“Okay, Bobby,” says the teacher. “Now, I’m going to describe objects to you and you tell me what they are. Here we go. What’s red, shiny, and you eat it?”
“A cherry,” says Bobby.
“No, it’s an apple, but it shows you’re thinking,” said the teacher gently. “Ready for the next one? What’s yellow and you eat it?”
“A lemon,” says Bobby.
“No,” says the teacher, “it’s a banana, but it shows you’re thinking.
Before the teacher can continue, Bobby interrupts. “Okay, teacher, I’ve got one for you.” He reaches into his pocket, looks down, pulls his hand out, and asks, “What’s long, pink, and has a little red head on the end of it?”
“Oooh, Bobby!” squeals the teacher.
“No, it’s a match—but it shows you’re thinking.”
Sex
I’m really concerned about my wife since we moved to California. She’s gotten kind of kinky. She likes to tie me up and then go out with someone else.
—TOM DREESEN
A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of three or six and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this beautiful girl for a while and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s ‘the’ night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her parents, he asks if he might give the blessing. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for ten minutes. The girl leans over and whispers to him, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.” He leans to her and whispers, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”
Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it’s twenty-two years later, and they still haven’t lost their virginity.
—CONAN O’BRIEN
You don’t get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.
—JEFF FOXWORTHY
This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “All right, when do you want to go out?” She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?” “Uh, how about Monday?”
—JEFFREY ROSS
There have been times when I have actually had sex indoors. And then you kind of sober up a little when it’s over. I become like a bartender at 2 A.M. “Okay, people, let’s move it out! Yeah, you don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here.”
—JANEANE GAROFALO
I was walking through Central Park the other day, and I came upon the most beautiful woman sunbather, and she wiped it off and called the cops.
—TOM COTTER
One guy says to the other, “Do you and your wife have mutual climax?”
The other said, “I think we have Prudential.”
—MILTON BERLE
My sex life is very bad. If it weren’t for pickpockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
—HENNY YOUNGMAN
What’s a Jewish porno film?
Ten minutes of sex, fifty minutes of guilt.
If God had intended that the genitals were more important than the brain, he would’ve put a skull over the genitals. What the hell do you care if someone comes over and fools around with your genitals? . . . But you don’t want anybody coming over and stroking your brains. They’ll scramble your brains, you’ll write the wrong check, you’ll lose money.
—MEL BROOKS
Did you hear about the poll conducted during National Orgasm Week?
Unfortunately, nine out of ten responders only pretended to celebrate.
Sex therapists think the whole problem is we don’t communicate enough. Dr. Ruth says, as women, we should tell our lovers how to make love to us. My boyfriend goes nuts if I tell him how to drive!
—PAM STONE
Sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome, and natural things that money can buy.
Italian woman: Oh, Gino, you are the world’s greatest lover!
French woman: Ah, Jacques, you are marvelous. More, more!
Jewish woman: Oy, Jake, the ceiling needs painting.
—GENE BAYLOS
He knows why a Beverly Hills princess walks down the aisle with a great big smile. Because she knows she’s given her last blow job.
—NORM CROSBY, ABOUT BILLY CRYSTAL
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don’t are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn’t put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
—FRAN LEBOWITZ
The butcher was eager to marry off his only daughter, but to his dismay she showed no interest whatsoever in any of her possible suitors. In fact, she seemed utterly disinterested in sex, and her father would lie awake at night wondering what would become of her.
Late one sleepless night, as the butcher headed down to the kitchen for a glass of warm milk, he heard strange sounds coming from his daughter’s room. Peering into her room, he saw her masturbating energetically with a hunk of salami.
The next day a customer came into the shop, pointed at the display case, and asked for a half a pound of salami.
“I’m afraid that’s not for sale,” the butcher told him with a sigh. “That’s my son-in-law.”
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
—WOODY ALLEN
One morning a milkman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bedsheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before. They had played a game called “Who’s Who” in which each of the men had put his equipment through the hole and the women tried to guess their identity.
“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the milkman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”
“You should have been,” said the housewife. “Your name came up three times.”
Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.
—WOODY ALLEN
When I was growing up, all my friends wanted to have sex with anything that moved. “Why limit yourself?” I told them.
