Xander was nowhere to be seen when she left the exam room. Neither was he in the waiting room. She figured he was either waiting by the car or puking his guts out in the bathroom.
Opting for Door A, she headed for the car, blinking against the bright sunshine. God, it had turned into a gorgeous day. Almost as if Mother Nature had decided that Heather was in need of blue skies and birdsong.
She rounded the row of vehicles to see Xander leaning against the car, long legged and smiling, holding a bouquet of cheery yellow and red flowers.
What the...
Her steps faltered slightly as she moved forward, not really sure she was seeing what her eyes told her was true.
“What is this?” she asked when she reached him.
“Uh, I think they’re sunflowers.”
“I know that.” She touched a finger to one petal. “Sunflowers and Gerbera daisies, I would say. When did you get these?”
“Picked them up this morning. Had them waiting in the trunk, just in case.”
“Well, that explains why you insisted on driving.”
“No. I drove because I wanted to help you.”
She gathered the bouquet into her arms and buried her nose in them. “Oh, Xander. Are you trying to make me cry?”
“No.” He placed one finger under her chin and tipped her face to his. “I’m trying to ask you to marry me.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
AS SOON AS the words were out of his mouth, Xander knew he’d been right to say them.
Not that he’d had any doubt about proposing. He’d figured that out over the weekend. It was the how, the where, the when that had him perplexed. He should have known that the right moment would appear.
Of course, from the way Heather had gone whiter than he’d seen her at any point thus far, maybe he was congratulating himself too soon.
“Hey.” He grabbed her elbows. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” Not a good sign.
She stared at the flowers before dragging her gaze back to meet his. “Could you unlock the door, please?” she asked in a whisper.
“Sure. Sorry.”
In a moment they were both seated in the car, him staring out the windshield, her rubbing the florist paper between her fingers.
She spoke first.
“I’m sorry. I...you caught me by surprise.”
Obviously.
“It’s not your fault. I should have known you’d had enough thrown at you in one day.”
From the corner of his eye, he saw her slump down into her seat. “It’s not that. Xander, I... I don’t want to hurt you, but... I mean, whatever made you think—”
Thinking hadn’t been part of it. Feelings, wishes, pictures in his head from the times when they had all been together, him and her and their girls...those had been the driving factor. “We’re having a baby. I guess I’m more old-fashioned than I realized.”
“But we barely... I mean, I don’t even know your middle name. Or your mother’s name, or where you grew up, or...”
“Phillip. Rosie, short for Rosemary. Kamloops, until I was ten. Then we moved to Moose Jaw for a while, then Kitchener.”
“Thank you. I didn’t really need any of those answers.”
He shrugged, hoping that if he acted like he was okay with this, he would start to believe it. “That’s all I’ve got.”
“I know that you missed out on a lot with Cady. I know you’re acting from good intentions, and that you’re trying to be helpful and supportive, and believe me, I appreciate it. But Xander, I got married for a baby once already, and I can tell you, it was the second stupidest thing I ever did in my life.”
“Is this the worst?” He had to know. “Getting pregnant again?”
“No. Leaving Millie was the worst one.” She sighed and rubbed her stomach. “This is way down there at number three. Maybe even lower.”
“That doesn’t sound too bad.”
“This is manageable. Scary as all get out right now, I won’t deny it, but... Look. You should know that that the reason I left Millie was because I thought... I was really messed up back then, and I made a horrible mistake, and I thought I had let her drown.”
He swiveled in his seat to face her for the first time since they entered the car, certain he’d heard wrong.
She must have known what he was thinking, because some of the disbelief in her eyes had been replaced by compassion. “Sorry. I know it’s a shocker, but given everything, you kind of deserve to know.”
Swiftly, almost tonelessly, she told him a tale he could barely believe. Pieces that had puzzled him fell into place as she spoke. How she could leave Millie, despite her obvious love for the child... The reason she stayed away so long... Her need to cross every t and dot every i when she was preparing to ask for joint custody.
She didn’t try to justify her actions. She explained and laid down the facts, but there were no appeals to his emotions, no blaming anyone other than herself. She gave him the facts and nothing more, letting him draw his own conclusions.
Did he dare tell her that those conclusions only made him respect her more?
Did he dare remind her that he knew all about rebuilding a life that had hit rock bottom?
No, he decided. Not yet. Not until he’d had time to let her words seep in for a while.
Her words—and the fact that when she told him about finding Millie at the water’s edge, her hand settled low on her abdomen.
“And that’s about it,” she said at last. “I won’t pretend that I’m not nervous, but I’m not that same person. Between the counseling and the parenting classes, I know I’m a lot closer to being the kind of mother I want to be. For Millie, and, now, I guess—maybe—this little one, too.” She bowed her head and touched the center of one of the sunflowers. “Marriage, though...that’s a whole different game.”
