by Unknown
Nothing more is said on our drive. Once we get to the library, she opens her car door as if her damn pants are on fire, though. She comes flying to my side of the mustang to open my door and, I’m not ashamed to admit, I feel some level of distress. She grabs me hard, jerking me to her, enveloping me in one hellevua hug.
I smile into her shoulder, “I’ve missed you, too, Mace.” She’s not one for awkward moments, so when I give her this we just walk into the library office together without another word needing to be said.
I thought my morning drama was over. That is until the clock strikes noon and the second act begins. Peyton comes running to Mace and I with her face fixed in excitement. Someone please tell me that our friend Peyton wasn’t withholding exciting news because Mace Cash is such a bitch before lunch. If so, I have seen everything now. Unreal.
“O-M-G! I’m about to bust. I’ve been waiting until I knew Mace wouldn’t hurt me before I could tell you guys my news! I’m so excited! I can’t believe this is happening! I just can N-O-T…”
“What?” Wow, Mace, down girl. Yeesh.
“Sorry, Mace. I should have waited until your teeth weren’t showing to share my excitement with you.” Peyton looks at her because generally she is timid around Mace until she wakes up with the help of her coffee, but not today.
Moving this along. “What’s up, honey? What’s got you in such a dizzle?”
Mace hates when I use slang, so she’s glaring at me. She’s already miffed, so who cares.
“Derek and I are moving. We leave in a few weeks.” She waits for a response, but Mace and I are floored. This is her home. Her Gramma is here. The library is here. We are here.
I jump into Peyton’s news without consideration for her excitement. “No, you’re not. You’re kidding, right?”
At this point I’m too overwhelmed to hold back and think it best to lead this in lieu of Mace, who is standing beside me, scowling at Peyton. If I had her sunglasses in my hands I would offer them to her now.
“Yep. We are taking Gramma with us. We’re selling this place and moving to Montana. Derek loves me and everyone knows he loves my grandma. Grandpa is gone and she needs this change. She’s been sulking since last winter.”
She looks at me as if she thinks she hurt my feelings regarding her sullen observation. Doesn’t bother me a bit; I have been no stranger to sulking.
She continues, though. “You see it. Everyone sees it. Derek offered to help her out. He’s buying a ranch and I’m trading in my sketchers for cowgirl boots and we’re packin’ up and a-movin’ on.”
A new pool of sadness engulfs me. I can’t believe she’s leaving. I want my family here. I love Gramma. She’s sweet and she loves my son. Now she’s leaving him, too.
“I don’t know what to say.”
Mace speechless. That’s new.
“I don’t want you to leave. I know what to say. No. I don’t want you to leave.” My childish demeanor is back, no one likes it, but I can’t help it.
Peyton looks unhappy now. Damn it. She was so eager to tell Mace and I, we, just ruined it for her. “I’m sorry. I’m being selfish. I love you and I want you to be happy. I will just miss you is all. I can visit, though. Surely Mace and I can come see you and you can take us to your new Shell Horns. Eventually, we will come for a vacation without the boys, any of them. So, this decision then … it’s final?”
“Yes, we are going. I love Derek and I think he may be the one person that loves me even more than I deserve, so I’m going with him. He wants to make a life with me and he has always said he doesn’t fit in here. He’s a farm boy. There’s nothing for him here. No family or friends other than Gramma and I.”
Damn cowboys. Damn good hearted, hot looking, and friend stealing cowboys. Damn ‘em all.
I close in and hug her tightly. Mace still stands there with open mouthed. She’s processing and it will take a little time, but she will be okay, eventually. “Who will take care of you? I mean, I know Derek and your Gramma are there, but girl talk? Drinks at the club? Honey, you’re just twenty. What twenty year-old doesn’t need girlfriends?” And now I get it. She’s upset because one of her ducks is leaving the pond and she’s beside herself. She’s not processing, she’s wallowing.