—EMO PHILLIPS
Two Italians are walking down the street when one turns to the other and says, “Nunzio, you know, there’s one time I really like to have sex.”
“When is-a that, Mario?” asked his friend.
“Just before I have a cigarette.”
I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution, they’re going to grow up and never know what “dirty” means.
—LILY TOMLIN
Everybody has sex now. When I was a kid, only women had sex and you had to get it from them.
—TONY STONE
Is it wrong to have sex before you’re married? Only if it makes you late for the ceremony!
The salesgirl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn’t bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina. “What’re you going to use it for?” she asked.
“None of your business,” answered the customer, thoroughly offended.
“Calm down, buddy,” soothed the salesgirl. “The only reason I’m asking is that if it’s food, we don’t have to charge you sales tax.”
I don’t want to see any faces at this party I haven’t sat on.
—BONNIE RAITT
You know what those little bumps are on a girl’s nipples? It’s Braille for “lick here.”
A young country girl came to town for a day. She was window shopping when a beautiful pair of red shoes caught her eye, and as she stood admiring them, the clerk came out and asked if he could help her. The girl admitted that she’d spent all her money, but that she’d do anything to get her hands on t
hose red shoes.
The clerk thought it over for a moment. “I think we can work out a deal,” he told her. “Go lie down on the couch in the back room.” Soon he came in and closed the door. “So do you want those shoes bad enough to put out for them?” he asked. When she nodded, he pulled down his pants, exposing a hard-on about nine-inches long.
“Honey, I’ll screw you with this big cock of mine until you squirm with pleasure and scream in ecstasy and go wild with desire.”
“I don’t get much of a kick out of sex, but go right ahead,” said the girl, spreading her legs and lying back. Sure she couldn’t last long, the salesman started pumping away, but she lay there like a dishrag. Pretty soon he’d come twice and began to worry about getting soft, so he started going at it for all he was worth. Sure enough he felt her arms go around his neck and her legs tighten around his waist. “Best you’ve ever had, right?” chortled the man. “In a couple of seconds you’ll be coming like crazy.”
“Oh, no, it’s not that,” said the girl. “I’m just trying on my new shoes.”
Little Billy was getting old enough to be curious about the birds and bees, so when he and his father encountered two dogs going at it in an empty lot, his dad explained that they were making puppies. It was only a week later that Billy stumbled into his parents’ room in the middle of the night, catching them in the act. “What are you and Mommy doing?” he asked.
“Well, Billy,” the red-faced parent explained, “Mommy and I are making babies.”
“Roll her over, Dad, roll her over!” yelled the little boy. “I’d rather have puppies.”
My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn’t bother me. It’s the hiding that seems so cruel.
—JONATHAN KATZ
Anybody who calls it “sexual intercourse” can’t possibly be interested in actually doing it. You might as well announce you’re ready for lunch by proclaiming, “I’d like to do some masticating and enzyme secreting.”
—ALAN SHERMAN
Awakening the morning after the orgy, the god of war was stretching sleepily when he noticed a lovely Valkyrie standing in the doorway. “Good morning,” he said. “I’m Thor.”
She replied, “You’re thor? I’m tho thor I can hardly pith.”
Why do so many women fake orgasms?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she’s doing, she kills herself.
After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they’re doing, they bury her.
After another week, they’re so ashamed of what they’re doing, they dig her up again.
Mrs. Chester’s husband has lost interest in her sexually, so she goes to the local lingerie boutique and buys some crotchless panties. That night, when her husband comes home from work, she yells down from the bedroom, “Honey, come upstairs. I have a surprise for you.”
“When he opens the bedroom door, she’s lying on the bed wearing just a bra and the panties. She spreads her legs and says, “See anything you want?”
He says, “Why would I want that? Look what it did to your underwear.”
What is the definition of “indecent”?
If it’s long enough, hard enough, and in far enough, it’s indecent!
Oral Sex
The patient had been in a coma for some time when one of the nurses happened to notice a distinct response on the monitor when her “private area” was touched during a sponge bath.
“Crazy as this sounds,” said the nurse to the patient’s husband on his next visit, “but maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.” He’s quite skeptical, but the staff assures him that they’ll close the curtains for privacy and points out that they don’t have much to lose. Finally the husband agrees to give it a shot, and goes into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flatlines. No pulse . . . no heart rate. Running into the room, they find the husband standing there, zipping up his fly. “I think she choked,” he said.
