Good luck, lady.
“Devin,” I cry, hoping that he can hear me. “You fight this, baby. You hear me? You’re a soldier, Devin, and soldiers fight.” A cold hand wraps around my arm, but I dart to the left, breaking free. “You promised me you’d come back to me, and damn it, you better pull through this because I need you!” Tears blur my vision and I push up on my toes, wanting to get a good look at him. “We need you!”
“Clear!”
One of the nurses steps to the side, creating an opening, and I get a glimpse of the man I love, the father of my child. His body jerks, arcing off the bed before falling limp. My blood runs cold at the sight in front of me, which instantly blurs. Tears rush down my face as a sharp pain rips through my chest. This isn’t happening. Reaching for Devin’s tags draped around my neck, I grip them tightly in my hand, needing to feel close to him—needing the comfort. My shoulders slump forward, and when I watch his body arc off the bed for a second time, my entire world shatters.
“Oh my God. No …” I whisper. Strong arms wrap around me again, and this time I don’t fight it. In a matter of seconds, I’m in the hallway burying my head in Navas’s chest. He’s rubbing my back, whispering words of hope, and I latch on to him like he’s the only thing keeping me anchored to this earth. Because, right now, he is.
“He has to be okay,” I cry, gripping the front of Navas’s shirt. “I-I can’t lose him. This wasn’t supposed to h-happen.” With each word, my cries get louder, which explains why I don’t hear it when someone walks up behind me.
A light tap on my back followed by a tug of my shirt grabs my attention, and I pull back from Navas. My eyes instantly land on … Sally. The little girl from the waiting room is looking at me, her piercing blue eyes swimming with tears. Sally’s chin trembles as her eyes rake over my face. Lifting my hand, I wipe the tears from my face, hoping that my wails didn’t somehow scare the little girl.
“You can cwy,” she whispers, tears slipping down her rosy cheeks. “But don’t fowget to pway.” Without another word, Sally reaches out her hand as though she has something to give me. Releasing my grip on Navas’s shirt, I hold out my hand and she drops something in it before spinning around and taking off toward a woman standing outside of another ICU room.
My eyes are gritty and swollen from crying, but when I look down at what the little girl gave me, a tiny spark of hope ignites deep in my soul.
A rosary.
From the mouths of babes, I think to myself. Lifting my gaze to Navas’s, I hold up the beautiful white rosary. “I need to find the chapel,” I whisper, my voice hoarse from crying.
He doesn’t say a word, merely grips my hand in his and leads me out of the ICU. I follow behind him as he weaves down hallways, through doors, and when we eventually end up in front of the chapel, he pushes open the wood door and motions me in. The door shuts softly behind me, but I have no idea if he followed me in because right now I’m on a mission.
Sliding into a front row pew, my hands drop between my knees. The rosary hangs from my fingers as I say the most important prayer of my life to date. Except that when I give the sign of the cross and drop my head between my shoulders, it isn’t the Apostles’ Creed that runs through my head, it’s a prayer to the first man who ever loved me … a man that I know would literally move heaven and earth to help me out.
I need you, Daddy … Devin needs you. I’ve prayed to you a lot over the past several months, but this time it’s life or death. I’m not sure if you’ve got any pull up there, but if you do, right now would be the time to use it. Because I’m not ready to hand Devin over. I’m not ready to live the rest of my life without him, and I honestly don’t know how I would do it. I will be a shell of a woman without him. He means everything to me, Daddy. He’s my life, my heart, my soul and I need him more than I need my next breath. Our baby needs him. He or she deserves to grow up with a daddy as great as you were, so please … please let him be okay. Stand beside him, give him strength, and if he tries to find his way to wherever it is that you are, push him back. Tell him it’s too soon … tell him he has a family here waiting for him—
“Katie …” The soft sound of a woman’s voice floats through the air, and I twirl around in my seat.
Jennifer.
