Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes

by Barry Dougherty

  “Forget it, buddy,” she replied, not unkindly. “I’m gay.”

  Zabiski looked blank.

  “I’m a lesbian,” she elaborated.

  Zabiski shook his head. “What’s a lesbian?”

  “See that woman over there?” She pointed at a lovely blond waitress serving drinks on the far side of the room.

  Zabiski nodded, perking up.

  “Well, I’d like to take her up to my room,” the brunette elaborated, “take all her clothes off, and nibble her tits and lick every curve and suck every inch of that sweet young thing, all night long.”

  At this, Zabiski burst into tears and buried his head in his arms.

  “Why the hell’re you crying?” asked his companion gruffly.

  “I think I’m a lesbian, too,” he sobbed.

  My brother is gay and my parents don’t care—as long as he marries a doctor.

  —ELAYNE BOOSLER

  Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men . . . in silk shorts . . . fighting over a belt and a purse.

  —ANT

  The law against sodomy is to stop homosexual men from enjoying themselves. That’s what the law is all about. But this is stupid. What do you do according to the law? You find two men enjoying themselves sexually. You arrest them and throw them in . . . prison? That oughta do it.

  —KEVIN POLLAK

  What’s the army afraid is going to happen if gay people are in it? “Private, shoot that man!” “I can’t, he’s adorable.”

  —JON STEWART

  I got even with my parents by telling them I’m gay. You see, because I’m going out with this guy I know they would otherwise hate, now I know that when they meet him, they’ll love him.

  —MARGARET SMITH

  Two gay guys are in an elevator.

  The elevator operator says, “You going down?”

  The first guy says, “Heaven’s no. We’re just conversing.”

  What’s another term for lesbian?

  Vagitarian.

  Did you hear about the gay Indian?

  He was a brave sucker.

  Two gay guys live together.

  The first guy says, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll hide, and if you find me, I’ll blow you.”

  The second guy says, “What if I can’t find you?”

  He says, “I’ll be behind the piano.”

  What’s the lesbian motto?

  “No penis between us.”

  One lesbian frog says to the other, “You know, we really do taste like chicken.”

  —BRUCE KIRBY

  One gay guy says to another, “Your chest is so hairy. . . .”

  The second one says, “Well, I put Vaseline on it every night.”

  The first one says, “That can’t be the reason. . . . If it was, I’d have a ponytail growing out of my ass.”

  Honesty

  At long last the good-humored boss felt compelled to call Fitch into his office. “It has not escaped my attention,” he pointed out gently, “that every time there’s a big home game, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.”

  “You know, you’re right, sir,” exclaimed Fitch. “I hadn’t realized. You don’t suppose she’s faking it now, do you?”

  It’s said that Abraham Lincoln once sized up the case of a prospective client as follows: “You have a pretty good case, technically, but in terms of justice and equity, it’s got problems. So you’ll have to look for another lawyer to handle the case, because the whole time I was up there talking to the jury, I’d be thinking, ‘Lincoln, you’re a liar!’ and I just might forget myself and say it out loud.”

  King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But he was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny Knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice. After he explained his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and asked the king to come back in a week.

  A week later King Arthur was back in Merlin’s laboratory, where the good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt . . . except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

  “This is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed. “Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the queen?”

  “Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn-out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it into the gaping aperture of the chastity belt, whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

  “Merlin, you are a genius!” said the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my queen is fully protected.”

  After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur set out upon his quest. Several years passed before he returned to Camelot.

  Immediately, he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahad.

  “Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. “The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

  But Sir Galahad was speechless.

  A woman walks into a butcher shop and asks the butcher how much a pound of tenderloin is.

  “Twelve dollars per pound,” replied the butcher.

  “Are you sure? That can’t be,” said the lady.

  “Look, ma’am, it says right here on the card, ‘twelve dollars per pound.’”

  “But that seems so high compared to other butchers in the area,” she said.

  “Lady, maybe they gave you the price for a poorer cut of beef,” said the butcher.

  “No, the butcher across the street said it was nine dollars per pound.”

  “Well, then why don’t you go buy it there?” asked the butcher.

  “Because they are all out.”

  “When I’m all out, I sell it for eight dollars per pound,” retorted the butcher.

  Hospitals

  A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

  —GROUCHO MARX

  Did your wife recover from her operation?

