by Drew Sera
“It’s horrible, Colin. How are you holding up?” Arthur asked.
I shrugged, and then I began to worry about exactly what Matt had told them about Sydney, Anthony and I.
“Where’s Anthony?” Gloria asked. I had no energy left in me and didn’t know what to say or how to act.
Matt jumped in though and looked over at me.
“I talked to my parents last night, Col. They know you and Anthony are both with Sydney. You don’t have to hide or walk on eggshells.”
Matt clasped his hand down on my shoulder and smiled. I knew that had to be an awkward conversation to have to discuss with your parents. But they were here and didn’t come across as judgmental. For that, I was very thankful.
“Matthew, where is Anthony?” Gloria asked her son again. I knew she had a special place for her lost boy. And right now, Anthony was very lost.
“Mom, dad, do you guys remember Blake and Cathy from my New Year’s party?” Both his parents nodded. “Blake is with him. Anthony felt he needed some fresh air last night. He’s with Blake,” Matt said, and I quickly glanced over at him.
Arthur frowned and asked if Anthony was involved with Blake and Cathy. I actually think I smiled. Matt rolled his eyes and explained that Blake had been like a father to Anthony – well – a decent, normal, loving father. Not like the son of a bitch asshole, step-father that Anthony was used to. Arthur relaxed some and asked when Anthony was coming over, which is what I wanted an answer to.
“Matt,” I looked at him, practically begging him to please tell me what was going on with Anthony but my phone chirped, and I picked it up from the coffee table. I took it to the kitchen before I even looked down at it.
702-555-2588: Hey Everett, guess what? She loves whips.
Oh, fuck. He had a picture of her strung up by cables, and her feet were dangling off the ground. She was naked and had been whipped. Her delicate skin was broken and there was blood.
I covered my mouth to keep from any noise escaping. Weakened, I crouched down and tried to get my shaking under control. I remained there until feet appeared next to me - Matt. I looked up at him and lost it again. It spilled out of me uncontrollably, and he pulled me up and into an embrace.
“Col, come here. It’s going to be okay.”
It wasn’t okay. Sydney was hurt. Badly hurt. She was probably in shock, and her mind and body would be shutting down. I choked out my words barely.
“It’s not, Matt. She’s scared and alone. He’s hurting her.”
I babbled as tears fell from my eyes. He probably couldn’t even understand me. He just held me with strong arms and let me talk. Matt picked up my phone and swore.
“Col, I’m sorry I told my parents they could come. They wanted to be here to help. I’m sorry if they’ve made you feel worse.”
“No, it’s okay. But, Anthony…please just tell me where he is, Matt.” I wanted to know about Anthony. I needed Anthony and he was my responsibility, too.
“He’s with Blake.”
I let my head roll forward and looked at the ground and sighed. I needed the lay down. I couldn’t argue and beg Matt to tell me anything. I was angry that I didn’t know what was going on with Anthony on top of the situation with Sydney. I was weak, cranky, and clearly out of control.
“I need to lie down.” I grabbed my phone to carry with me, but Matt took it from me.
“Matt, that’s all of I have linking me to her right now. Give it back.”
“No. You need to stop looking at these texts and pictures. Your link to Sydney is not through this phone. It’s here. She’s with you here.” He put his hand over my heart.
Being without Sydney has gutted me. To think that in my mind and chest were going to be the only places I could hold Sydney was crippling.
“Come on, I’ll help you upstairs.”
On our way through the great room, I apologized to Matt’s parents. I told them I haven’t slept much the past two days and everything was catching up to me.
Gloria came over and hugged me, and Arthur took me by my other arm and walked upstairs with Matt and I. Thankfully, Arthur just helped us up the stairs and then went back down.
I sat on the bed to take my shoes off. I took everything off but my boxer briefs and just stared at the ceiling.
“Rest will do you some good, Col. I’m going to keep your cell phone with me. If something happens, you have my word that I will come get you. Just try to rest.”
