“What is it?” Mom’s face looks paler than usual.
Dad’s jaw is tense. “Please tell us.”
“It started during finals week,” I say. “No, actually, just before finals week. I’d heard that some students were cheating on exams. In fact, it sounded like a lot of them were. And I could tell that the grading curve was being affected because I got some bad grades, but the grades didn’t really seem to match up with the scores — except for the curve. I figured it was because of kids cheating.” I hold up my hands now. “Not that I’m using that as an excuse.”
“An excuse for what?” Dad asks in a firm voice.
“For cheating.”
Mom blinks and sets her coffee mug down with a loud clink. “You cheated?”
I nod. “I’m sorry, but I did.”
“Why on earth would you — ”
“Quiet,” Mom tells him. “Let her finish.”
So I explain about catching Kelsey. “And I planned to tell on her. I thought she deserved it. But she told me this sob story, that her stepdad was going to beat her or she’d kill herself if she got kicked out of cheerleading. And I believed her. So I didn’t tell. But then I got this crazy idea. I still had her cheating answers, and I thought it was only fair to retake the test and use them.”
Mom’s brows arch. “So you did?”
I nod. “I felt horrible when I was done.”
“Good,” Dad says, like that finishes it. “You should feel horrible. You know better than that, GraceAnn. We’ve taught you that it’s — ”
“But it didn’t stop there.”
“You cheated again?” He tips his head to one side, like he really doesn’t want to hear this, doesn’t want to know what his “perfect little princess” is capable of.
“I’m sorry, but it gets worse.” I take in a steadying breath, then confess that I bought test answers for trig and AP Biology.
“You paid money for answers just so you could cheat?” Dad asks.
“To get good grades.”
“How much did it cost?” Mom’s voice quavers with shock.
I quietly tell her. “But the guy said he was giving me a deal. Half price because it was my first time.”
“I can’t believe this!” Dad looks to the ceiling and shakes his head. “I just cannot believe it.”
“I felt terrible the whole time.” I explain how I blamed Clayton for it, how I’d been pining away over him and how my grades dropped. “It was like I’d fallen into this black hole and couldn’t get out. I know it wasn’t just Clayton. It was me. I wanted to keep up my image. So I kept going down into this black hole.” I sigh. “And it got deeper and darker after I cheated.”
“So you learned your lesson?” Mom asks tentatively.
I nod eagerly. “Absolutely. And I’ll admit it took me a while to figure out what I was going to do about it. But last night it was all clear.”
“How so?” Dad’s brow is creased, and I can tell he’s taking this a lot harder than he’s showing. And a lot harder than Mom.
“First of all, by confessing to God. I straightened it all out with him. And for the first time since it happened, I feel like I’m going to be okay.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” Mom picks up her coffee with an unsure expression. “I mean, that’s something. I’m still shocked that you’d resort to something like that, GraceAnn. I’ve known something was off with you for a while. I suppose that’s what it was the whole time.”
“So you confessed it to God,” Dad says in a stiff voice. “And now you’ve told us. What’s next?”
“I have to tell the school what I did.”
Dad’s eyes open wide and Mom presses her lips together. I can tell they’re not so sure about this plan. But they don’t say anything.
“I know I’m going to get into big trouble. And I will probably get suspended. And my grades will drop. And I suspect I won’t get to go to Stanford after all, or even USC.”
Mom’s face looks painful with disappointment. “Oh, GraceAnn!”
“It won’t be easy, but I know it’s what I have to do. And I’m prepared to do it.”
“Now, wait a minute.” Dad stands and starts pacing back and forth in front of the fireplace. Rubbing his hand over his chin, he looks very intense. He reminds me of a wild animal that’s caged but wants to kill something. He turns and looks at me. “Do you really want to do that?”
“Dan!” Mom’s eyes flash at him.
“I’m just asking the question.”
“What are you insinuating?” Mom demands.