“Mace … I will always need you. How long did you know you belonged to Shame before you actually belonged to Shame?”
Damn, Peyton, quick thinking. You just went in for the inside shot. Good girl.
“You’re right.” Mace hangs her head, wipes her eyes, then looks up and smiles at Peyton.
Chapter Four
“If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.”
-Ernest Hemingway
Mace and I are on the way home from the longest and most boring workday E-V-E-R. I have one more thing to do today before I can go home to my son. I need to explain this to Mace without her going crazy-nuts on me. I haven’t been to see Hem in over two months. Once the initial shock wore off and the hurt moved in, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to the cemetery and sit at the bench, to talk to a ghost. Seeing his grave marker was too much. I used to spend hours on that bench with him. Hours of time passing and talking to someone who wasn’t there. Mace worried so much during that period and I know if I ask her to take me today, she will get upset.
“Hey, can you do me a solid favor? You don’t owe me anything, but I would like some time alone this evening. It’s been a hectic day and Patrick is sure to be all rested up from April spoiling him with sleep. Would you take him back with you to your house to see Uncle Shame? Do you think Shame would care?”
“No, of course he won’t care. You sure you want to be alone? Nothing’s wrong though, right? You would tell me?”
“Not at all. Nothing’s wrong. I just want to relax a bit. I haven’t worked a full day in years. My lazy self wants to sit in the tub and soak with a bottle of wine near. I’m going to run to the store and get the good stuff, then just hang around and relax in the quiet.” I’m lying to her, but will make good on this later. This is me getting my ‘shit together.’
“Sounds good. If you get tired or tipsy, leave Patrick at the house and tomorrow Shame can watch him. It will serve my man right for being such a bear to me last weekend.”
She smiles, but I also know the man was leaving my house to reclaim his role as ‘her man.’ She enjoyed every bit of that. I know she did. He’s already planning for another son. He wants her pregnant again right after Ryder makes it to us so he can continue his quest for his life-long awaited family with her.
She drops me off at my car and goes in and talks to April on my behalf and to grab my boy. I don’t need to go inside for anything. I head straight to my car, then drive straight to Hem.
This visit isn’t the same as those previous. I’m going there to in a sense say goodbye to him and I really am ready, I think. It’s been over six months that I’ve seen Hem, alive. I’ve been waiting for him to come back to me. He’s not coming back and I need to tell him that I believe that now. He’ll listen, if only because he has no voice.
I pull up the side road and from here I see his tree and his bench… and his marker. No flowers are near him today. I didn’t stop on my way here to get him any, either. I should have thought enough to get him something, but I want this over with. It isn’t as though once this is done I won’t come back. Just maybe when I do it will be with a different perspective is all. I can’t continue being a mourning widow waiting for him to come take me with him. I have Patrick and he’s my priority. It’s just finally time to say, “I love you, but goodbye.”
As I sit on this bench with him beside me, I start to replay the memories. They are in vivid color. The first time he took me home with the intention of making me his. He knew I was waiting for him all those years and he made our first night together beautiful. A brief moment of indulgence to remember how he touched me, kissed me, and made love to me that night won’t hurt.
“Thank you for that, Hem. It was perfect. You we
re perfect. I miss you every day; God knows I miss you. I swear that won’t change. I won’t stop thinking about you or coming here to visit. I will bring Patrick with me and I won’t let him forget who you were or the reason you’re not here, because of what you did for us. I’ve loved you all my life, Hem. I can’t stop loving you, ever. You are inside me. Every memory I have of you is etched upon my heart. It has kept me going until now. I’m letting you go today. It’s time.”
“Please don’t be angry anymore and forgive me for leaving. It wasn’t a decision that came at no price to me. I would have stayed with you if I could have.”
“I hear you, Hem. I know that now. I’m not angry anymore. I’m still hurt, but I’m not angry and I forgive you. Thank you for giving me the best part of you. Patrick is healthy, safe, and he’s so loved.”
