by Lily Morton
He jerks in surprise and I realize he didn’t know. His face gets red. “He did what?” he asks in a cold voice.
“Fucked it and chucked it I believe you call it.”
“That fucking twat,” he growls. “I can’t believe he’s fucked up like this.” He stops, obviously thinking. “Viv says he’s got some bee in his bonnet about some text messages that got sent to you by mistake?”
I nod, the anger draining out of me. “That was fixable,” I say softly. “It’s the way that he reacted that makes it broken. He’s hurt me so much I can’t bear it. I know you want me to talk to him but I can’t get the sight of him and her out of my head. I can’t bear it Sid.” My voice hitches at the end and he nods in sad recognition.
“Okay darling,” he says stroking my hair. “I’ll tell him that he can’t come and see you today, but Mabe, I can’t keep him away forever honey. He’s going to want to comfort you because that’s what he does with you. This is going to be unbearable for him too. Talk to him when he comes,” he urges. “He’s going mad Mabes. He tried to get to you last night. We had to tackle him at the door and hold him down.”
“What?” I say jerking and look at Viv who nods, half smiling. I must have been out of it last night not to hear that. “Who stopped him?”
“Not just me,” shudders Sid. “I don’t get in Charlie’s way on my own when he’s on one. No, Seth and Bram came round and we all talked him down. I’m only allowed here this morning because he wants me to talk to you. So are you going to?”
I stare into space and then slowly shake my head and they both deflate a bit. “No, I can’t at the moment Sid. I’m still so angry at him. I trusted him the most out of everyone in my life and he didn’t trust me. He hurt me and I just don’t want to see him.”
Sid sighs heavily. “Okay, I get that but Mabes I’m telling you, you won’t have long. At the risk of repeating myself, he’ll come for you if you don’t go to him.”
I nod in acknowledgement but I can’t think of anything to say now. I’m all out of words.
“Okay darling,” he says in a hard voice. “I’m gonna go home and kick the shit out of my fuckwit of a brother. You be good okay?”
I nod and he exchanges hugs with Viv and then he’s gone. We sit in silence until the door slams and then Viv turns to look at me. “Okay honey, where do you want to go because that man is not going to be far behind?”
I’m surprised. “You’re not going to try and talk me out of this?“
“Nope,” she smiles. “You’re not ready yet. Okay,” she slaps her thigh and gets to her feet. “I’ve got an idea.”
“What?”
“I tell you what, I’ll make a phone call while you wash up and if it pans out alright, I’ll tell you then.”
She leaves and I hear her on the phone while I wash up and then suddenly I hear Charlie’s voice coming over the radio. It’s an old love song of theirs. They don’t do a huge amount of these but they’re always beautiful. He’s crooning about loving and losing a girl and the sound of his voice when part of me is longing so much to be near him makes my knees weak and I collapse onto a chair clutching the tea towel with tears in my eyes. I hear the doorbell ring and the sound of voices but there’s no shouting so I relax and stay where I am.
Viv finds me here when she gets back. She’s carrying an absolutely huge bouquet of lilies in a massive crystal vase and the scent is overpoweringly sweet. I inhale it greedily as they’re my favourite flower and I sniffle when Viv sets the card in front of me and taps it. In Charlie’s bold writing I read:
Mabes, I’m so sorry. I miss you so much. Please let me come to you. I need to tell you what happened. It’s not what you think.
“Yes,” she says thoughtfully. “I think my idea might be just right.” At my look of enquiry she carries on. “I’ve just spoken to John.”
“Oh Viv, I think involving him in this is a huge mistake. You know what Charlie will do to him if he turns up again.”
“Can I finish please?” she says and I sit back and wave her on. “Relax, he’s not going to meet Charlie because that would be like putting a puppy in the big, hungry lion’s den. No, it’s more to do with his holiday home. I’ve spoken to him and he’s going to let us have it for a few weeks.”
“Really?”