He gives her a seriously worried look. “I’m just saying that maybe she’s taking it too far. After all, GraceAnn confessed to God. She confessed to us. Does she really have to confess to the school?”
Mom looks stymied. “I — uh — I, well, I don’t know. But she needs to do the right thing.”
“What is the right thing?” he asks her.
“Telling the truth,” Mom says.
And now they are arguing about things like situational ethics and the bigger picture and the inequity of some students cheating and getting away with it while others suffer by getting low grades. And really, they are saying some of the exact same things that I had recently been telling myself.
I feel mesmerized as I watch and listen. I also feel guilty. My parents are fighting because of me. Then I remember something. “Wait!” I say as it starts getting heated. “There’s something else I forgot to mention.”
“What?” they both ask simultaneously.
I tell them about Dirk and how he is blackmailing me. “He actually expects me to steal OxyContin from the pharmacy and — ”
“What?” Dad leaps to his feet again. He is enraged now. “He what?”
“Because he gave me a deal on the answers, he expects me to pay him back with OxyContin.”
Dad shakes his fists in the air. “Who is this little sh — ?”
“Oh, Dan!” Mom cuts him off. “It won’t do any good to go flying off the handle like that.”
“I’ll kill him!” Dad seethes.
“Calm down,” Mom insists. “You’re just making this worse.”
“I told him I can’t do it.” And then, wanting to be completely honest, I tell them about the day when I almost did it. “I knew it was wrong.” I look away from their shocked faces. “But I was so desperate … I just wasn’t thinking straight.”
Dad sinks back into the chair, putting his head in his hands. “I cannot believe this. Just when you think you know someone. My own daughter. I work so hard … and this is the thanks I get. I can’t believe it.”
I look at Mom, and she just shakes her head sadly.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur. Now fresh tears fill my eyes. I had really expected to do this without tears. But seeing my parents in pain like this — all because of me — cuts to the core. “I’m really, really sorry,” I say in a husky voice. “I would do anything to turn back the clock. I wish I’d never done this. It’s like Pastor Arnold says: Once you start going down the slippery slope, it’s hard to get back up.”
“I’ll say,” Dad mutters.
Mom comes over and puts her arms around me. “I can’t say I’m not terribly disappointed. But we’ll make it through this. Somehow we’ll pull through.”
“How?” Dad demands.
Mom gives him a blank look. “Well, certainly not by stealing pain pills and handing them over to the blackmailer. GraceAnn has no choice. She has to tell the truth.”
“And lose everything? Just throw it all away? Everything we’ve worked for? Just toss it aside?”
“What other choice do we have?” Mom asks.
“I don’t know.” He runs a hand through his hair. “But it seems like there should be a solution. What if we offered the little thug money? Could we pay him off?”
“Oh, Dan!” Mom looks exasperated. “You’d stoop to his level?”
“To save GraceAnn’s reputation? Her college career?” He shakes his fist again. “You bet I wo
uld.”
“I know you’re saying that because you love me,” I gently tell him. “But really, I’m okay with this.”
“You’re okay watching your future being flushed down the toilet?”
“Sort of.” I shrug. “Last night I decided that I’d rather put my pride to death and still have God than the other way around.”
“Huh?” Dad looks confused.
So I tell him about what Miss Julia told me a couple weeks ago. “I didn’t really get it then. But I do now. I can see that my pride was all wrapped up in those stupid decisions. It was my pride — not wanting anyone to see me failing a class — that made me resort to cheating. It was my pride that got me into this mess. And to get out of it, I have to surrender my pride to God. If that means my future gets flushed down the toilet, as you say, I’ll just have to live with it.”
Dad just looks at me, slowly shaking his head like he thinks I’m hopeless. “I’m sorry, that might sound good and noble to you, but I think it’s a bunch of poppycock.”
“I don’t,” Mom tells him. “In fact, I can respect that.”
“But what about her future?”
“My future is in God’s hands,” I tell him. “Where it should’ve been all along.”
