by Lynn Galli
“I’m not like normal people who can act on their feelings. I’ve lived with that most of my life, and it never really bothered me.” She shook her head and turned away. “But then I met you, and you make me want things I can’t have.”
“But you can,” I encouraged. My heart felt exhausted from the sudden starts and stops of this exchange.
“No, I can’t. I can’t be touched. Do you get that?” She turned back with blazing eyes. “I hate it. I hate that my skin burns when someone touches me. I hate that I can’t put my hands on someone without it hurting or feeling like I’m going to harm them. I won’t do that to you.”
“You won’t harm me, M,” I rushed to assure her. My whole body trembled from the hurt she’d been caused and the fact that it had robbed her of human contact.
Tears pooled and spilled onto her cheeks. “I can’t imagine having sex without it being a violent act. I’ve tried to deal with it, gone to therapists, but after years, I’m no closer to being normal. The only useful advice cost me my self-respect, but I forced myself to participate. It never worked, and I won’t do that anymore.” I didn’t want to think about what a therapist would suggest for someone who’d been repeatedly sexually abused as a child and left without love for most of her life. She’d lost her self-respect, which meant it was an attempt at sex under controlled conditions.
Probably a sex surrogate or sex with restraints. I detested that for her. No one should have to miss out on the physical expression of love, especially for someone who needed to feel loved as much as she did.
“I wish I could take away your pain. You’ve lived with it for too long.” I inched closer, trying not to scare her. “Is your reaction as bad when it’s someone you’re attracted to?” She scoffed ruefully. “Are you asking if I can stand to be touched by someone I’d like to touch?” She looked away and shook her head. “I’ve never had the opportunity.” Did that mean she’d never tried or that she’d never been attracted to anyone before? Both suppositions were heart wrenching. “We could try. Go at whatever pace makes you feel comfortable?” I asked with more hope than I’d had in years.
“Don’t you see how screwed up I am?” She raked a hand through her hair. The path of her fingers made mine itch to follow. “I can’t act on my feelings. I can’t even express my feelings.”
“There are a lot of ways to express feelings, M.”
“But you deserve the normal way, Briony. You had it before. It was part of your life for so long.” I waved my hands to deny this concern. “I’m not looking for a replica relationship.”
“But you should have someone who can give you more.” Her eyes implored me to let up. “You deserve someone who can give you everything. I can’t be that person. I wish I could.” I hadn’t felt this much hurt in my heart since the police knocked on my door three and a half years ago. I knew what she was saying, and I couldn’t fight it. “You’re certain?”
“I’m sorry. I wish I could be different for you.” I wanted to assure her that I didn’t need her to be different, but she hadn’t meant it that way. I nodded, reluctantly accepting her decision. “I’ll see you in three weeks. We still have to go bike riding.” Her eyes widened at my certain declaration. “We’re friends. I’m not giving that up.” The grateful look on her face helped soothe my heartache.
Chapter 26
Three weeks off from work usually relaxes someone. Instead, the vacation had been a tumultuous time, moving from fun to tolerable to distressing. I loved being with Caleb again, catching up with old friends from Vermont, and visiting my parents. Even seeing Meg’s parents and sisters was easy and enjoyable this time.
But the entire trip had the sad undercurrent of missing M, wishing I could erase her past and hoping that we could become closer friends.
Our last day in Vermont was spent at Megan’s parents’ house.
Her sisters, their husbands and kids joined us for the afternoon as well. Caleb was living it up with his cousins, and I was getting in my last bit of family time before we got on a plane later.
“Hey, lil’ sis.” Megan’s oldest sister, Sadie, dropped into the chair next to me on the porch. She’d always called me this, mostly as a show of support for her sister’s sexuality. Her other sister, Danica, had taken a while to come around to the idea of Megan being gay. Not out of any prejudice, but because they’d been especially close growing up and Megan had told Sadie first.
Danica hadn’t taken that very well, but she’d eventually come around and had always accepted me with open arms.