“I need to go now, honey. I have things to do and time to make up for. I will come back. I will bring you some whiskey next time.”
I smile as I look at his stone. Hem was so brave. I hope I can raise our son to follow his example.
Chapter Five
“Courage is grace under pressure.”
-Ernest Hemingway
This has been an emotional week. I’m glad it’s Friday and even though I’m not a fan of Peril parties, I’m going there tonight. I haven’t been to one in over six months. Although I go to the club on occasion, I don’t often hang around.
I want to talk to Shame about Ace. He can answer my questions and I have a list of them ready. I miss my friend and, damn it, I’ve made so much progress this week, I deserve to know where he’s at and how he’s been. Mace said she and Shame would be there tonight. She promised she would hold my hand through this initial visit in this capacity. It’s already nine o’clock. They have to be there by now.
During the drive there I’m tense. I don’t want to see Hem’s things in his room. Shame had asked me weeks ago if he could fix it up to be used as a guest room for when brothers from another chapter came for a visit. I never had any intention on returning to that room before, so I told him to do whatever he thought best. I’m sure having it all this time, used as a temple to Hem, hasn’t been healthy for anyone, including Shame and Mace.
Once I walk into the common area, I’m fine. As I set my things down on Hem’s leather chair, I smile. I find myself actually beaming at a memory that I ache for; Hem in that damn leather chair. He was my best friend most of my life, so I can be honest now and admit he was a bit lazy when he was home from a ride. His chair is tattered, lumped, ripped in places and a God-awful maroon color. It has my man’s ass prints on it. That’s what makes me chuckle out loud.
My contemplation can’t last, though.
“What’s funny, Sadey bug?” Oh my God, I know that voice.
I suck in a deep breath before turning around. One person, just one person in my life, has ever called me that. I know immediately who it is, but can’t turn around just yet.
“Sadey, hey… You alright?”
This is ludicrous. Pull it together, Sade.
I straighten my face and prepare to accept who and what I’m about to find. The voice hasn’t changed, at all. Of course in my crazy head I’m thinking that this could be just some sort of ‘Jedi’ mind trick. Ace can’t be here. I turn around and my heart stops beating in my chest.
Oh hell.
“Oh my God, Ace.” I’m staring. I’m staring at him hard. I’m ridiculous.
His body and his hair have changed. “The last time I saw you… your hair… Ace, I love it.”
He tilts his head to the side in confusion. I’m unsure what he doesn’t understand so I keep going.
“You grew. I mean, not like grew tall or anything, but ummm … Ace ... you’re huge and your hair is long. You look so different.”
He chuckles. A boyish, loving, quiet laughter and it’s for me. Well, kind of for me. More for my little-thought-out observation, but hell, he’s huge. I process my words only after I have said them; I can’t shut up. What I really want to do is hug the man, tight. I’ve missed him that damn much.
If I were a guy, I would just do it and not care what he thought. I wouldn’t be sitting here asking myself if it were okay to show him my affection. My decision is made; I’m doing it. I drop the rest of my things and reach for him. He doesn’t come back to me, though. He pushes me away a bit and stares at my face.
Shit! This is why women do not make decisions that should be made by a man. We aren’t mentally equipped to deal with humiliating rejection. Men are just used to it.
“Oh, okay, sorry. I thought ... I thought ... maybe you missed...” Yes, apparently this is my first day of speaking and let’s add that now, I’m mortified.
He’s still looking at me. He hasn’t said anything else. He’s just staring as if he doesn’t believe I’m okay after my brilliant demonstration of the English language. My ears are soiled with noise and music, but all that I hear and feel is my heart beat in my chest.
Shame doesn’t look surprised that I’m talking to Ace when he comes, rounding to us immediately upon walking through the front door. Realization comes instantly. Shame knew Ace was here, which means my best friend knew he was here, which means someone is going to get a well-deserved ass chewing.
