Drew gave me this look. “I was over there, but Nick came home to get some stuff, and I decided to just wait here for him … that guy Kenny’s kind of weird.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Yeah,” I agreed.
“You should stay away from him Brooke,” Drew said, sounding concerned, which was odd.
“I plan to,” I murmured matter-of-factly, though this conversation seemed, well, odd.
“Good,” Drew nodded, like trying to emphasize that he was serious.
“Well,” I faked a yawn. “I’m going to bed.”
It’s not that I wouldn’t have loved to stay up all night talking to Drew, because I would have—thoroughly. Obviously. But it felt weird having him be so attentive to me, and he was being wayyy attentive.
It wasn’t like it used to be last year, when we were relaxed and friendly. He looked at me so differently now, as if he were interested in way more than just my friendship, which in a way was gratifying and pleasing to me beyond belief, but it also made me feel all kinds of uncomfortable. I really had no idea how to act. This was Drew, the boy I knew all my life. The boy I couldn’t get to notice me if I had jumped off a ten story building and splattered at his feet. The boy I had worshipped since the third grade. The boy that had loved my friend Laurie with all his heart … until recently.
It all baffled me to no end and left me feeling awkward and uncertain how to behave with him … so I faked the yawn. But my easy escape plan was foiled because (to my shock and utter bliss) he grabbed my arm!
“Come on, keep me company until your brother comes back.”
The way his eyes peered into mine so exquisitely had my heart thumping wild.
“Drew, I really am tired,” I lied again, and added another yawn to emphasize. I reminded him: “I had to be to school at seven this morning to set up for the awards banquet.”
“Oh yeah, I saw you there with Ethan Philips.” His brow scrunched up. “Are you two becoming a couple?”
As he asked that he dropped my arm. Probably not out of displeasure at the thought of Ethan and me getting together or anything romantic like that, but probably more because he had forgotten that he was even holding it. My arm felt funny (kind of cold and lonely) from having been gently held so long and then let go like that—so abruptly, like he was just remembering that he had a girlfriend and shouldn’t be holding another girl’s arm, especially when his warm hand felt so nice and … perfect.
I swallowed. “I don’t know,” I answered about Ethan hesitantly, but honestly. “I used to like him, last year, but he didn’t even notice I was alive. Now he treats me really different—special—but I feel kind of weird around him.”
—just like I feel around you, I could have added but didn’t.
Drew peeked at me guardedly, like he knew what I was thinking.
He cleared his throat and quickly changed the subject, “You want to play cards?”
Okay, he didn’t have to twist my arm. This was Drew! It was exciting to me to have him all to myself on a Friday night.
However, during our game he quickly brought Ethan up again.
“So, you used to like Ethan, but now that he likes you, you feel weird?”
“Ummm, yes,” I answered.
He made it sound perhaps abnormal, and I don’t know, maybe it was abnormal to feel that way, but it was the way I felt. So I said, “Yeah. That’s basically it.”
“Why do you feel weird?” he pressed sounding puzzled.
“I don’t know. I guess because he acts kind of weird now.” I tried to answer him as best as I could, but I already knew what his response would be to that, and I was right.
“Describe what you mean by weird.”
“I don’t know.” I laughed nervously. “Can we change the subject?”
“Come on Brooke, try to explain,” Drew coaxed. “I really want to understand.”
My heart thumped.
I really, truly liked talking with him, and I was frantically pleased and flattered that he was so interested in my life. But come on, this was an uncomfortable thing to talk about—well, anyway for me to talk about. I didn’t exactly even understand how I was feeling myself, so that made it impossibly difficult to try to explain it to Drew. I mean, come on, Drew, who I basically worshiped as a God. And especially it was hard to talk about it right now, since he kept staring at me like that—all lingering and longing.