My heart slams inside my chest, and my palms are growing increasingly sweaty by the second. I have no idea how Devin’s nurse found me, and I don’t really care. What I care about is the unreadable look on her face—the one that could potentially rip my heart out or single-handedly put it back together.
“You And Me”—Lifehouse
CLOSING MY EYES, I LET the warm breeze wash over me. The faint scent of flowers starting to bloom and the sound of birds chirping off in the distance tells me that spring is coming, if not technically already here.
A warm hand finds mine, and I take a deep breath before looking up. “I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”
Navas doesn’t say a word. He simply links our fingers, giving me the support he knows I so desperately need right now. He’s been my rock through everything that’s happened since Devin coded in that hospital bed. He’s held me when I’ve needed holding, and he’s talked me down from nearly every ledge I’ve found myself on. And trust me, there have been a lot of ledges.
He tugs my hand, leading me through rows upon rows of white tombstones. They all look alike, and if it weren’t for the map in my hand, I’d certainly get lost.
Arlington National Cemetery is not my favorite place in the world. Sure, it’s breathtakingly beautiful in a somber sort of way, but I hate coming here because it’s a reminder of all of the lives that have been lost.
My body trembles, my legs going weak, and I quickly push those thoughts from my head. The doctor says my blood pressure is already too high, and I have to keep it down or I’ll end up on bed rest. Lord knows the last thing I need right now is to end up on bed rest.
My free hand falls to my swollen belly and I rub it gently. “Are you ready to see Daddy?” I ask, loving the way my little peanut moves around at the sound of my voice. “That’s what I thought.”
“You really think he can hear you?” Navas asks, a curious look on his face.
“What makes you think it’s a he?”
“It’s just a feeling I’ve got.” He shrugs and continues to lead me through rows of fallen soldiers.
“Yes, well, if you think it’s a boy, it must be a girl.”
“You’re stubborn as hell, you know that?”
“I do.” Looking up, I smile smugly. “It’s one of the reasons you love me.”
“Who ever said I love you?”
“What?” I scoff, stopping dead in my tracks. I’m enjoying the banter because it’s keeping me distracted from the grave that’s only a couple of feet away. I know it’s his grave, because the flowers I left the last time I was here are still there. “Take that back,” I insist. “Tell me you love me.”
“Fine,” he grumbles, knowing he won’t win. “I love you … even if you are a pain in my ass.”
“Who do you love?” Devin asks, wheeling his chair up to the side of me.
I look over at Navas, curious as to what bullshit answer he’s going to give my fiancé. “Your woman,” he says with a smirk on his face that’s sure to piss off Devin if his words didn’t already.
Devin glances down and a low growl rips from his throat right before he yanks my hand out of Navas’s.
“Dude, get your own fucking woman. This one is taken,” he says, bringing the back of my hand to his mouth before feathering kisses across my stomach. Peanut moves with the contact and Devin smiles against my dress. “I love you.”
“Okay, enough of this shit,” Navas barks, pushing past us. He walks straight up to Jax’s tombstone, drops his hand to the top and lowers his head. Devin and I stand back, giving him space.
“Did you have a nice visit with Jax?” I whisper.
“I did.” Devin looks over his shoulder at Navas and then back at me. “Thank you f
or giving me some time to myself with him.”
“You don’t have to thank me.” Bending down, I drop a kiss to Devin’s soft lips. He wraps an arm around my back and drags me onto his lap. I usually resist because I don’t want to hurt him, but he insists that he’s fine.
That day in the hospital is hands down one of the worst days of my life. I thought Devin was gone—and for a minute there, he was. I’ll never forget the way my body went numb, the way my heart felt like it was literally breaking, and then I heard my Daddy’s voice. He was right there with me, telling me to be strong and reminding me to have hope. Immediately after that, I heard Devin’s voice reminding me that he promised he’d never leave me—a promise that he ultimately kept.
“Plus, I think Mr. Tough Guy over there secretly liked walking my pregnant ass all the way to the bathroom.”
“Trust me,” Navas says as he approaches. “Mr. Tough Guy doesn’t.”
