“Callum is it because I look like Cassie? I need to know if I am just her ghost to you.” What? She might as well have kicked me in the nut sack. Is it? I don’t even know the answer to that. It is and yet it is her that haunts my mind when it’s idle not her sister. She pulls her slightly messy hair over one shoulder, exposing her neck. All I see is her and that soft skin where my fingerprints become darker as the minutes tick past, not Cassie, just her.
“Shannon we both know I killed your sister, we can stop dancing around the truth. I am drawn to the darkness in you, it matches mine, your sister had no dark – she was only light and had a deep love only for Rowan. She was never mine to love, you, however, are all mine whether you want to be or not. I don’t think I can feel love anymore but I can feel want and I wanted you the second I saw you. You were yelling at your father’s grave. Cassie fucking broke my heart. No, she stole it and took it to her grave. It is not her I see, it is all you.” Honestly, I have skirted the issue of Cassie’s death since the day it happened it feels good to own it. I let Rowan own the guilt for all these years. It made it easy for me to manipulate him. Shannon is all I see she is consuming my ability to think clearly, she has my dick at attention all day and I want her all of her. Something about playing with death makes me come alive. I felt nothing good for so long that this feeling has me craving it worse than any drug, worse than sugar.
“I am afraid to feel Callum, Feelings are madness if I feel then I have to be sorry for what I do and I don’t want to experience anything worse in my life than I already have.” She takes a breath causing her chest to rise and fall, my eyes go there, I am a man I cannot help it, her breasts are perfect.
“I feel something for you, not the usual grey that makes me murder, something new and scary and I am afraid more deadly than my usual urge to kill. I am scared of what we became together Callum; I am afraid to lose myself to you. I know we will destroy each other, it may be fast, it may be slow, but we will and I think you know that it is true.” She places her spoon on the plate the clink of the metal against the glass the only sound breaking the silence between us.
“I know you killed Cassie, I heard everything that night, including you crying. I know you will not love like that again and in all honesty I am never going to love you Callum, I am a sociopath I cannot feel love like others do. So I will follow your plan, and I will give you what I can, but I do not want to lose all of me, please. I am a killer. Please don’t take that from me; it is the only thing that keeps me alive in this fucked up place.” I am listening but not hearing her because my brain is focused on the beauty that sits opposite me. The way her hair shines and her breasts tease me from beneath her sheer top. To the long, lean legs, I know are below the table cloth. She has made me lose my focus. I need to stay focused.
She is right. We will kill each other in the end, but I want her so badly that I don’t care if she does murder me. She pushes her chair away from the table and walks to the windows before she keeps talking, I don’t want to interrupt her I want to know her, all of her. “Callum, there is so much you don’t know, you were gone from here for a very long time. I have been doing this since before that, I need it to survive, to breathe. You have no idea the secrets your brother keeps for me, more than just my murders. He owns my soul Callum I sold it to him when I was a stupid little girl and I cannot get it back.” What did my brother do to her?
Her hand pressed against the glass of the window and I am instantly angered by her tether to Neil the fact he knows her secrets and it seems there are many. “He won’t be here forever Shannon, he is going to die. As for your secrets they can die with him or you can tell me. If you tell me he can’t use them against you, I want to know every part of you.” It is the truth I wish to know what made her this way. I want to know how her murderous ways were conceived.
I stand close behind her now and her small body tries to pull away from mine and she presses closer to the window. “If I tell you my secrets, will you tell me why you hurt me, Callum will you tell me yours? I need to understand why, I know you won’t stop, neither will I, but I need to understand it. Because I don’t Callum I don’t get you - at all. What you do when we have sex is not even close to normal. In fact, is surpasses fucked up and lands in the completely crazy camp.” She isn’t wrong, I cannot control what I do, not here. And certainly not with her.