“And if your future is slinging burgers and living in a single-wide?” Dad challenges me.
“As long as God’s with me, I’ll be fine.”
He just rolls his eyes.
“Go finish getting dressed,” Mom tells him. “You’re not making this any better.”
He mutters something as he heads back to their room.
“I’m sorry, Dad,” I call out. “I hope you’ll forgive me someday.”
But the only answer I get is the loud bang of the door closing.
“He’ll get over it,” Mom says as she goes to the kitchen and pours her untouched coffee down the sink. “Just give him some time.”
I pour my cold coffee out too. “I wish it didn’t have to be so painful for you guys. I mean, it’s only fair that I should suffer. But it kills me to see how it hurts you.”
She puts an arm around my shoulders. “Maybe our pride needs to be put to death too, GraceAnn. Did you ever think about that?”
“But shouldn’t that be between you and God? I mean, I shouldn’t be the one who forces you to deal with your pride, should I?”
She shrugs. “God works in mysterious ways.”
The ride home is even quieter than last week’s ride to Big Bear. Only this time it’s a lot more uncomfortable. It’s like everyone’s thoughts are floating around the interior of the car, like it’s so thick that it’s hard to breathe or think. Dad is really stewing. Like I did before I gave in to God. Dad is probably going through all the mental aerobics, playing out possible escape routes in his head, trying to find some magical way to cover this nasty mess up. But I know, in time, he’ll figure out that there’s only one way out. For now, I just let him stew.
. . . [CHAPTER 18]. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
I didn’t know it was possible to feel good and bad simultaneously, but that is exactly what I’m experiencing today. On one hand, because I came clean with God and am able to pray again, I feel relatively freed up and relieved. On the other hand, this heavy black cloud is still hanging over my head, and it’s overwhelming to think of how much is left to deal with.
We got home last night, and after picking up Rory, my dad, without saying a word to me, went straight to bed. And it was only eight. Mom said he was worn out from the trip, but I’m pretty sure he was worn out from me.
By the time I get up this morning, my parents have already gone to work. Since the sun is shining, I decide to take Rory for a walk. I can tell he’s really missed me, and it’s the least I can do to make up for his time at the kennel. Besides, walking might help me figure things out.
But this weird schizophrenic sensation continues as I let Rory off the leash in the dog park. I watch him take off running with abandon, enjoying this freedom, and I can totally relate to him. I feel incredibly euphoric … but a couple minutes pass and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with sadness and a sense of dread. This thing is so far from over.
For starters, I still have Dirk the Dirtbag to straighten out. I don’t even know exactly how I’ll do it, and I’m sure not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Although I do plan to go to work at the pharmacy. But I definitely have no plans to get him his stupid pills. But besides the Dirtbag, there’s the school to deal with. I know I have to make a full confession … and take the consequences. That sure won’t be easy. But nearly as unsettling as facing teachers and the dean will be confessing to my friends. Mary Beth and her mom won’t be home until Sunday night, and I’d really like to have this conversation with Mary Beth in person.
As Rory and I are walking back home, Bryant calls and asks how I’m doing — in such a tender way that it makes me want to cry. And then I remember that although he knows a part of the story, he hasn’t heard the whole thing yet. Perhaps he’s a good one to begin with. Hopefully he’ll understand. Or if he doesn’t, at least I will have that out of the way. As pathetic as it sounds, I’m totally prepared to end up friendless after this whole thing plays out.
“I, uh, I’d like to talk to you. I mean, if you have the time.”
“Sure,” he says with enthusiasm. “Want me to come over?”
So we agree to meet back at my house in about an hour. Time enough for me to take a shower and get my head together. Oh, I know he’s not going to freak out like Dad did, but I should expect the unexpected.
When Bryant shows up, I try to act calm and collected and I even thank him for his Christmas present, but inside I feel shaky. After we sit down in the sunroom, I initiate the conversation. “You remember what I told you about cheating,” I say slowly. “Well, there was a little more to the story than what I told you.” I go through the series of events and how I bought two sets of answers and how Dirk is now trying to blackmail me. “But I confessed the whole thing to my parents yesterday, and now I want to come clean with everyone.”