“Whatever.” Giving Devin one last kiss, I delicately remove myself from his lap. “Now move on and give me some time alone with Jax.”
Devin reaches out and snags my wrist in his hand. “What?”
“I said I want some time alone with Jax. Something wrong with that?”
“Uh …” He looks at Navas for approval—like I need any—and Navas just shrugs. “Okay. Sure. We’ll be right over there.”
Smiling, I rub a hand over Devin’s cheek before stepping away and walking over to Jax’s grave. “Hey there,” I whisper, shifting to my knees. “I think I just blew my cover. Devin doesn’t know we’ve talked before, so don’t tell him, okay?”
When we come to Arlington, I always find a way to sneak out here and have a few words of my own with Jax. The first time, I merely thanked him for his service. The second time, I thanked him for saving my fiancé's life, and then it slowly transformed into a ritual. Today, I have something totally different to talk to him about.
“I wanted to tell you that I found out the other day—by accident—what I’m having.”
Peeking over my shoulder, I make sure the boys are far enough away that they won’t hear me and then I turn back. “I learned how to read ultrasounds in school. Hell, I look at them nearly every day at work. So when I had mine done, I could tell exactly what I was having. And if it’s okay with you, I’d like to name him Jax. Jaxon Thomas Clay.”
Running my hand along the cool granite, I picture him smiling. I never had the privilege of meeting Jax, but I’ve seen enough pictures to know what that smile would look like.
“I knew you wouldn’t mind,” I whisper. I probably look like a crazy person sitting out here having a conversation all to myself, but I could care less. I firmly believe that Jax was watching over Devin the day of the explosion and again the day Devin coded, so who’s to say he’s not here now? “Anyway, I wanted you to be the first to know. But I better get going. Thank you again for everything.”
Jax may have been watching out for Devin, but I know that I have my own guardian angel. Tilting my head to the sky, I give a silent ‘thank you’ to my daddy, the man who has guided me and helped me get to where I am today.
Patting the white headstone twice, I push myself off the ground, realizing for the first time just how hard it’s getting to move around with this rapidly growing belly. It makes me wish that we were back at home in Tennessee—for good. I’m fully aware that right now Devin needs the best care available, and that’s why we’re here. But it doesn’t make me miss home any less, especially with all of the exciting things that seem to be happening without me.
Sean and Maggie are engaged, although they haven’t started planning their wedding, and if she knows what’s good for her, she’ll wait until I get home to help. Bailey is doing well in college and she finally decided on a major … nursing. I was beyond proud when she told me, and I know she’ll make a great nurse. Mom’s been doing well, and has even started taking over care of the horses. I’ve tried to tell her not to, but she’s stubborn and won’t listen. Must be where I get it from. I’ve even gotten the occasional update on Wyatt. It warms my heart to know that he’s moved on, and we’ve even talked on the phone a couple of times. I’m grateful that he was able to forgive me, and he even said that when he had time to sit back and really reflect on things, he realized that the two of us would have never worked. I didn’t push that comment any further, just took it for what it was, but I like knowing that he’s still a part of my life.
A throat clears and I look up. Devin is watching me with open curiosity. He wants to know what I was doing at Jax’s grave, but he’s just going to have to wait. Raising his hand, he motions for me to join them. Not wanting to spend another second apart, I take a step forward … and another … and then another until I’m wrapped in the arms of my forever.
My Best Friend.
My Fiancé.
My Soldier
My Devin.
“This Year’s Love” – David Gray
THE TINGLE TRANSITIONS TO A burn and I slap the end of my right nub several times in a row, dulling the nerve and quieting the pain. It’s the only thing I’ve found that works when dealing with phantom limb pain. The sensation of still having feet, though I no longer do, is still a trip even a year after losing them. What feels like electric shocks surge from my knees down what’s left of each leg, both taken about mid-calf. Most below the knee amputees get up on their new feet in about six months or so, but infections made my wait double that.
