by Unknown
Turning my back to Ace, I start walking down the hall, taking Patrick to bed with me. “Sleep here then …Couch is yours. See you in the morning.”
“Bug, wait.” He starts up from the couch and come to me, but I don’t want to be near him right now. I have my son in my arms and I just want to go to bed. If Ace comes close to me now, I could do something stupid. I would regret it and it wouldn’t be fair to him.
I stop mid-motion and turn to him, “I’m really tired, Ace. What is it?”
“Dinner tomorrow. You said we could go to dinner. I’m gonna head out early in the morning to take care of some shit around here, so if I don’t see you before then, I will be here at seven tomorrow night to pick you up, okay?”
“Sure. I will be ready.”
With that, I turn and take my boy directly to my room. I want to hear him breathe tonight, I need to hear Hem.
Chapter Seven
"It’s funny," I said. "It’s very funny. And it’s a lot of fun, too, to be in love."
"Do you think so?" her eyes looked flat again.
"I don’t mean fun that way. In a way it’s an enjoyable feeling."
"No," she said. "I think its hell on earth."
-Ernest Hemingway
I’ve asked April and Honor to babysit for me tonight. April was ecstatic when I asked them, Honor not so much. “Sadey, I wanted to take my girl to ‘Ink’ tonight, told her I would let her pick out my next tattoo. She said if I let her, then she would at least consider getting something for herself. Her skin is gorgeous. She’s the perfect canvas for an artist. So far, no luck. She finally agreed to go with me and tonight was the night.”
April is the only girl I’ve ever seen at the club, with the exception of Mace and I that has no ink. “What did I tell you, Honor? Do you listen when I talk? I don’t think you do. Sadey, please explain to him that women don’t drool over ink. We tend to appreciate that when we get old, we may not want memories of a tattoo gun piercing through us, causing pain that can’t be forgotten.”
Oh, Honor, you’re never going to win this. Her mind is set. “Honey, I don’t know. I’ve wanted something on me since Shame and Hem came home with their first markings and they were much younger than we are now. Hem just never let Mace and I do it and I guess we never thought about it after his final word was given, even after we turned eighteen and could do it without parental consent. You can go with me when I finally do it.” I wink to Honor so he knows I can help him with this. If she sees Mace and I get one, she will change her mind. Ink is expressive and beautiful on a man or a woman.
As the debate closes, I’m hoping the two of them, together, will be able to handle a tiny child long enough for me to catch up with my friend and have a few drinks. I’m sure of it. Okay, I’m not sure of it, but I need this timeout, so I’m counting on it.
I never heard from Hem last night. I waited and waited in sleep, hoping to hear something. Waking this morning, I felt guilty for not being overwhelmed with sadness not hearing his voice in my sleep. Maybe telling him goodbye last week has helped keep his spirit from lingering so close to the surface.
The next debate is about to begin and I’m pressed for time. April bosses Honor around constantly. He likes it. “Honor, stop. You’re going to make him throw-up all over you and Sade’s floor, and I’m not cleaning it up.”
“Damn it, lady, I’m just rocking him. Don’t you know kids like to be rocked? Hell, Mama, I’m twenty-one fuckin’ years old and I still like to be rocked. There’s nothing wrong with that.” He blushes at his confession. I totally believe Honor likes to be rocked, cuddled, and loved. Big-hearted fool that he is, ink or not. April is a lucky woman.
“You are rocking him so hard he isn’t going to sleep. Let me have him.” She snatches him from Honor’s hold. Honor smiles at her and she smiles back at him because Honor keeps on rocking, all by himself, without my child in his arms.
God, those two are cute.
I’m not in the mood to witness them argue about rocking my son or watching them play Mommy and Daddy. “I’m going to go change real quick. If Ace gets here, can you just let him in and I will be out in a few minutes?”
Honor looks annoyed that Ace and I are going to dinner tonight, but he’s also been acting a little more protective of me since Ace came back to town. They all have. He still hasn’t said why, but I’m going to question Ace on all of this tonight. Honor doesn’t answer my request to see Ace in, so I see myself to my room.