I shut my eyes and felt him put a blanket over me. I smelled vanilla. Once I heard the bedroom door close, I opened my eyes to find Sydney’s navy throw on top of me. “CGE’s Baby” stared at me.
10
Sunday, January 12th
Anthony
I woke up to a pounding headache and a sore body. I was face down on a bed, with my head turned sideways. I opened one eye and saw a blurry nightstand. My room. I began to push myself up but was met with lots of sharp, shooting pain coming from many directions and a severe stomachache. What happened? Fuck, I haven’t felt like this since I was in my teens. My room was like an icebox. Fuck me. It was slowly coming back to me…Victor. I thought about all the punches and then remembered him pulling on my belt. Had it been a dream? I reached down and felt that my belt was still in the loops but the end was out from the buckle and undone. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I had to get up. A voice startled the fuck out of me. Blake?
“Anthony, relax.”
I shook my head, which was a bad idea. Aw fuck! I squeezed my eyes shut and held my head in my hands. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I never should have given him a key card all those years ago.
“I have to get up. Sydney…any word on Sydney?”
“No, nothing new.”
I rolled over onto my back and felt the piercing pain as my back hit the sheets. Fuck. I propped myself up on my elbows and squinted around the room until I saw a blurry Blake. A washcloth was stuck to the side of my face, and when I pulled it away, I could see the dried blood. Fuck, that’s right. My ear was bleeding last night, and I put the washcloth down on the bed for my head to rest on.
“That’s some rough liquor you have in the kitchen. Especially for a man who doesn’t drink,” he calmly said to me.
“I only had a little. I think.”
Blake stared at me in disbelief.
“What the hell were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t. It was a bad idea. All of it. I was planning on just coming back here and getting drunk, then sleeping it off. Then I got a worse idea and I think that got really bad, though I’m not certain.” I rubbed my forehead.
“Why didn’t you stay with Matt and Colin?”
“We were kind of at each other, and I thought it was best if I left for a while.”
He sat back, assessing me before he began to talk again.
“Anthony, you and Colin are under a lot of stress. He’s venting and talking. He’s getting help from friends to help him through this. He needs you as much as you need him, but all you’re doing is shutting down and running away. I’m here for you, damn it. Now let me the fuck in.”
Fucking Blake. I let my arms give out and flopped back down on the bed. I closed my eyes but started talking. It was at least drowning out the ringing in my ears.
“Yesterday after you left, I was in the bedroom downstairs and I heard Colin breaking down. I thought he had received news about Sydney and was upset over it. So, I went to the kitchen and found him leaning on Matt, crying. Colin wouldn’t tell me what happened, and finally Matt told me about a text. I picked up his cell, and then he freaked out and yelled at me not to look at it and that sort of shit. I felt like he only wants me to have some info but not all of it, and because I was stressed too, I yelled back at him. I snapped at him and told him that I loved her, too. Then he tells me that he doesn’t want the last image I have of Sydney to be a bad one.”
I paused for a moment, trying to shake the picture of Sydney bound and gagged out of my head.
“I had to get out of
the house for a while. My plan was to just get drunk in my fucked up place. I thought I could replace the pain I felt over Sydney with a different kind of pain - physical pain. I called Victor and told him I’d pay him extra if he’d come over then rather than wait until the morning.”
“Yeah, I can see that Victor was here.” He pointed to my body, frowning and shaking his head. “Dammit, Anthony,” he sighed.
I asked him how he had found out about it, and he said that Victor was concerned about my head and left a message for Will. Will in turn, called Blake this morning.
“Some sadist he is. Fucking calls another sadist to say that he’s worried about wounds he inflicted.”
Blake laughed a little and said that he was also concerned about my head. I looked up at him when the silence went on too long. I was scared to hear him say or suggest anything else. I knew what was coming. He was going to want Matt to look at me. Before it came from his mouth, I shot it down.
“Matt and Colin can’t see me like this.” I stared hard into his eyes so he knew the seriousness of my request. “Matt’s helping Colin, and I can’t pull him away from Colin.”