“And I’m a whole different person. Than Hank, I mean,” he added at her confused expression.
“I know you are. But that’s not the issue.” She pushed herself upright in the seat. “Xander, no matter how wonderful the people involved—and you really are an awesome father and a great all-round guy—getting married just because of a baby doesn’t work. Marriage is hard enough when both people are in love and would have wanted to be together anyway.”
“Even when they make each other laugh? Even when the sex is off the charts? Even when they both understand that people can make mistakes but then they can do better? That even people who have messed up still deserve happiness?”
“Do you love me?”
His hands tightened on the wheel.
She paced a comforting hand on his arm. “It’s okay. I like you, Xander. A lot. But I don’t love you, either.”
He couldn’t say anything. He was still trying to figure out the answer to her question.
It should have been easy. No, I don’t love you, but I think we’re good together, and I would bet that eventually...
But something had stopped him. Some sense that he would have been—not lying, really, but not telling the whole truth. And if ever a question had deserved total honesty, this was it.
Except maybe—just maybe—he might have slipped past not yet to yes.
But even as that possibility flickered inside him like a lone candle flame, he held back. He couldn’t say it now. Not until he could speak with certainty.
“I know you want a real family,” she said softly. “I know you would like to be an all-the-time-together dad. I’m sorry I can’t make that happen for you. But Xander, I can’t do that to us.”
“It doesn’t have to be—”
She raised both hands and shook her head. “Listen to me. Hank is a great guy, right? Honest, hardworking, loves his kids, always tries to do the right thing.”
&nb
sp; “Yeah.”
“Well, he is absolutely all that, but when we were together—and even more so after I left—he was...not that. Not that he was mean or abusive or vindictive. But even though we were good together when we were dating, being married made it so... I don’t know. So real. So not good. And we were trying to make it work.”
“You were also ten years younger.”
“True. And we had a lot of other pressures that don’t figure in now, but still. The fact that we can even speak today, let alone work together to do right by Millie...well, that’s proof that miracles still happen.”
“What about our miracle?” His fingers skimmed over her stomach, light and tentative. “Who’s to say we can’t beat the odds a second time?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready to think of this as a miracle. Not yet, anyway.” She looked at him with the saddest eyes he thought he’d ever seen and added, soft and low, “And I know I’m not willing to take that chance again.”
But I am.
He clamped his lips tight to keep the words from slipping out. He wasn’t going to beg. And he absolutely refused to put more pressure on her.
Space. They needed space, both of them.
“Okay then.”
“Xander—”
“Do you feel okay to drive? Should I take you back to your car, or drop you someplace?”
“My car. Please.”
He started the engine, shifted into gear, then put it back in park and turned to her.
“Listen,” he said, daring to push a stray wisp of hair back from her face. “I’m sorry I dumped that on you right now. But I want you to know... I understand what you’re saying, but I think we could make it work. And I’d like you to think about it, okay?”
She opened her mouth. He placed a gentle finger across her lips.
“One more thing. You’re right that this is mostly because of the baby. At least, the timing is. But you’re a big part of it, too.” He let his finger slide down to her chin. “I know it’s taking a huge chance. But I think you’re worth it.”
Some of the color returned to her cheeks.
“Thank you.”
“The best thanks I could get would be if you promised to think about it. I mean, I’m not trying to make light of everything you said. You have some points. Even a couple of good ones.”
The hint of a grin tugged at her lips—fleeting, wavering, but real nonetheless.
“The other thing,” he said, “is that you’ve had a hell of a wild few days. Saying anything to you now...that wasn’t fair. I’m sorry. And I don’t want you to make any decision when you’re still reeling, especially when half the reel is because I had a moment of clueless idiocy.”
Was that a laugh? Hard to tell when it faded so quickly.
“I don’t think my answer will change.”
“Understood.”
“Okay,” she said. “I’ll think about it.”
It wasn’t what he had hoped for. But he could definitely live with it.
* * *
ALONE IN HER CAR, Heather watched Xander drive away, taking with him the little bit of hope and optimism that he had sparked while they were talking.
Which probably meant that they weren’t real, anyway. Probably just further proof that being with him scrambled her brain and made her unable to trust her own decisions—the very reason she had called a halt in the first place. Funny, how she had completely forgotten to mention that.
Though given that they were going to have to have some kind of relationship from now on, even if it was just as co-parents, maybe she needed to pay more attention.
She really should have made herself find a new counselor when she moved to Ottawa. If ever a girl needed a trusted ear, this was the time.
Although—
She sat up straighter and reached for her phone. There was no law that said the trusted ear had to be professional.
