by Anna Samuels
‘Are you…scared to go down that route again?’ I wondered.
She nodded slowly. ‘Yes, I am. In all honesty, I think that’s what has held me back in many ways. The thing is, I want to try…it’s been long enough now to recover and I don’t want to give up on the chance for happiness.’
‘And would you go about it in the same way? Is your friend still willing to provide the sperm?’ I wondered.
‘Oh yeah…he told me without doubt that the offer is always there when I’m ready.’
‘Well that’s amazing! I wish I knew someone like that who would do that for me,’ I revealed. ‘I think I’ll have to go down the route of clinics and cost when it happens for me.’
‘I considered all that too, Sarah. I was just lucky that Mike offered…’
‘Would you have two given the chance?’ I asked her.
‘Oh yes…I mean, having a brother or sister would be ideal, wouldn’t it? Having an only child is not my plan but it would suffice if there wasn’t the option…I just want to be a Mum,’ she murmured.
‘It’s refreshing to hear, actually…’
‘It is?’ she asked.
‘Yes, it is. All of the women I’ve met recently have been more interested in the social scene than settling down. It’s been a constant source of frustration for me.’
‘Really? How old are these women though?’
‘Younger than me, granted…maybe that’s the reason.’
‘I think it might be. In my twenties, I wasn’t thinking like this. Once I hit my thirties, the urge for children became unbearable! It’s all-consuming sometimes.’
I nodded, thoughtfully. ‘I know what you mean…it’s something I’ve tried to put to the back of my mind, if I’m honest, but since meeting you and talking about it, it’s clear it is something I really want now.’
‘I don’t want to influence your thinking!’ she chuckled.
‘No, you haven’t…I just find that I’ve been able to be very open and honest since meeting you.’
‘You have? Weren’t you before?’
‘In most conversations, yes, but not where children are concerned. I always had to keep ‘Mum’ and say nothing when Laura and I spoke. She wanted nothing less and was quite anti-children in many ways. It used to frustrate me and when I had these broody feelings, I had nothing to do with them…’
‘So, you couldn’t talk to anyone?’
‘No, I couldn’t…’
‘Well, you know that’s not the case now, right?’
‘It’s not?’
‘Well, no! You’ve got me now!’ she smiled.
‘Thanks, Nikki.’
‘We can be broody and miserable together,’ she chuckled.
‘Yeah,’ I laughed. ‘Sounds like a plan!’
‘And you know something, Sarah-you’re right!’
‘About what?’
‘About the whole waiting thing.’
‘I am?’
‘Yeah…I mean, why am I waiting at all? why don’t I just go and do it? If I met someone after that, it’d be great and it doesn’t mean it won’t happen just because I’ve got a child!’
‘You thought you wouldn’t meet a woman after having a child?’ I questioned.
‘Well, maybe…I mean it’s like what you were saying earlier-not all women want children.’
‘The thing is, Nikki, you would still meet women who were interested-they’d just be the right kind of women because they’d be interested in more than just a good time.’
‘So, you wouldn’t be phased if you met a woman and she came with kids in tow?’
‘No, not at all…not if I loved her and wanted to be with her,’ I said seriously.
‘And you’d take the child on as your own?’
‘I would,’ I nodded.
‘You’re different I think though, Sarah,’ she commented.
‘How am I different?’ I asked.
‘Because you’re a whole new kind of loveliness that I’ve never encountered.’
‘I’m what?’ I asked, surprised by her words.
‘You’re the loveliest woman I’ve ever met, I think!’
‘Nikki!’ I exclaimed, glancing over briefly while I drove.
‘What?’
‘What a lovely thing to say!’ I said, smiling to myself.
I saw her shrug. ‘It’s true…’
‘I don’t think anyone’s ever said anything quite so nice to me before.’
She laughed. ‘You clearly haven’t been out with nice women before then, Sarah! You should be showered with compliments.’
‘Why?’ I asked, confused.