Bryant doesn’t look very surprised … or disappointed. But he doesn’t say anything, and that makes me continue talking.
“So I just thought you should know the whole story. And even though it will be humiliating, I do plan to tell the school too.”
“Because Dirk is blackmailing you?”
I shake my head. “No. Because it’s the right thing to do.” I decide to take this one step further, and I tell him about my breakthrough with God on New Year’s Eve. “And even though it’s really hard, I know God is going to help me through it.”
He nods slowly, like he’s absorbing this.
“Anyway, I’ll understand if you think less of me. I know I think a lot less of myself now.” I feel that familiar lump growing in my throat. But I really don’t want to cry.
“No, I don’t think less of you, GraceAnn. In fact, it’s almost the opposite. You seem more human now. And I’m impressed that you’re willing to risk everything by telling the truth. What about Stanford?”
I shrug. “I’m just taking this one step at a time. I have to trust God to work out the details. If I lose Stanford, I’ll figure out something else.”
“Wow …” He looks truly stunned. “That sure doesn’t sound like the old GraceAnn.”
So I tell him about Miss Julia and what she said about killing my pride a couple weeks ago. “I didn’t really get it then, but I get it now.” I let out a shaky smile. “And even though it’s hard, I feel a lot better about myself.” I force a laugh. “Although my dad’s not speaking to me. And he’s sure that I’ve thrown my life away.” I sigh. “I think God might be dealing with him about his pride too.”
“So what are you going to do about Dirk?”
I grimace. “I’m not sure. I’m not looking forward to it. I mean, I’ll definitely tell him to forget about getting the OxyContin. But I know what he’ll say to that — he’ll take me down.”
“How can he take you d
own if you’re already taking yourself down?”
“Good point. But I really wish I could make my confession before he does whatever it is he’s going to do to ruin me. Sort of like damage control, you know? But the soonest I can get in to talk to someone will be Monday morning. And I plan to do that first thing. But what if Dirk beats me to it? I mean, I can just imagine going in to see Mr. Peterson and he already knows. He’ll probably think the only reason I’m confessing is because I know it’s too late to do anything else.” I hold up my hands. “But maybe that’s just how it’s meant to be, and I should get over it.”
“Hey, isn’t there some kind of anonymous informers’ hotline?” he says. “I remember hearing about it a couple years ago — a way for students to report things like bullying or illegal drugs or cheating.”
“That’s right!”
“I’ll bet it’s listed on the school’s website.” Bryant already has his iPhone out and is searching for it. “Yeah, there’s a phone number and an e-mail address.” He points to it. “You could turn yourself in before Dirk has a chance.”
“That’s what I’m going to do.” I stand now. “I’ll write a confession letter and e-mail it.”
“Maybe you should make a hard copy to take to school with you too,” Bryant suggests. “Just in case.”
“Good idea.”
“Well, maybe I should let you get to it.” He stands now too.
“Hey, I almost forgot to ask how your grandpa’s doing.” I walk him to the door.
“He came home from the hospital a few days ago. He’s doing good.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
Bryant bends down to rub Rory’s ears, then looks up and grins. “Anytime you need to talk, GraceAnn, I’m here for you.”
I smile at him. “Thanks. I really appreciate it. I know this thing is far from over. It will help to have a friend.”
He stands and nods. “You got it.”
As soon as he’s out the door, I race to my room, open my laptop, and begin constructing my confession letter. I write and rewrite and go over it again and again. I want to be completely honest and own up to my responsibility and my bad choice. But I also want to make it clear why I felt so pressured to cheat. I want the administration to understand that other kids cheating hurts the students who are trying to do things right. I am also careful not to mention any names. This is my confession. Not Kelsey’s or even Dirk’s.
Trapped: Caught in a Lie (Secrets) Page 15