by Unknown
Hem is still sitting motionless not ten feet from where I sit with Shame. He won’t raise his head to make eye contact, but I’m still staring at him, waiting for him to vanish. I’m staring so hard I can make out segments of grey hair at his temple and crown, which oddly, I never noticed until now.
“Gunner, Honor, and Raider let me finish Warren off. They knew I needed that. Hood told them all that Hem was dead and Raider saw Hem lying on that concrete floor, beaten and bloodied. There was never a reason to question it. Are you following me, Sadey? Are you listening? He was never dead.”
I nod again so he knows he can continue.
He sighs and holds me closer to him. “After I was finished with Warren, Hood told us to go ahead and go. He knew the Angel members lingering around and insisted that we were without blame and that no retribution would be headed our way. They all knew what Warren had allowed to happen to Cherry, Mace, and now Hem. This wasn’t about any club rivalry war. This was family and it was personal. So, we all headed out and trusted Hood would handle the mess we left behind. Here’s where it gets cloudy, so I need you to listen to me without getting upset again.”
Finally, I take my eyes off Hem, who still hasn’t looked at me, remaining still in thought. When my eyes reach Shame’s, I see relief that I’m still with him. He bends down into me and kisses my temple and whispers softly, “I’m proud of you, buddy. You’re strong. You’ve got this.”
He guides my head onto his chest, holding me like father would hold an injured child. He sighs heavily and continues. “What we didn’t know, what was kept from all of us, was that before Warren went after Hem, he hired someone to maim and torture everyone Hem loved in the event that Hem lived and he died that night. He even put the contract out on Mace, the only person in his life he considered his. Hem knew all of this and that’s why he went there in surrender, without fuckin’ backup.” Shame snarls in Hem’s direction with the last sentence.
“After Hem was seen for his injuries in town by that crazy fuckin’ doctor we pay to keep his mouth shut, Hood contacted Ace in California. He wanted a place for Hem to go and lay low until he figured out who had been hired and if there was any threat still waiting around here. It wasn’t ideal, as you can imagine, but Hem didn’t have any choice but to go. Warren dead, – contractor for hire in play.”
Ace had already gotten me to this part of the story. I’ve had a few minutes to process that. “So you’re telling me that even though Warren is dead, they are still coming for me and my son?”
“Our son.” Hem raises his head for the first time since he let me go and looks directly at me. “I want to meet our son. Where is he?”
He wants to meet our son. My dead and buried husband wants to me our son. How quaint.
I’m about to drive a nail into his heart and I know it hurts, but I can’t stop. “Are you staying? Cause if you’re not staying I would just rather not. If you’re going to pretend to play dead again, let’s pass on the ‘daddy cares’ play. He’s used to you being a ghost. He’s just a little boy.”
“Sadey girl, please…”
Hell no!
“I don’t want to hear your voice right now. I want to hear more of this story. You went to Ace, to California, never contacting me. You let me grieve for you, Hem, for seven fucking months. So, please let Shame finish this happy fairytale type story.”
Hem glares at me. He’s pissed. It is the first real emotion, other than relief, he’s shown me since he walked out of the graveyard yesterday and into this house today.
Shame is quiet. He’s letting me have my say with Hem. I’m sure he’s just as pissed, but mostly he’s probably more thankful of what he found in California. “Don’t make this harder, Sadey. This is a shit situation already. Don’t make it any harder.”
“Harder on who, Shame? I mean, apparently every one of you knew this was happening. I was drowning in my own tears for months, and no-one stepped up and told me, “Hey, dumbass, you’re talking to an empty grave”. Shit, Shame, I spent so much time there I got to know the other mourners. Do you understand what sitting at a bench talking to the love of your life, who you think is buried six feet under, does to a person?”
I’m starting to come un-fucking-done here. The self-proclaimed infamous ‘wrath of Mace’ has nothing on me right now.
