, for starters I would know if you died, I would look for you if you suddenly disappeared. I can give you some of the control that you need and I promise you won’t kill me even when you want to.” She doesn’t look up, or answer me. I see the small drops of her tears on the table cloth. “But in order to do that Shannon I need you to know what I want from you in return. Nothing in life is free, you know better in our world. We all pay with our lives for what we want. ” There is always a catch in life, she of all people should know that.

  Her green eyes look at me all puffy and red around the edges showing just how vulnerable she is. My stupid fucking brother didn’t nurture this woman into the asset she could be. He suffocated her into a caged animal and broke her spirit. “What do you want from me Callum? Three days ago you wanted to date me, an hour ago you wanted to strangle me. I cannot keep up, am I to be your fake girlfriend? Your real girlfriend, your doctor? What? What do you want? Moreover, why would I do what you want?” She is trying the illusion of power with me again; I indulge her for now. I know she will cave to my demands if I make them seem like requests. She needs to have control; she craves it. However, I will not give it her, not yet.

  “You will be my real wife, let’s be clear I was not holding back when I said I want you Shannon. You are done being a doctor so you can get that out of your head. You will maintain the image of being a doctor, but you will be my wife first. You will be by my side and you will have your wants met. I will help you with your need to kill by giving you the opportunity to kill the people whose untimely deaths will be mutually beneficial and satisfying. My plan for this family just became your plan too little princess. As to why would you do what I want? If you do not Shannon, you will be dead before you can pick up your phone and tell my idiot brother one word. That is why. It is me or it is the end.” I make sure she is looking me in the eye when I say end, because I mean it. If she walks away now Art, will kill her before she can tell a soul about my plan, my demons or what I did to her. I won’t let her go, she is mine now. My toy and I am done sharing my toys.

  Her mouth is open slightly the shock of my words has her scrambling to find her own to answer me. I don’t give her a chance before I continue. “We will continue to appear to date, I however would like it to be more than a show. I feel something for you Shannon and I intend to act on it. I know you feel it even if you don’t want to, you cannot deny this pull. In a month when the house is ready, I will propose marriage and we will move in together. At our engagement dinner, you will poison some of my family, nothing as dramatic as you have been doing I would prefer if they died at home.” A smile creeps over her lips at the mention of poison and death and the twinkle in her eyes tells me I have won. “Callum like I said, false hope, I have no choice really. I feel something when I am near you and it scares the shit out of me. You scare me. I know you are going to hurt me and we will literally kill each other. I knew the second I saw you that you would be the one to end me.” She breathes heavily trying to mask her anger at being trapped with no real choice again. Hope is always false. There is no hope when you are born and bred to live in the shadow world of crime and death.

  At that moment, a man in a penguin suit arrives with our dinner and pushes the cart next to us before he places the plates with their silver domes in front of us. He removes the covers and the aroma of the food takes over my senses. I am immediately reminded of what I have left behind, the real food takes me back to eating at the estate with Rowan and Laurie, I want what they have that connection to another. I want it with Shannon. “Maybe I can be the one to truly begin you Shannon, not end you,” I say before we both start to eat the meal in front of us. I notice Shannon doesn’t eat her fillet only the potato and vegetables; she must be a vegetarian. Shit.

  I watch her poke at the piece of steak for a while before I ask her. “Are you vegetarian?” I am smiling at her utter disgust for the chunk of animal on her plate. “Yes. I should have said something earlier. Sorry.” She pushes the meat to the very edge of her plate. “Don’t apologise for who you are Shannon, not to me, not to anyone.” I swap her plate for the tray of dessert that was left waiting on the trolley beside us and cover the offending steak so it can’t bother her.

  We both enjoy the dessert more than the dinner and I can see that she is feeling lighter after our meal than she was before. “How many do you plan to kill?” Her question catches me off guard and I have to take a breath to answer her. “All of them except Harmon, he is still too young to be broken completely,” I answer her truthfully. “And Amya, she is far away from all this and has turned her back on the family and my father already. She chose my side a long time ago.” Her eyes are searching mine to see if I am being honest. “How many do I get to kill? I am presuming that murder will be part of my wifely routine.” Her spark makes me smile, she has no idea how much the idea, of her killing my famil
y, turns me on. “It will be yes, but you won’t be killing them all. The key to the plan is that it seems to be an outside threat. Sahib has most of it already planned, but I have added a few names to my list just for you.” A wicked grin comes over her face and she is contemplating what I have said. Contemplating being with me despite what that means for her. I watch her seductively lick the chocolate dessert off her spoon. Her eyes meeting mine taunting me with her beauty and making me desire her, need her and fucking want her. She is deliberately seducing me, trying to bend me to her wants and needs. She is good at this. She wipes her lips with a finger and licks the sweet desert off of it.

  “You think that will stop me from wanting to kill you? You are taking a big risk on me Callum my love life score reads ‘Me -18, Men -0’.” Her relatively small number of eighteen has me remembering Rowan again and his beautiful bloody heart of figures. She is still innocent compared to his brand of murder, yet hers strikes me as the worst of the two. “You cannot fix a killer Shannon, but you can change the way they kill. I have done it before. I want you enough to take the risk, I told you that you won’t kill me and I meant it.” She lets out a slightly defeated sigh, all I can see are her lips. She is fucking killing me slowly right now.