Shame draws near and taps Ace on the shoulder to gain his attention. Finally, taking his eyes from mine, Ace looks to Shame and scowls a bit before relaxing his gaze back on me.
Shame looks in my direction, “You alright, buddy?”
He’s searching my face, looking for a reason to handle Ace like he used to. He’s tense and this puts me on edge.
“Umm, I’m alright. Just a little shocked. I’m going to put my stuff in Hem’s room. I’m staying here tonight because I had planned on having a few drinks and didn’t want to go home and umm…”
Shame stops my words mid-sentence, thank hell.
“Stop talking, Sadey. That room is yours. You wanna stay here, stay. You wanna drink, drink. I can have Honor or Gunner drive you home. I’ve already told them they aren’t drinking anything tonight.”
“Well, alright, if you’re sure it’s not a…”
Shame’s hand covers my mouth and he’s about an inch from my face, looking at me like he’s about to scold me for questioning him, so I nod and turn to go do what I said I was going to do.
Before I’m out of reach of Ace and Shame, though, I can hear Shame hiss something into Ace’s ear. Ace darts his hand to mine and grabs me before I can get away. I take a quick look back and see that Shame now has his hand wrapped around the back of Ace’s neck. The message Shame is sending him forces Ace to release his hold on my hand instantly.
On the way to Hem’s room I’m left trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Shame looks pissed that Ace is here. Ace looks like he’s obeying Shame when he doesn’t have to. He’s not part of this club. Shit, I don’t really even know what to think.
I open Hem’s door slowly. I’m nervous about possibly being emotionally assaulted by his things only to be pulled into the past again. Once I step in, though, I’m confused. Nothing is the same. Not one damn thing. Walls are painted, furniture is all new, and the carpet has been replaced. Hem doesn’t live here anymore. He’s not here. For the first time in so long, I’m thankful for that.
As I make my way back downstairs I mentally notice that I have a spring in my step. Surely I’m not as excited as I think that I am. I can’t help but recognize I’m looking forward to what tonight may bring. I want to find Ace and catch up on where his life has taken him. He’s back! I don’t know how long he’s back for, but now that I know this wasn’t a mind trick, I’m relieved to be able to spend some time with him again, like we used to.
“Hi, Sadey bug, I’ve been waiting for you.” Ace looks the same around the face. He’s so damn sweet and hearing him call me ‘bug’ brings back memories of him and they are all good. “How are you? I’ve been wondering when you would come back down.”
He stops me before I hit the bottom step. If I
would have kept moving I would have smacked right into him. “How long are you in town? No one told me you were coming.”
“It was a last minute decision. I had something I needed to talk to Shame about. I’m only here a few days, I guess. Not exactly sure, though, could be longer.”
“I’ve missed you.” There, I just put it out there for him to respond to however he wants.
One thing I’ve learned through all this shit is that time stops for no one and if there is something to be said, say it and mean it.
“Regrets cost too much in the end.” I learned this too late, Hem.
I’m still not off the last step, but he’s also blocking me on it. Being a step up gives me the personal advantage of standing eye to eye with him. Ace moves his hand into my hair and pushes it from my face and neck to behind my shoulders before dropping his arm from me. Not once does he contact my skin while doing this, but I still feel the heat from his near touch.
I think I hear him whisper so softly that I almost don’t understand him, “I’ve missed you too, baby.” Was it my imagination?
I close my eyes, but I don’t see Ace there. I don’t hear him either. A man with another face is holding inventory in my memory and I want to freeze this moment.
These flashes don’t ever last, though. Ace interrupts my memories. “Hey … you alright? You look lost.”
“I am lost. I’ve been lost for months. Where have you been? Why did you leave? You didn’t even come to my wedding. I thought we were friends, Ace. Mace told me you left for California. Was I of such little importance to you that you felt I didn’t deserve a goodbye?”
Wow, anxious much? I chastise myself for spitting questions at him in such an overwhelming manner. I would have kept going too, I was on a roll.