  Not yet, she’s still talking about it.

  Today’s hospitals don’t kid around. I won’t say what happens if you don’t pay a bill, but did you ever have tonsils put back in?

  —JOEY ADAMS

  I said, “Officer, I’m speeding because I’m taking my mom to the hospital. She OD’d on reducing pills.”

  He said, “I don’t see any woman in the car with you.”

  I said, “I’m too late.”

  —EMO PHILIPS

  Nate was in a nasty accident, and broke so many bones that it was necessary for him to be placed in a body cast, with all four limbs in traction and his neck immobilized. And during his lengthy hospitalization, he had to be fed rectally.

  The attending nurse felt especially sorry for him when his birthday came around, so she decided to give him a special treat: some ice cream through the food tube. But she’d barely left the room before Nate’s screams of, “Nurse! Nurse!” echoed down the corridor.

  Rushing back in, she cried, “What’s the matter? Is it too cold? I’m so sorry—”

  “No, no, no,” Nate howled back. “I hate rum raisin!”

  They try to humiliate you in the hospital. They make you pee in a bottle. I hate that. I was in the hospital. The nurse said, “You have to pee in this bottle.” She left and I filled it with Mountain Dew. She came back and I chugged it. She was puking for days. It’s a sick world and I’m a happy guy!

  —LARRY REEB

  I had general anesthesia. That’s so weird. You go to sleep in one room and then you wake up four hours later in a totally different room. Just like college.

  —ROSS SHAFER


  If I’m ever stuck on a respirator or a life support system, I definitely want to be unplugged—but not until I’m down to a size eight.

  —HENRIETTE MANTEL

  It’s a good thing I’m covered by Red, White, and Blue Cross. I was operated on at a great hospital—Our Lady of Malpractice! Five years ago they spent three million dollars on a recovery room. It hasn’t been used yet. After the operation, the doctor told me, “Soon, your sex life’s gonna be terrific—especially the one in the winter.”

  —MILTON BERLE

  I don’t blame hospitals for trying to keep costs down, but I really think a coin-operated bedpan is going a little too far.

  —JOEY ADAMS

  Hotels

  My hotel room is so small that when I die, they won’t have to put me in a casket. They’ll just put handles on the room.

  —HERB SHRINER

  My friend and his wife stayed in a hotel and got a bill for ninety bucks. He screamed, “For what, ninety dollars?”

  The desk clerk said, “For room and board, sir.”

  My friend said, “Room and board? We didn’t eat here.”

  The clerk said, “It was here for you. If you didn’t get it, it’s your fault.”

  My friend said, “You take forty dollars. I’m charging you fifty dollars for fooling around with my wife.”

  The clerk said, “I never touched your wife!”

  My friend said, “It was there for you.”

  —NORM CROSBY

  Why is it they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the Bible when he’s alone with a woman in a hotel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever he’s praying for, he’s already got!

  —MILTON BERLE

  Housework

  Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam—and I’ll show you a houseful of dirt.

  ——MARTY ALLEN

  I haven’t cleaned up in a while. I’ve got a messy house—a milk carton with a picture of the Lindbergh baby on it.

  —GREG RAY

  “Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!

  —ANDY ANDREWS

  If you want to get rid of stinking odors in the kitchen, stop cooking.

  —ERMA BOMBECK

  The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You don’t want to try these techniques at home.”

  “Why not?” asked someone from the back of the audience.

  “I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. ‘Hon,’ I suggested, ‘Why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’”

  The voice from the back asked, “Did it save time?”

  The expert replied, “Actually, yes. It used to take her twenty minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.”

  Humility

  Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course ten degrees south.

  The response was prompt: “Change your course ten degrees north.”

  “I am a captain,” he responded testily. “Change your course ten degrees south.”

  The reply: “I’m a seaman first class—change your course north.”

  The captain was furious. “Change your course now. I’m on a battleship.”

  “Change your course ten degrees north, sir—I’m in a lighthouse.”

  It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.

  —KIN HUBBARD

  It’s like what the beaver said to the rabbit as they stared up at the immense bulk of Hoover Dam: “No, I didn’t actually build it—but it’s based on an idea of mine.”

  A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: “dig!”

  He looks around; nobody’s there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: “I said, dig!”

  So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after digging for some time, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

  The deep voice says, “Open!”

  Okay, the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to break the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

  The deep voice says, “To the casino!”

