by Lily Morton
For a second there’s no sound and I raise my hand to knock again when the door opens suddenly, startling me. Sid stands there with his brown hair tousled, naked apart from a pair of gym shorts hanging low from his narrow hips, and inwardly I bemoan the fact that I didn’t fall in love with this brother. In some ways we’re much more evenly matched than Charlie and I are, and I don’t know whether it’s because Sid is the younger brother, but he’s much less resistant to the idea of monogamy. His past girlfriends may have been a teeny bit skanky but he’s always been faithful to them, and only dates one at a time, unlike his player brother. Over the last few years however, we’ve all really wished he could lose this character trait after he took up with a girl called Leah. She’s a total groupie, out for everything that Sid’s money can buy her, but he seems unable to see this and shows a stubborn loyalty to her which is infuriating. Charlie loathes her, to the extent that he’ll walk out of a room if she enters it and he persistently refers to them as Sid and Nancy as he believes that it’s Leah that got Sid into drugs. I suddenly realize that I haven’t heard anything about her for a while. I know I’ve not been around Charlie and the boys and I might have missed hearing something so I make a mental note to ask Sid later.
“Mabes,” he says in confusion and quite loudly. “What are you doing up - are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I whisper, gesturing him to keep his voice down. “I just wanted to know how you are.”
“I’m great,” he starts to say and then sags slightly against the doorframe as he catches my stern, interrogative look. “Fuck, you’re like the Gestapo. Okay, I’m feeling a bit shit,” he mutters.
I smile slightly because Sid’s always caved really easily under my interrogation stance. “I thought so but why in particular?”
“I just can’t sleep. You know me Mabes. I’m a night owl and I always have been. I’ve never really got to sleep before 4am. Only trouble is over the last few years I’ve occupied the early hours by snorting shit up my nose!”
I wince. “Are you still having withdrawals?” I whisper, and then shiver because there’s a real draft in the corridor which is whistling around my ankles.
Sid exclaims and shooting his arm out he grabs me and pulls me into his room. “You’re bloody freezing,” he says rubbing my bare arms briskly, and I suddenly become aware that I’m only dressed in a pair of skimpy pajama shorts and a tank top. I’m not really bothered by this though because Sid has seen me naked quite a few times when we were little, and even the odd time since, when he’s been stoned and forgot to knock on my bedroom door. It’s easy to ignore my state of undress when the other person is as disinterested as Sid patently is. If it was Charlie though, it would be another story.
“Get under the covers Mabes, and warm up,” he orders, and I obey him, sinking onto his soft mattress and nestling into the sheets that are still warm from his body.
“Go on,” I prompt, smiling as he slides in next to me and pulls me over until I’m resting against him. I snuggle up happily feeling his familiar warmth envelop me. Sid’s always been tactile since we were kids, and it’s rare that I’ve ever been in a room without him hugging me or cuddling. Charlie’s never been entirely keen on this but Sid’s always done exactly what he wants.
“No, it’s not physical withdrawal,” he continues, stroking my hair slowly. “That’s gone now. It’s more habit than anything and in some ways that’s more dangerous than anything else. My counsellor warned me that to really give up the drugs I’ve got to leave my old life behind and find a new way of life with new friends.”
“Can you do that?” I ask, turning my head up to look at his eyes which are staring sightlessly up at the ceiling. “What about your friends?”
He gives me a wry look. “Don’t be tactful Mabes. I know yours and Charlie’s opinion of them. To be honest I always knew what they were like. They just filled a gap you know. The fact that none of them visited me and that they left me that night knowing I wasn’t alright just reinforced that.”
I nod, filled with fury at the image of them leaving him alone and dying and then I push it away and hark back to his earlier comment. “What gap did they fill?” I ask curiously, feeling that Sid is letting me see a place in him that others rarely see as they focus on his normal humorous exterior.
“I don’t know Mabes. Ever since I was a kid there’s just been a sort of empty hole in me that nothing seems to fill, and although I can ignore it in the day, at night it’s there front and centre. Having people around, taking drugs, just let me push it away when I felt it most.”
