Blossoms of Love

  Barbara cried most of the night. She knew she had hurt Lamont far more than Natalie ever had. At four a.m., Barbara was still awake. She had cried until there were no more tears. Then she remembered that Lamont kept liquor in his study. She quietly went to his study. She got a bottle of run and stopped by the kitchen and got a coke. Then she went back to her room. After a glass of rum and coke, Barbara began to relax. After a second glass, she went to bed and went to sleep.

  When she awoke, she had a splitting headache. She got out of bed and saw Robbie and Jimmy playing outside in the snow. She looked at the clock on the dressing table. She blinked. She couldn’t believe it was one-thirty in the afternoon. She got in a tub of hot water. She dressed in jeans and a shirt. She was combing her hair when Sara came in the room, “You’re up. I came in twice to see about you. You were sleeping so good, I wouldn’t wake you.” Barbara said, “It was almost morning before I went to sleep.” Sara asked, “You want breakfast or lunch?” Barbara answered, “Just coffee and toast.” Sara said, “Honey you need more than that. You ate very little yesterday.” Barbara said, “I’m just not hungry right now.” Sara said, “I’ll go make a fresh pot of coffee. Monty drank nearly all of it. That man sure does drink a lot of coffee.” Barbara asked, “Where is Monty?” Sara answered, “At the stables. They are with a mare. Jesse said this mare is going to have a very difficult time. Monty said she would have twins.”

  When Sara was gone to make fresh coffee, Barbara decided to put on a sweater and go out to the stables. Maybe she could help. She put the sweater on and looked in the mirror. Even with an artificial breast she saw, she could not wear sweaters any more. She jerked it off and threw it on the floor. Shat sat down on the side of the bed and cried. She heard Robbie outside say, “Here comes Daddy and Uncle Dave.” Jimmy said, “Let’s get them to help us build a big snow man.” She went to the window and looked out. She saw the boys talking to Lamont and David. Then she heard Lamont come in the back door.

  Sara was washing dishes. Lamont said, “Sara we have a long wait with that mare. Looks like we may spend the night with her. Dave’s got a mare who will have her baby before morning. We won’t be here to eat. You can send us something out to the stables later.” Sara asked, “How about beef stew?” Lamont smiled, “That will be fine. We had to turn the heat up in the stables. It’s getting colder.” He poured himself a cup of coffee, “Umm—good and fresh. You’re an angel Sara. We just couldn’t get along without you.” Sara smiled, “Thank you Monty. Monty, I wish you’d go see about Barbara. She didn’t eat hardly anything yesterday and hasn’t eaten anything today.” He asked, “Where is she?” Sara said, “In the bedroom.” Lamont asked, “Hasn’t she gotten up yet?” Sara replied, “Yes she’s up, but she just stays in that room. She doesn’t even come out to talk to the boys.” He set his coffee cup down and went to the bedroom.

  He stopped for a second then opened the door. She was sitting on the side of the bed, wearing only her jeans and bra. She looked around when she heard him. He went over to her, “Sara said you haven’t eaten. Why?’ She replied, I’m not hungry.” Lamont sighed, “Baby you sure fooled me. If anyone had told me three months ago you would have lived on self pity—I’d have told him they were dead wrong. You’ve always been such a fighter. You’ve always held up to any kind of problem. What is it Barbara? Don’t you think I’d help you if I could? I don’t know what the hell to do.” Barbara looked up at him, “You’re not mad at me any more?” He took her hands and pulled her up on her feet. Then he pushed her hair from her face. His eyes met hers, “I’m sorry I blew my top. I’m not mad at you. I’m just hurt. It hurts like hell to want you so damn much and you don’t want me.” Barbara said, “I do want you. I swear I do Monty.” His eyes searched her face. He had to believe her this time. He reached out and gathered her in his arms, “Barbara I’m not gonna pity you. You don’t need pity. I want what you and I to have what we had a few months ago.” Barbara asked, “Do you still love me?” Lamont said, “Need you ask babe? Of course I love you. I’ll always love you. That will never change for me.” He lifted her face with his hand until their eyes met, “No one can whip this thing you’ve got about loosing your breast but you. It is entirely up to you. I told you, it doesn’t change my love for you. Our happiness depends on you babe.” Barbara looked at him with frightened eyes. He continued, “I’ve got to give it to you straight. I love you Barbara, more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. I had one marriage with a woman who let me make love to her and she juste pretended to enjoy it. I don’t intend to live with another woman and go through the same thing. If I’ve got to make love to someone just to relieve a desire, I’ll just find a damn whore. No difference in doing it for money or doing it because you think it’s your wifely duty.” He let her go. He didn’t kiss her. He walked to the door, “Get something to eat. Straighten up baby. I want our life together to be like it was. I don’t think that’s asking too much.” Then he was gone.