“Yes and I think it’ll be the best thing for you Mabes. You can get some sunshine and some peace. Lie in the sun, read, maybe look at the one million text messages on your phone.” At my look she laughs. “Okay maybe not. So what do you think?”
“I think it’s brilliant Viv.” Just the idea of being away from everything makes me a bit happier, and then a thought strikes me. “Can you get the time off from work? I don’t want you losing your job.”
“Relax, my aunt died,” she smiles. I blink at her.
“You haven’t got one,” I say a bit slow on the uptake. “Aah, okay.”
“Yep. John’s going to smooth it for me and I’m owed loads of holiday time anyway. What do you say, shall we head out to the South of France?”
“Geneviève you are the best friend a girl ever had.”
“I know it bitch!”
***
The next afternoon finds us at Heathrow airport waiting for our flight. John’s been brilliant. He let us stay at his house yesterday and last night on the pretext of giving us the keys to his house, but really so that Charlie, or the florist, as Viv says, can’t find us anymore. Bouquet after bouquet arrived and my phone beeped so much I ended up switching it off. Anyway, we stayed there while I stared into space, and Viv occupied herself by ordering me a whole new holiday wardrobe online for next day delivery. I don’t know what the hell she’s packed in my suitcase and I don’t care. My only intention for the next couple of weeks is to lie by the pool and try not to think, because if I so much as let my thoughts go to him then intense pain grips me and a panic that I’m wrong and that I’ll never see him again.
We’re currently standing in the bookshop while Viv buys up most of the Top Fifty paperbacks and stocks up on magazines, when she snorts. I look to where she’s pointing and stiffen. Charlie is on the front page of the paper in a picture clearly showing him with a whopper of a black eye. I grab the paper and quickly read the article. “It says no one knows how he got it, but they’ve got a picture from the awards ceremony the other night of Noa slapping him. Rumour says that it’s either Noa, me or a jealous boyfriend,” I say in disgust, throwing it back onto the pile. My hands are shaking and I feel hot just looking at him. Viv peers at the picture over my shoulder.
“Sid got him good huh?” she says casually.
“Viv, it’s awful. They shouldn’t be hitting each other at all. They’re brothers for god’s sake.”
“Mabel did you sustain brain damage the other night because I distinctly remember the many punch ups that they’ve had over the years and so should you. Good for Sid. Maybe a good punch rattled his brain back into place.”
“I can’t talk about this,” I mutter, making my way to the boarding gate as she trails along behind me.
“You’re going to have to in the end though,” she says sympathetically. “Because I can’t imagine that you want this state of affairs to continue with both of you miserable as sin.”
“Later,” is my only response.
Our flight gets in a few hours later and we walk out into the scented darkness of a South of France night. John has even arranged a driver for us, a little man called Antoine with a huge moustache and the most amazingly rotund beer belly, who picks us up and whisks us away at breakneck speed into the hills around Cannes. He stops the car at a pair of huge gates and I gasp as they swing open to show a beautiful, low slung, white villa covered in bougainvillea with lights burning bright and welcoming in the windows.
It turns out to be the most amazing place I’ve stayed in for a while. Tiled floors lead into a huge lounge with floor to ceiling windows looking out over the shimmering lights of Cannes. I venture outside and stand by the swimming pool in
haling the scent of lavender. For a split second I reach for my phone, because whenever anything amazing happens my first instinct is always to call him, and apparently that’s not changed. I make myself move my hand away and stand still until the pain goes. When it does I meander back into the house. I find Viv in one of the bedrooms unpacking her suitcase onto a huge double bed.
“The other bedroom’s next door,” she says. “It looks out over the pool so I thought you might like that, and it’s got an en suite bathroom with the most ginormous claw foot bath in it which, get this, sits in front of a window overlooking the sea.”
“Being a barrister must pay well?” I say, and try to smile.
“Yeah, not so much for a paralegal though,“ she replies, wrinkling her nose.
