by Tasha Fawkes
I blush as Nate enters my head. Shana gasps and points at me accusingly.
“You’re totally picturing Nate, aren’t you?”
“How could you know that?” I ask her, laughing.
She chuckles. “Because you just told me.”
She claps and laughs like a freaking five year old while I groan. I’m never going to hear the end of it now. I look to Charlene for support, but she shakes her head sadly and stands up.
“I'm sorry, but you're on your own. My babysitter just called. I have to get back. Matt’s working late tonight, unfortunately.” She smiles at me and raises her eyebrows. “But if I don’t find out you got thoroughly fucked tonight, I’ll be very disappointed.”
I shake my head and laugh as she walks off.
“I should get going soon, too, so maybe if you’re going to do something, do it fast so I can spot you.”
Groaning, I look around and catch the eye of a hot guy with dark brown hair and green eyes standing near the bar. He’s smiling at me, so I smile back. He's not Nate, but he'll do. I reach over and grab Shana’s wine and knock it back. She giggles as I stand up.
“Wish me luck,” I say.
I stand up and walk over to the bar. Before I even reach him, I decide I'm going to be someone different tonight. I'm flirty relaxed and giggly. I’m basically every girl I hated in high school, but ten minutes later, I'm walking out, hanging off his arm.
It’s after dawn when I sneak back into my apartment complex, ignoring the knowing smile I’m receiving from the doorman. While it felt good to just let loose and have some fun, I do regret going home with that guy. It sounds ridiculous, but I almost feel like I've cheated myself out of a moment by not waiting to see if something with Nate eventuated. I shake my head, because a) that makes no sense, and b) he he’d never go there with me.
The next morning, I sleep late, which is something I never do, but I guess I must've needed it. I think about the fact that I went home with some random guy and I cringe, because that's so not like me. I’m not a one night stand kind of girl. In fact, I can’t remember ever having one, other than last night, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe I needed to let myself cut loose so I could get on with my job.
I had so much tension building up inside me that I thought for sure having some fun would let it all out. The problem is, I’m just as tense today. I don’t know if it’s the same, or a fresh lot. Maybe I need to sleep around every day. I smiled at the thought.
What I need to do is sit down and do my job. I need to focus on what’s best for the foundation, and not just Nate. It’s not like he cares about me anyway, so why should I care about him?
I get changed into my sweatpants and my runners and then I go for a jog, which is something I haven't done in a long time. I used to do a lot, especially once I had recovered when I was younger, because it was a great way to do is release all the built up tension inside me. It’s also easier and a lot less messy than sex.
I run through the park and around the lake, forcing myself to move faster. I focus on the sound of my heart pounding in my chest and nothing else. The harder I run the better I feel, probably because I have less time to think about anything else other than putting one foot in front of the other. I keep pushing myself harder and harder, until I reach the point where I'm almost ready to collapse.
I hunch over and rest my hands on my knees, while I gasp for air. It burns my lungs as I try to desperately to fill them, but God, even with the pain, it feels good. I laugh and shake my head, because now I sound like a pain junkie.
“Hey, I didn't know you ran.”
I spin around and see Nate standing there. He smiles at me as I straighten up, embarrassed because I must look quite a sight. No doubt I’m red-faced and gasping like an out of shape donkey. He doesn’t know how hard I just pushed myself. He probably thinks I took two steps and stopped for a rest.
“I haven't in a while, as you can probably see, but I made it around the lake and through the park in under twenty,” I say.
Yes, I’m bragging, but it’s more me wanting him to know that I didn’t suck at this too.
“I used to run a lot, it’s a great way to release some energy,” I say with a smile. My cheeks flush, because I can think of better ways to do that. Like last night. Only with Nate. I look away, willing myself to stop thinking, especially about Nate.
“You look deep in thought. What are you thinking about?” he asks. “Anything in particular?” I cringe, because if only he knew.
“Not really, just how different it is here, compared to back home.”
“Good different or bad different?” he asks.
I think about that. “Maybe something in the middle?” I reply.
He makes a face. “Well that doesn't sound very exciting. I think I'd rather hate something or love it than be indifferent about it.”
I smile. That’s an interesting way to look at things, but I guess I see his point. We keep walking through the park. It feels nice to be able to relax around him. Until he looks at me like he was a question burning in his mind. My heart races as I start to panic, trying to work out what it is. I think in that moment, I realize I like him much more than I want to admit to myself. He glances at me and I brace myself, not sure what to expect. It can’t be good though. It’s never good.
“Hey, you want to grab a coffee?” he asks.
“Sure.” I nod. Maybe it can be good. “I’d like that.”
We walk through the park and cross the road to a small coffee shop on the corner.
“They do the best coffee here.” Nate assures me. “I come here all the time after I run.”
“Caffeine and dairy.” I tease, doesn’t that defeat the purpose?”
“I need the incentive.” He chuckles. “Otherwise I’d never run.”
“How about you sit down, and I’ll get our drinks.” Nate suggests when a sudden rush of people wander in.
“Sure,” I say. “I'll have a tall mocha latte, thanks.” I try to hand him some change, but he waves me off.