  Well, the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

  The deep voice says, “Roulette!”

  So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him in disbelief.

  The deep voice says, “Twenty-seven!”

  He takes the whole pile and drops it at the twenty-seven. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

  The ball stays at the twenty-six.

  The deep voice says, “Shit!”

  When you’re as great as I am, it’s hard to be humble.

  —MUHAMMED ALI (ATTRIBUTED)

  You probably wouldn’t worry about what people think of you if you knew how seldom they do.

  —OLIN MILLER

  If there is such a thing as genius, which is just what?—what the fuck is it?—I am one, you know. And if there isn’t, I don’t care.

  —JOHN LENNON

  I don’t deserve any credit for turning the other cheek, as my tongue is always in it.

  ——FLANNERY O’CONNOR

  The city slicker was fishing with a fancy new rod and all the latest lures, but he hadn’t had a nibble by lunchtime. Adding to his irritation was the fact that a farm boy in a rowboat not far away had pulled in a number of good-sized bass. They quit about the same time, and the man couldn’t help going over to him. “You caught all those fish with that old stick—and a bent pin for a hook?” he croaked disbelievingly. “What’s your secret?”

  The boy shrugged and hitched up his overalls. “I guess I just keep myself out of sight.”

  Humor

  I don’t make jokes; I just watch the government and report the facts.

  —WILL ROGERS

  The man who laughs has not yet heard the news.

  —BERTOLT BRECHT

  Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.

  —MARK TWAIN

  “Laughter is God’s gift to mankind,” proclaimed the preacher ponderously.

  “And mankind,” responded the cynic, “is the proof that God has a sense of humor.”

  Gracie: What’s the difference between an umbrella and a pickle?

  George: You’re making this up?

  Gracie: Yes.

  George: What’s the difference between an umbrella and a pickle? (Thinks for a moment.) I give up.

  Gracie: Oh? I give up, too.

  George: I thought you said you made up riddles.

  Gracie: I do. I make up riddles. I don’t make up answers.

  —GEORGE BURNS AND GRACIE ALLEN

  Whatever you have read I have said is almost certainly untrue, except if it is funny, in which case I definitely said it.

  ——TALLULAH BANKHEAD

  Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

  —WILL ROGERS

  Husbands

  A husband is what’s left of a man after the nerve has been extracted.

  —HELEN ROWLAND

  My wife thinks that I’m too nosy. At least that’s what she keeps scribbling in her diary.

  —DRAKE SATHER

  I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about “short” and “cheap”?

  —PHYLLIS DILLER

  The new bride gushed to her mother, “My husband is very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for.”

  Her mother said, “That only shows you’re not asking for enough.”

  —JOEY ADAMS

  The wedding night found Dan and Lorraine in a posh suite at the Hyatt, a bottle of champa
gne by the bed. Pulling a sexy negligee out of her suitcase, Lorraine was startled when Dan tossed her a pair of his pants and told her to put them on.

  They fell down in a pool around her ankles. “Honey, I can’t wear your pants,” she protested, coming around the bed to hand them back to him.

  “Damn straight, and don’t you forget it,” ordered the new husband. “I’m the man and I wear the pants in this family.”

  Lorraine slipped out of her panties and tossed them to Dan. “Put these on, darling,” she asked sweetly.

  Of course Dan couldn’t pull the little scrap of lace past his knees. “I can’t get into your pants, Lorraine,” he complained.

  “That’s right,” she snapped. “And it’s going to stay that way until you change your damn attitude!”

  I look at husbands the same way I look at tattoos. I want one but I can’t decide what I want and I don’t want to be stuck with one I’m just going to grow to hate and have to have surgically removed later.

  —MARGARET CHO

  Noting that she and her husband made love more and more infrequently, Sandy tried everything she could think of: romantic dinners and cruises, greeting him at the door in sexy lingerie, trying out exotic paraphernalia from a sex boutique. But nothing seemed to work, and finally he yielded to her urgings that he consult a sex therapist.

  To her amazement, a single visit restored her husband’s ardor to honeymoon dimensions. The only quirk was that every so often during lovemaking, her husband would dash into the bathroom for a minute or two. Finally her curiosity overcame her better judgment, and she followed him to the bathroom door. Looking in, she saw him peering intently into the mirror and repeating, “She’s not my wife . . . she’s not my wife. . . .”