‘Because you’re so nice! I’ve never met anyone like you-so kind hearted and lovely.’
I sighed.
‘Why the sigh?’
‘I think maybe I’m too nice.’
‘You are not too nice! You couldn’t possibly be!’
‘But I haven’t found anyone to spend my life with…I think perhaps women find me boring.’
‘Sarah, you’re far from being boring.’
‘Maybe,’ I conceded, ‘I just find it hard to take a compliment like yours when there’s no queue of women lining up to be with me.’
‘Honey, you don’t need a queue…’
‘No,’ I murmured.
‘You just need the one…the right one,’ she said softly.
‘Yeah…the right one…that sounds nice…where do I meet her?’ I asked her, mirroring her soft, quiet tone.
‘Maybe you already have,’ Nikki replied gently and I could feel her eyes on me.
I felt my stomach clench in response and didn’t know whether to turn to look at her or not. I kept my eyes on the road. I didn’t trust myself to look at her in that moment. It was too tempting.
‘Life has a funny way of working out sometimes,’ Nikki continued, surprising me with her words.
‘I hope so,’ I responded.
‘Hope…it’s a wonderful word, right?’
I smiled. ‘It is.’
‘We’ll both have hope…hope we’re going to find what we’re looking for…’
This time I did glance over at her. ‘Now that sounds nice.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’
‘Yeah…’
‘We should all have hope, Sarah…always.’
‘I’ve been missing it lately I think.’
‘Me too…I think I could find it again though-especially being around you-you’re so positive.’
I smiled. ‘I am usually…I’m usually much more happy go lucky-when I’m not going through the trials of a break-up!’ I chuckled.
‘Yeah, I know what you mean…I’m coming out the other side now but I know where you’re coming from.’
The sat nav spoke to me then and told me I was three hundred yards from my destination.
‘Oh, my goodness, Nikki! This is the place!’
‘Where your Grandma grew up?’ she questioned.
‘Yes!’ I said, slowing the car to a crawl.
‘How exciting!’
I stopped by the curb and saw the house in which my Grandma had started her life. It had a Welsh name which I could barely pronounce and yet when I got out of the car and stared at the house, I felt strangely at home.
‘It’s beautiful,’ Nikki commented from my side, surprising me.
I hadn’t even realised she was there. ‘It is, isn’t it? I feel like she’s here right now,’ I said softly, ‘glad I’m here visiting the house.’
‘I imagine she is,’ Nikki replied gently.
‘I want to see more…’ I murmured.
‘Come on…let’s go and investigate,’ Nikki said, taking my hand and pulling me towards the house.
I let her take my hand, and noticed the way it felt in mine as I stepped towards the gorgeous, white house. With my feelings running amok, both about my Grandma and with my attraction for Nikki, I went to see where my Grandma had grown up.
Chapter 12
Breath-taking
Nikki was bolder
than me and presently knocked on the door, asking the owners if we could look around my Grandmother’s old home. They were kind and welcoming and even gave us a tour of the house. I felt honoured to walk in her footsteps and thanked them profusely when it was over.
Back in the car, I felt emotion fill me.
‘You okay?’ Nikki asked, as I failed to start the engine.
‘I…yeah…’
‘Are you sure?’ she questioned.
I swallowed hard. ‘Yeah…it’s just…well, that was wonderful. Thanks for pushing for a look around. I never would have done that myself.’
She smiled and laid her hand on my arm supportively. ‘What are friends for, huh?’
I returned her smile happily. ‘Shall I just get going again?’
‘Best foot forwards,’ she nodded.
‘Okay,’ I replied and started the engine. ‘Let’s go and find ‘The Mumbles.’
I drove to The Mumbles where we visited the castle, the town and the picturesque bays. We ended up at a gorgeous little place called ‘Bracelet Bay’ where we parked up and found a restaurant overlooking the water. I helped Nikki out of the car and we slowly made it inside where we sat down and ordered from the Italian menu.
