by Cass Lennox
Finally, Katie sat back. “That’s it for today. We’re going to watch you practise some more, then we’ll be on-site tomorrow. We’ll just be in the background, filming you and your interactions with the other couples. I might ask a few questions, but we’ll play it by ear.”
She and Brock retreated to the side of the room, and Tyler was left sitting next to Evie, hands clasped together and more than a little nervous.
“Bollocks,” she said suddenly.
He jumped. “What?”
“I should have said that I enjoyed getting to know you.” She’d gone fully red and wasn’t meeting his eye.
He squeezed her hand. “Me too, Evie.”
She leaned against him. “I don’t want this to stop,” she whispered.
Oh God. Tyler stood with a heavy heart. “Let’s get back to it, Godzilla.”
She stood reluctantly and moved to the centre of the room. Tyler watched her go, imprinting her figure into his brain. He didn’t want to ever forget the image of her taking her space in the practice room, reflections of her poised and centred in the mirrors.
He sighed and pressed Play.
The end of the session came too quickly. Katie and Brock left soon after the interviews, so Tyler and Evie were alone for almost two hours. Two hours that were spent moving together and apart like clockwork. The steps were down, they could do it to the music, and Tyler couldn’t be happier with how it had come together.
Then why did he feel so fucking heavy? And why, when he noticed the clock inching closer to the hour, did he slow down? It was like he couldn’t separate his professional side from his personal one, not for this. He watched himself come to a stop during a run-through, causing Evie to pause in the middle of the quick footwork and frown at him.
“Okay, seriously, what’s wrong?” she asked.
I can’t do this.
“It’s hard to think about this ending.” Air wasn’t reaching his lungs. He forced a deep breath.
She gave him a small smile. “I know, it sucks. I’ll miss dancing with you. But it’s not for forever. I’ll be back in the autumn.”
Seriously, how had he missed that? “I know.”
Her eyes lit up. “I took Jean’s membership offer. I thought it would be good to continue dancing when I get back.”
Tyler froze. Shit. Right. Jean had made her that offer. He’d forgotten. And she’d be hanging around here.
This is my space. And you weren’t supposed to be here in a year’s time.
Evie frowned at him and reached for his hand. “Ty?”
“You know, I didn’t fully catch that part at first,” he confessed. “That you were coming back this fall.”
Evie scoffed. “Really?” She shook her head. “You didn’t miss too much. Only that I’m, you know, moving here and doing a master’s and starting my life afresh. Nothing major.” She bumped his shoulder playfully. “So I’ll be bumming around, pretending to study. Lots of free time to dance here. I’ll be able to see you. We could maybe, if you’re interested, keep doing this. Sound all right?”
No. Yes? But what if what if what if . . . No. He couldn’t. Words fluttered in his head, trapped and useless. Evie’s teasing smile faded the longer he didn’t respond.
“Oh,” she said softly. “Not all right.” She took his hands in hers. “Tyler, what’s wrong?”
“Casual,” came out. He cleared his throat. “We were supposed to keep this casual.”
Evie frowned. “I know we agreed on that, but after the last few days and this morning, I thought . . . Didn’t things change?”
His gut clenched. I should never have checked on her in the bathroom. “Yes. No. Shit.” He dropped her hands and crossed his arms. “This is too much. This wasn’t what I was expecting.”
Evie stared at him, hurt and surprise crossing her face. “You weren’t saying that this morning.”
“This morning I thought you were leaving for good next week.”
“Oh. Oh. So this—” she gestured between them, heat building in her voice “—was only okay because it was short-term? ‘Whatever, she’s only around for a week, what’s the harm’?” She was angry now. “This isn’t a shitty holiday rom-com, Tyler. I know we said casual, but my feelings for you are definitely not casual.” Her eyes bored into his. “And I think you feel the same way.”
Of course he did. That wasn’t the problem. “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does matter!” Those hands fluttered in the suddenly wide space between them. “Why would you say something like that? Tyler, where is this coming from? What happened between breakfast and now?” Her hands stopped in midair. “Have you felt like this all this time? Through Katie’s questions today? What the hell?”
