{ ²Jimmy Choo: a Malaysian Chinese fashion designer based in London, United Kingdom, known for his handmade women's shoes.
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~ Chapter 16 ~
(Summer – 2018)
A Twisted Covenant
My head was still resting upon the headrest of the couch when I heard the front door open and close with a bang. Jacob had never known how to close a door nicely. For some reason, he always had to slam the hell out of it. I closed my eyes and let my breathing even out and elongate, letting my entire body relax when I felt Ramona move again. This time, she got up from the couch and a moment later the room plunged into silence. She had turned off the god forsaken reality show. I was so thankful I opened my eyes. I half expected to see her with her hands on her hips, one foot tapping impatiently. I was pleasantly surprised to find, she wasn’t standing at all. Rather, she was sitting on the plush carpeting, cross-legged, facing Katie and I, gazing at us, over the surface of the coffee table. I chanced a quick look at Katie, who was staring at Ramona with a quizzical expression on her face. She wasn’t entirely oblivious of the other girl’s intentions, and that made her curious. Katie was sometimes drawn to conflict. It intrigued her.
It was Ramona who broke the quiet. “So, Estefan, you ready to tell me what was going on in here when Jacob and I were knocking on the door?”
Wasn’t it sometimes nice to just mince words for a while before getting directly down to fucking knitty-gritty? Je-zuz, ramrod the crap out of me why don’t you!
At my side, I felt Katie’s body go stiff, her toes digging into me reflexively. My eyes fell upon her. I could see she was flushing so incredibly fierce her whole face went pink, even the upper portions of her neck and chest went pale red. Her blue-green eyes froze, boring into Ramona. She was poised, waiting. It was so profound she didn’t even bother to hiding it. She was waiting for my girlfriend to make a move.
I cleared my throat and sat up straight, my gaze turning back to Ramona. She was peering back without any distinguishable cast to her face. She didn’t look mad or sad. There was no accusation in her eyes, no blame at the corner of her mouth, nothing. To me, it appeared as though she had asked the question out of pure curiosity and nothing more. Total bullshit that, there had been intent behind the question, it wasn’t innocuous. She knew exactly what she was doing. I knew she’d never ask a question of that magnitude just for the sake of asking it.
Yet, if she could be adult about this, then so could I. I decided right then and there, the only way I could show her a degree of respect was to be honest. After all, I was the one who had messed up
“Katie and I were making out.”
I managed to say five of the six words before my throat constricted and the last one came out more like a squeal than any word spoken in English. At the same time, I tried not to hear Katie’s gasp of shock. It wasn’t like she felt I had betrayed. No, she hadn’t thought I’d be strong enough to tell the truth. She was surprised I chose honesty and had decided against deception and deflection – the typical male weapons of choice in the war-chest of infidelity.
Ramona chewed on what I said for a bit. Her face skewed behind a one eyed squint and a smirk. “So, it is true, then,” was all she said, which confused the fuck out of me.
I felt my own face pinch, wondering what the hell she had meant by that…
It was Katie who vocalized my question though. “What’s true?”
“Well, it seems our Effy here had an ex-girlfriend,” and even though she hadn’t finished explaining, I knew exactly where this was going. I rolled my eyes and inhaled a huge amount of bad thoughts at Tirza. Motherfucken, titty-sucken, two-balled BITCH!!! “Let’s just say she was, or is, very, very angry about something he said, while they were fucking their brains out in this very house.”
Katie’s brows knitted deeper as Ramona’s tone began to fill with glee.
My girlfriend continued to my chagrin. “Apparently – at least this is what Tirza’s been saying around school - just as he squirted his load into her one day, he moaned the name Katie out loud. She said she heard it clearly and it sickened her so much, she couldn’t be with him any longer.” Katie’s eyes were huge now. Ramona went on, “The funny thing though, she thinks he was referring to some girl that goes to our school. She even confronted the poor girl before she broke up with Estefan. All this time, she never had a clue, he was actually thinking about you.” My girlfriend crossed her arms under her ample bosom, nodding pointedly in my direction.