“I would say ‘hello’ to every grave marker on my way in, feeling the loss for those families on top of dealing with my own. That’s a lot to handle for a normal person, Shame, but for me? It’s done nothing but instill lunacy. God, what the hell did Lynda think of me as she sat with me during all those conversations I was having with her son’s tombstone? Wait, Lynda is really dead, right? Or is she out getting coffee, ‘cause I need to have her pick up some cream. I’m out.”
“Sugar, I would have stayed with you if I could have.”
“I would have stayed with you if I could have.”
“No, no, no, no! Hem, you’ve made me this fucked up, crazy, and irrational person. I’ve heard you say that to me so many times in my sleep. Just stop. Please, just go. I need some time away from this, away from us. I need Mace.”
I start to break down. Not from sadness or shock, but because I’m fuckin’ pissed off at every single person I know. They all kept this from me for who knows how long. These are my people, my family. They were supposed to love me and protect me from this kind of hurt.
Shame moves me, gets up, and puts me back in the chair so I’m sitting there alone, as if I’m waiting in timeout for my unruly behavior.
“Hem, it’s time brother. Let’s go. She needs space. You knew this might happen.”
“Yeah, Hem, you better go. Nothing to see here, just us living and breathing kind of people.”
I’m being juvenile, but it’s the only reaction that I have within myself that doesn’t hurt like hell. By the look on his face I know I’ve fucked him up again. To be honest, I’m glad for that. He has no idea what his loss has put me through, mourning over him…not to mention what I’ve put everyone else through because of it. This is all past ridiculous.
Hem looks at me and he’s so far past pissed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look at me this way, not even when we were children. “I want to meet my son, Sadey. I’ve waited so long. I’ve been away to keep him safe, to keep you safe. I want to see my son.”
“Your son? He hasn’t been your son since he was born. He’s been categorized as a fatherless child, Hem. Hell, maybe he’s not even your son. Everything else is so not fuckin’ real, maybe Patrick being your son isn’t real either.”
Hem stands and starts towards me, his finger pointed. “Sadey, shut the fuck up. Shut your mouth. You do not get to take this away from me after everything I’ve been through also. Do not talk to me like that, I will blister...”
Oh hell to the no.
I’m screaming, I’m shaking, and I’m showing the secret side of crazy that I’ve kept guarded from the world, but I Do… Not… Care. I stand as he did, accepting his challenge.
“Don’t you finish that thought, Patrick Collins. My ass is no longer yours to touch, and I mean that. Get out of here now! Go! I have no interest in looking at a dead man right now.”
Shame walks to Hem and stands with his back to me, blocking my line of sight from Hem. They have a silent conversation and then Hem starts to move away. Shame opens the door for him, and after the walking dead departs, Shame comes and leans into me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to him. “You’ve got it in you. You’re a fighter. You’ll come out of this. I’m counting on it. I’m going to send Mace here in a bit. Don’t be pissed at her. She’s going through this the same as you are. She learned all of this today.”
Before they pull out of the driveway I look out the window. I need a final reality check. This is all real. Hem is home, but in reality I’m unsure where his home is anymore.
Chapter Fourteen
“Often a man wishes to be alone and a girl wishes to be alone and if they love each oth
er they are jealous of that in each other, but I can truly say we never felt that. We could feel alone when we were together, alone against the others. But we were never lonely and never afraid when we were together.”
--Ernest Hemingway
-HEM-
“Brother, give her time. Sadey has gotten stronger and she will come around to this, but you can’t go halfcocked into her and scare her more with your overbearing and hurt ego. You’re going to have to trust me on this.”
Right. I know he’s right, but fuck I’ve missed my girl. The last seven months have nearly killed my soul. I’ve loved her in every measure of her life for the past seventeen years and I’ve never been away from her for more than a month during that time, so seven months has made me crazy for her company.
I didn’t even get to see my boy. He doesn’t know me, just Shame. Fuck, he knows Ace and he doesn’t know me. This is all kinds of fucked. I’ve hurt them both. I have a lot of time to make up for and she has about twenty-four hours to come to realize I need her right now. Fuck, I need her to help me through this. Does that make me a selfish prick? Yep, but I love that woman and she’s still mine.