“I’m paying.”
I sit down and look around, paying attention to anything other than the butterflies going mad in my stomach. I don’t want to acknowledge how much I like this, because the moment I do, I'll focus on all the things I like about him. Like the way his hair flops into his eyes and he constantly pushes it back or his smile and that little dimple that appears in his left cheek whenever he's really happy about something. Granted, I haven't seen it very often. The few times I have, it's been from a distance, because the moment he sees me, that smile disappears.
I stare down at the table, reality setting in. Why did I even agree to coffee in the first place? This friendly little chat we’re about to have isn’t going to change anything.
I stand up and walk out the side door, leaving Nate in there alone.
Chapter 9
Nate
I arrive at the country club for lunch, still trying to work out what went wrong this morning. One minute, she’s there, and the next, there’s two old ladies sitting at the table where she’d been moments earlier.
Was that her plan all along, to ditch me in the coffee shop?
No. I don’t believe that.
She was genuine when I first ran into her. I was sure of that. I push her out of my mind and walk into the club. I find the familiarity of the place comforting with everything else going on in my life. There didn’t seem to be much that I could be sure of at the moment, but this place never changed, just like us meeting here regularly hadn’t changed in years.
I’d been meeting Matt, Rex and Mom here for lunch once a month for as long as I could remember, and then Shana and Charlene when they became part of the family too. It’s funny, no matter how dysfunctional our relationship got, when we came in here, everything was just like it used to be. We could not be on speaking terms, but once we walk through these doors, we’d talk like everything was fine, and then resume whatever argument we were having as soon as we left. This was our
‘normal’ routine that we did every month.
I enjoyed our catch ups much more than I wanted to admit. Only today, as I approach our table, I’m not looking forward to it. Most of the time, I already feel like the fifth wheel, but today is one of those days where hanging out with my brothers is only going to magnify it for me. My mother had cancelled, which meant it really would just be the five of us.
Even from the other side of the room as I approach their table, I can see Matt, Charlene, Shana and Rex all laughing at something. I feel myself tense, because I alternate between feeling like I’m on the outside of a private joke or like I’m trying to ignore how overly affectionate they are as couples. I pretend it doesn’t get to me, but it does.
My heart pounds as I study my brothers. They were both once so cynical about love and romance. I was the only one who wanted that kind of life, so it was ironic that I’m the one who doesn’t have it. It’s still so surreal to think of Matt as being married with a kid and Rex. God, the idea of Rex in a serious relationship is something I’ll never get used to. I think Shana is literally the only woman who could put up with his shit. Though to his credit, he has calmed down a lot over the last few months. Both of them in long term relationships. I shake my head, because not even they would have thought that was possible two years ago. The funny thing is Grandfather pushed them into the exact opposite of what he had been hoping to achieve. I smirk, because if he were alive, that would kill him all over again.
My amusement slowly fades and gives way to the anxiety that I feel when I think about love. Their happiness and laughter make me realize how much I want what they have. A relationship, someone to share my life with. I want that so bad. But what if I’ve left it too late? I’ve put so much of my life into the charity that everything else in my life got pushed aside. I think I convinced myself that there wasn't someone out there for me, but what if there was and through all this, I’d missed my chance?
I shook my head. I need to get a grip on myself. I’m falling apart. Not only that, I have much bigger things on my mind right now. Like losing my entire world. My focus needs to be saving this charity before Angela tears it apart, not pining over a relationship that I never really lost in the first place.
I breathe out heavily, then suck in all the air I can muster and force a smile on my face.
“Hey,” I say, sinking into a chair.
“Hello,” Charlene says. She smiles up at me.
“It’s about time.” Matt chimes in. I roll my eyes and grab one of the menus from the middle of the table, just to give myself something to focus on.
“Yeah, what gives? You used to be the timely one.” Rex teases. “If that’s changed, I wonder what else has," he says, his dark eyes flashing with amusement. I roll my eyes at his dry sense of humor.
“Sorry, I was held up in a meeting with Angela,” I explain, saying her name like it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
“Interesting.” Matt murmurs, his smile wide. He shoots Rex a look and they both chuckle.
“I think I see where this is heading,” Rex says.
I laugh. “If that’s what you think, then no, you don’t.” As if that was ever going to happen. “And if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not talk about her and risk ruining my appetite. Maybe we can save the business talk for after lunch?” I suggest.
“If you say so.” Matt grins. “But there will be questions. I promise you.”
I smother a sigh and study the menu. If that’s the case, then I better make this lunch last.
I order a steak, medium rare, and then I pretend to listen to the four of them as they chat. If they notice I’m quiet, they don’t mention it. I push my food around on my plate, only forcing myself to eat when one of them looks at me. Rex glances over. He nods at my half eaten steak. I motion for him to help himself, which he gladly does. Anyone else would’ve asked why I haven’t eaten much, but Rex was only concerned with how soon he could have it. I smiled and stifled a yawn.
“Okay,” Matt says, pushing his empty plate away from him. He glances at Rex and I. “Shall we go and have a drink?”
