“Actually,” he said in a low voice, “there is something.”
With that, he walked back toward the table and stopped the music. The silence that followed was louder than anything that could have come from the speakers.
Wait. What?
“Xander?”
Two long strides brought him back to her. He framed her face with his hands, thumbs stroking her cheeks, gentle and tender and far too restrained to make sense, given what had been building just a few seconds earlier.
“We need to talk a bit.”
“Oh.” The talk. Okay, she wouldn’t have thought it would warrant a full stop in the action, but hey—better to take it seriously, right? “It’s okay. I had my tubes tied, and I stopped at the store on my way over, so—”
“No. That’s not what I—You had your tubes tied?”
“Years ago. But what does—”
“I need to tell you why I went to jail.”
What?
“Xander, none of this is making any sense. I know what you did. I don’t see what that has to do with...” She glanced around the room, at him standing so close that she still could inhale him, then down. Down at the shimmering dress that had made her think she could make this work.
“You know what I did. You don’t know why.”
“I don’t need—”
“I do.” His hands dropped to her shoulders. “I can’t—I mean, hell yes, I could. You don’t know how much I would love to just...”
“Trust me. I have a pretty good idea.”
His grin was fleeting, but a step closer to what she had come to expect. “You want a drink?”
“Do I need one?” Before he could answer, she shook her head. “No. I’m fine, thanks.”
“Come on.” He pulled her toward the sofa. She cast a longing look at her clutch but shoved it aside as she perched on the edge of the cushion to face him. The only contact was his knees brushing against hers.
Ridiculous, how that little bit of contact could center her.
“So when I was in grad school, I got into hacking. Not the bad stuff. The fun kind, hunting for back doors into systems, figuring out how things were done, seeing if I could find ways to improve things. It was all about the challenge. And, okay, there was some ego in there, too. I got pumped knowing that I could get around the safeguards. No one could keep me out, and stuff like that.”
“That sounds...a little stupid, maybe, but not illegal.”
“Total truth? Some of it probably skirted the line. But it was never malicious. The worst I ever did was let folks know, hey, you have this weakness in your system that you might want to fix because the next guy might not be so generous.” His laugh was short and tinged with cynicism. “Call me Mr. Benevolent.”
She longed to touch him—for comfort this time, to let him know she was here and listening—but she suspected he wasn’t ready for that. Not yet.
“I told some friends. Bragged, really. They started asking me to help them. Things like lost passwords, helping them test the security of websites they were building...then it kind of snowballed. Someone who was sure his girlfriend was cheating on him and wanted to see her emails. Someone who thought his roommate was dealing drugs and wanted me to get into his phone. There was always a good reason. Or at least that’s what I told myself.”
“Xander, you don’t—”
A slight shake of his head stopped her.
“People started hiring me. I was in grad school, I was broke, I figured it was all legit. Or if not, it was such small potatoes that no one would ever care, even though I kept taking bigger and bigger chances. Everything was great. I was too good to get caught.” His voice dropped. “And then I did.”
Fear knotted her stomach. “What happened?”
He sighed and leaned back into the corner of the sofa, staring into some distance she couldn’t see. “Long story short? Some guys asked me to break into a university system. They said that one of them used to do research there but had a falling out with the department head, he was fired, locked out of all his work, yada yada. I poked around. Found out that the whole thing really had happened. It looked like this guy truly was being denied access to his research, and hey, let’s hear it for the little guy, right? So I did what they asked.”
She inched forward to slip her fingers through his. He held on tight. Afraid she would run?
“I was so careful to make sure the situation was real that I never stopped to make sure they were who they said they were.”
Oh no. “They were police?”
“What? No, nothing that simple. They were...let’s say they were folks who saw a potential for profit and decided to exploit it. Not that I knew that part. I got them in, they said thank you and gave me a nice chunk o’ change, we all went on our merry way. Except that while I was out interviewing for jobs, they were using the door I had opened to harvest a boatload of other info.”
Closing her eyes did nothing to block out the pictures her imagination was conjuring.
“They almost got away with it. Then they walked into a honeypot—a bit of data that looks legit but it’s really hacker bait. From there it was just a matter of time.”
“And they led the police to you?”
“Actually, it was the other way around. I heard through the grapevine that they had suddenly gone underground. I didn’t like the sound of that, so I did the same thing. That was when I showed up on Ian’s door, looking for a place to hide out for a while. Not, uh, that I told him.” Bitterness tinged his voice. “How’s that for a kicker? I broke the law and acted like an idiot, and the part that still gets to me is that I lied to my oldest friend.”
“You didn’t know for sure—”
“Oh, I knew what I was doing, Heather. I might have been duped by part of it, but I knew I was crossing the line from the moment I said yes. Don’t think I was some innocent victim in all of this. I need you to know exactly where I’m coming from.”