‘This is a gorgeous place, Sarah. Thanks for bringing me with you-I can’t remember the last time I had such a wonderful time.’
‘Me too,’ I smiled. ‘It really is beautiful here, isn’t it?’
‘It sure is, but then so are you.’
My breathing halted in my chest. My eyes caught hers and held and I found that I couldn’t look away.
‘Don’t run away from this,’ Nikki said then, stunning me with her words.
‘I…’
‘Yes, you were…every time I so much as look as you, you turn away.’
‘I just met you, Nikki.’
‘Perhaps…but tell me you’re not avoiding this?’
‘This? As in us?’ I asked.
She nodded.
‘I…I don’t know what to tell you…you offered something I felt that I wasn’t able to be part of…’
She laughed aloud, tipping her head back as she chuckled. ‘You’re such a liar!’
‘What?’ I exclaimed.
‘You heard me!’
‘Nikki!’
‘Just be honest with me, Sarah. You don’t want to discuss this do you?’
‘I…’ I almost fobbed her off again but then realised I couldn’t. ‘No…I don’t,’ I said on a sigh.
‘Why not?’
I held her eyes and found it difficult to find the words to explain. ‘I…it’s because…well…I like you, Nikki.’
‘I like you too,’ she said softly, her gaze intense.
‘But I really like you…’
‘Ditto, honey.’
‘I don’t want to spoil this new friendship.’
‘How would it spoil it? Surely it would just make things better?’
‘No, Nikki! Sex always gets in the way…things get complicated and change…and…’
‘And what, Sarah?’
‘I don’t think you’d be interested anymore,’ I told her simply.
‘Okay, now stop right there,’ she told me clearly. ‘You are not going to let one stupid ex-girlfriend make you think that there is something wrong with you in terms of the bedroom. That is beyond ridiculous.’
‘Two,’ I replied, looking up at her from under my lashes.
‘Sarah, it doesn’t matter what they told you! Understand this! Some people have chemistry, some don’t. We do, Sarah. I have absolutely no doubt that if you said yes to me, we would be hotter than hot in the bedroom.’
‘I really don’t think so,’ I replied.
‘And I really do think so!’ she laughed. ‘Why not just have a fling, Sarah? The best way to get over somebody is to get under someone else,’ she quipped.
‘I don’t do this…’
She shrugged. ‘Neither do I as a general rule.’
‘I thought you played the field much more than me?’
‘Perhaps when I was younger!’ she stated. ‘Not these days.’
‘Oh…’
Our lunch arrived at that moment and conversation halted until the waiter had gone. I looked down at my food and felt my appetite dwindling.
‘Sarah?’
I looked up and met her eyes.
‘I didn’t mean to upset you.’
‘You haven’t.’
‘Yes, I have…I can see it in your eyes.’
‘I just…can we be friends for now? I do like you, Nikki but I’m in a strange head-space right now.’
‘So am I.’
‘Yeah…but you’re way more confident than me.’
‘I can help you in that respect.’
‘I just don’t know, Nikki.’
‘What is it you’re afraid of? Or are you simply not interested?’ she questioned.
‘No, I am,’ I said, feeling my cheeks flush, ‘I just…’
‘What?’
‘I’m scared,’ I finally admitted.
She gazed at me for a long moment before speaking. ‘What are you scared of, honey?’
I shrugged.
‘Come on…now we’re being honest, you might as well tell me…’
‘I…well, I like you…’
‘You’ve already said that,’ she smiled.
‘I know…I’m trying to explain…’
‘Sorry…’
‘I like you, Nikki. The trouble is, I really like you.’
‘That’s a good thing surely?’
‘It scares me…I’ve never once met anyone that I get on with as well as you…I’ve known you for a few days and already I feel so wonderfully content and happy around you. It’s thrown me.’
Nikki sat back in her chair and stared at me; her face a picture of wonder. ‘That’s why you’ve been avoiding this?’ she questioned.
I nodded. ‘Yes.’