So much anger. And too many questions. Too hard to even attempt to answer them. And she’d still be mad, so what was the point?
He shrugged.
Evie made a choking noise. “I don’t understand. This thing that’s happened with us, it does matter. This is important.”
Tyler couldn’t feel his body. “And what about when this thing fades? When it ends?”
Evie looked confused now. “When it ends? What does . . . Are you saying you don’t think we can do a relationship?”
“Basically, I’m saying it’s better if we don’t. It’s too much and I can’t. I just can’t do it again. Not now, and not with you.”
The moment the words slipped out, he wished he could take them back. The horrible look he remembered from the bathroom froze her face—the same hollow, kicked expression. “But . . . this morning . . .” She trailed off, sucking in a sharp breath.
“That came out wrong.”
Who knew blue eyes could blaze as fierce as the sun? “I think that came out exactly the way it was meant to,” she snapped. “‘Not with me.’ Let me guess, the sex thing? I don’t give a shit about putting out, so that’s not doable long-term? I got it, Tyler. Loud and clear.” She turned away and picked up her bag.
Words escaped him. His stomach felt like it was about to drop out of his body. He opened his mouth to say something, anything, to stop her, to explain, but nothing came out. Evie paused and looked at him, her posture slumped. “I’ll see you tomorrow for the performance. Don’t worry, I’ll show up and do it, but don’t expect me to be happy to see you.”
And she left.
Tyler stood in the middle of the room, his head spinning. He’d done it. He’d saved himself from the possibility of Lucette version 2.0. He was free to pursue his career on his terms, free to help Shana, free to do whatever he wanted.
Why wasn’t he relieved, then? Why did he feel like crying?
His phone buzzed, and he almost threw it across the room.
Evie sat on her sofa bed, wrapped up in a blanket. Bailey pressed a glass of wine into her hand, and she took a grateful gulp. Sarah sat on the rug, sorting through DVDs.
She’d never considered herself a particularly violent person, but the moment Tyler had said he couldn’t keep this going, she’d wanted to throttle him. After the sweetness of the past week, it was like receiving a bucket of ice water in the face. The worst part was that she didn’t get it. He’d done a complete one eighty in a few hours. That morning he’d been kind and close and almost lov— Stop right there, madam.
But he had been wonderful. Evie cringed to remember how she’d cried and the things she’d said, and how he’d taken all that upset and made it okay. What had happened since then? Where had that considerate, sweet person gone?
“Men are faithless,” she said morosely.
“Damn right,” Sarah replied, holding up two DVDs: Mulan and The Room. “Well?”
“Mulan? Really?”
“I take my Disney feminist representation where I can.”
“Let’s watch The Room.” Evie eyed her glass. “I’ll drink every time a man says something stupid.”
Sarah waggled her finger at her. “Nooo you don’t. You still have a dance to perform tomorrow. You’re allowed another glass, on a
ccount of Tyler being a jerk, but no more.” She turned and inserted the DVD.
Evie eyed the wine. “Was it bad of me to expect more from him?” she asked quietly.
“Judging from what you’ve told me?” Sarah settled next to her. “No. Things changed.”
“But I’m not good at judging these things.”
“Who told you that?” Sarah narrowed her eyes. “Is that coming from your mom?”
Evie pursed her mouth. “No, life. I’ve misinterpreted feelings and intentions in other relationships and friendships before. I get things wrong. I can’t help thinking I read too much into what we said this morning.”
Sarah took her hand. “Oh, honey, you really liked him, didn’t you?”
Evie nodded.
“And you two seriously clicked. We all saw that. So you acted on your feelings. And he . . . God, he ran away from his. Like he always does.” She turned to Bailey, who sat on the other sofa. “You remember how he totally shut down for like a month after breaking up with Lucette, but kept saying he was fine?”
“Yup.”
