—HEYWOOD BANKS
The kindergarten class went on a field trip to the local police station, where a kindly patrolman showed them around. Stopping in front of a “Ten Most Wanted” poster, he explained how citizens often help bring about arrests.
“Are those pictures of the bad guys?” asked one six-year-old. The policeman soberly informed him they were indeed.
“Well,” pursued the kid, “why didn’t you hold on to him after you took his picture?”
Kowalski started working weekends and late into the nights on a secret project. Finally, after months of work, he went to his friend Rositzke’s house to show him the fruits of his labor. “Check this out,” he said. “I made it.” And he proudly handed his buddy a seventeen-dollar bill.
“It’s a beautiful counterfeit,” said Rositzke admiringly, “but you’re never going to get anywhere with a seventeen-dollar bill.”
“Oh, yeah?” Kowalski was furious. “Just wait!” And he ran to the deli on the corner. A few minutes later he came back, beaming from ear to ear.
“Well?” asked Rositzke.
“Told you he’d give me change,” declared Kowalski proudly. “And look! Two seven-dollar bills and a three.”
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.
—WOODY ALLEN
This little old lady was held up by a rough character with a gun. She wasn’t a bit scared. “You should be ashamed of yourself, robbing a poor little old lady like me,” she protested. “A man your size should be robbing a bank.”
—JOEY ADAMS
You think New York is bad? You ought to go to Detroit. You can go ten blocks and never leave the scene of the crime.
—RED SKELTON
The streets just aren’t safe anymore. Yesterday I asked a cop how to get to Riverside Drive and he said, “First you go up to Seventy-ninth Street. If you get that far . . .”
I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock every other one. ’Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there and picks the locks, they’re always locking three.
—ELAYNE BOOSLER
Did you hear about the juvenile delinquent from Beverly Hills?
He’s too young to drive, so he only steals cars with chauffeurs in them.
Did you hear about the gay pickpocket?
He leaves the wallet, but takes out the owner.
—RED BUTTONS
How did the dumb guy rob the drive-through window at the bank?
He put his gun in the little basket along with a note that said, “This is a stickup.”
When I was a kid, one cop could have taken care of the whole neighborhood. Now one cop wouldn’t be safe in the neighborhood.
—MIKE ROYKO
New Orleans is the only city in the world where you go in to buy a pair of nylon stockings and they want to know your head size.
—BILLY HOLLIDAY
Did you hear about the deviant burglar who broke into a house and only stole the remote control?
Every night he drives past their window and changes the channel.
A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery. “You’ll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened, and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry, and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.”
The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”
“What’s the difference?” asked the jeweler.
“Well,” said the sergeant, “an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.”
“Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweler. “He had a stocking over his head.”
—JOEY ADAMS
What’s Kurt Waldheimer disease?
It’s like Alzheimer’s disease, except you only forget war crimes.
Just as the prisoner was being strapped into the electric chair, the priest said, “Son, is there anything I can do for you?”
The prisoner said, “Yeah, when they pull the switch, hold my hand.”
—DICK GREGORY
How many serial killers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one. But first he has to dismember the old one and masturbate in front of it.
I was in Atlantic City at a bar and a tough looking guy walked up to me and said, “Hey, buddy, you want to buy a ring?” I asked him what it looked like. He said, “Don’t look now, but the guy next to you is wearing it.”
—GENE BAYLOS
“Great news, Mr. Oscarson,” the psychiatrist reported. “After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You’ll never be trapped by such desires again.”
“Gee, that’s great, Doc,” said the patient with a sigh of relief.
“And just to prove it, I want you to stop off at Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You’ll see—you’ll feel no temptation whatsoever to shoplift.”
“Oh, Doctor, how can I ever thank you?”
“Well,” suggested the doctor, “if you do have a relapse, I could use a microwave.”
This guy in Texas is going to get the electric chair. He’s borderline psycho, borderline retarded. He’s like a singer/actress—can’t do either one really well, but dabbles in both fields. All these guilty liberals are saying, “You can’t kill crazy people, they’re crazy. They don’t know what they did.”
Well, if they don’t know what they did, then they don’t know you’re gonna kill ’em! Put ’em in the electric chair and tell ’em it’s a ride.
—BOBBY SLAYTON
You’re not gonna believe this. I saw a murder. I got there five minutes after it happened. Apparently, from what I saw, the body fell onto a chalk line exactly the same shape.
—HOWIE MANDEL
Did you know that in some countries the penalty for shoplifting is marriage?