But, because it was Drew, I took a deep breath and tried to explain. “He’s changed, and it’s weird. I know I use that word too much, but it describes how he’s acting. He doesn’t act normal, like he used to. He acts like he’s trying to impress me or something. It just makes me feel kind of weird. I mean when he doesn’t act natural then its really hard for me to act natural, and I start feeling really uncomfortable, and don’t want to be around him because I feel awkward around him. But it’s more than that, really. The thing is, I like him fine. I mean he is a really nice guy—but last year I liked him, and I went out of my way to be friendly to him and he just couldn’t be bothered with me. Now this year he treats me as if I am the most special person on the planet. It makes me feel really weird because I haven’t changed. I’m still just the same person I was last year. But all the sudden I’m just so fascinating to him.” I drew out a breath, scoffing at my blundering. “Do you understand now?”
“Yeah, I think I do,” he said, gazing at me thoughtfully. “It’s like when I started playing football for the school. All the sudden people that never even talked to me before started inviting me to their parties, and wanting to hang out with me, and I had somehow become so incredibly cool, but it was weird because I hadn’t changed at all. I was just the same guy I was the year before, except that I was on the football team.”
I gazed intently at my cards. He did understand how I felt. I may not have expressed it very well, but it didn’t matter, because he got it. Completely. He understood.
I swallowed, then dared to choke out, “Why are you here instead of at Laurie’s?”
I blurted it out, totally changing the subject, but I had been curious about it ever since I realized he was here, and right now I just really needed to change the subject. So … I dared asked. Finally.
He flashed me a curious look. “She went to her cousin’s for the weekend.”
He answered it as though I should have known. It was possible that she’d mentioned it to me, but if she did, I didn’t remember it at all. Not that I listened that close to Laurie most of the time. (Sad, but true.) I mean, she talks a lot and I’m not really that interested in most of the stuff she talks about since I’m kind of not up on the popular people at our school, or fashion, or … Laurie stuff.
I swallowed. “Nick’s been gone a long time.”
I jerked the conversation around again, just because, well, we were alone—Drew and I. And it seemed maybe we shouldn’t be. I mean, okay, we probably definitely shouldn’t be. The guy had kissed me, and I had a massive crush on him—these things did not bode well for a happy ending. Well, not for a guy in a relationship. And me friends with his girlfriend … or the fact he had a girlfriend.
“Yeah, he has been gone a long time,” Drew agreed with a smile, not sounding worried at all. His grin quirked playfully, “Kind of rude to just leave me here, isn’t it?”
“Well, it’s weird that he did.” I gazed at my cards, then dared ask, “Why are they practicing so late anyway?”
“They aren’t practicing over there, they’re having a party.” Drew studied my bowed head while I tried to act interested in my cards and like I didn’t notice he was trying to get me to look at him. His voice came out massively concerned, “Brooke, that guy Kenny is obsessed with you, or something. He won a round of darts and then kept telling Nick to go home and get you—that he wanted you for his prize.”
A shudder went through me.
I bit my lip, needing to change the conversation. “So, you were at the party, too?”
“Yeah, but like I said, Nick had some stuff he needed
to get from here, so I had him drop me off. He said you were out babysitting, but I thought I’d wait for you.”
“To take me to the party to be Kenny’s prize?” I asked horrified and unable to hide the disgust I felt.
“No.” Drew laughed a little at my confusion. Then he added softly, “—to talk to you.”
Tingles ran through my body. He wanted to talk to me! He had stayed here, missing a party, to talk to me.
I tried to get a grip. Breathe, Brooke.
“Talk to me about what?” I asked hesitantly, trying to prepare myself for a big let-down topic, like what should he get Laurie for her Birthday, or something like that. (Well, that used to be what he would talk to me about.)
Drew shook his head slightly. “Nothing really, just talk, like we’re doing.” He peeked into my reluctant eyes. “I wanted to make sure everything was okay between us after the other night.”
I groaned. I meant to just do it inwardly—in my head—but it came out of me sort of loud. And tortured-like.
“—and the kiss,” he added, just as I knew he would, which is mostly why I groaned.