Shame is worried I’m going to cross some imaginary line with my wife. He’s taking this far better than I could have ever hoped, so he’s earned some credit and I’ll follow his lead.
“I get it, man. Stop explaining shit I already know. Get me back to Mace. All these years my crazy-ass sister has said I was her glue. I never got it. I never wanted to understand how that crazy woman’s head worked. This may make me a pussy, but God damn it, inside I’m nothing but a mess of broken glass and I need my glue.” It’s about to be a long fuckin’ day.
“You stayin’ at Peril, right? Don’t think it’s such a great idea for you to expect Sadey to just let you stay with her right away.”
“Yes, dumbass, I am stayin’ at the club. The Brothers may not appreciate me right now, but there is nowhere else I want to be while I work through this shit. We need to find that crazy fucker who is targeting everyone around me.”
“Relax. Don’t blow out. Honor has Sadey. I don’t think she knows that, so don’t go and spin her up. He’s watching her during his waking hours and when he can’t, I’ve got Gunner on her. Mace and Ryder spend most of the time at the club, unless I’m with them. Thank fuck Mace hasn’t bitched about that. I would like to believe she’s letting up on her mental torment of me since Ryder got here, but since you’re back, I’m betting that’s the only reason she’s allowing me to boss her today.”
God, I’ve missed home.
I wasn’t sure of the welcome I would receive once I found myself back at the club. Apparently Shame has warned every one of my return, because the fuckin’ place is empty. Not a single brother or even a club leach in sight. Shame and I talked a lot on the way back from California so he knows my plan to just lay low, find the fucker who is threatening my girls, and get Sadey to forgive me for leaving her without an explanation. Quite the damn to-do list I have, but it can be done.
“If you want, take your shit to your room. I will be down here waitin’. We need to have a drink before my woman gets here. Since Ryder arrived, I’m no longer supposed to act like I did before he came, so I want that quick drink before she catches me at it and takes it away.”
I nod at his request. Jesus, those two have not changed a-fuckin’-bit. I’m thankful for the familiarity, however small. I know my sister is around here somewhere, and if she gets to him first and finds him drinking, it would only be another reason to be pissed off at me.
My old room is unrecognizable. All of my shit is gone. I’ve been erased. Although I know it isn’t his fault, I’m half-ass hurt that Shame would have just taken my belongings out like trash.
Looks like I’m starting over again; like I’m just eighteen years old and Doc has given me a place to lay my head. “Can you believe this shit, Doc? It’s all your fault man and you aren’t even here to enjoy it. Fuck, I wish you were here to help me out now, though.”
“Hem? You’re back? I thought I heard you talking to yourself. Why are you here and not with Sadey?”
Oh God, my sister can be blind to heartache. Shame and I protected her from it all her life, and other than what the psycho twins Greyson and Warren put her through, she hasn’t experienced what hurting someone you love deeply can do.
“She doesn’t want me right now, sister. It’s taking everything in me right now not to pull at that thread, so drop it… for me, okay?”
“Well, uh, I don’t want to be the messenger of bad news, but you know she’s coming here tonight, right? Her mom caught wind of a rumor that you’re back and Sadey just called me pissed as hell and that Patrick is spending some time with Grandma and Pappy.”
“What the fuck? I want to see my son, damn it!”
Damn! People do not realize I’ve spent nearly three months longing to meet my boy. All I got was short and clipped updates, and small, bullshit camera phone snapshots from Hood, telling me he was doing great. I would like to see the ‘great’ up close and personal.
“Hem, shut up. You will see him. Peyton and Derek leave tomorrow. They are moving to some ranch in Montana, so they are coming to say goodbye real quick and Sade wants to be here for that.”
“I need a drink. Jesus, do I need a fuckin’ drink.”
I remember Peyton, pretty little thing. I would be sad she’s leaving if I didn’t have all this other shit to deal with. One detail I remember of that girl, that bitch doesn’t sit still. Unsure there’s enough liquor up in here to get me as fucked up as I need to be to deal with her bouncy shit tonight.