“Definitely not for unemployed PA’s either,” I say, rubbing her arm as I wander into what will be my room. It is beautiful like Viv says, and my bed is even bigger with a massive canopy over it through which lavender and sheer curtains are threaded. They billow in the breeze from an open window and I smell the herby, fresh fragrance again. It’s achingly romantic and suddenly I miss Charlie so much I have to sit and take deep breaths. It’s going to get better I reassure myself and make myself start unpacking my case. This is a bit of a magical mystery tour because I don’t recognize anything that comes out of it. I unpack tiny bikinis and bright, sheer cover ups, simply cut dresses in pale colours that will flatter a tan and deep rich colours that will flatter my hair. Shorts and sexily elegant t-shirts emerge, as well as amazingly sensual underwear sets and sheer silky nighties. I’m holding up a pretty white bra with orange flowers on it that comes with a matching thong when I see Viv watching me. I twirl the knickers at her and she smiles.
“Everyone needs a new wardrobe to help get under a new man,” she murmurs.
“I don’t want a new man,” I say harshly.
“I know,” she says soothingly. “Maybe you need to think about what that statement means while we’re here eh?”
A week later and I’m still thinking about it. It’s been a very restful week. We’ve lain in the sun until we’re both as brown as berries and my hair has deep caramel highlights in it. We’ve read and exchanged books and magazines, and talked late into the night over beautiful meals cooked by John’s French housekeeper, a little wizened old lady who speaks no English and communicates only in smiles. We’ve ventured out into nearby villages and walked along the front in St Tropez admiring the millionaires’ yachts. The only thing we haven’t done is talk about Charlie, and as I lie by the pool this morning flipping my phone on and off I see Viv approaching and I just know that that respite is over.
She sits down with two hot chocolates and hands me one of the big chunky cups while nodding at the phone. “Are you going to read your messages?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s stopping you Mabe, and don’t say it’s about that girl. He’s sworn on yours and Sid’s life that nothing happened.” I gasp and she nods because Charlie never swears on that. “Apparently, according to Sid he was shitfaced and she came onto him and he told her no. He says you’ve ruined him for other women forever because he couldn’t even kiss her. She just sat there with him drinking while he talked about you for hours and then he passed out. He remembers her being fully clothed at this point so she must have undressed herself.”
“And you believe that?”
Viv looks at me with a very forceful glance. “Actually I do for four reasons. One, he’s in love with you and he finally had what he’s wanted all these years. Charlie’s a fighter so his instinct would be to sort it out with you, not let you go. Secondly, he’s sworn on yours and Sid’s life which is sacrosanct to him. Thirdly, he was staying at Bram’s house while he was gone. According to Bram all he talked about was you and how he’s in love with you, to the extent that Bram was glad to see him go home. That girl had been hanging round Bram’s house with Alys and she offered to take him home but although she came onto him while they were at Bram’s he never displayed even the remotest interest in her. When he left he said he was going to talk to you and fight for you so why would he fuck her?”
“I don’t know. Things change quickly around Charlie. What’s the fourth reason?”
“The girl told Alys the exact same thing I’ve just told you. She said Charlie was very boring for a rock star going on and on about some girl all the time. She thought she’d try her luck when he woke up, but according to her some barmy woman and a man in a suit turned up and everything went a bit mad.”
“Will she go to the papers with the story?”
“No, Bram paid her off and she’s signed something so she can’t come back for more.”
“How do you know all this?”
“I’ve spoken to Sid,” she admits. “He says he’s never seen Charlie so bad. He won’t eat, he’s lost weight and he looks terrible. Sid says it’s the first time he’s ever been so bored by him that he’s considered smothering him.”
I smile involuntarily and then it fades.
“Mabes, I love you and I have to say that to me this is fixable. Charlie loves you and he’s the most loyal and honest man I’ve ever met.”
“What about all the women he’s fucked over the years?”
“I know he’s been a whore, but Mabe he never made any of them any promises. He always told them that it wasn’t going anywhere. If they chose to sleep with him then that was their choice. If you think about it the only promises he’s ever made to anyone he’s kept religiously. To be honest I think he behaved like a bit of a twat, but Mabe, he’s in love with you and he had reason to be hurt. The messages weren’t meant for you but you’ve got to ask yourself how you would have felt if the roles had been reversed and you’d read those messages on his phone.”