“Hi, Sadie. How are you still standing with five kids? Do I need to make a reservation for you at the state mental institute?” I joked, looking up at the face that would have become Meg’s.
Sadie looked the most like her sister, five years older with Meg’s hair if she would have fussed with it as much. I’d always found it difficult to look at her these past few years. Now, I just marveled at her beauty.
“Wanna take a few back with you? Caleb would love it.”
“Pack ‘em up. I could get more stuff done around the house, rent them out to neighbors, a veritable goldmine.” She smacked my shoulder, laughing loudly, which drew a crowd. Danica, her mother, Allison, and my mom wandered over to join us. I was thankful that my mom and Allison had kept up their friendship. I’d hoped that Meg’s death wouldn’t act as the excuse not to stay as close as they’d become during our marriage.
“What are you girls getting into over here?” Allison mock demanded.
I smiled and stood to give her my chair, and Sadie did the same for my mom. “Sadie’s giving away her kids. I told her there’s a big market for them in Virginia.”
“Take mine, too.” Danica dramatically swiped her brow as she took up the post next to mine on the porch railing. She had a smaller passel at only three, but they were all boys and, my, were they rambunctious.
“You’re supposed to be thanking your lucky stars for the little angels,” Allison commented. “Of course, I had three girls, much more civil, you know.”
“We were dolls,” Sadie declared. “Or Meg and I were; you were a hellion.” She pointed accusingly at Danica. “Middle child!”
“Oldest know-it-all!” her sister bit back, drawing a round of laughter from us.
“You and Bri had it right, Susan,” she told my mom. “One kid, just enough to make you feel the wonders of motherhood but not enough to burn down the house.”
“Tell me you don’t have matches in your home?” my mom joked. She’d given me her sarcastic sense of humor but not her button nose or hazel eyes. My dad had dark brown eyes that mixed with my mom’s hazels and gave my brown eyes a heavy gold tint. I’d also gotten his sharp nose but Mom’s refined cheekbones.
Depending on the day, I was a dead ringer for either one of them.
“Oh, no, I’ve learned my lesson,” Sadie assured. “So, Bri, as much as I hate to admit it, Virginia seems like it’s worked out for you.” Everyone nodded in enthusiastic agreement. “I was worried there for a bit, but you finally seem settled.”
“Happy,” Danica inserted. “Are you seeing anyone?” I shot a wary look at Allison, but rather than the sad expression I expected, she looked hopeful. “No.”
“Oh, hon.” Allison reached out to hold my hand. “You gave my precious girl the best years of her life. She would want you to find someone else. She wouldn’t want you wasting your wonderful love.”
“Ally,” I whispered. She pulled on my hand to slide me off the rail and wrap me up in an embrace. Soon the whole lot of them were hugging me.
“Yeah, get out there again, toots,” Sadie ordered. “You’re not getting any younger.”
“Which makes you ancient,” Danica taunted her older sister.
My mom kept an arm around me as we settled back into our seats. She’d been telling me these same things for years now, slowly encouraging me to move on with my life. No one wanted to see her child grieving and have that grief keep her from living.
Now that I’d made the
break from it, I could see how much concern I’d caused for these people who loved me.
“Thanks for the blessing,” I said to Allison and turned to Sadie, “and the encouragement.”
“We’ll expect to meet her when you do find someone,” Allison insisted. “We’re a tight knit group, aren’t we, Susan?”
“You bet,” my mom agreed, squeezing me against her. “We all want what’s best for you, sunshine.”
I’d believed it every time she’d told me over the past three and a half years, but this time I agreed with it. I wanted what was best for me, too.
Chapter 27
It wasn’t like I couldn’t stay away, I just didn’t want to. The classroom was packed as usual. I watched M enthrall her students through the glass in the door. I couldn’t decide which M I liked best: the shy, thoughtful woman who chose her words carefully and her friends even more carefully, or the brilliant, enthusiastic instructor who wanted nothing more than to share her passion for learning with her students. Of course, the fact that she was equal parts both was all part of her allure.