Mace has forgiven me, I think. I don’t know if it’s because I’m her brother and she’s happy to have at least a portion of her family back or if it’s because Shame has threatened to cut her off if she didn’t back the fuck off me for the time being. Shame and I talked on our way back here, Gunner and Honor as well, but since Mace is now a mother, she’s scaring the shit out of me with her new and improved positive attitude.
I leave what little stuff I have in my empty room and we make our way back downstairs. Both Gunner and Honor are here sitting at the bar with Shame and right away Mace goes at him just as he said she would.
“Shame, is that what you should be drinking when we have a small child? Do you want him learning that?”
Holy hell, scratch the improved positive attitude. I’m just lucky she’s not directing her crazy shit at me. That’s only for Shame now. Poor fucker.
“Wench, I’m having a drink. I may have ten. You see what kind of day I’m having here, right? Shut the hell up. Stop all your fuckin’ nagging. Jesus, I love you, babe, but just walk away for about an hour.”
She walks toward him as if she would be able to hurt him at all, physically or emotionally. Even after our time together the last two days, he’s still pretty fucked up about it, so good luck standing a chance to hurt to him any deeper, sis.
Before my sister has an opportunity to start yappin’ off at the mouth, he grabs her and pulls her to him. She’s my kid sister, so I can’t really stomach to watch this, but I’m happy to witness him envelope her ranting lips with his own. It shuts her the hell up for the time being, thank fuck.
Once he lets her go she shocks the hell out of a room full of men by spouting off again at him. “You kiss me like that after just one beer, baby please have a few more and I will take Ryder to Mrs. Lyons with Patrick and we will have a private party… well, you know, if you’re up to it, old man.”
The room erupts in laughter and Shame leans into her and turns her around, wrapping his hands around her waist. He whispers something into her ear and it has her blushing. Everything here is like I never had to leave. Then I hear more ruckus at the door, more guests are here for the party… and my girl, too.
Chapter Fifteen
“I don’t. I don’t want anybody else to touch you. I’m silly. I get furious if they touch you.”
--Ernest Hemingway
I’ve been ignore
d for the last hour. Sadey won’t look at me, won’t listen to me, and she sure as hell won’t let me touch her. Hell, I may as well still be dead. I’ve had a few drinks, but I don’t even feel ‘em. Everyone knows I love my whiskey, but right now I only thirst for the feeling or taste of my girl.
“Peyton, finally!”
I hear Sadey greet her friend along with most of the brothers, and Mace as she leaves me sitting in my chair to go greet her. Peyton is young and she’s a cute little shit. Derek though, a fuckin’ real live cowboy in a biker club, looks completely out of place and nervous. The scene would be hilarious if my heart didn’t hurt as it does right now.
Sadey can’t stop hugging her. Finally, though, Peyton’s eyes meet mine. She freezes in my girls grasp and gasps. Guess Sadey wasn’t exactly the last to know of my change of living address, from grave marker to club.
“Sadey … is that … oh, God ... you didn’t tell me. Sadey?”
“Oh shit, honey, I didn’t. It must have slipped my mind.”
Sadey has Peyton in a side arm hug and they are coming right towards me, so I need to stand up to wish her safe a trip and say goodbye. After that, I’m going to my room for the night to end this miserable state of loneliness. It hurts watching how much Sadey’s life has moved forward without me being any part of it.
Mace walks toward us. She’s lit with alcohol, and since she chose not to nurse Ryder, she’s taken a liking to vodka for the night, causing her stumble a bit.
“Peyton, you remember my brother, Hem?”
Peyton doesn’t know what to say, but she gives it her best shot. Sweet girl. Not so good with words, though, other than spelling them out loud as I recollect another trait of hers.
“Yes, I remember, but I thought ... I thought ... didn’t he … I mean…” I smile at her to help ease her worry. She sure as shit wasn’t expecting to see my mug looking at her when she walked in.
Sadey jumps to aid her process in thought … and fails … miserably. “You thought he was dead? Yes, well, me too. Welcome to the club. Your membership card is in the mail.”