  She looked in the mirror at herself, “Okay Barbara. You start acting like Barbara Ellman.”

  Later Barbara went to the stables and helped them all night. Sara had breakfast for them when they finished up.

  That night, Lamont went to bed with Barbara but he only kissed her good night, turned over, and was asleep in five minutes.

  Sunday morning came. That was everyone’s favorite morning because they all slept late. Lots of times Lamont and Barbara would make love before they got up. She had planned for them to make love but Lamont woke first and was shaving when she opened her eyes. She yawned, “Monty, come back to bed.” He looked around at her. She said, “I need you.” He finished shaving. The bulging in his briefs excited Barbara. He came over to the bed. She had the sheet pulled up to her neck. Lamont asked, “Do you know how you look right now? You’ve got that sheet up to your neck. You look like a frightened woman. A woman who can’t think of letting a man look at her body. Forget it Barbara. If I made love to you like that, I’d feel like I was doing something wrong. You don’t have to make love because you’re my wife. I can get along without sex.” He went back to the bathroom. She heard the shower turn on.

  When he came back in the room wearing nothing but a towel around the middle, Barbara said, “Monty, you above all people should know how I feel. How long was it before you’d let me see or touch you? Monty it was a long time.” Lamont said, “Yes I know that but the difference was I did make love to you and I did love you completely. I did want you and we had beautiful results from it. She began to get angry. That is what Lamont was trying to d, he thought if she got mad enough, just maybe, the self pity would go away. She yelled at him, “You know Monty, you’re really a sarcastic smart ass.” She grabbed her robe and whirled by him to the bathroom.

  As he got clean underwear and socks out of the drawer, he grinned to himself. He had her angry now. If this didn’t work, he didn’t know what to do.

  She came out of the bathroom, “If I had somewhere to go, I’d go now.” Lamont asked, “You mean you’d leave me?” She said, “Yes. I’ve taken all the smart remarks from you I intend to.” He got his underwear on and she started by him again. Suddenly, he reached out and pulled her in his arms. He chuckled, “You’re adorable when you’re angry.” She said, “Well you’re not. You’re just plain---.” His mouth went down on hers. He kissed her passionately. When his lips left hers he said, “I’m just plain in love with my wife.” She looked up at him, “Monty why did you make me so mad? Did you do it on purpose?” He said, “Yes I did. I wanted to see if you’d get out of that shell you’ve been in. Babe, it looked good to see you angry. You do care. You do have different emotions.” She slipped her arms around his neck like she use to, “Monty, I called you a sarcastic ass.” He chuckled, “Honey I don’t care what you call me if it will bring you back to me.” She said, “I didn’t mean it.” He kissed her again, “Get dressed. Let’s go riding. I think the cold, brisk morning air will do us both good.”

  So before anyone else in the house
was up, Lamont and Barbara went riding. The air was very cold but the morning was clear and beautiful. Barbara felt better than she had felt in months. When they got back, Sara was serving breakfast to Jesse and the boys.

  Thanksgiving came and Barbara and Lamont were happy again. She still didn’t let him see her naked but Lamont knew in time she would. She loved him now completely as she use to.

  On Christmas Eve day, Lamont and David took the boys with them to get the trees. Then on Christmas Eve night, all the Ellman brothers’ wives went Christmas caroling. They sang real good together.

  They were hardly over Christmas when Robbie had his fourth birthday. Only a few weeks later, Jimmy and Freddie had their eighth birthday.

  Spring came and of course Lamont and David spent most of their time on the range with the men and Jesse. Barbara began to drink every day. She still didn’t get out of the house much except when she went riding with Lamont. Sara stayed busy all of the time, keeping the house in order and cooking most of the meals. The boys were out most of the time. Jimmy had the job keeping the stables clean after school and Robbie helped him. So the bottle became Barbara’s company.

  One Friday afternoon, Sara and Robbie went to town to buy groceries. The deep freeze was getting low. Jimmy was in the stable trying to saddle his horse when Lamont came off the range. He saw Jimmy in the stable. He asked, “Where are you going son?” Jimmy said, “I was coming after you Dad.” Lamont repeated, “After me?” Jimmy said, “Yes. I got home from school and Mom’s kind of drunk.” Lamont said, “She’s what?” Jimmy looked down, “She’s drunk.” Jimmy had seen her drinking before but he had never seen her drunk. Lamont said, “I’ll saddle your horse and you take this wire to Dave and Jesse. They are on the south wing near the spring. You know the way don’t you?” Jimmy answered, “Sure Dad. You took me there last summer.” He watched the boy ride off and saw he was going in the right direction. Then he hurried to the house.