Charlene rolls her eyes. “What are you, fifty years old? You can drink here, you know.” She adds.
“True, but Nate might not want to spill all the dirty details of his hot meeting with Angela in front of you two ladies.”
“Trust me, there will be no spilling either way.” I assure him.
We get up anyway and walk over to the bar to have that drink.
“Are you sure you're okay?” Matt asks when we sit down.
I shrug and sip my scotch. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah. I’m not buying it.” He chuckles. “The last time I saw you this sullen, Macy Smith had stolen your ball at school.”
“I was six and I loved that ball,” I retort. “I’m just frustrated. She’s just so god damned…” I shake my head, because I couldn’t even explain how she makes me feel. “I know I have to go along with some of her suggestions if I’m going to save the charity, and all that, but it’s so hard working with her when all I want to do is strangle her.”
“She can’t be that bad.” Matt laughs.
“She takes all the emotion out every decision she makes, like it’s nothing. She’s like a younger, female version of grandfather.” Matt whistles as I nod. “In fact, I bet that was exactly the reason he liked her so much. She’s pretty much him in a skirt with lipstick slapped on.”
Rex loses it at that, and pretty soon we’re all laughing. I have to admit, it feels good to laugh. I didn’t know how to explain it to the two of them. She drives me crazy. Everything about her irritates me. She’s domineering, bossy, stubborn, and that’s just the beginning.
“She just irritates the fuck out me,” I mutter.
I’m overcompensating to cover the fact that the other side of her, the one I saw briefly in the park today, I really like. I can’t let my brothers know that, or I’ll never hear the end of it.
Matt chuckles and glances at Rex.
“Why are you laughing?” I say, frowning at him.
He puts his hands up defensively.
“Hey, don’t take your sexual frustrations out on me.” He teases. I narrow my eyes at him, wishing he’d stop going on about that. This definitely isn’t it sexual frustration.
“Uh huh. Sure.” Matt grins. He puts his arm around my shoulder. “Look, I know you’re not coping with this very well, but just consider the bigger picture here. At the end of the day, she’s just been hired to do a job. You can’t hate her for that.”
“I don’t hate her.” I frown.
“Hate who?”
I turn around to see Shana and Charlene have joined us. Shana drapes her arm casually around Rex’s shoulders while she frowns at me.
“You’re talking about Angela, aren’t you?” she asks. “She’s not the tyrant you think she is, you know. She’s actually very sweet and genuine.”
“Are you serious?” I laugh. “And you know that from the five minutes you’ve spent with her?”
“We’ve been out for drinks. I’ve probably spent more time with her than you have.” She points out. “She’s nice. I like her a lot.”
“I do too.” Charlene chimes in. Her eyes sparkle as she looks at me. “Hey, maybe what you need to do is loosen her up a little.”
“Yeah, maybe all she needs is a good fuck.” Rex adds. “It worked for me.”
That earns him as sharp poke in the side from Shana. “Hey, I was just kidding,” he assures her. He kisses her on the cheek. She rolls her eyes, while he turns to me winks.
“Not the crude way I’d have put it, but think about it,” Charlene says.
I nod, considering their words. At this point, I’m not sure what I have to lose. At the very least, maybe I could work out what had her so spooked back at the center, and work from there. I down the rest of my drink, still thinking about the possibility of seducing her. I doubt it will even work on someone like her, but maybe it’s still worth thinking about?
I’d be wasting my time that would be better spent elsewhere.
But then again, isn’t that what I do anyway?
I head home get changed and then head out for a jog again to clear my head. Two in one day. I must be tense. I run around the lake and then cut through the park, forcing myself not to think about how cute she looked with her flushed cheeks, or the way her chest rose and fell in quick succession as she recovered from her sprint. Then the way she casually told me her speed, like I hadn’t been watching her for ten minutes before hand. I kept that bit to myself because I didn’t want to come across as creepy. So much for not thinking about her.
I frown and think about what Matt and Rex were saying. Is it really an option to seduce her? I shake my head, the idea that it’s that simple is hard to get my head around. There’s no way she’d go for it. Sure, it would be fun, and I’d be kidding myself if I said I hadn’t thought about kissing her. I’d thought about it a few times, and every time I followed it up with anger at myself for wanting someone who had no regard for me at all. I’m a mess when it comes to Angela. I hate what she represents, but I can’t deny I’m attracted to her. And the more I get to know her, I see glimpses of a woman that is sweet and funny and nice. Which makes me wonder if Shana is right. Maybe the problem isn’t Angela. Maybe it’s me.
Maybe even falling in love for real isn’t out of the question.
Look how things worked out for Matt and Rex. I laugh, annoyed at myself for how weak I’m being. I’ve gone from entertaining the idea that maybe she’s nice, to falling in love with her? I shake my head. Where the fuck am I coming up with this shit? Now I’m really losing the plot.
It’s a waste of time even thinking about it, because it will never work. Fake or real, Angela is nowhere near as receptive to something like that as both Shana and Charlene were. They obviously wanted a relationship on some level. Nothing about Angela suggests that she wants anything more than to do her job and get out of here.