The bell sounded and I slipped inside after the first wave of kids through the door. Students surrounded her again, some waving add forms with the hope that someone would be stupid enough to have dropped her class after only one lecture.
She hadn’t cut her hair. Throughout the summer, she’d kept up the routine of trimming to keep her three inch strands at three inches. The extra growth looked just as lovely as the shorter version. Too lovely. I was supposed to have used the vacation to gain control of this attraction, but instead I’d only gotten in deeper. This wouldn’t be easy, but I wasn’t going to give up her friendship because I couldn’t stop wishing we could have more. I figured by the end of fall term, four months of hanging out as just friends might do the trick.
“Hey, Prof,” Avery greeted as he stepped down from M’s perch. I was starting to think he should be reclassified as a stalker rather than a student for all the classes he showed up in. “Did you stop by Selesia’s headquarters yet?”
“Not yet. I was just checking in with your professor to see when I could do a walk through.”
“You’re welcome anytime. Professor D says we should have our first product out by January. The team’s going berserk. We’re gonna kick some major ass over those other teams.”
“It’s no longer a competition, Avery. You’ve already been awarded the start-up capital. Competition would be futile.”
“Don’t take away my fun, Prof. We want to make you both proud.”
“We’re already proud.” M’s voice came at us from behind Avery. He was both tall and wide enough to completely eclipse her. A swarm of students funneled out from behind him, having completed their pestering of the professor.
“Aww,” Avery crooned, shifting to the side to speak with both of us. “I’m feeling a group hug coming on.” His wide wingspan spread out in an attempt to draw us into a hug.
“Step away now, Av,” I warned in a lighthearted tone.
“Not wanting to start any rumors, huh? I see how it is.” He winked, and I couldn’t help but laugh. While exasperating, Avery was one of the best students I’d ever had.
Turning back from watching his departure, I smiled at M. A moment passed where I was frozen with a gust of giddiness. “Hi,” I managed.
“Hey.” Her voice sounded even, but her eyes couldn’t keep my gaze.
“How was Chicago?”
“Good, thank you. The fundraiser went well. Did you have a nice time in Vermont?”
“It was a good trip. Caleb was eager to get home by the end, though. Now, it’s the daily drama of fifth grade.” She blasted me with a smile designed to make my mouth go dry. “Hank’s had some fascinating tales as well. Sounds like their teacher is pretty unique.”
“I’ll say. Should be an interesting year.” I watched her head back up to get her bag. “I came by to see if you’d mind if I went by Selesia and Dynasthai next week? I’m a little curious to see how everyone’s doing.”
“Please do. I’d like to drop in on the three you’re coaching as well.”
“Maybe we should combine trips?” This was the telling point.
Would she hesitate to continue our friendship?
In response, she pulled a PDA from her bag and tapped on the screen. “Thursday afternoon?”
“That works.” I watched as she stepped down toward me, nothing reluctant in her gait, which meant she was okay with staying friends. “Do you have plans on Saturday? Hank’s spending the day with us. I wanted to take the boys rollerblading. Any interest?”
Her eyes flared. “Sure. That sounds fun.”
“Great. See you Saturday morning then.” I turned and fled before I started babbling about how much more attracted I’d become in the weeks of separation.
On Saturday, my doorbell rang at the precise meeting time. M stood on my doorstep, striking as ever in long shorts and a fitted v-neck t-shirt. The urge to take her in my arms and kiss her rose as quickly as a geyser. “Good morning, M.”
“Morning.” Her shy smile almost did me in.
“M!” the boys screeched, vaulting toward the front door. I turned and blocked their path to her so that Caleb wouldn’t hug her as was his custom with some of my friends. Hank had clearly been trained not to hug her.
“Let’s let her get inside without wrestling her to the ground, huh, kids?” I joked. “Do you have your gear?”