Of all the things he had revealed to her, this was the one that set her shivering from the inside out. Not because she was about to judge him. Running away from her baby might not have been illegal, but in Heather’s mind, there were few acts more loathsome. Compared to her, Xander was a piker.
But the fact that he wanted her to know, that he felt compelled to tell her this before he could sleep with her...was that the act of a man who was okay with her not wanting the white picket fence?
There was no time to ponder it, because he was talking again. “I finally got a clue...okay, no lie, it was the morning after Darcy and I...”
“Please do not make me go there.”
“Not to worry. I was too plastered to remember details. Anyway, that morning I got word that the Mounties had been called in. I figured I had two choices. I could keep running, or I could lawyer up, turn myself in and hope that if I went the Crown witness route, I could strike a bargain.”
No need to ask which one he’d chosen.
“From then on it was just a matter of getting through it. I copped a plea, did my time, promised myself I would never be such an idiot again. Then I got out and found out about Cady, and—well, you know the rest.”
Indeed she did.
“Questions?”
Where to start? Her head was still processing everything he had revealed. Her body was still trying to process the fact that they were wasting time talking. And her conscience was still freaking out at his timing, because in her experience, men were not usually the one to call a halt when nookie was on the line. At least, not without a good reason.
“Do you miss it?”
What on earth had made her ask that? She hadn’t planned to, that was for sure.
Yet she had a feeling it was the most important question of all.
“Do I miss hacking?”
Sh
e nodded.
To his credit, he didn’t rush to answer. When he did speak, each word was so precise, so measured, that she had no doubt he was telling the truth.
“I don’t miss the worry. I used to tell myself it was all fine. I was doing a Robin Hood thing, and the benefits outweighed those pesky legalaties, but really, I was always looking over my shoulder. I didn’t know how much until I finally turned myself in. All of a sudden it was like I could breathe again. Makes no sense, I know, but—”
“Sure it does. The thing you’d dreaded the most was finally behind you.”
“Guess so.”
She squeezed his hand and waited.
“As for the rest of it... I miss the parts that got me into it in the first place. The challenge. The chance to test myself. It was like the best game ever, and I kept beating all the levels, and it was...addictive, I guess.” His thumb played across the back of her hand. “The good part is, there’s other ways to get that same rush. Maybe not as intense, but let me tell you, every time I head off one of Cady’s tantrums, or figure out what she’s trying to tell me, or see her imitating me, I get that feeling again. Not exactly the same, but it’s there.”
Now it was her turn to breathe again. Not just because of what he had said, but, she realized, because of the things he hadn’t said.
What was I supposed to do?
They made me do it.
I couldn’t stop myself.
All things Travis had said at one point or another, back in the days when she still dared to ask him why he kept doing things that landed him in jail.
Xander might have made some pretty boneheaded choices, but he knew that he was acting from his own free will. She could be wrong, but in her mind, knowing that he was the one in charge of what he did meant it was a lot less likely that he would repeat those mistakes. Especially now, with Cady in the picture.
“Anything else?”
A thousand wayward thoughts flitted through her mind, but none would slow enough for her to grab hold and put it into words. That didn’t bother her, though. The important question was behind her.
“None at the moment.”
“Then I have one for you.” He leaned forward, fingers sliding up her arm to cup her face. “Do you want to leave?”
She hesitated.
He pulled back.
“It’s okay, Heather. Really. I dropped a lot on you, and if you want to reconsider, I—”
“It’s not that.” She shook her head, both to emphasize her point and to buy herself a few seconds to think. How was she supposed to ask what she needed to ask? “But I...look, I already told you, I don’t want a major relationship. That’s not in the life plan. Especially not now, when I’m trying to get this job and have more Millie. I want you to be totally positive that you’re okay with keeping things light.”
Again, he waited before answering—a fact that her brain appreciated but other parts could have done without, thank you very much.
“Long term? I won’t lie. I want to find someone I can build a life with. I want more kids. I want a family that I don’t have to share, even with folks as good as Darcy and Ian. But for right now?”
Her breath stilled in her chest.
“Right now, I think I could stand to take a break from websites and first dates, and maybe just have a little fun.”
A little fun sounded mighty fine to her, too. And she knew exactly how she wanted to start.
She tipped sideways, tugged at her shoes and kicked them out of the way. Xander glanced from the discarded sandals back to her with a most delightful quirk at the corner of his mouth. “You looking to finish that dance, Heather?”
“I’m looking to make sure I don’t puncture your sofa with my heels,” she said, and with one quick move she straddled him. They settled deep into the cushions and all of a sudden her world was a lot hotter.
A lot more focused.
And a hell of a lot more urgent.
CHAPTER SEVEN
WAY TOO EARLY the next morning, Xander set Cady on the living-room floor beside Lulu, took a look at the sofa and grinned.
“If those cushions could talk...”
