—JERRY JUHL AND JACK BURNS
My car insurance is with one of those companies that questions everything. I think I’ve got the One-Hundred-Dollar Debatable.
My license plate says PMS. Nobody cuts me off.
—WENDY LIEBMAN
Why do women have such trouble parking cars?
Because all their lives they’ve been told that this [hold hands a few inches apart] is eight inches.
Americans are broad-minded people. They’ll accept the fact that a person can be a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn’t drive, there’s something wrong with him.
—ART BUCHWALD
I like doing things to help people. People don’t wear their seat belts anymore. I figure, I’ll make fuzzy clothes and make seats out of Velcro.
—ANDY ANDREWS
Anybody abuse rental cars? If I’m really bored, I’ll take one to Earl Scheib and have it painted for $29.95. This really messes up their paperwork for months and months. The thing that bothers me is when you have to return one with a full tank of gas. It makes everybody mad. They say bring it back full. You know what I do now? I just top it off with a garden hose.
—WIL SHRINER
Television sets are becoming very popular in automobiles these days. My uncle has a television set in his automobile, but it led to a little trouble. You see, he was sitting in the car, watching television, while his wife was driving on the highway at sixty miles per hour. Then the commercial came on, and he stepped out to go to the bathroom.
—JACKIE CLARK
What is happening when you hear varoom . . . screech, varoom . . . screech, varoom . . . screech?
A moron is trying to drive through an intersection with a flashing red light.
A man walked up to the counter of an auto-parts store. “Excuse me,” he said, “I’d like to get a new gas cap for my Yugo.”
“Sure,” the clerk replied. “Sounds like a fair exchange to me.”
What does a moron say when you ask her if her blinker is on? It’s on. It’s off. It’s on.
It’s off. It’s on. It’s off.
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you’ll pass eventually.
Liz: But I’m the examiner!
If you don’t like the way women drive, get off the sidewalk.
What do you call the owner of an American-made car?
A pedestrian.
Celebrities
Michael Jackson
A salesman was in Dallas, Texas, for the first time. He wandered into a bar and proceeded to down a pretty fair number of straight Jack Daniels in a couple of hours, becoming quite sloshed.
Suddenly, he noticed Michael Jackson on a news program on the bar’s TV. “There’s the biggest horse’s ass who ever walked on earth,” he exclaimed.
With that, the cowboy sitting next to him stood, punched him in the jaw, and sat back down on the bar stool.
“Whew,” said the salesman, climbing back up on his bar stool. “I better be careful what I say. I had no idea I was in Michael Jackson country.”
“You aren’t in Michael Jackson country, you idiot,” replied the bartender, “you’re in horse country!”
The Kennedys
Why did Maria Shriver marry Arnold Schwarzenegger?
So they could breed a bulletproof Kennedy.
G. Gordon Liddy, Oliver North, and Ted Kennedy are captured by the enemy and sentenced to fifty lashes for spying. The colonel was in a kindly mood, and allowed them a choice of something to put on their backs.
“What do you want on your back, Liddy?” the colonel barked.
“Nuthin,” huffed Liddy. He received his lashes without a sound.
“What do you want on your back, North?”
“Suntan oil please,” answered North. As the whip descended time after time, North screamed in pain.
“What do you want on your back, Teddy?” the colonel asked for the third time.
“Liddy,” answered Kennedy.
Jack Lemmon
What does a caddie say to Jack Lemmon, who, when lying tenth and facing a thirty-five-foot putt, asks him for advice on how a putt will break?
Who cares?
Willie Nelson
What has a 175 legs and 5 teeth?
The front row of a Willie Nelson concert.
Richard Nixon
Did you hear they’re building an archive for the Nixon papers?
No admission charge—but you have to break in.
Miscellaneous Celebrities
Ed Sullivan and a friend were at a huge gathering, and his friend was amazed at all the people whom Ed knew. “Actually, I think I know every important person in the world,” said Ed, “and then some.”
“Come on,” said his friend, “that’s impossible.”
“Well, pick someone and I’ll tell you if I know him,” said Sullivan.
“OK, how about the Pope?”
“Of course I know the Pope.”
“Prove it,” said his friend.
So, eager to prove the point, Ed and his friend traveled to Vatican City. When they arrived, hundreds of thousands of people were milling about St. Peter’s Square, waiting to hear the Pope. Standing way in the back, Ed said to his friend, “You wait here, and in twenty minutes you’ll see me on the balcony talking to the Pope. And just so that you know it’s me, I’ll wear this bright orange jacket.”
An hour goes by, and there is no sign of Ed on the balcony with the Pope. The friend, thinking Ed had duped him all along, starts looking around at the crowd. Suddenly, an elderly Italian man taps the friend on the shoulder and says, “Hey, sonny, who’s that guy up there with Mr. Sullivan?”