I jerk at the thought of him with someone else. Someone else knowing the power and beauty of that body. Someone else laughing with him and loving him.
Viv watches me closely. “I think that’s your answer. You need to think how you’re going to feel if he stops waiting for you and moves on, and then you have to witness him being happy when you had that chance and never took it.”
“I miss him so much,” I say and the pain is in my voice. “I pick up the phone to ring him every five minutes. He’s woven so deep into the thread of my life I can’t unpick him.”
“Do you want to?”
I’m silent for a second. “No.” I finally say and Viv sighs. “I love him Viv but he hurt me so much. The way he reacted showed how little he trusts me and how can I be with someone like that whose first instinct is just to leave me. It hurts enough now, and I only had him properly for a night. It’s going to destroy me if it happens after a few months or a few years. Besides which, he’s never actually said that he loves me. You could be reading a lot into what was essentially a one night stand.”
“It wasn’t that. It never could be that between the two of you, but that’s something you both need to sort out between you. Are you ready to read his messages now?” I nod, and she jumps to her feet. “Good. I feel the need to celebrate because I sense our holiday will be coming to an end soon. How about we get dressed up tonight and go into Cannes, maybe go to a club? What do you think?”
“Oh Viv I don’t know whether I fancy that,” I say in alarm. “I’m only reading his messages, not going back to him.”
“We’ll see,” she says and wanders off.
Looking at my phone I take a deep breath and power it up. Once it’s switched on it starts to ding like mad and I’m amazed to see that I have over one hundred messages from him. Three of them are frantic voice messages. His voice is hitching when he speaks and I know he’s crying and tears come to my eyes:
“Where are you sweetheart? Please ring me. I’m so sorry baby. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I can’t get the sight of you on the floor out of my head. Please, please just let me know that you’re not hurt.”
“I’m going mad here. I need to see you and touch you Mabe and make it right again. Ple
ase call me.”
“Sweetheart, I never did anything with that girl. She brought me home and then I started drinking and she just sat there while I talked about you. I swear to you on everything I’ve got that I didn’t sleep with her or touch her. You’re the only one I want Mabe. This is so fucked up. I can’t believe how fucked up we are.”
It does strike me that it isn’t until the third message that he mentions the girl. The fact that this wasn’t his immediate concern does make me doubt that he did anything with her. If he had, that would have been his first thought.
Then I read his messages:
Charlie: Okay, Sid says you’re with Viv and you don’t want to see me. I’ll leave you alone because I know you’re hurt but this isn’t over.
Charlie: You’re going to talk to me if I have to lie out by your car for days.
After a few more like this I gasp at the next one:
Charlie: Mabe, I can’t stand this. I can’t stand the idea that you’re hurting and I can’t help you. I can’t stand it that I caused this. I do trust you. I trust you more than any other person I know. I was just so angry when I read those messages and thought you were playing me. I was just so afraid. Now you know how fucked up I am I’m not surprised you’re leaving.
Why was he afraid? He’s so confident. He must know how gorgeous he is and what an amazing boyfriend he’d make.
The messages go on and on and the most heartbreaking ones are those which detail his day and his thoughts. As he says in one:
Charlie: I can’t talk to you at the moment so I’m writing this. It’s not the same without you being nearby, feeling you give me a hug or smelling your hair. I miss you every minute of every day and I can’t stand the thought that I’ve lost you and the only person to blame for that is me. You’re the first person I think of to talk about anything and everything, and I even miss your constant piss taking and bad jokes. I’ll just have to pretend you’ve only gone for a bit and I’ll see you soon. I’ve been thinking of my Split Second Song and the one that really sums up you and I is ‘Ashes and Wine’ by A Fine Frenzy. Please listen to it because it says what I haven’t got the words to say anymore.