“Fine, I know doctors, too. And if it’s not Matt, then I’ve got a handful of others on my speed dial. All are kink friendly. They won’t think too much of your abdomen that’s littered with marks from a cane or all those bruises that are already covering your body.” He paused, and when he spoke again his tone was quieter and it made me nervous. “Anthony, you don’t look well.”
“My sunshine is gone.”
He pulled me slowly to an upright sitting position, and I held my head in my hands and winced. I was cold and wanted to go to bed. Blake pushed my chin to face away from him so he could look at my ear. I let my eyes close because it just felt better. I let him look until I felt his hand on the back of my head and then another hand brushing by my neck. Enough. I jerked away from his hands, my heart pounding in my ears.
“Relax, Anthony,” he said quietly to me. I shut my eyes and took deep breaths to try and calm down a little but still was smart enough to move away.
“I think my head is exploding.”
“Which is why I’m taking you to get looked at now.”
I let him keep talking as he moved around my room, opening drawers and looking for things. He pulled out a tee shirt and helped me into it while keeping his opinion quiet when he saw Victor’s damage on my body. He brought me some shoes and leaned against the end of the bed and watched me. When I bent over to put my shoes on, my stomach cramped and I felt sick. Sick as in vomit en route. Nearly tripping over the shoes, I stood and used the bed as support to get to the bathroom. My head throbbed as I threw up. I was fucked up.
I refused Blake’s help but knew he stood in the doorway watching me. I did this to myself and I’d pick up the pieces. I kept my head in my left hand while I slowly brushed my teeth, washed my face, and shaved. There, I’d fucking do.
I glanced down at my jeans with the button and belt undone. Fuck, fuck, fuck! I had to get out of these jeans and more importantly, these fucking boxer briefs. I stared at the jeans and belt in the mirror as I tried to think. Fuck, Blake was right there. Pull it together, I told myself.
I got some fresh boxer briefs and went into the closet to get another pair of jeans. I stood in my closet for a moment trying to decide what to do. I should change in the bathroom and just glance and make sure I was okay. But Blake was here and if I found any sign of something other than a beating having taken place last night, I’d lose it.
I changed my jeans and underwear in the closet and tossed everything else in the hamper. I didn’t dare look. I couldn’t deal with that right now. Out of sight, out of mind. When I walked out of the closet, Blake was leaning on the doorway to my room and he continued to look me over.
“Everything okay?”
Fuck, it better be.
“Yeah, I just needed to change. I’m ready now.”
As I got closer to the doorway, he stood straighter to his full height and kept looking at me, which made me uncomfortable. I pulled on a zip up sweatshirt, but my hands shook too much for me to line up the fucking zipper. What the fuck was wrong with me? I looked up and met his eyes. He was watching me and looked sad, like he felt sorry for me. I knew this thing with Sydney has been difficult for everyone. Blake’s been busy running around with Colin and I. I was going to try to make things easier for him.
“Anthony.” He pulled me into a hug, but I didn’t respond well to that. I think I went stiff because he started rubbing his hands on my sore back and arms and told me to calm down. Could he tell how much of a wreck I was or did he know something I didn’t? I didn’t want him to touch me. I didn’t want anyone to touch me right now.
“You’re going to make it, Anthony. We’re going to get her back.”
I had a huge lump in my throat now, but I refused to cry on him. Crying wasn’t an option. I didn’t say anything and retreated out of the hug. I wouldn’t look him in the eye though, because I worried my eyes would tell him something. When I did look up, I could see his eyes moving from my face to my neck. I pulled the collar of the sweatshirt up higher and closer to my neck, grabbed the picture of Sydney and I from my bed, and made my way to the great room.
I walked close to the wall because I didn’t trust my ability to balance and walk on my own. The sunlight was shining brightly through the windows and made my eyes close automatically. I could feel Blake was close to me, and I had to move away from him. I walked toward the couch and bent down to pick up my tee shirt I had on last night. Bending over made my head feel like it weighed a hundred pounds on its own. I leaned on the back of the couch and shut my eyes until the throbbing slowed. Even though my head ached, I gently held my hand over the back of my head and began to carefully massage it. The pain was too much though, and I had to stop.