Joe: Tomorrow I’m getting married for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms, too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.
A burglar breaks into a house in the best area of town. He’s sure that there’s nobody home, but he sneaks in, doesn’t turn on any lights, and heads for where he thinks the valuables are kept. Then he hears a voice say, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He freezes in his tracks! He doesn’t move a muscle! A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on, and looks around the room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. “Did you say that?” he asks the parrot.
The parrot says again, “I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!”
“Hah! So what? You’re just a parrot!” says the burglar.
“I may be just a parrot,” replies the parrot. “But Jesus is a Doberman!”
A guy was in show business. He was a psychic. He knew the exact day he was going to die. The warden told him.
—HENNY YOUNGMAN
I wonder if somewhere there’s a gangster who’s owned by a syndicate of singers?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?
“We have, Your Honor. We find the man who robbed that bank not guilty.”
Cynicism
No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up.
—LILY TOMLIN
All modern men are descended from a
wormlike creature, but it shows more on some people.
—WILL CUPPY
Over dinner with his hard-hearted friend, the incurable romantic sighed and declared, “Love is the last word.”
The cynic shook his head and countered, “Only in a telegram.”
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
—H. L. MENCKEN (ATTRIBUTED)
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, What the hell good would that do?
—RONNIE SHAKES
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.
In April, if the glands still work properly, it is possible to see the world as it might be if only it were not the world.
—RUSSELL BAKER
I don’t believe in astrology. But then I’m an Aquarius, and Aquarians don’t believe in astrology.
An optimist is a parent who’ll let his kid borrow the new car for a date.
A pessimist is one who won’t.
A cynic is one who did.
There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.
—P. J. O’ROURKE
D
Dating
I’m dating a homeless woman. It was easier to talk her into staying over.
—GARRY SHANDLING
Eve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don’t know you from Adam.”
—RED BUTTONS
I can’t even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
—GILBERT GOTTFRIED
A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews where there’s a chance you’ll end up naked at the end of it.
—JERRY SEINFELD
I have this eerie feeling that my imaginary friend is sleeping with my imaginary girlfriend.
—TOM COTTER
Jack the Ripper’s mother said, “Why don’t I ever see you with the same girl twice?”
—RED BUTTONS
I asked this guy if he had the time. He said he’d love to give it to me, but he wasn’t sure he could make a commitment.
—CAROL SISKIND
These are very confusing times. For the first time in history, a woman is expected to combine intelligence with a sharp hairdo, a raised consciousness with high heels, and an open, nonsexist relationship with a tan guy who has a great bod.
—LYNDA BARRY
The matchmaker had been trying for years to find someone for young Seymour, but nobody met Mrs. Schwartz’s standards. One day he showed up for his visit in an unusually good mood. “Have I got the girl for your Seymour,” he announced, leaning over conspiratorially. “Nothing less than a princess, Princess Margaret Rose!” Ignoring the fact that Mrs. Schwartz had turned pale, the matchmaker went on. “She’s a lovely girl. You know she has her own palace right on the Côte d’Azur, plus a chalet for the winter season in Gstaad, and of course, there’s the penthouse in Manhattan if you should get lonely for your son—”
“But wait, she’s a shiksa,” interrupted Mrs. Schwartz. “That’s totally unacceptable.”
“Let me tell you a little about the palace. Sixty-five rooms, not counting the servants’ quarters or the stables, and maybe you’d like to ice skate or take a dip in a nice indoor Olympic-sized pool? Rembrandts and Caravaggios everywhere, and on the grounds—”
“Moishe, listen to me,” broke in Mrs. Schwartz. “A gentile girl, I don’t care who she is, is absolutely out of the question.”
“And maybe your Seymour likes a nice car?” The matchmaker went on, unperturbed. “In the garage is a Rolls Royce, a Ferrari, a Maserati, and the two Mercedes used for errands around town. And, of course, there’s a couple of chauffeurs in case Seymour should get tired of driving . . .”
The ongoing inventory of Princess Margaret Rose’s attractions, physical and material, failed to remove the frown from Mrs. Schwartz’s face. Finally, the matchmaker said, “Listen, let’s give the boy a chance to hear all this for himself.”
Reluctantly, Mrs. Schwartz agreed. To Seymour, sitting on the couch next to his mother, the matchmaker once again patiently catalogued the splendor of all that Princess Margaret Rose, shiksa or not, had to offer.