“What about Leah?” I say softly and he immediately shakes his head.
“I don’t want to talk about her Mabes, so drop it please.”
I nod slowly and make a mental note to speak to Charlie. I’ve got a bad feeling about Leah and the night he overdosed. Was she the one that left him? It wouldn’t surprise me because she’s always been selfish and Sid dying on her would have caused her a lot of problems. However, obeying his request I focus back on the conversation. “Sid, you know you always have me and Charlie,” I begin and he hushes me instantly.
“I know that Mabes,” he says somewhat sadly. “I always know that you both have my back, but you and Charlie have always just got each other. You’re like a little exclusive club of two, and I need to find something for me that’s all mine.”
“Charlie and I are not an exclusive club,” I say hotly and slightly embarrassed. I’m sure Sid’s always known that I’m in love with Charlie but he’s always been tactful enough to ignore it. He’s never mentioned it, even when he’s had to dry my tears after Charlie has disappeared with woman after woman, all under the fiction that I was worried about work, my feet hurt, my hamster died etc.
“Leave it Mabes,” he says simply. “You know what I’m talking about. I have to live a new life now.”
“What about the band?”
“I’m fine there hon. I never took drugs while I was working. I never needed them then because I was involved with the music. Work’s never been a problem because I’m truly happy then. Besides, the lads are instigating a drugs free zone around us so I’m not tempted. It’s just the rest of my life that’s a worry.”
I sit up excitedly. “But that’s where I can help you,” I say leaning forward and putting my hands on his abs. He’s still far too thin and I hate that I can feel the sharpness of his ribs. “I’m not at work at the moment.”
He opens his mouth to query this but I simply say ‘Charlie’ and he smiles. “I knew he’d get you away from that grumpy, dirty old git,” he says in satisfaction. “I’m only surprised he didn’t do it by breaking his hands.”
“No, he settled for emotional blackmail,” I say darkly, and he laughs. “I can help,” I continue. “I’ve researched this and everyone says that exercise helps because it gives you back control of your body, and taking up new hobbies helps as well.”
“I’m not taking up knitting,” he says darkly and I laugh.
“I don’t think you need a new hobby that involves needles,” I tease, and then I realize what I’ve said and I put my hand over my mouth in horror. “I’m so sorry,” I mutter, but it’s drowned out by his bellow of laughter, and he reaches out and drags me down to him holding my face firmly in his hands. “Oh, Mabes,” he gasps, “I do love you, really I do.”
Our moment of hilarity is abruptly killed by an icy voice from the doorway. “What the fuck is going on in here?”
I gasp and sit up quickly, inadvertently catching my elbow in Sid’s stomach who grunts, but I ignore him, focusing instead on Charlie who is standing there with his face dark with anger. My gaze lowers automatically to his fine body. He’s dressed similarly to Sid but in a pair of loose, plaid pajama shorts, but while Sid’s body had no effect on me, the same can’t be said for Charlie. I’m like one of Pavlov’s dogs, because I only have to see his lean, tanned torso with the six pack, the enticing glimpse of his v shaped muscles and the golden brown happy trail that disappears
into his shorts, and I start dribbling automatically.
I’m snapped back into reality by his next sharp question. “Well, I’m waiting. I asked you a question. Why is Mabe rolling around in bed with you Sid? Is there something going on here that I should know about?”
I gasp and I’m about to stammer out a denial but I’m stunned when Sid sits up, resting his back against the headboard and pulling me so that I’m almost on top of him. “What if there is?” he says calmly, and I’m stunned to see something like challenge on his face when he looks at Charlie. “What would you do about it Charlie, because you’ve got Noa haven’t you? As far as I can see Mabe is beautiful and single so there’s nobody stopping me is there?”
Charlie tenses all over and takes a sudden step forward and the atmosphere becomes heavy.
“For god’s sake,” I say shrilly, punching Sid in the side to make him loose his octopus grip on me. He doubles up laughing and I stare up at a still obviously furious Charlie. “He’s winding you up Charlie. Nothing’s going on. I just came to check on him and he’s having trouble sleeping so we were talking.”