“Let’s not talk about it,” I urged/pleaded/commanded.
Drew thumped his forehead lightly on the table, then gazed up at me silently for a moment. “I just think we should talk about it. Won’t you please talk to me about it?”
“Drew, I can’t. Can’t we just forget it?”
His jaw muscles flickered. He stared at me looking pensive.
Slowly he shook his head. “I can’t forget it.”
Neither could I. But I couldn’t tell him that. No way.
No way, no way, no way.
He drew out a breath as he continued to stare at me and I continued to stare at my cards as though they were absolutely fascinating—though I couldn’t really even see them.
“Okay, lets not talk about the kiss then. Let’s talk about the other night,” he said in resign, his voice husky and low. “What happened the other night, Brooke? We were talking, and having a good time—at least I was having a good time—and then you got scared or something. Brooke, what scared you?”
“I don’t know,” I hedged. But then I couldn’t help smiling. I tilted my head up at him. “You were having a good time?”
“Yeah. Weird, huh?”
He grinned, “I have a good time just studying when I’m with you.”
My smile broadened with pleasure. To idiotic proportions. I attempted to hide it with my cards and tried desperately to think melancholy thoughts to calm my face down, but no way was that on the agenda. Not even close. Drew’s splendid compliment danced around in my head, making it impossible to think about anything else. He liked being with me!
“That makes you happy?” he asked highly amused. “Well, good. So what happened to spoil our moment?”
I swallowed, but knew I had to call him out on it. “You said you had been thinking about me a lot.”
His jaw muscles flickered. He stared at me intently. “That bothers you, that I’ve been thinking about you?”
I nodded—because duh.
“You’re my friend’s boyfriend, and you’re my friend, and I want us to stay friends—both you and me, and Laurie and me—and if you keep playing around with my head I doubt in the end any of us will still be friends.”
He shook his head, looking frustrated. “I’m not playing around with you Brooke.”
“Okay, well, then please stop whatever it is you are doing, and let’s just go back to being friends.”
I thought maybe he would play innocent and ask what I was talking about, saying he wasn’t doing anything, but he didn’t play that game. Instead he just dryly added an ending comment to my plea, “—so you can feel comfortable.”
“Yeah, so I can feel comfortable.” I looked him in the eye challengingly. “Is that so bad to just want to feel comfortable?”
“No, but there’s more to life than just being comfortable.”
“Yeah, there’s friendship. Drew, I need the few friends I have. Since Rachel died I’ve realized I don’t have many. It would be so easy to keep playing this game you’ve started and end up with none.”
“Brooke it’s not a game, stop calling it a game.”
“Can we just go back to acting like friends?” I pleaded.
“We can do whatever you want.”
He said it softly, sounding as though it held a lot of significance. Like, ‘The ball is in your hands Brooke, do with it what you will. We can stay friends, and you can stay comfortable forever loving me from afar, or you can take a chance on me being honest with you, and believe that I really have feelings for you.’
It was like whatever I decided to do he would go along with. But it was strange because the truth was: I didn’t have a choice. At all. He was my friend’s boyfriend, and the fact that he was anybody’s boyfriend meant that all I could do was choose the friendship scenario; there was no other option even available. It was either stay friends … or not stay friends. That was it. The only options.
His words bounced around in my brain like a cruel joke—‘We can do whatever you want.’
“Then let’s just play cards,” I said.
He drew out a breath and ran a hand over his face, then he said softly with disappointed resign, “Okay.”
For a while we played in silence. I was nervous that he was mad at me or something, since Drew isn’t one of those guys that doesn’t talk. However, he’s not one that gets mad either.
I was relieved when he started talking again—which didn’t take very long, yet felt like an awkward eternity.
We mostly talked about school, then Drew said, “Nick’s band sounded really good tonight.”
He went on to tell me funny stuff that happened at the party, and things felt like they did last year between us, and I did feel extremely comfortable and content. There’s a lot to be said for friendship.