Ace arrives at exactly seven o’clock. He sees Honor and declines the invite, given by April, to come in and say hi. Instead, he and I head off to his choice for dinner.
Once we get to the restaurant, I’m surprised at Ace. He remembers my love for Mexican food. After being seated and ordering our drinks, I’m ready to start the evening by first gathering some needed information.
“So there, Ace, this is the first time we have had to really talk since you came back. I feel like I have a lot of questions to ask you. You left so fast that I have a lot of missing pieces here that I’m still trying to pull together.” I start off slow and sweet, hoping he opens up about what’s going on and why all of sudden, out of nowhere, he’s back.
He and I are sitting in a booth near the rear of the restaurant. I’ve not been here before, and to be honest, I don’t even care about the food anymore. I just want answers at this point and to spend some time with my old friend. I’m staring at him closer now that it is just us, not a date by any means, but it feels intimate and I haven’t been out with a purpose in a long time. I find that it relaxes me.
“Sadey bug, whatever you want to know, shoot. I know you deserve that from me. I left in a hurry and I know you were probably confused by that. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I just abandoned you. I left it all, everything, and everyone.”
“Why would you do that? I mean, where did you go? I thought we were your home. I mean, Peril, wasn’t that your home?”
“It was. Things changed. I wanted to explore and find things that maybe I was missing.” I know how he’s feeling. I feel so much missing from my life since that time as well.
“Are you seeing anyone?” I’m flabbergasted at myself, that I just asked him a question so personal. I won’t lie. It would be pointless; I’ve wondered if after all this time he ever found his person, the one that makes him content.
“No, I’m not. I thought I had found someone to make me happy back in California, but I was so wrong. Oh God, I was so wrong.” He looks sad as he sits across from me. There must be someone he’s running from. In the very least, someone that has hurt him enough that he felt leaving was his only option.
“Where is home? Where will you go when you leave again? Surely you aren’t staying here. You weren’t happy before, so I’m going to guess that hasn’t changed.”
He looks directly into my eyes and says with certainty, “I am happy here, with you. I just can’t stay here. Too much has happened. I swear, shit follows me everywhere. I have a little sister back in California. Not sure if I ever told you that. Her name is Sarah. She’s a lot to handle, but she’s the reason I went back home. She’s fourteen and my grandma told me she had been struggling, trying to stay out of trouble, but like me, it follows her around like a cloak.”
I’ve never met a guy that holds eye contact the way he does. Not even Hem. There is a no-nonsense tone to his responses and he doesn’t stop looking at me with understanding. I don’t want to pry into his life. I want him to tell me more about it, willingly. I will start this, though, by being honest.
“I’ve missed you. I know that sounds small, but it’s the truth. After you left, I thought about you a lot. So much has happened in six months. Everything has changed.”
He stops moving, staring into my eyes as if he’s looking for answers in them, but I don’t know the questions. Before more time passes, he reaches across the table to take my hand in his. I’ve never touched his hands other than when I was completely overcome with grief, after finding out I was pre
gnant the night the ambulance came to the house. When we fooled around all those times before, it wasn’t as if we were lovers, so holding hands wouldn’t have been natural. They are so warm, inviting, and my hand feels small in his. Not safe necessarily, but small. He’s laced his fingers in mine and is still staring at me with intention.
“Sade, talk to me. Tell me what’s on your mind. You have something heavy weighing. Please trust me enough to tell me.”
“Other than I’m glad to see you? Nothing. I am, ya know, so happy to see you. When Hem…well he died. You already knew he died.”
“Yes, bug, I know. He gave himself to Warren to keep everyone he loved safe. I admire him for that. I’ve heard all about it.” His answer is quick and to the point.
Hem and Ace didn’t always see eye to eye. Hem felt threatened by Ace and I having a friendship, hence the beating Ace took that was ordered by Hem. Although Ace may admire Hem’s actions in doing what he did for us, and I would agree that to love someone to that degree is admirable, it’s the pain those that live within his wake, that isn’t enough.