Hubert Humphrey was asked to be an adviser on a university student’s dissertation. A request he accepted with delight. All proceeded well, and on the date the paper was due, the student delivered a nicely bound copy. Two months went by and the student hadn’t heard a word. So, he went to Mr. Humphrey’s office and asked him what he thought of the paper. “Well,” said Mr. Humphrey, “I think it needs to be redone.”
Although dejected, the student decided to take another crack at the project.
And two months later, the student delivered the new version to Mr. Humphrey, and another month went by without hearing a word.
So, again, the student went to see Mr. Humphrey, and again, Mr. Humphrey told him it had to be redone.
Totally beside himself, the student went back to the drawing board and rewrote the paper for a third time. Two months later he returned to Mr. Humphrey’s office with the new term paper in hand, and said to him, “I’ve re-researched and rewritten to the extent that I’ve left no stone unturned and no thought unanalyzed. There is just nothing more I can do.”
“OK,” said Mr. Humphrey, “I guess I read this one.”
O.J. Simpson went off and joined the French Foreign Legion. Stationed at a desert in Northern Africa, he asked the regimental sergeant major:
“What do you men do for sex out here?”
“Well, there’s this camel out back,” replied the sergeant major.
“How disgusting. I’d never consider such an outrageous thing,” said O.J.
After six months, O.J. once again went to see the sergeant major.
“Take me to that damn camel, but make sure none of the other men know anything about it.”
“Yes, sir.”
It was really terrible, and when he was through, O.J. was thoroughly disgusted with himself.
“Do the men really use the camel this way?” O.J. asked the sergeant major.
“Oh, no, they ride it down the path to a nearby whorehouse.”
What do Pete Rose and the Mafia have in common?
More than three thousand hits.
Charity
“Billy, this morning I was inspired to see on the news that before coming here you were at the opening of Tempura House, the new shelter for lightly battered women.”
Young Mrs. Townsend wanted very much to participate in the correct charities, and when the annual Junior League Easter Charity Ball came around, she volunteered to head the committee. It took a lot of organizing, but the party went off without a hitch, and she dined and danced into the wee hours.
When the festivities ended, she was dismayed to observe a bag lady bundled on the sidewalk next to her Saab Turbo. Hearing the rustle of Mrs. Townsend’s taffeta skirts, the old woman extended a grimy palm and asked the socialite if she could spare any change.
“Oooh,” gasped Mrs. Townsend, “the nerve, and after I spent all night slaving to help people like you! Aren’t you ever satisfied?”
Remember the poor—it costs nothing.
—JOSH BILLINGS
Tis always more blessed to give than to receive; for example, wedding presents.
—H. L. MENCKEN
Hear about the great bank robbery in Israel? They got ten thousand dollars in cash and more than sixty million dollars in anonymous pledges.
—GENE BAYLOS
He’ll be remembered best by the good he did for people. I have to tell you about the benefit I did with Bob Hope when Ed [Sullivan] insisted we join him at St. Albans Hospital to bring a little cheer to the veterans coming home from Vietnam.
“One thing they don’t want is sympathy,” Bob explained. “When I walk into a ward filled with kids who can’t get out of bed and are harnessed to contraptions, I usually say, ‘That’s okay, fellas, you don’t have to get up for me.
—JOEY ADAMS, ABOUT BOB HOPE
I never thought God would hold someone accountable for not raising money.
—PAT ROBERTSON, ON ORAL ROBERT’S WARNING THAT GOD MIGHT “CALL HIM BACK” IF CONTRIBUTIONS WERE INADEQUATE
“When in doubt about a contribution, make it money. It’s the easiest gift to exchange.
We do not quite forgive a giver. The hand that feeds us is in some danger of being bitten.
—RALPH WALDO EMERSON
Mrs. Rossdale was on her way to meet a friend, when a bum came up to her with his hand out. “Lady, can you help me? I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“So force yourself,” she snapped, and walked on.
A large part of altruism, even when it is perfectly honest, is grounded upon the fact that it is uncomfortable to have unhappy people about.
—H. L. MENCKEN
A clergyman famous for his abilities to get the collection plate filled turned his talents to a Sunday school audience. Drawing an elaborate analogy between his role as the pastor of a congregation to that of a shepherd to his flock of sheep, he paused dramatically, then turned to the children.
“And who can tell me what a shepherd does for the sheep?”
A little hand shot up. “I know, Reverend—shears them!”
Did you hear about the frustrated wealthy golfer who donated a set of fourteen golf clubs to a local charity? All but one had a swimming pool with it.
The businessman was rather put off when the bum approached him with a request for five dollars to buy a cup of coffee.
“You can buy coffee for sixty cents,” he responded tartly.
“Right you are,” conceded the bum cheerfully, “but I like to leave a big tip.”