I could feel Katie’s eyes digging into the side of my face, but I was so embarrassed this intimate and very personal, tidbit of information had gotten out, I couldn’t look at her.
“Estefan?” she called to me. I reluctantly turned her way. “Did you really say my name while you came into another girl?”
I mean, what could I say? I knew I was treading on thin ice on so many different levels it was mind boggling. One misstep and I’d be drowning in the bullshit. So, realistically it would prove so entirely disadvantageous to add more to the mix by lying. When she asked me, it was like I had been water-boarded for three days, my will to resist was already broken.
“Yes, I did.”
“Wow,” was all Katie said.
“I think it is so much more than merely a ‘wow’,” countered Ramona, a slight edge emerging in her tone. “My boyfriend, the guy I have been dating for almost a year now, the very same guy I’ve given my heart, my mind and my body - in just about every way imaginable - has been secretly pining for another girl all this time. And, this girl just so happens to be his first cousin.
“No, Kate, this is so much more than a ‘wow’.”
I could feel my stomach sinking to my feet, entirely certain this was going to end up a cluster-fuck of such epic proportions. I could clearly see it, my family would never be the same.
“You know, Ramona, I have to apologize, because you are absolutely correct. This is so far beyond anything I could readily explain. I’ve so over simplified the entire situation,” replied Katie without so much as a hint of guile, it jarred me from my thoughts. “What makes this whole thing so much more confusing and so much more entangled, is the fact, if it had been me on that day and not the other girl. If he said my name as he came into me, I would’ve said his name right back. I would’ve arched back into him, and I would have accepted everything that would have spilled from him into me with pleasure.
“I can’t lie here. I have to tell the truth. I feel for him exactly what he feels for me. I’m saying this, I am admitting my innermost taboo, to you, right now, because I think you’re mature and you’re being very forthcoming. You haven’t made a big deal out of this, so I can do no less. I have to speak the truth about what I feel. I cannot put it more plainly than that. You deserve that.”
Holy crap, Katie, brutal honesty! I shouted silently.
An extremely awkward silence lengthened about us. It was a very, very, very long, awkward absence of sound that had me clenched from asshole to eyebrow.
Ramona’s smile was small and tight, and didn’t animate her face. I figured this would be the time when she would lose it and all hell would break loose. It wasn’t.
“That’s what makes this issue even more bizarre, Katie,” her tone was strained, but she held her emotions in check, speaking in measured syllables. “Because I know you would’ve done that. I think subconsciously I have known there was something between you guys. Maybe unrealized and unconsummated, but it’s there. I’ve heard you’re name on Effy’s lips when he sleeps. I’ve seen you and him in my dreams for months now. You both always look so happy together, as if you share some secret about the world only you two have the ability to know.
“You see, with me, things always start with my dreams. When something becomes repetitive, I know it is time to pay attention. The rumor about what went on between Estefan and Tirza was the icing on the cake, but only that. I had already figured out there was much, much beneath all of that on my own.” S
he paused to take a few breaths.
Katie and I both knew she wasn’t done, so we stayed silent.
“I can see how you feel about him. I see it your eyes, the way you position your body, the way you wait for him to finish talking before you allow yourself to speak. Your feelings are plainly written with everything you do around him. It’s more than being close family members. It makes me feel like it’s an ocean when it should be a pond. There is, by far, more depth to your interactions, the expressions you share – all of it. The fact that you two go out of your way to avoid one another is a big clue as well. It tells me there’s something intense between you guys, something huge and scary. I can see what it is now. You love him, and… no matter how much it hurts me, I know he loves you back.
She swallowed as though she’d taken a bite of something. “But that doesn’t discount in any way what I feel about him. It doesn’t make it any less real or important to me just because you are willing to risk whatever it takes to be with him, even if it shatters your whole family.