  Lamont thought, “Jimmy must be wrong. Barbara never drinks unless it’s with me and she usually doesn’t drink much then.” He opened the kitchen door and went into the den. He met Barbara coming out of their bedroom with a bottle in her hand. She giggled, “Hello darling.” He could see she was drunk. He reached for the glass in her other hand. She pulled her hand back, “If you want a drink, you’ll have to get your own glass. This one is mine.” Lamont took the bottle and glass from her, “You don’t need any more.” She said, “How do you know what I need?” Lamont asked, “How long has this been going on?” She said, “What? I’ve just had a few drinks. What’s wrong with that?” Lamont said, “Jimmy saw you. He was coming after me. Barbara you’re his mother. I don’t think he is very proud of you right now.” She complained, “Now you’re worried about Jimmy. You worry about everybody but me.” Lamont got her by the arm, “Come on. All you can do is sleep it off.” She put her arms around his neck, “I’ll do a strip tease for you.” He took he robe off and turned the cover back, “Come on” She said, “No, not unless you go to bed too.” He said, “I can’t now.” She yelled, “You mean you don’t want to.” He sighed, “Okay, I don’t like making love to a drunk woman.” She giggled, “Oooh—I bet you have made love with a drunk woman.” Lamont said, “Barbara, if you don’t go to bed, I’m gonna put you there myself.” She giggled some more, “That will be fun.” She fumbled with his shirt trying to unbutton it. “You ain’t loved me in a long time. I want you to make love to me. I’ll even show you my beautiful scar.” Lamont was about to loose his patience, “Okay babe, you asked for it.”

  He reached for her to put her in bed and she grabbed his shirt tearing all the buttons off. She said, “Love me Monty, damn it.” He picked her up and carried her to the bed. She got a hand under his tee-shirt and pinched him. He laid her down on the bed. Before he could get the cover over her, she had unzipped his pants and had her hand inside. He couldn’t stop the desire that immediately rose within him. He began undressing, “ Okay baby, if you want me so much, you can have me.” When he was nude, he reached around and unhooked her bra. She was drunk enough she didn’t care if he saw her whole body. He pulled the bra away from her and then he saw the long, ugly scar. Lamont could see why she didn’t want him to see her. He pushed her panties off and whispered, “Love me babe.”

  For the first time since the operation, Lamont kissed her body over and over. She begged for him. His hands possessed her and her hands possessed him. Their bodies were stimulated with such a burning sensation for each other, their climax came sooner than they wanted it too. Lamont lay lifeless beside her for a moment. Then he raised up and saw she was sound asleep. He covered her body with the sheet and blanket. He got up and dressed. He went over and looked down at her, “babe, you were really hot.”

  She slept until supper. When she woke, she could just remember tearing the buttons off Lamont’s shirt. Then she noticed she was completely nude. Jimmy tapped on the bedroom door, “mom, supper is ready.” Barbara said, “I’ll be there in a minute.”

  She had just got to the table when Jesse and Lamont came in. They had a pleasant meal.