“He did. He left me one evening after dinner and he never came back. Shame found him, found what Warren had done to him. Shame gutted Warren just one room away from where Hem lay dead. Shame said Hem was already gone when he got there. None of us here have been the same since.”
“How did Shame know he was dead? I mean, I know Shame got there too late, but that was all I heard. How did Hem die?”
That question strikes me not only ridiculous, but wearily odd. Why would anyone ask a widow how her husband was killed, when ultimately, he was murdered. In my mind, if someone is murdered there is no more question of how they died. They were just murdered. Going into detail about how he was killed wouldn’t add any good to the definition of his death. In my pause, Ace has let go of my hand and he’s running his hands on his jeans. He’s sweating.
“He just knew. Hood had gotten there before Shame did. I don’t know how he knew what Shame and the others were planning. After Hood explained what happened and that Hem was already gone, Shame went nuts. You’ve seen that his temper never fares well in those situations, obviously. It took Hood, Gunner, Honor, and Raider to get Shame to leave Angels compound without Hem. In turn, Hood let Shame have Warren, he gave him that. Then Hood finished clean-up, making sure the monster was dead.”
He grabs my hand in his again, holding my fingers tightly in his palm, “Look Sade, I’m going to just say this and you can do with it whatever you want. I’m sorry I wasn’t here when Hem left you. I know how much you love him.”
“Loved him, Ace. I loved him. He’s gone. I’ve let him go. My life isn’t over and if Shame hears me refer to Hem as alive again, he’ll have my ass. I do love the memory of Hem, but that’s all I can love in present tense.”
Ace’s face pales, actually loses color, at my words. I’ve never admitted anything like that out loud. Truth isn’t always easy to get out, but once it is it seems easier to believe.
After he gathers himself again, he continues, “I was there to witness your love for him again and again, believe me. Either way, Sadey, I should have been here for you. If you or Patrick needs anything from me, I’m here now and will do whatever I can.”
“Oh, don’t feel sorrow for me. I told you, I’ve let him go. He’s gone, and I’m here. I can’t walk with the dead forever, right?”
He smiles at my gruesome retort, but he’s not convinced I’m alright. “Shame has taken Hem’s place with Patrick. Mace doesn’t have long before Ryder gets here, so I think the practice is good for Shame.”
I’ve struck him again with my words, and with that, he releases my hand and moves away from me for the second time within just minutes of our conversation. I don’t know what’s bothering him. He’s a closed book, damn it.
“Can we change the subject? When I asked you to dinner, I wasn’t asking for you to have to relive all this.”
I smile at him and he grabs my hand again for the third time, lacing his fingers with mine. I am not simple to the fact that his gesture, hand holding, has a deeper meaning behind it. I’m just not there with him on that. “Yes, please.”
“So, how was labor for you?” I spit out the water I had begun to swallow before hearing the question asked.
“Damn, Ace, really? You want to ask a woman that over dinner?” Good thing he’s hot because his conversation skills are not how he would ever be able to reel a woman into falling madly in love with him.
I can’t be infuriated with him. He’s making conversation. He just happens to suck at it.
“Oh, I don’t know. I guess I could describe it being like getting your teeth pulled without a pain killer. Or maybe having your insides ripped apart for hours upon hours with no definite end in sight? Who are you, Ace? Why would ever ask a woman that question?”
He raises his hands in surrender and I can see his biceps flexing again through his shirt. How did I never notice this before? He’s a beautiful man.
We have finished dinner and I’m enjoying my third Mexican margarita, thinking to myself that I have to come here more often. These things are delicious. Ace has moved to my side of the booth and is sitting close, but not close enough to express to others that we are a couple. He is staring at me and the alcohol is racing through my system now and his heavy stare is causing me to blush. He lets out a sweet small smile at me, knowing what his gaze is doing.
All of a sudden, as if someone is telling me to take a timeout, my phone rings in my purse. I know who this has to be. I look away as I rummage through it, at the same time, trying to gather myself before answering. Looking at the caller ID, I find I was right. It’s Honor calling.