“He was never good with feelings. Idiot.” Sarah turned back to her. “He freaked out. That’s what happened here. He freaked out and said shit he’ll regret, and tomorrow you’re going to dance with him and make him realize just how crappy he’s been, and he’s going to regret it some more. And probably freak out more. Jesus. I love the guy, seriously, but if this is how he’s going to be, you’re better off just backing away.” Sarah seemed sad to say that about her friend, but Evie appreciated her honesty.
Gigi had said as much too. She’d run into him on her way out after practice. One look at her face and he’d marched her into the canteen, bought her a drink, and forced her to tell him what was wrong. Gigi, as it turned out, could be a very good listener when he wanted to be.
He’d also said it wasn’t personal. Evie wasn’t inclined to believe that, given Tyler had said he couldn’t do anything more with her specifically. Big surprise. She took a large gulp of wine. People who knew about her asexuality (those she hadn’t dated) had said explicitly she couldn’t expect anything romantic if she didn’t have sex out the gate. An ex had once told her she was wonderful, but her limits around sex weren’t viable for anything long-term. That had hurt. Not least because it was wrong. Tyler hadn’t even given her a chance. He’d just said his piece and shut down.
Remembering the argument sucked. How quiet he’d been, how solid and mute. Completely unmoving. Like he’d just shut down. I can’t do this. It doesn’t matter. Weird, defeated words.
Which was kind of at odds with the other time he’d had problems talking to her. When he’d told her over lunch about his ex and the way she’d messed with him, he’d had problems shaping sentences and being clear about what he needed to say. So, Evie could understand that part. But at lunch he hadn’t let that stop him. He’d powered through. There’d been hope in his face.
So what had happened today? Why had he shut down like that? Granted, she probably could have helped by letting him take his time to speak, but God, she’d been so upset. And he’d just stood there.
If this was some leftover psychological mess from Lucette, Evie was going to buy a ticket to Vancouver and snap all her bones into tiny little fragments, then return to Toronto and shake sense into Tyler until he got over whatever the problem was. Because she wanted to be with him, not him and the aftermath of his ex-girlfriend.
Though that didn’t look likely right now. If at all.
And fuck if that didn’t hurt almost as much as having all of her bones snapped into pieces.
On the screen, stock footage of San Francisco rolled to brooding, tinny intro music. In her pocket, her phone buzzed. Evie pulled it out and saw another email from her mother. Oh, wonderful. Just what she needed.
“Tyler?” Bailey asked.
“My mum.”
“What, two shitty messages in a day weren’t enough?” Sarah muttered.
Evie ignored her. There was a photo of Richard, Helena, and Doug at the table with scones and cakes around them. Shep was visible in the background. Her stomach clenched at the sight of him.
This is everyone at tea! I redid the kumquat tart for Helena, and she loved it. Richard says his work is hiring, perhaps you could join it instead of doing that course? Think about it. I also tried out a new cake recipe: ginger and saffron cake, and it went down a treat. I want to win next month’s WI competition. I know you’re not much of a baker, but do send any recipes you come across, will you? Your father says—
Evie abruptly closed her eyes. The intro music of the movie faded into the first scene and people started talking. She didn’t want to keep reading this email. She was meant to be drowning her sorrows in wine.
And damn it, she was going to do that. Drown in this glass and the next one, then she’d sniffle herself to sleep, and she’d wake up in the morning and do the stupid performance. She’d be polite to Tyler, but only because there was nothing else she could be right now. Then she was going to enjoy her last days in Toronto with her friends. Reading daily messages about her mother’s baking adventures wasn’t conducive to any of that.
She opened her eyes and began typing.
Mum, I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to studying here in Toronto. The people are welcoming and the city is exciting and I’ve already seen the university. The course director gave me a tour. I CANNOT wait to be here. Also: I’ve been having dance lessons. Not ballroom, modern dance. That YouTube video you showed me? That was me. I’m doing a performance tomorrow and once I’m back, I’ll send you a video of it. It’ll be at Pride, so be prepared for rainbows. Hug Shep for me, as I won’t get a chance to say good-bye in person due to your appointment scheduling. Please check your email for the multiple copies of my flight itinerary I sent you before I left. I don’t have time to hunt recipes for you. My phone will be off until I’m home. I’ll see you when I get back.