They had never made it off the sofa. Well, at least not until Round One had ended, leaving them both gasping and shaking and barely able to crawl up the stairs to the bed. But somewhere between the laughter and the talking, they had recovered enough for a slower but no less amazing Round Two. And then she had tried to leave, but the goodbye kiss morphed into Round Three, which both impressed him and explained the fact that his legs felt like rubber this morning.
“Your dad is definitely feeling his age this morning, kid.” He dropped onto the sofa and ran his hand over the fake leather. It wasn’t the place he would have chosen for their first time, but it sure hadn’t bothered Heather. He didn’t think he could have imagined a more memorable way to move into the benefits territory of this friendship.
And that was a problem.
“Lulu ball,” Cady said. Xander swiveled his head, saw that she was happily tossing a knitted ball for the dog—who was sleepily doing her best to grab it—and, reassured, picked up his discarded tie from the sofa and twisted it absently around his hands.
He had no regrets about spilling his guts to her. Moving forward without her knowing everything...that would have felt wrong. Like he was...not lying, but definitely not being honest. He wanted to be honest with Heather. No, he needed to be.
Except it turned out that he had lied to both of them. Big time.
“A little fun.” He wadded the tie into a ball and tossed it to Cady, who squealed and buried her face in it.
In his defense, he had believed it when he said it. So what that she wasn’t in the market for long term? So what that she’d had her tubes tied? They were both adults, and he wasn’t making progress with finding anyone, and he had thought, okay, have a good time, remember that dating was supposed to be enjoyable, get himself back in the groove. It had sounded decent in the moment.
“Dada? Snack?”
He opened his eyes to the pint-size distraction patting him on the arm, and his gut tightened.
Yep. Lying through his ever-loving teeth.
“Dada.” The pats grew more forceful. “Snack!”
“Breakfast, Cady.” He hauled himself off the sofa and headed to the kitchen on autopilot, talking about Cheerios and oatmeal and pancakes while trying to wrap his head around the fact that Heather really meant what she had said. Not that he hadn’t believed her...
Except the bitter taste in his mouth told him that maybe he hadn’t.
He grabbed a box of pancake mix and spooned some into a mug.
Why had he been stupid enough to think he could put sex with Heather in a separate little box marked Open Only Until You Find Someone Else?
And what was he supposed to do now? Stop?
“Hell, no.”
“Hello?” Cady parroted, and he smacked his forehead. That was all he needed, to have Darcy come home from her honeymoon and find their daughter swearing like a trucker.
He added milk to the mug and stirred absently. No, stepping back now might be the smartest thing to do, but the chances of it happening were about the same as the chances of Lulu hopping onto the table and doing a tap dance. Sex with Heather had been, seriously, if not the best of his life, then damned close to it. His gut told him that with a little more practice, it could be right there at the top. The rest of his body told him that this was the kind of practice he should indulge in as frequently as possible.
“No regrets, Xander.”
Except this was the kind of choice that could lead to regrets. The kind that lasted a lifetime.
He opened the fridge in search of butter, dropped some into the skillet and cranked the heat.
“Tell me, Cady bug.
What’s a dad supposed to do when he knows something isn’t a good plan, but he doesn’t think he can walk away?”
“Pancake,” she said, but he didn’t really hear her. He was too busy frowning at the pan and realizing that he’d had those same feelings just before he landed in jail.
* * *
IF EVER THERE had been a Monday when Heather didn’t need a never-ending meeting led by the never-exciting head of Accounting about new-and-never-improved expense reports, this was it.
The topic would have been bad enough on a day when she had her game on. But her head was still in a postweekend fog, and her imagination was hopscotching between Xander and her approaching job interview and how soon she could really talk joint custody with Hank. Then back to Xander. Then to the interview.
Then it landed on Xander and stayed there.
He hadn’t called on Sunday, but there had been a brief exchange of texts. Not that she had expected more. She knew how hectic life was while chasing a toddler, and besides, it wasn’t like she was a teenager who was looking for an Oh-My-God boyfriend. They were two adults who knew the score, knew this wasn’t about the future.
But that didn’t mean she couldn’t enjoy every moment of the present.
“And on line 3b, you’ll need to add your figures from Section A...”
Like anyone could stay focused on that?
Checking to be sure Mr. Monotone was immersed in his PowerPoint, she slipped her phone from her pocket, ensuring it remained beneath the table as she typed.
Hey. Busy tonight?
His reply was instantaneous.
Was just going to ask you the same question. Cady and I have to get groceries, but after that, it’s just bath, bed and beyond.
Bath, bed and beyond? Are you channeling Buzz Lightyear now?
No Buzz, but I’m sure I could find a Woody somewhere.
There was no holding back her snort. Luckily for her, it was immediately eclipsed by a massive coughing fit from her friend Leah, seated at her side. Heather glanced at Leah, who continued coughing while nodding ever so slightly in the direction of Mr. Monotone, who was frowning in their direction. Heather poured water, passed it to Leah and pasted on a look of fake absorption while making a mental note to buy Leah’s lunch that day.
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