“Sorry. I didn’t mute it because I wanted to be sure if Honor and April needed anything I could hear it.” He looks dejected, but nods in agreement.
Before I get even a ‘hello’ out, he starts speaking, “Sadey, Patrick hasn’t stopped crying and he’s running a slight fever. April and I can handle it until you get home and we don’t think there’s really anything to worry about at all, but she thought you would want to know anyway, in case you wanted to call the night short and get home.”
“No, thank you for the call. I’m coming back now. We just need to get the ticket, then we should be home in less than thirty minutes. Don’t do anything other than put a cold cloth on him, okay?”
“Yeah, we got it. Be careful. No need to rush, he’s fine.” says the man with no children. When someone calls and tells you that your child is sick, a new baby, none the less, there is always a need to rush.
“Gotta go, Ace. I’m sorry. Honor called to tell me he thinks Patrick is sick.”
“No worries, bug. Let me pay the ticket and we...” Before he finishes the sentence, his phone rings. Surely Honor wouldn’t have called him, too.
As he looks at his screen, his face pales. “I have to take this. Can you take my wallet for the bill and I will meet you back here in five? I won’t be long.”
I nod to him as I grab his wallet from his hand. He walks away and doesn’t look back to me as he heads to the front door. Once I look inside to find payment, I see an old photograph sticking out behind some other pictures and I gasp. It’s a picture of me. I’m at the club.
I remember the night with great fondness, even if beyond my fondness, the hurt haunts me. This was the last time I ever saw Ace; the night of Hem’s tender proposal, the night I also told him he was going to be a father. The picture has me standing at the bar, getting Hem another shot of whiskey, of course. Mace and I are talking. Shame is wrapped up in her from behind, as he always is. I’m smiling at her and she’s scowling at something I’ve said. I grin to myself thinking it was probably something at her expense.
The picture is so beaten up and looks like it has been handled often. My heart avoids beating for a moment, as I continue to notice that this is the only picture that hangs loose in his wallet.
I don’t make a comment about the image as we are on the way back to the house
. I’m worried about Patrick. He’s so little, and as a new mother, I’m concerned about every sneeze, and now he has a fever. I’m about to get out of Ace’s car as I turn in my seat to him to tell him goodbye.
He stops me before I can reach for the handle. “Wait, bug. I’m walking you to the door. Don’t move.”
“Okay, I won’t move.” He’s on edge. I can’t tell if he’s nervous or just being protective again.
Once we get to my front door, I can see Honor through the window, holding a sleeping Patrick in the rocker. My boy appears to be completely crashed on Honor’s chest and Honor looks like he’s smelling Patrick’s hair. The smell of a new baby is truly spellbinding, I don’t care who you are.
Ace and I are standing at my door. I’m waiting for him to leave now that he knows I’m safely escorted, but he doesn’t. He’s looking around the house, as if he’s expecting the boogey man to come charging at us, out of nowhere. I never got a chance at dinner to find out why he seems on edge.
“Sadey, thanks for spending this evening with me. I had a good time.” His only dimple is highlighted by the porch light and his chiseled features look even more prominent. Beautiful man.
“Thank you for getting me out of this house. I had a good time and I’m sorry about the abrupt ending.”
“Sadey, there’s a lot of things I need to tell you, things I know I should have told a long time ago, but didn’t. I just don’t know how, exactly.”
He moves my hair from my face, putting it behind my ear. He has beautiful eyes, big and brown and full of life, just like mine once were. He leans close to me and through my alcohol induced state I lean into him, meeting him half way.
I feel his lips on mine and it isn’t unwelcome, just unexpected. It’s quick and innocent but it’s definitely the same lips I used to kiss before. He’s familiar and I’m clinging to that.
“Goodnight, bug. If you need me tonight to be here to help with Patrick, you let me know, okay? I can sleep on your couch again, it’s not a problem.” He turns from me to leave, heading back to his car.