I run my hands up her arms and over her shoulders, she tenses under my touch as I contemplate her question, the answer is no. I will not tell her my secrets. “Shannon sometimes it is better not to understand, sometimes we need to just accept it as we see it and nothing more. I am a monster, just like you. My secrets cannot help you. Yours can, however, help me.” It is simple I will not tell her how I came to be this monster. I know it isn’t fair to expect her to tell me her story without telling mine in return, but I don’t care. I own her now and she knows it. She agreed. I move her hair away so I can see her neck and as I want to kiss it she turns and pushes me away. “No Callum, we are dating and when I date I don’t have sex on the first date, I need a little time. We are not having sex tonight. Please.” She begs me with her eyes to stop.
I admire her for having the self- control to deny herself what we both feel at the moment. It’s a pity that I don’t have the same control and that I won’t accept no as an answer from her. Not for anything. “Then tell me your secrets Shannon, help me forget what you are doing to me.” I pull her against me so she can feel how hard I am. I grab her hand and place it over my erection that is straining against my pants.
“So I get to choose sex or secrets, I don’t get to walk away do I?” She is angry again. I hear the burn of every word as she tries to get out of the grip I have on her. “No, you don’t if you walk away it will be the first step towards your coffin Shannon. You never get to walk away from me. Not ever.”
I am playing a dangerous game with her, but I am having fun. I haven’t had fun in very long time.
“Callum I am not having sex with you tonight. You will hurt me - I can see it in your eyes and unless I am going to kill you or some other poor fucker we are not having sex. So I will tell you my secrets.” She stays rigid in my arms where I have her trapped. She is fighting her body and its reaction to me her breaths are uneven and short and no matter what she says she is affected by me. I don’t move I like the discomfort I am causing, torture isn’t always physical and this is the mental kind of game that I am an expert at. “Will you let me go so we can talk?” She asks me, her green eyes trying to convey her anger and discomfort, they do, but I am ignoring it. I see the guileful killer slither through her thoughts as she tries to move me with a softer touch, a seductive touch. Oh, princess I am not so easily fooled by a seductress. I loosen my grip a little just enough so she can slip past me, but her body is still in full contact with mine. She is right I will hurt her tonight my monster is ready to play, but I will have to settle for a mental game right now.
She sits down on the wing back chair that faces the windows, kicks off her shoes and tucks her toned legs underneath her. She lifts a throw pillow and puts it on her lap covering her body from my hungry eyes. I lounge on the sofa opposite her and watch her nervously tap her red fingernails together. “Start talking Shannon, or we can go fuck?” I goad her just a little more earning me another death glare.
I like this game.
SECRETS OR SEX? His devil eyes tell me that sex isn’t going to be soft and sensual like the last time, I will hurt and tonight I don’t want to hurt. There is no promise of murder in the morning to make it better and I cannot kill him. So I choose secrets. I don’t want to tell my secrets, Neil already knows them and that’s one person too many as it is. The way his mouth curls around the words in an evil smile when he says to me “Start talking Shannon, or we can go fuck?” His eyebrow lifts in a question to me, giving me one last chance to choose differently. I won’t let him win so easily.
I suspect that underneath it all Callum is just like me. A sociopath –genetic or environmen
tal we don’t have a conscience and we don’t truly feel anything. Nothing makes us feel good so we seek the next thrill to find the high, any emotion we can get leaving a wake of darkness and broken people in our wake. We do feel one thing – anger. I know I am a sociopath I have no real feelings good or bad I simply do what I must to survive. I have been surviving a long time.
“Neil has been covering up my mistakes since I was just a girl Callum. Back then he made me pay with sexual favours since the boring bitch your dad chose for him didn’t want to be ‘ruined’. So he ruined me instead. I sucked his cock when she wouldn’t and I let him use my body so I could keep my mind intact. When I went away to med school, I paid in prescription drugs and medical favours covering up his fights so he would not get in trouble with your father. Then my fucking father died, and I became his slave not only did my secrets belong to him but my business to. He knows everything Callum, every single dead body.” I tell him facts he already knows. The sex bit is new, and I admit it has his hackles up a little. I can see instantly he is not happy that I have been with Neil. I see the face of my nemesis and remember things I would die to forget.