“If I were in your shoes, I’d be willing to risk it all as well. Shit, if he asked me right now to run away with him, I would. If he asked me to have his babies, I would, because from the moment I saw him walking with his ex-girlfriend years ago, I liked him and… I wanted to be with him.” This was when I noticed there were tears in her eyes, though she hadn’t moved, though her breathing remained the same. This was a dignified release of feeling and it tugged at my heart, because it was so god damned heroic. I say that, because if you knew Ramona like I did – do – you couldn’t feel any other way about it. Watching her bear her soul to a potential rival, putting her heart out there for all of us to see was like something out of literature or a classic film. This was something this young, head-strong woman had never done in the past, at least not in front of me. This was something new.
Fuck Ramona, don’t make it this hard! I could feel the tears coming.
“I changed, after hanging around him this long, I am no longer the little girl chasing after boys and making a fool of myself. Shit, Katie, I don’t even think I’m the same person, I have changed so much. I can see into people now. I can see the good in them – the bad too, but in a much smaller proportion – but hey, I can see them. I actually take the time to see them and try to know them for who and what they are. I was never able to do that until Estefan came into my life. This is much more for me than just his friendship, his care, even sex - which so good. For me, it has become so much more, so much I don’t think I could ever properly describe it. I don’t have the words.”
I was staring at her like I had met her for the first time. She had never come close to mentioning anything she had just confessed to Katie about me, or about us, or anything! She always came across as if I was no more to her than a good time and a hot lay. She had never said anything about me having a positive impact on her life or what she felt was something more than just the two of us hanging out. Where the fuck had all of this extraneous shit come from? I’m not saying it made me angry, because everything she’d said about me was astonishingly good, but even with my beloved cousin sitting next to me, I wish she had said something earlier. By waiting this long to express herself, she had made what I intended to do infinitely more difficult.
“I know exactly how you feel,” murmured Katie, but her voice carried to both of us. I glanced at her with only half a mind of what she meant. Only, because, last night and earlier this morning, she had mentioned something similar to what Ramona was saying right now. It was something about change, wasn’t it Katie? I was asking silently.
“What do you mean?” said Ramona, seemingly curious about Katie’s perspective, her eyes narrowed with renewed focus.
Katie peered up from her lap and met the other girl’s gaze. “He makes me feel like I can do anything when I am around him, like I can be a better person, because I’m special. I am unique and not some freak. That calms me and makes me feel comfortable, and loved. I can think more clearly, because it originates from a more stable, a more centered, part of myself. I wouldn’t be capable getting there without him being around to begin with.” She paused to swallow. Then she reached out and squeezed the upper portion of my arm. I felt my heart lurch into my throat in an instant, afraid Ramona would explode in a jealous rage.
She did nothing of the sort. She sat there and let one tear fall down her face, her eyes filled with so much hurt. Somehow, through everything she was witnessing, I could see longing, a wellspring of hope and desire delved so deeply into her, I swear I could see it there, burned on her soul.
I was speechless, numb, stunned. Was it true? Could I have that sort of effect on someone and not see it before? Who was this girl, Ramona? How come I had never seen her before? Where had she been hiding all of this time? Why the fuck had I not known this! Was I really that dense, that obtuse I didn’t have the ability to recognize people were multi-dimensional. I should’ve guessed everyone - even the simplest personality - could be incalculably complex. What kind of asshole had I turned into? I felt my vision blur with frustrated tears. I tried to focus on Katie, not sure of what I would see.
She had shifted her body so that her feet, now positioned away from me, were touching the outer arm of the couch. Her body was closer, almost as if she was leaning toward me. She held herself upright by placing her hand on my bicep. Even through the emotion welling in my eyes, I could see the same wanting in hers. I knew I was in deeper trouble than I ever imagined before. What the fuck was I going to do?