“Yeppers,” Caleb said for both of them.
“Is it invisible?” I teased because they didn’t have the stuff in their hands.
“Nooo!” They laughed.
“Well, are we going or what?” I gestured for them to scoot back up to Caleb’s room to get their pads and helmets.
“You have a nice home, Briony.” M turned in place to take in my living room, kitchen, and dining room. She went toward the mantel and carefully studied each of the photos.
“Thanks. We like it.” I saw her reach out to touch the one of Caleb and me in a canoe, but her hand pulled back before she’d reached it. “Both kids need to rent skates. Hank never had any, and Caleb grew two inches in Vermont.”
“Something in the water?” she kidded.
“A few more years and he’ll be taller than me.”
“I’ve yet to meet a thirteen-year-old shorter than me.” I laughed at the incongruity. Her presence was so much larger than her petite frame showed, especially in class. Yet I was three inches taller and sometimes felt small in her presence. “I stop talking to them when they get taller than me.” She laughed this time, and I thought my heart would burst out of my chest.
“Ready, Mom,” Caleb announced, his cute face suddenly very near my shoulder.
“Move out, little monkeys,” I ordered to their delight.
Monkey sounds followed us out to M’s car where we piled in and headed off to the sporting goods store.
It didn’t take long to get the boys fitted for rental blades, then we were headed back to the parking lot to get over to the park.
On our way out the side entrance, we got caught behind a large gathering of people. They were staring upward and our eyes automatically followed. A fifty-foot rock wall took up an entire section of the rugged outdoors part of the store. The boys looked reverently at it while M turned a concerned gaze on me.
“Still want to give this a try, boys?” I heard myself ask. My heart pounded an irregular pattern as I contemplated what I felt I needed to do.
“Really, Mom?” Caleb looked at me like I’d just spoken in an alien tongue.
“Mommy and I loved it, kiddo. That means you should be a natural. If you and Hank want to try, I’m going with you.”
“Me, too.” M stepped up beside me, awe in her expression.
“Since you’re so good at sounding like monkeys, I’d like to see if you can climb like them, too,” she prompted, and the kids sprinted ahead to get in line.
“You don’t have to go, but I need to do this.” I knew she’d never gone roc
k climbing, and for some, it was a bit daunting.
“I know. I want to be there when you do.” Her determined gaze fortified my resolve to put this final step behind me.
Once we got into the climbing harnesses, we clipped onto the line. The men and women working the wall gave simple and clear instructions, but I was already marking my ascent. As if by silent agreement, the boys and M let me go ahead of them. My palm grew wet as I gripped the first hold. Perspiration broke out over my whole body. I could see Megan on our last climb together.
Effortless, graceful, and unflappable as she climbed slightly ahead and to my left. I’d never climbed without her.
“It’s okay, Mom,” Caleb interrupted my flashback.
“It will be, Caleb,” I told him in a determined voice.
M gave me an encouraging smile as I took my first hold and pulled up. Planting my foot on another hold, I reached for the second with my left hand. By the third reach, the effortlessness was back. So was the enjoyment. It wasn’t the same as being outdoors and finding holds on a rock face but still a lot of fun. I scaled the wall in no time and was back on the ground in even less.
“Whoa, cool,” Hank praised. “See, I told you it looked fun.”
“You did good, Mom.” Caleb hugged me fiercely.
“Did well,” both M and I corrected him before we looked at each other and laughed.
“Let’s get you guys up there,” I encouraged, pointing out the first holds for the kids before turning to M. “Do you need help?” I easily slipped back into the helpful role I’d always taken with our adventure tour clients.
“I think I’ve got it. I had an excellent demonstration, after all.” She smiled broadly and took one of the holds to pull herself slowly up the wall.
I followed closely behind the boys in case they got into a bind looking for the right hold. As we reached the top collectively, I felt the last of the heaviness in my heart vanish. This had turned out to be a far better day than I could have imagined. And I’d imagined a pretty good one.