“Ma, I gotta say, it doesn’t sound so bad,” admitted Seymour.
It took another good hour or so, but finally the two men persuaded Mrs. Schwartz to go along with the arrangement, and with much handshaking and back-patting, the matchmaker was shown to the door.
“Well,” he said as it closed behind him, “at least half my job is done.”
I’m thirty-three, single. . . . Don’t you think it’s a generalization that you should be married by thirty-three? That’s like looking at somebody who’s seventy and saying, “Hey, when are you gonna break your hip? All your friends are breaking their hips—what are you waiting for?”
—SUE KOLINSKY
Infatuation is when you think that he’s as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Connors. Love is when you realize that he’s as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford—but you’ll take him anyway.
—JUDITH VIORST
It’s slim pickings out there. When you’re first single, you’re so optimistic. At the beginning you’re like: I want to meet a guy who’s really smart, really sweet, really good-looking, has a really great career. . . . Six months later you’re like: Lord, any mammal with a day job.
—CAROL LEIFER
What do I think of computer dating? It’s terrific if you’re a computer.
—RITA MAE BROWN
She was a lovely girl. Our courtship was fast and furious—I was fast and she was furious.
—MAX KAUFFMANN
When I think of some of the men I’ve slept with—if they were women, I wouldn’t have had lunch with them.
—CAROL SISKIND
Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
—GROUCHO MARX
I once went for a job at one of the airlines. The interviewer asked me why I wanted to be a stewardess, and I told her it would be a great chance to meet men. I was honest about it! She looked at me and said, “But you can meet men anywhere.”
I said, “Strapped down?”
—MARTHA RAYE
Why is it a mistake to date a necrophiliac?
He just wants you for your body.
Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers? Men don’t like flowers. I’ve been wearing a great scent. It’s called New Car Interior.
—RITA RUDNER
Two women met for lunch and the topic soon came around to their love lives. “Same old thing, you know,” said the married one. “How about you, Pam?”
With a shy smile, Pam confessed that she’d been seeing a really attractive man. “He’s gorgeous, honestly—really well built and six feet two, with this thick blond hair—and he has his own computer consulting business, a beautiful apartment, a nice car, but the best thing about him is that he’s totally honest and sincere and straightforward with me.”
“Wow!” exclaimed her friend. “How come I haven’t heard about this dreamboat until now?”
“There’s one small snag,” admitted Pam with a grimace. “Ted also makes all his own dresses.”
A guy walks into a bar and goes right up to a beautiful redhead sitting alone in the corner. “Hey, wanna fuck?” he asks.
“Your place or mine?” she answers coyly.
“Well, if it’s going to be a hassle. . . .”
How many of you ever started dating someone ’cause you were too lazy to commit suicide? This guy says, “I’m perfect for you, ’cause I’m a cross between a macho and a sens
itive man.” I said, “Oh, a gay trucker?”
—JUDY TENUTA
I wouldn’t mind being the last man on earth—just to see if all of those girls were telling me the truth.
—RONNIE SHAKES
What’s the advantage of being the last woman on earth?
You can be rotten and he’ll still love you.
I’ve been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
—WENDY LIEBMAN
A young couple were in a car parked on Lovers Lane and the young man turned admiringly to his pretty date and said, “Gee, you smell good. You wearing perfume or something?”
The girl blushed charmingly and confessed that she was wearing a new perfume that she’d bought especially with him in mind. “You smell good, too,” she said. “What do you have on?”
“Well, I have a hard-on,” blurted the young man, “but I didn’t know you could smell it.”
I’m kind of lazy. I’m dating a pregnant woman.
—RON RICHARDS
How do you qualify to be the girlfriend of a Hell’s Angel?
You have to be able to suck start a Harley.
The horny college kid borrowed his roommate’s car, scraped together every penny he could find, picked up his date at her parents’ house, and took her to a nice restaurant for dinner. But he got more and more upset when she proceeded to order everything pricey on the menu: fancy mixed drinks, lobster, champagne—the works. Finally, he couldn’t stay silent anymore—and blurted, “Does your mother feed you like this at home?”
“Nope,” she replied with a demure smile, “but my mom’s not trying to get laid either.”
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly and pulled her hand to his penis. Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car.
“I’ve got just two words for you,” she screamed. “Drop dead!”
“And I’ve got just two words for you,” Roger screamed back.
“Let go!”
A guy puts his hand down his wife’s pants.
She says, “Would you take off your ring? It’s hurting me.”
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 9