Nothing could bring me down right now though. Not the stinging in my legs. Not even the year I waited for this day to come. Nothing. Today, I’m getting my new legs. Today, I feel what it’s like to stand tall again. Today, I heal just a little bit more.
“Baby, does hitting it that hard really help?” Katie’s sweet voice pulls my eyes from my stumps to her curious face looking back at me. I love the way her nose crinkles up when she’s wondering what the hell I’m doing.
“I swear it does. It’s the only thing that works. I’m finding the harder I hit it, the quicker the sensations go away.” I smack my right stump a few more times and shoot a playful smile toward her. “Bad nubbie!”
She rolls her beautiful eyes, and that smile, the one that still makes my heart race, sits perfectly on her face. This journey has not been easy, but with Katie by my side, I’ve learned to fight harder than I ever thought possible. And now with little Jax … God, how that boy has changed me.
As if he knows his dad is thinking about him, he squeals with excitement, throwing his tiny little hands into the air. Katie pulls him tighter into her arms and sits back in her chair. She rocks him sweetly back and forth, his delicate body nestling comfortably against her chest.
He has silky, light brown hair, and each day it looks more like he got his mother’s. I thank the Lord for that. Not that I didn’t like my hair, but you just can’t beat those beautiful locks she has, which are currently held back by a hair tie and falling gracefully down one shoulder.
Just as I catch myself fawning over my beautiful wife, the door swings open and Tom, my prosthetist, comes barreling in, his arms clutching two prosthetic legs … my legs. The sight of them stirs me in my seat.
Tom sets each leg down in front of me and wipes the sweat from his forehead. He’s a heavyset guy, the teddy bear type, and it’s fitting because he is one of the kindest personnel I’ve encountered at this place. The guy genuinely cares about his patients, and it’s made this painfully long wait a little easier. Excitement shines in his eyes, but it pales in comparison to the feeling that overwhelms my body right now. My ridiculous smile must be contagious, because seated just across from me is Katie smiling back so wide my heart might explode at the sight of it. Between us are two bars about waist high that run parallel to each other across most of the room. I’ve never used them before, but I’ve seen other amputees use them when they first start to walk.
“You ready for this?” Tom asks, rhetorically of course, since I’ve been bitching about this day to him for months.
“You bet
your ass I am.” I nod toward him and reach for my legs. Tom pulls them back, and the look I give him must actually scare him a little because he places them back down in front of me.
“Now, now Devin, we gotta go over some things first.” I nod in acknowledgment, sitting back in my seat. I shoot him a smirk—I knew it couldn’t be that easy—and wait for him to continue. Katie is looking intently, mentally noting everything Tom says so that she knows what to do when we are back in our little apartment.
The traumatic brain injury sometimes has its way with my short-term memory and Katie has been a godsend during my recovery, remembering medications and appointments, going over medical information with my doctors, all while pregnant with our son. And she was back at it immediately after Jax was born when I went in for my forty-sixth surgery, another irrigation and debridement—the necessary removal of dead or damaged tissue so that the remaining healthy tissue can heal. Three months ago was the forty-seventh—and final—surgery. They closed my stumps for good, which is why I now find myself seconds away from walking for the first time in a year.
“These are test sockets, that’s why they’re clear.” He shows the legs to Katie and me before setting them down again. The sockets are plastic and nearly see-through. “We will have you up on them today in between the parallel bars to make sure you have a good fit. I’ll have you tell me about any hot spots, and I’ll mark them for later.”
“What happens later?” I interrupt, my curiosity getting the best of me. This prosthetics stuff is fascinating, and I soak up all the information he has to give.
“Well, we have what is essentially a heavy-duty blow dryer that heats up the plastic so I can make the necessary changes.” Tom looks at the two of us and waits for acknowledgement.
“So you’ll heat them up today, and then I’ll be walking home, right?” I push.
He looks at me, just for a moment, like I’m absolutely crazy, but I can’t really understand why. I’ve seen enough amputees around the hospital and apartment complex. It doesn’t look that hard.
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