She pressed Send and put her phone down. Sarah cast her an inquisitive look. Evie only smiled and picked up her wineglass. She settled back to watch the worst movie she’d ever seen, tossing everything else out of her mind.
Tyler sat in his living room and eyed his phone. Gigi had sent demanding texts while Sarah had left a voice message asking if he was okay and if he needed to talk. Ignoring them all, he’d staggered home, showered, and eaten. Now he stared at the luminescent square of his laptop screen, totally ignoring whatever show he’d put on, and debated with himself.
As the day had edged into evening, he’d felt more and more conflicted about what he’d done. Now that his panic had faded, Tyler could step back and say that maybe he’d acted somewhat hastily. He could have handled confronting Evie better. The hurt on her face haunted him, as did the way he’d stood there without explaining himself properly. Especially about her last remark on sex; he hadn’t considered that at all. Hadn’t considered that maybe she had damage of her own to deal with.
The worst part was that the expected sense of relief had never arrived. Sorrow and guilt and anger swam around, but no relief and none of the release he’d felt when he walked away from Lucette. So what the hell was all that for, Ty?
Facing the music seemed easier than facing that question. He paused the video and picked up his phone.
Gigi: Sooo, Evie’s upset and I bet you’re upset too. Meet me in the canteen.
Gigi: Dude, seriously, where are you??!?
Gigi: Fine, you’re busy, w/e. I’m not seeing Brock tonight. CALL ME.
Gigi: Hey, Ty. How are you? Before you ask, I’m just sitting here, at home, all alone, thinking of the cock I’ve sacrificed for you and wondering why. CALL ME.
Gigi: CALL
Gigi: ME
Gigi: Fine. Don’t call me. Just don’t back off like after the Bitch-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named. Evie is nothing like Überbitch and if she was, you’d have noticed because I’d have told you. You’ve been happy and I like seeing that. Get with the girl.
Gigi: And I’M the one
telling you that. Jfc, take the fucking hint already. Suck it up (>:D) and apologize because you deserve someone nice. You’re being fucking stupid.
Gigi: Btw I’m meeting Mark for pre-performance coffee tomorrow, so you’re on your own for the coffee run, which frankly is the least you deserve after upsetting Evie like that.
A lump rose in Tyler’s throat. Gigi was wasted on him. More remarkably, Gigi was right.
His fingers hovered over the phone. Instead of selecting Gigi’s name, he scrolled down to Shana’s number and pressed that. As it was officially past 11 p.m., he braced himself and held his phone to his ear.
“’Llo?” She sounded tired. “Everything okay, bro?”
She wasn’t mad at being woken up. Good start. “Sorry if I woke you. I have to ask you something.” He took a deep breath. “You know the girl? Evie.”
Silence.
“Evie? You know? My temporary dance partner. That girl.”
“Oh my God. Oh my God.”
He was almost scared to ask. “What?”
“My little brother is calling me up again for girl advice. Jesus. I’m glad I’m already lying down.”
“Shana . . .”
Rustling noises indicated she was getting comfy. “Okay, kid. Come at me. Big sister, ready.”
Uuuggghhh. Why were older sisters allowed to exist? “Listen. Would you say my judgment in women sucks?”
“How would I know? You’ve never told me about the girls you’ve dated before.”
Not until he was with Lucette. Then she’d certainly heard about her. Surely Luce was evidence enough his judgment was terrible. He closed his eyes. “I’m asking because I broke it off with Evie, and I’m not so sure it was the right thing to do anymore.”
Shana gave a soft sigh. “Why was it the right thing to do in the first place?”
Tyler’s head sagged against the sofa cushion. “I found out she’s coming back in the fall. She’s moving here to do a master’s. She mentioned maybe continuing things, and I . . . I mean, what if she’s another Luce?”
“Is she another Luce?”