Half an hour later, she and Leah were walking down a shaded path by the side of the Rideau Canal, undisturbed except for the occasional bike rider or, every once in a while, a leaf falling to the ground in a silent reminder of the changing seasons. Other than the moment when Leah had shrieked, “No frickin’ way!” at Heather’s news, it was a remarkably peaceful outing.
“So that’s it,” she said. “I got knocked up against all odds, I had to spend the weekend learning about volcanoes while wondering if I was going to explode at any moment, and I had to break a good man’s heart by telling him I couldn’t marry him.”
“Got it. So other than the fact that you didn’t plan any of this and you’re understandably still playing catch-up, what’s the problem?”
“Um, Leah? Are you sure you were listening?”
“Of course I was. You think I would stop paying attention just because you left Duffy Young and abandoned me to deal with the suits by myself? Not that I’m bitter.”
It was impossible to keep from grinning over that one.
“See, from where I’m standing, I see complications, but nothing you can’t handle.” Leah frowned. “Though now that I think about it, maybe that’s the problem.”
“My brain is flying in too many directions to follow that logic. Assuming there is any.”
“Of course there’s logic. Now just listen, and don’t interrupt. I’ve known you, what, five years now? Six? I know that you are one smart, determined cookie. When you make up your mind to do something, you give it your all. It kills you when you don’t do what you set out to do.”
“I don’t know if I’d go that—”
“No interruptions.”
Oops.
“There’s nothing wrong with that, Heather. You’ve never told me exactly why you ended up so far from home, but I’ve pieced some of it together from things you let slip. I have a feeling that things weren’t always so rosy for you and Millie. But I’m pretty sure that you turned your life inside out to make it better.”
Heather didn’t dare do more than nod.
“Okay. So yay for hard work and determination. It’s what got you to this point. But like anything else in life, it can go too far.”
Oh hell. Was it too late to backpedal?
“Do you know that when you were telling me everything, the only time you sounded like you might be ready to cry was when you talked about turning down his proposal?”
Even as she questioned the statement, Heather knew Leah was right.
“I guess that makes sense. I mean, even though another baby was most definitely not in the plan, and I’m kind of thoroughly pissed off that medical science failed me... I know it worked out okay last time. I can look at Millie and see what we have now, and I know that everything is...okay. Not the way I would have wanted. But she’s still my girl, and despite everything she doesn’t hate me, and every time I look at her I get reminded that miracles can happen.”
What about our miracle?
“So you have walking, talking, sassing proof that getting preggers without a plan can still turn out okay,” Leah said.
“Millie doesn’t sass.”
“Give her a year or two.” Leah stepped sideways to dodge a stick in the path. “So you managed to save things with your daughter. I take it you couldn’t work the same magic with the marriage?”
“No.” Not that she had tried. At least, not the way she had thrown herself into becoming the kind of mother she wanted to be.
“You think that might be part of the reason you’re holding back? Because you couldn’t save one marriage and so you think history is guaranteed to repeat itself?”
“Has anyone ever told you that you have an amazing imagination?”
“It’s a curse. But am I right?”
Was she?
“I...don’t know. I guess in some ways, it makes sense.” Heather kic
ked at a bit of paper littering the path. “But even so, I mean, does it matter? Leah, I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me.”
“So?”
“Excuse me?”
“Sweetie, all through the ages, people have had lots of reasons for getting married. They did it because it was the practical choice, or to carry on a title, or because their parents said they had to marry this person or else. God, I wish those days would come back.” She sighed. “Love wasn’t a requirement. It was something that might or might not happen, but either way, you sucked it up and did your best.”
“Are you seriously telling me I should marry Xander?”
“No. I’m telling you that you might not want to dismiss the idea of marriage so fast.”
“Because my fairy godmother is going to swoop down and wave her wand and make love magically appear?”
“Don’t be silly.”
Of course not.
“However, I’m just saying it’s a lot easier to tell yourself you don’t love someone than it is to admit you’re afraid of failing again.”
“I’m...”
How was she supposed to protest when Leah’s words had something inside her nodding and going, You might want to pay attention here.
“No wonder your kids shake when you give them orders.”
“Nothing was ever gained by mincing words, sweetie.” Leah stopped walking and turned to Heather, one warm hand settling on her shoulder. “Let me tell you something I’ve learned the hard way over the years. You always regret the chance you didn’t take.”
“I’m not going to marry someone just so, in twenty years, I can say, well, at least I tried.”
“And what if, in twenty years, you’re saying that it was the scariest thing you ever did but it worked out?”
“The odds against that happening are—”
“Probably,” Leah said, “about the same as the odds that you’d get pregnant after having your tubes tied.”
* * *
XANDER WENT TO WORK more out of habit than anything else. By the end of the day, he felt like he should refund the Norths his salary for the day. Worst of all, it wasn’t one of his Cady days, which meant that when it came time to leave, he was faced with an evening in an empty house.
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