After several years of marriage, Debbie’s husband Mike died suddenly. According to his wishes, Debbie had his body cremated, and placed the remains in a small urn.
Several weeks later, Debbie came home wearing a full-length mink coat and an eight-carat diamond ring. She went into the living room, removed the urn from the mantel, and carefully tapped Mike’s ashes into a small dish on the coffee table.
“Mike, my beloved Mike,” she began, “I wish to talk to you. Mike, do you remember, for several years you promised me a mink coat? Well, here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
“And, Mike,” she continued, “do you remember, for several years you promised me a diamond ring? Yes? You remember? Here it is, Mike. Do you like it?
“Well,” Debbie exclaimed, puffing Mike’s ashes into the air, “there’s that blow job I was promising you.”
What do yuppies call mutual oral sex?
Sixty-something.
What’s LXIX?
Sixty-nine the hard way.
A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he’d look away, and finally he came over, a bit embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, sir, let me buy you a drink.”
He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.
“Really, sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I’ve ever seen and I can’t keep from staring at you.”
“You think I’m pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?”
“Well, it depends on what I’m betting on, but I do bet from time to time.”
“Do you see that cute little blond sitting over there with that young man? I’ve got fifty dollars that says I’ll go over there and pick her up.”
The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his fifty dollars on the bar next to the customer, who had started to approach the table, but wheeled around and came back.
“I’ve got another fifty dollars that says I’ll pat her on the fanny as we walk by you and she’ll give you a wink.”
The bartender quickly added another fifty dollars and shortly after that, the guy walked out with the blond on his arm and as they went by, he patted her on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.
Astonished, the bartender went over to the table where she had been sitting to quiz the young man she had been with. He was sitting there with a stunned look on his face.
“My gosh, fellow, I’m amazed! What did he do? What did he say?”
“Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there, licking his eyebrows. …”
What’s the problem with oral sex?
The view.
Why are cowgirls all bowlegged?
Because cowboys like to eat with their hats on.
What’s the best thing about a blow job?
Five minutes of peace and quiet.
Why do men like blow jobs?
It’s the only time they get something into a woman’s head straight.
A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms, had spread out his blanket, and was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
“Oscar, what happened to you?” asked the flea, because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket, his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
“I got a ride down here in some guy’s mustache and he came by motorcycle. I nearly froze my nuts off,” wheezed Oscar.
“Let me give you a tip, old pal,” said the first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his shoulders. “You go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak, you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?”
So you can imagine the flea’s surprise when, a month or so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on the be
ach, he sees Oscar looking more chilled and miserable than before.
“Listen,” said Oscar, “I did everything you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and waited until a really cute one came in, and made a perfect landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right off.”
“And so?” asked the first flea.
“And so, the next thing I know, I’m on this guy’s mustache again!”
What do lobster thermidor and oral sex have in common?
You can’t get either of them at home.
A young man is on a date with a young woman and they are sitting in his car on Lovers Lane. After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral sex.
“No,” says the young woman, “you won’t respect me.”
So the young man is content to wait. After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the young woman for oral sex. Again the reply, “No, you won’t respect me.”
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride “Honey, please, we’re married now. You know I love you and respect you. Can we please have oral sex?”
“No,” she says, “I just know that if I do that, you won’t respect me.” So the man waits, and waits, and waits. . . .
After twenty years of marriage, the man says, “Honey, we’ve been together twenty wonderful years now. We’ve raised three beautiful kids. You know that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex, just once? Please!”
The wife finally gives in to her husband’s wish and performs oral sex on him. After she’s finished, they’re lying in bed relaxing, and the telephone rings.
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Answer that, you cocksucker.”
Safe Sex
You have to be very careful these days. If you get involved with somebody, you have to know their health history. The best way to find out is to look through their medicine cabinet. It tells you what they don’t have. . . . With this girl, I opened up the medicine cabinet, it was empty. I said, “Jeez, I don’t know what she’s got, but whatever it is, there ain’t no cure for it!”
Friar's Club Encyclopedia of Jokes Page 37