“Shannon, you can suck my cock for cleaning this up or I can call over the peelers to come take you and your new ex-boyfriend away?” My eyes water, I hate this part. I hate that I need him to fix up my mess. I sink to my knees and close my eyes. “God, your mouth is so good Shannon, my wife doesn’t do blow jobs, I miss your mouth when you are not killing people.” I gag not from his cock in the back of my throat but at the thought of him missing me. I don’t want him to miss me, I would far rather he died choking on his own vomit. He slaps my cheek hard as I stop sucking for a second. I should bite it off, he sees the thought in my eyes and shakes his head as he thrusts deeper pulling my hair hard as he moves my head to get himself off.
My memories remind me why I am no longer loyal to Neil. I loathe him. Yet I wish he had loved me so long ago.
“Those are not secrets Shannon. I already know all that. Let’s go fuck or tell me something worth listening to.” He snaps annoyed now. I sigh and cover my face with my hands, I don’t want to make him angry.
“We can start with, I killed my father, I murdered my dad because it was my ticket to freedom, Neil knows and he turned it into a life sentence serving your family. My father watched your dad rape me, he laughed as five men brutalised me because he fucked up. Then after that I was ruined he raped and beat me until I killed him. I killed every man who has hurt me except your fucking brother because I cannot clean up after I mess.” I had my ticket to freedom and he made it a ticket to hell. Another reason I am helping Callum, another reason I loathe his brother so.
I don’t look up I keep my face covered, looking at Callum makes my mind soft and body want things it shouldn’t. He affects me and he shouldn’t. The shame of the years that moulded me into the poisonous demon I have become makes me avoid his gaze.
“I don’t feel even a little bit sorry about it, I don’t feel anything, ever Callum. I am a sociopath I have no real emotions, even when I do feel something it’s never a real thing just an illusion, I don’t think I can give you what you want because I don’t have fucking feelings other than anger and rage.”I just sit still, I won’t make excuses for who I am. It is the truth; I do not recall ever having feelings that could be called real. He needs to know that this is me, I am not going to go all goo-goo eyed and soft. I am not a unicorns and roses kind of lady. I am a Strychnine and Arsenic cocktail. Death shaken, stirred or any way you want it.
I stay silent and wait, only when I do look up does he talk again. His green eyes are dark and there is a slight frown on his face. He is too handsome to be so evil.
“I am not asking you for feelings Shannon, I am proposing a mutually beneficial partnership. I feel about as much as you do, it’s pretty obvious we are very much alike. But we have a connection, something that makes it impossible to stay away from each other. I can’t ignore it.” Secretly I wish he could feel, I may not feel back but I think it may be nice to have someone actually care for me, but I know that someone isn’t Callum. He gets up and walks a few steps away from me to try sort out whatever these random fucking thoughts we are having are.
“The plan, that’s what is important to me. You can help with the plan I can get what I need from you. I am attracted to your beauty, to your darkness and I am even attracted to your cold heart, I am not going to deny I want you, all of you for myself. Will I hurt you? Yes, that’s what I do I hurt people, I enjoy it. Will you hurt me? I don’t doubt it for second that you will not only hurt me, but kill me. Eventually. I think that we can become an unstoppable force together Shannon, something so dark and so wrong. I love the way I feel alive when I see murder in your eyes. I think we can at least try not to kill each other and see if these feelings can be more than an illusion just this once. I know you want to try.”
I finally cave to the physical pull between us when he walks behind me and put his hands on my shoulders, I don’t think I will tell him anything worth actually knowing. I lean back into the chair and let his hands slip under my shirt. A soft moan escapes from me before his madness takes over the last slither of control that I had. He hurts me, and I let him. Callum is sick, what happens to him when sex is part of the picture can only be described as sick.