  That night after Lamont took his shower, Barbara asked, “Monty will you sit down here.” He sat down on the chair near the bed near where she was sitting on the bed. She asked, “Can we talk without getting mad at each other?” He said, “Yes, I think we can. We do need to talk.” She said, “First of all I want you to know I’m sorry about getting drunk. Lamont asked, “How long have you been doing this?” She answered, “About two months. I started drinking just once in a while. It’s come to the point I can’t seem to function any more without something to drink. She looked down at her hands folded in her lap, “I’m scared Monty. I’m afraid I’ve become an alcoholic.” He sighed, “I don’t think you have this soon. If you don’t stop you will be. You’ve got a good start.” He took her hands in his, “Talk to me Barbara. If you’ll just tell me what is wrong?” Barbara said, “It sounds so silly.” He said, “Try me. Barb I want to help you.” Barbara took a deep breath and said, “Okay, here goes. Monty all my life I’ve known I was ugly. I’ve got a big nose, a big mouth, and my hair is even an ugly brown. I never thought much about my body until long ago in Japan. The first time you saw me nude you said I had a nice body. You really bragged on my breasts, how nicely they were shaped. After that I knew I did have something that attracted you. The first time you made love to me, I knew you were the man for me. Then later, you married Natalie. I kind of went off the deep end. I went to bed with two men at different times but I couldn’t take that. I hated it when they touched me or even kissed me. Only your kisses and touches made me come alive. You made me feel beautiful. Then when I saw you at the ski lodged and learned you and Natalie were on the verge of separating for good, I prayed you would fall in love with me. Yet when I’d look in the mirror my hopes and dreams would vanish because Natalie had both. She had the face of an angel and the body of a model. Then, when Dad was killed and you took me home with you, I began to hope again. Those days in California were wonderful. All my hopes and prayers were answered. You told me you loved me. Then my life was shattered when you were reported missing in action but what kept me going was the baby I was carrying. Your baby. Inside of me I still had a part of you. When you did come back and we got married, I could hardly believe you were mine, all mine. Then the operation, All I had to give you was my body. I feel you have been cheated. I have nothing to offer you any more. I know how honorable you are and you’ve got a heart as big as all outdoors. You would stay my husband. Monty, you just couldn’t love me now and it’s driving me crazy. I know how sick you must get when we make love.” Lamont asked, “Have you finished?” Barbara said, “All except one thing. I want you to know you are free if you want to be. I won’t stand in your way.” The room was silent for a few seconds. Then Lamont said, “I’m not such an honorable man that I would live with you if I didn’t love you. What kind of man do you think I am. Do you think I would say I loved you if I didn’t? Look Barbara, all your life yo
u’ve had this obsession about being ugly. You are not ugly. I admit you’re no sex symbol and that’s fine with me because I don’t want a sex symbol. I want a woman that is all woman. A woman that makes my home a happy one. A woman who is a good mother. You are everything I’ve ever wanted and when you and I make love, you awaken a fire, a powerful emotion of intense feelings that make me forget anything exists except you and me engrossed in the sweetness of each other. I don’t think a person can have these feelings if they don’t love that person. If you can’t believe what I just said then I know of no other way to tell you.” Barbara looked at Lamont and said, “I’ve never heard you speak such beautiful words.” She took his hand in hers, “What you said I know came from your heart. Your eyes are full of love. Monty I’ve been such a fool. I do believe you. Oh yes my darling, I do believe you.” Lamont said, “Okay. Now the first step is to get all the booze out of this house so it won’t be tempting you.” Barbara said, “I promise you I’ll never drink again.” He gathered her in his arms, “The blossoms of our love are still in full bloom babe.” He kissed her then she asked, “Did you see—my body today?” Lamont answered, “Yes. Every inch of you. It isn’t a pretty sight but neither am I.” She smiled, “You’re right darling, we’re both wrecks.”

  They began to make love and Lamont touched her and their lovemaking was beautiful. Within a day or two, Barbara was back to her old self. Lamont told Jimmy the reason for his mother’s drinking was she was upset about something and she was alright now. Everything went fine. Everyone seemed happy.

  Then on July 4th, all the Ellmans and David’s family got together at Lamont’s house. The older children played ball with the Ellman brothers. Others just sat around and watched. The day passed swiftly for everyone because they were having such a good time. When the game was over, Lamont went in the house to change tee-shirts. When he walked in their bedroom, he saw Barbara drinking something. He asked, “What are you drinking?” She seemed very nervous, “I have a headache. I was just taking something for it. The way she looked made Lamont doubt what she said. He walked over to her and took the glass from her hand. Then he took a swallow of it. Lamont’s eyes darkened as they always did when he got angry, “You lied to me. This is booze. You have never stopped drinking have you?” She said, “I couldn’t stop. I tried Monty. I swear to God I tried.” Lamont said, “Damn it Barbara why did you lie to me?” She answered, “We’ve been so happy. I didn’t want to spoil it.” Lamont sighed, “How bad are you hooked on this damn stuff?” She said, “I can’t get by a day without it.” Lamont began looking for it all over the room. Every time he found a bottle, he would pour it out. Barbara followed him around begging, “Please don’t Monty. I have to have it. Please don’t do this to me.” Lamont tore their bedroom upside down. The room looked like a wreck. David came in the house to tell Barbara and Lamont they had to go home. When he saw them and the room he asked, “What in the hell are you doing Monty? This room looks like a storm has hit it.” Lamont said, “I just found out my wife is an alcoholic.” David just stood in the door with his mouth wide open. He couldn’t believe what Lamont had just told him. Lamont asked, “Hard to believe isn’t it? She’s got the damn stuff hidden everywhere in this room and I bet the whole house too.” David looked over at Barbara. She was crying. Lamont said, “Dave, will you tell everybody why I can’t come back out? I’ve got to find every bottle in this house.” David asked, “You want me to tell them?” Lamont said, “Yes. They will know anyway.” Soon everyone left.