‘I don’t know what to say!’ she exclaimed.
I chuckled a little. ‘That makes a change…role reversal.’
She smiled. ‘We should eat,’ she said, indicating the food. ‘Perhaps this is a conversation to continue when we’re alone later,’ she said, nodding towards the family who had just sat down on the table next to us.
I nodded. ‘You’re right.’
‘So, go on, eat! This all looks delicious.’
‘It does, doesn’t it?’ I smiled, reaching for a slice of stone-baked pizza. I began eating the mouth-watering food. As we ate, our eyes clashed constantly. We stuck to neutral topics but something had changed between us. A new intimacy had come to life.
After lunch, we wandered around the bay a little. It was difficult to go far because of Nikki’s crutches. We took our time and sauntered around the sights before returning to the car.
On the way out of the picturesque town, I spotted the Welsh love spoons shop. I pulled over into the car park and we headed inside.
The walls were adorned with wooden love spoons. Each had an intricately carved design and they were all beautiful in their own way. I picked up a card which explained the meaning of each spoon and I noticed Nikki reading the same. She wandered around as I did, occasionally stopping to lift a spoon to study.
While Nikki looked, I chose the one I wanted and went over to the counter to buy it. I then smiled up at Nikki as she headed over to buy her own. When she was done, we walked out to the car together.
‘Which one did you get?’ I asked as I started the car.
She chuckled. ‘The birds…’
I gaped at her. ‘Me too!’
‘No way!’
‘Out of hundreds of spoons, we chose the same one?’
‘That’s amazing!’ I exclaimed.
‘Fate,’ she nodded.
‘Why did you choose it?’ I wondered.
‘Because of the meaning…let’s go away together or the stork bringing new life.’
‘Ah…a partner and children?’
She nodded. ‘You
?’
‘The same reason,’ I said, smiling faintly.
‘Don’t you think that it’s kind of strange that we’ve been thrown together like this, Sarah?’ Nikki asked, surprising me with her forward ways again.
‘I…it is a little,’ I admitted.
‘Let’s get home,’ she murmured, looking away.
‘Okay,’ I agreed, putting the car into gear. I began driving and Nikki was silent. I wondered what was going on in her head but decided not to ask. It had been a long but adventurous day out but something told me it was not over yet. As I drove, I wondered what awaited me when we got back.
When we arrived back at the cabin, I helped Nikki get inside and settled on the sofa.
‘You okay?’ I asked when she was sat down.
‘Yeah…just worn out. We did a lot today considering I’ve been laid up for the past few days.’
‘We sure did. Maybe it was too much? I didn’t mean to make you overdo it!’
‘You didn’t…I just need to rest now,’ she told me.
I got to my feet. ‘I’ll fix us a simple tea.’
‘Thanks,’ she murmured gratefully.
I made sandwiches for tea and we ate them whilst eating television. Nikki was quieter than normal and I found it strange not to be chatting away to her for a change.
After tea, Nikki headed for the bathroom telling me she was going to have a soak in the bath. When I asked if she needed help, she said no, she could handle it herself this time. True to her word, she didn’t call for help and emerged half an hour later in one piece.
When Nikki returned, she still seemed subdued and quiet so I left her to it. I went for a shower and then returned in my pyjamas-as Nikki had done. I sat down on the other end of the three-seater sofa and glanced at her. She kept looking at the television and didn’t turn my way. I averted my gaze and went back to watching the program that was on.
As I sat there watching, I grew more and more uncomfortable with the silence. This wasn’t like Nikki. I knew her well enough by now to know that something was wrong. She was a naturally chatty woman and to be this quiet was odd.
‘Nikki?’ I said, breaking the silence.
‘Yeah?’ she replied, her tone flat and uninterested.
‘Are you okay?’ I asked, looking at her closely.
She finally met my eyes, albeit for just a moment before looking away. ‘Yeah, fine.’
As her gaze went back to the TV, frustration filled me. ‘Nikki!’