The pig complained to the cow, saying, “I know you give milk, leather, and beef, but I give pork, pigskin, and even my bristles are used for brushes. Why are you loved so much more?”
“Maybe,” the cow said sweetly, “it’s because I give while I’m still alive.”
You can’t take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse.
—ELLEN GLASGOW
A good deed never goes unpunished.
—GORE VIDAL
At the Harvest Festival in church, the area behind the pulpit was piled high with tins of fruit for the old-age pensioners. We had collected the tinned fruit from door to door. Most of it came from old-age pensioners.
—CLIVE JAMES
Without warning, a hurricane blew across the Caribbean. The luxurious yacht soon foundered in the huge waves and sank without a trace. Only two survivors, the boat’s owner and its steward, managed to swim to the closest island. Observing that it was utterly uninhabited, the steward burst into tears, wringing his hands and moaning that they’d never be heard of again. Meanwhile, his companion leaned back against a palm tree and relaxed.
“Dr. Karpman, how can you be so calm?” moaned the distraught steward. “We’re going to die on this godforsaken island. They’re never going to find us.”
“Let me tell you something, Mitchell,” began Karpman with a smile. “Four years ago I gave five hundred thousand dollars to the United Way, and five hundred thousand dollars to the United Jewish Appeal. Three years ago I did very well in the stock market, so I contributed eight hundred and fifty thousand to each.
Last year business was good, so both charities got a million dollars.”
“So?” screamed the wretched steward.
“It’s time for their annual fund drives,” the yachtsman pointed out, “and I know they’re going to find me.”
This year alone Georgie Jessel personally supported more than a million Jews in Israel—and 325 chorus girls in the United States.
—JACK BENNY
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. “I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five-dollar bill to a bum.”
“You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That’s a lot of money to give away like that. What did your husband say about it?”
“Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, ‘Thanks.’”
Children
I was asking my friend, who has children, “What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me? And it blames everything wrong with its life on me?” And she said, “What do you mean, ‘If’?”
—RITA RUDNER
Insanity is hereditary—you get it from your children.
—SAM LEVENSON
Children are stupid. That’s why they’re in school. I’d lecture for an hour about percentages and interest rates and at the end I’d ask one simple question: You put ten grand in the bank for one year at five and a half percent and what do you get?
Some kid would always yell out, “A toaster!”
—JEFFREY JENA
Little Mortie got a real surprise when he barged into his parents’ room one night. “And you slap me for sucking my thumb?” he screamed.
The wealthy old man looked around the table at his sons and daughters and their spouses gathered for a family reunion. “Not a single grandchild,” he said with a sigh. “Why, I’ll give a million dollars to the first kid who presents me with a little one to bounce on my knee. Now, let’s say grace.”
“When the old man lifted his eyes again, his wife was the only other person at the table.
As a kid I used to have a lemonade stand. The sign said, “All you can drink for a dime.” So some kid would come up, plunk down the dime, drink a glass, and then say, “Refill it.”
I’d say, “That’ll be another dime.”
“How come? Your sign says—”
“Well, you had a glass, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, that’s all you can drink for a dime.”
—FLIP WILSON
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, “Probably because of something you did.”
—JACK HANDEY
Children are a great comfort in your old age—and they help you to reach it faster, too.
—LIONEL M. KAUFFMAN
I tell you one thing that’s great about children. They don’t need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother . . . that’s all they need.
—DAVE ATTELL
A child develops in
dividuality long before he develops taste. I have seen my kid straggle into the kitchen in the morning with outfits that need only one accessory—an empty gin bottle.
—ERMA BOMBECK
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
—FRAN LEBOWITZ
Once upon a time a four-year-old boy was visiting his aunt and uncle. He was a very outspoken little boy and often had to be censured to say the right thing at the right time. One day at lunch, when the aunt had company, the little boy said, “Auntie, I want to tinkle.” Auntie took the little boy aside and said, “Never say that, sonny. If you want to tinkle, say, ‘I want to whisper.’” And the incident was forgotten.
That night when Uncle and Auntie were soundly sleeping, the little boy climbed into bed with them. He tugged at his uncle’s shoulder and said, “Uncle, I want to whisper.”
Uncle said, “All right, sonny, don’t wake Auntie up. Whisper in my ear.”
The little boy was sent back to his parents the next day.
—GEORGE JESSEL
In America there are two classes of travel: first class, and with children.
—ROBERT BENCHLEY
Any kid’ll run an errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
—RED SKELTON
I’ve got nothing against kids. I just follow the advice on every bottle in my medicine cabinet: “Keep away from children.”
The pretty teacher was concerned about one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “George, why has your schoolwork been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you,” he said.
“But, George,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own some day. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber.”
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to some loud noises coming from his parents’ bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall toward their room. Before he got to the end of the hall, the noises had stopped and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 7