“Is there any need for you to do that while you’re straddling him?” he replies icily, and coming over he grabs my hands to help me out of the bed. Unfortunately, I have to really straddle Sid to comply, and Sid immediately latches onto my hips making a groaning noise mixed with hysterical laughter.
“Unnhh Mabel,” he shouts dramatically. “Faster! Harder baby! I always knew you felt this way. Oof!“ The latter is because Charlie has a complete sense of humour failure and punches his brother until he lets me go, whereupon he grabs my hips and lifts me into the air until I’m standing next to him. He holds me to him until I’ve got my balance back. Sid meanwhile has completely collapsed onto the bed and is howling with laughter, until in the end even Charlie starts to smile, although it’s slightly strained.
“Okay, okay,” he says, grabbing my arm and towing me to the door. “Mabel is going back to sleep in her own bed and is not allowed in here unless she’s dressed properly.”
“What in a burka?” snorts Sid.
“Oh for god’s sake,” I mutter, seeing that Charlie might actually be considering this. For some reason he has never liked other men touching me. He touches me all the time. In fact we’re usually never in a room for long without him pulling me onto his lap or touching my face or hair. He’s a very tactile, warm man with those he trusts, but give him another man touching me and he’s like a dog peeing up a lamppost. It’s never gone down well with Noa and I do try to stay away from him when she’s there but Charlie seems to have the attitude that she has to get used to it as he refuses to stop. I once heard him tell her that I was his sister in all but name and would she get pissy if he held hands with Sid. This had been painful to hear but Viv thinks it’s necessary so that I can get over him.
“Will you be alright now Sid?” I ask. “I don’t want you to be on your own.”
Sobering up he smiles sweetly at me and for a second he looks just like he did when he was ten. “I’ll be fine now Mabes. I’ll read or something and then I’ll sleep.” I look at him searchingly and he puts his hand to his heart. “I Sidney, do solemnly swear that I won’t do anything that Mabel might regret,” he says, and although he’s joking, there’s an element of seriousness too and I relax slightly.
“Do you need anything mate?” asks Charlie, pausing at the door.
Sid stares at him for a long minute and the silence seems to hum. “I don’t need anything mate,” he says at last. “The important question is what do you really need and why aren’t you doing anything about it?”
Charlie looks at him intently for a second, and something seems to pass between the two brothers that I’m excluded from, and then he gives a clumsy shrug which is a surprisingly sloppy move for such a graceful man. It’s almost as if he’s shrugging something off and I wonder what they’re talking about. Probably some band worries I realize.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” Charlie finally says. “I’ll just see Mabe to her room and then I’ve got some lyrics that I wrote tonight that I want you to have a look at.”
Sid immediately brightens and I relax further as he bounds out of bed to get his guitar which is lying on the table underneath the window.
“You don’t have to walk me to my room,” I say wryly, as he shuts the door. “I’m pretty sure I know where it is and I’m not likely to be set upon by highwaymen in the twenty steps it takes me to get there. Jesus,” I gasp, as he suddenly twists and pushes me hard against the wall. He crowds up against me and I gasp as I feel his hard, warm body locked against me.
“What on earth are you doing?” I protest, somewhat breathlessly, as I try to push him away before my traitorous hands start pulling him into me. “Have you gone mad?” I gulp, as I meet his eyes for the first time since he pulled me out of Sid’s bed. His blue eyes look almost black and I realize that although he relented with Sid, he’s actually still furious with me.
“Yes I’ve gone mad,” he hisses. “In fact if I catch you in bed again with Sid I’ll have to be committed.”
“We weren’t doing anything,” I whisper shout, losing my temper now. I know he doesn’t want me but now I also know he doesn’t want Sid to have me, and I’m devastated to think that he sees me as so unworthy. Perhaps a hidden part of him thinks I’m like my mum with the drugs I wonder bitterly.