Still, I found myself gazing at his hands dreamily, wondering what it would be like to have such big, strong things lovingly caress me. I yearned to experience such an extraordinary phenomenon. It seemed it would be … spectacular. Exquisitely amazing.
I jerked out of my twisted fantasies of his hands to find him silently watching me as though he knew what I had been fantasizing. Convoluted yearning stirred in me. I wanted him so bad—but it was wrong.
What he didn’t understand was every look he gave me—everything he did and said—it all went right to my heart. That’s what his stare was doing to me now—clutching and caressing my tortured, haunted, longing heart.
I cleared my throat. “I should go to bed,” I choked out after a moment of being mesmerized in his gaze.
As I started to get up, he gently grasped my arm. “Stay,” he requested huskily.
“I can’t.” My voice was full of emotion. “You know I can’t. So this is some sort of twisted game to you—”
“Brooke, it’s not—”
“Yes it is! You talk about Laurie and her birthday party coming up—but you look at me like you want to kiss me. You’re playing a game and I’m not used to that kind of stuff with you—and I don’t want to play.”
Drew lowered his brow.
He gently held on to me again as I rose from the table. I tried to squirm away from his hold, but it was no use. None. He’s a gigantic football player.
He gently backed me up against the wall. He caged me against it, his large hands coming on either side of me. He stared into my eyes, his voice coming out earnest and constrained, “I’m not playing a game with you, Brooke. I wish I was, but I’m not.”
When I ducked my gaze to avoid his lingering stare, he drew out a frustrated breath.
His shoulders rose and fell, then he held both my wrists in one hand, using his other to cup my chin. He gently made me look up into his eyes again. “I’m not playing a game.”
I had never heard Drew be so serious in all my life. He was always playful and teasing and full of humor. It kind of scared me to see him so serious.
&nb
sp; Holding my breath, I whispered, “What are you saying?”
Was he saying that he loved me now too? Had I suddenly joined the school football team in Drew’s eyes?
“I think you know what I’m saying,” he said as he let go of my wrists. He moved his large hands back to either side of me on the wall, his eyes staying glued to mine.
I could feel the heat from his body. And imagined I could feel his heart pounding as hard as mine.
“Please let me go, Drew,” I begged.
He shook his head slightly. Didn’t let me go. Instead, he stared at me frustrated and intently, as though he had so much he wanted to say if I would only let him.
But after a moment he relented. “I’m going to let you go Brooke, but we can’t go back to the way we were. My feelings have changed for you, and I’m really sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, but I can’t pretend that things aren’t different between us, because they are.”
After he said those words he slowly reluctantly backed away from me, letting me go.
I could feel his lingering gaze glued to me as I wobbled away from him. But I didn’t look back at him or say a word.
What could I say?
Yes, things were definitely different between us, but they shouldn’t be.
They couldn’t be.
CHAPTER 12
After leaving staring Drew in my kitchen, I shakily hobbled up to my room and threw myself across my bed. I was so confused. And torn. I loved him so much my heart hurt. So, of course it was full of joy and dramatic stuff learning that he cared about me so intensely, yet at the same time, it sort of ached (painfully bad) because in a way, I had lost my hero—the Drew that I had loved since the third grade, that boy could do no wrong. He was replaced by a person with human emotions and feelings, a person who could cheat on his girlfriend if given the opportunity. That made me so sad.
Before that kiss I had thought of him as above reproach. Alright, so I had pretty much thought of him as a God, but there had been reason—ample reason. Face it: until his recent feelings for me turned him into a “guy” I had never before seen him do anything wrong. Ever. The guy never cheated on anything, so I found it hard to believe he would cheat on his girlfriend. Yet … after our heart-stopping conversation tonight, it seemed he was willing to do just that. That knowledge did so many convoluted things to my confused heart—destroyed it, yet at the same time made me realize the possible extent of his feelings for me.
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