MY BODY BETRAYS MY BRAIN every single time Callum gets close to me. This is going to be the most catastrophic relationship imaginable. I know he is going to hurt me, I can see it in his eyes and the way he moves tonight I am prey and he the predator. My natural instinct is to want to kill him, but it's missing. He seems to have a way to keep the grey out. I hate him for that. I need the haze. How will I survive this world without it?
His touch starts out soft as he slides his hands under my shirt and I think for just a moment it might be as good as it was at my home. I think wrong! The monster comes out to play and instead of fighting and wrestling the grey that creeps into my mind, I just switch off. I submit to his torture, rape and pain and hope to find the other Callum when I wake up after the nightmare. Is it rape if my body wants it but my mind protests? He is pushed further into his depravity by my stillness, he wanted me to fight him. I am not a pain whore, I hate pain, but it seems my body, my desire and my sick soul loves it. I don’t understand that I can physically get off from what he is doing. Every orgasm he forces from my body makes me crazy because I don’t want them, not like this. That belt, that fucking expensive leather belt, I wish I could wrap it around his neck and throttle him. I mentally count the times it lashes down on my naked backside as the tears stream over my face and choke on the sobs. What the fuck is wrong with him? What is wrong with me this should not make me wet, I shouldn’t want him to fuck me, but I do. “Stop Callum, fucking stop I can’t anymore!” I scream until I am hoarse, no safe word, no off just this absolute terror that he won’t stop. “Shut up Shannon, I own you and that means all of you just take it. I cannot stop.” He growls in my ear when my begging irritates him. His brutal thrusts as he fucks me, over and over again bruise my pussy. Every inch of my body is on fire with pain. I am not sure how long it goes on, I shut down and drift away as he uses my body to satisfy his demons. I don’t know if I fall asleep or pass out from it all, but it finally ends. It’s not over Shannon, he is still alive and something is keeping you from killing him. I will never be over as long the two of you are anywhere near each other.
I wake up tied to the bed post - again. We are going to have to discuss this sleeping arrangement; it really isn’t going to work for me. My body is aching and the damage, he inflicted on me, is visible all over. I feel stiff and sore. Callum is cuddling me which is just wrong after last night. I want him to wake up and move and fucking untie me. My mind is mush this morning and the clarity, I had hoped for, hasn’t come. What has come is the realisation of just how dangerous this man is. He manipulated me, got me in his bed without even trying! I need to find out how to stop his monster, he seems to know how to control mine. I don’t feel
grey, I don’t want to kill him. But I do hate him.
It feels like an eternity wrestling my own thoughts before he wakes up. His body is all hot against me and I am uncomfortable I have no feeling in my arms or hands and it is going to hurt when he does undo the knots binding me to the bed.
Why am doing this?
To stay alive Shannon, to live another shitty day in this world. And because maybe that feeling you are trying to ignore is pulling you to him for a reason.
THE NEXT MONTH PASSES exactly as Callum had said it would, we appear to date in public he visits my surgery and my home. He sends flowers and buys me expensive gifts I don’t want or need. He is the perfect boyfriend on the outside, but underneath that perfect image, is a demon I cannot control. Even though, he has been better, the monster has made its presence known twice in the last month. I have learned that he is less likely to switch over if I don’t challenge him directly. He likes the illusion of being in control of everything, the trick is to let him believe he is. He also cannot bare to see me after it all, his mind softens with guilt and remorse if he sees the damage he has done.
We are going to see the progress on the ‘ghost house’ as we call it today, it should be completed by the end of the week. I am excited about the house, but something about the place makes Callum restless and uneasy the monster is closer to the surface when we are at the house. He seems far away in his own mind when we walk through the empty mansion, the ghosts in this house haunt his memories and I have no doubt that something awful happened here.
Monochrome My Madness Page 14