“You were doing enough,” he hisses, pushing my body back with his hips as I make a move to escape, and then we both still abruptly as his hips connect and I realize that he’s fully erect and his cock is pulsing against me. For a second, time seems to stop, and then almost unconsciously he starts to rock his hips against me and a low groan sounds in the back of his throat. I stare at him hypnotized and able to do nothing but pant as he lowers his head to mine.
“What’s taking you so long twatface ……..?” comes from Sid as he barrels out of his door. For a second he just stands there staring and I feel a blush coming over my face that is going to clash horribly with my hair. “Shit, sorry both,” he mutters, backing into his room. A shout sounds through his door making me start. “Carry on though both of you definitely. Don’t let me stop anything. As you were, sergeants!”
I giggle nervously, but then realize that Charlie is still standing stock still against me. In fact he hasn’t moved at all during the interruption.
We stare at each other for a long, pregnant silence and then I open my mouth to speak and hesitate. I don’t know what I’m going to say, probably something about Noa, but I know that I need to speak because the spell of whatever that was is definitely over and I really don’t need him to realize just how turned on I am.
“Don’t,” mutters Charlie, his voice like honeyed gravel. “Don’t say anything Mabes, just go to bed.”
He turns and moving stiffly he goes back into Sid’s room. There’s a decisive click from the door and I’m left alone in the corridor wondering what the hell that was all about.
Four
The next morning I wake up early, but cowardly, I lie there for a while wishing I had a way to invisibly transport myself back to my flat where I could secrete myself and continue with my ‘Keep Charlie at a Distance Plan’. I’m squirming at the thought of seeing him this morning. I know I definitely didn’t imagine that erection last night, but to my mind Charlie goes through so many women, an erection must almost be an automatic gesture to him when he meets a woman, like a hand shake would be to other men. Unfortunately, I’m not like that and he knows it and it’s the thought that he might have realized how much I want him and will feel sorry for me that is really making me squirm.
However, due to the fact that I’m not actually Dr Who, and that time travel isn’t therefore a viable option, I decide to grow a pair and get on with it. I roll out of bed and after showering I put my make up on in a subtle fashion that hopefully will make it look like I’m not trying too hard to impress Charlie. I dress with the same goal in mind in my old faded denim cut offs, a pale p
ink shell top with wine and white flowers on it and a pair of raspberry coloured Converse.
When I’m ready I decide to head into the lion’s den, which in this house is definitely the kitchen because this is where Mrs M holds court.
Mrs M has been Charlie’s housekeeper/cleaner since he got his first house years ago. She’s ancient looking with a wizened little face like a monkey, and bright orange hair which is usually teased into some sort of a beehive. However, evidence suggests that she still thinks that she’s twenty as she’s very fond of breaking into wild gyrating dancing particularly when the Rolling Stones come on. She’s always insisted that she spent a wild night in the 1960’s with Mick Jagger which Charlie says goes a long way to explaining why he’s aged so badly. She’s uncomfortably flirtatious with any male under the age of thirty, and an utter cow to any women that dare to enter Charlie’s house, but he refuses to get rid of her, saying that she makes him laugh and is a really valuable antidote to anyone looking to put a ring on his finger. As he puts it, where he goes so does Mrs M, and I know for a fact that she’s seen off two semi serious girlfriends so far. I presume she’s met her match with Noa though, who really doesn’t seem like the type to be intimidated by a pensioner.
I follow the extremely loud sound of Radio 1 down the stairs towards the kitchen, and as I get nearer I can hear both Mrs M’s strident tones and the lower masculine voices of the brothers. I take a deep breath and wipe my hands on my shorts before pushing the door open.
The kitchen is a huge room running along the back of the house with massive skylights, and French windows leading out onto the patio. The two men are sitting at the wide expanse of the scrubbed pine table in the middle of the room that can comfortably seat twelve people, while Mrs M is pottering around at the huge range oven. She’s wearing fishnet tights today, with extremely high ankle boots and a tight black dress whose hem is so short it nearly meets the low cut top which is showing some seriously wrinkled cleavage. Her hair is wildly backcombed and her scarlet lipsticked mouth is clenched tight around a cigarette which she removes as I enter to make her customary cackle of laughter at something Sid has just said.