“Anthony, what the…” I opened my eyes when Blake stopped talking and had pulled my tee shirt out of my hands.
He held it up and I stared at what used to be a tee shirt. The thing was torn around the neckline, had traces of blood on it, and was stretched out. In other words, it was destroyed. I frowned when I saw it and reached for my head again. Fuck, how do I not remember this? What I didn’t care for was the way Blake was looking at me. I knew there was a world of things on the tip of his tongue, but I didn’t want to hear any of it. And I was grateful that he was keeping it to himself.
As we walked by the kitchen counter, I grabbed the Everclear and poured it down the drain. Fucking dangerous shit.
I looked up and saw Blake reading what I wrote last night before Victor came over. Fuck me. He looked sad and sympathetic. He didn’t know that I was watching him read parts of my destroyed soul. He set the paper down gently on the counter as if it were something fragile. He looked up at me and opened his mouth, but no words came out. I wasn’t sure if he was surprised that I could write things with depth and emotion or if I was capable of those feelings. And I became a moody asshole.
“What? Surprised?”
His features softened, but he didn’t break eye contact with me.
“Did you write it last night?” I didn’t deny or admit to it and began rubbing my temples again. “Anthony,” his voice came out sounding sympathetic.
“It’s nothing, Blake.”
“Anthony, I’m so sorry, son. I know she means everything to you, but you didn’t fail her…”
I cut him off and looked away. I wasn’t listening to anymore. I didn’t need anyone telling me what the fuck Sydney means to me. I know exactly what she means. I reached across the counter, grabbed the piece of paper and tore it up, turning to throw it away. As the lid flipped up to the trash can, staring at me was a reminder of what might have happened last night. I felt myself start to sway and I steadied myself by leaning against the refrigerator. My mind went racing back to last night. “Unless you say red, I decide when you’ve had enough.”
“Anthony,” Blake’s voice was firm and he sounded frustrated. I looked up at
him, suddenly confused and sorry that I had snapped at him earlier.
“Sorry…I’m sorry, Blake.” I think he had been saying my name a few times before I snapped out of it. A hard knot sat in my throat, and I felt like I was going to lose it. Pull it together, Graves! “I need to sit a minute. Please.”
I reached for the counter and used it as my guide to walk around to the bar stools. I slowly lowered myself down and felt my heart begin to pound, when I was met with tons of pain at the motion of sitting down. I didn’t know what to do with myself. Just like in my youth, my hands gravitated to where they needed to be - one over my chest and one over my abdomen. It was all I could ever do to keep myself together and from falling apart. And I fucking wasn’t going to fall apart now.
“You need to drink something, Anthony.”
I closed my eyes but could hear Blake rummaging around in the fridge. Moments later I heard, “Drink some, Anthony.” I opened my eyes slowly and saw the bottle of water in front of me. I took a few sips and didn’t feel like I was going to be able to keep it down.
Somehow I made it into the passenger seat of Blake’s Mercedes, and closed my eyes behind my sunglasses. The brightness of the daylight was painful. Sunshine. Sydney.
God, would I ever hold her again? Would I ever smell her vanilla stuff off her freshly bathed body? My chest hurt on top of everywhere else. It was fucking freezing in Blake’s car and I pulled my sweatshirt tighter against my body and rubbed on my arms. Blake didn’t say anything but turned the heat up for me and turned the seat warmer on. I knew it would help ease the chill quickly.
“Blake...Matt and Colin can’t know.”
“Anthony, I already told Matt I was with you and about the call from Will. You can’t hide this. You look like hell.” I thought about what Matt and Colin would say if they saw me like this. “You’re in a relationship with two other people, and that relationship requires trust and honesty or else it falls apart. Yes, it’s strained and stressed right now, but there is still another active part of your relationship that you need to tend to. You need to talk to Colin. He needs you. And right now, you need to let me help you.”