“What am I going to do?” asked Katie, as if she had read my mind, her voice on the verge of cracking. “I want him, Ramona, so much that I know I will fight just about anyone, or anything, to have him. I am so god damned tired of settling, of trying to make myself forget how I truly feel. I am sick of deluding myself that I can’t go there, because we’re related. I don’t care if I’d be considered a freak forever, because I have let myself fall in love with my cousin. Because, when I look into myself, where it counts, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t, and yet I understand what you’re saying as well. Just because I have known him since we were little kids, doesn’t make what you feel for him any less strong.
“And, look at me,” she continued, pointing at her chest with her other hand, now her tears were flowing. “I’m the idiot who ran away. I ran half way across the country in a stolen car with a loser boyfriend. I did it just to come to California and be closer to Eff. Me, the stupid girl who was willing to screw her way all the way here, so that I could be next to him. I wasn’t even sure if he’d have me!
“I did it all on purpose. I said fuck you to my parents, fuck you to my brothers and sisters, and fuck you to my self-respect and fuck you to everything I had back in Oklahoma with one shred of hope. I had one dream. That somehow, through a miraculous series of random events, I just might be lucky enough to find myself in my aunt’s house. When my only goal, all along, was to betray her every sense of propriety and be with her son. I did it on purpose!” She stopped and buried her face in her hands. She was consumed with huge wracking sobs.
I felt sick to my stomach, knowing there was a lot unsaid about what Katie had done to get here. I knew whatever it was, it was going to be bad to have to listen to. Ah, fuck me! Sometimes the simple thoughts depicted are more than a thousand words could ever have dreamed. I ran my hands over my bald scalp, massaging it as I went along the smooth surface. This was just all so fucked up that I think I threw reason into the incinerator. I told myself, stay with the truth and follow Katie’s lead. I suddenly didn’t care if Ramona was there or not. I reached for my cousin and held her tight in my arms as she wept with abandoned for the second time in less than a day.
Almost at once, she scrambled onto my lap and held me back. Her small arms encircled my neck as she cried on my chest, her face hidden. I rested my chin on her shoulder and turned my head. I was just in time to see Ramona walk from the other side of the coffee table and climb onto the couch on her knees and put her arms around the both of
us. She squeezed us so hard and with so much warmth, I can honestly tell you, it was the moment I fell in love with her. For me, it was no longer about partying alongside her or having wild, daring sexual encounters. My heart opened and accepted her into the centermost parts of me, where Katie had dwelt for many years. It was that special place where life long bonds were formed, where they were so strong they were virtually impossible to break unless we broke them ourselves. No external force could even dent them. We sat there, the three of us, like a ball of human compassion. I prayed to God there would always be enough room in that special place for the both of them.
Ten minutes later, her feelings spent, Katie‘s sobs subsided. She seemed to realize it was more than just me hugging her. She stiffened abruptly and glanced over her shoulder and into Ramona’s eyes. I watched as my girlfriend brushed the hair out of her face with her right hand. She was staring directly into my cousin’s bloodshot orbs.
Though I was right there, less than half a foot from them, I could have been a million miles away as far as either of them was concerned.
Ramona’s voice was like throaty silk as she spoke, “We can’t let the past control who we are in the present or who we will be in the future. Otherwise, we will forget the lessons we have learned. We will be consumed with regret over things we can’t change. We will cease to be, Katie, and that is a fate worse than death as far as I’m concerned. I have known you long enough to know that I don’t want that fate for you. I will be here for you if you should ever need me.”
Through a nose clogged with mucus from her weeping, Katie didn’t hesitate to respond. “Even if I want to be with Estefan, even if I want to take him from you and keep him to myself, will you still want to be there, after I become a total bitch in your eyes?”
“Yes, because I have a feeling something very uncommon is about to happen,” was Ramona’s answer that made both Katie and myself squint with questions. We both settled back a few inches from her not sure of what she meant by what she’d just said.
Shadow Seed 1: The Misbegotten Page 22