by Drew Sera
I decided to mess with her mind a bit more tonight and throw in the outdoor element. She was soaking wet, naked, and cold. I had maybe fifteen minutes where I felt confident that the weather element wouldn’t actually damage her. I, of course, didn’t actually want her dead. She was no good to me dead.
I went inside and paced as I thought while keeping my eye on the clock. I figured by now she would have broken completely. Not even a minute after I fucked her, she still touted that they loved her. Things were not going as planned, and it was already Monday.
13
Monday, January 13th
Sydney
Once Paul went back inside, I lowered my head and couldn’t help but cry. I tried to remain as quiet as I could manage. My stomach hurt badly, and I could feel myself shaking. I don’t know if it was out of fear or being so cold.
There were places on my body that felt like they were on fire. It was all of the places where the hard spray of the water hit me. I glanced down; I had a bunch of red blotches on my skin from the water. I could see my stomach quivering.
I tried to stop crying because I was beginning to feel myself near the point of hyperventilating, and I knew I had to calm down with this ball gag in my mouth. I tried focusing on Colin and Anthony like when they try to calm me down. Focus on them and breathe. I shut my eyes and pictured Colin’s chest rising and falling slowly.
It wasn’t working though. I felt scared and wanted Colin and Anthony.
At least I knew Anthony was close, but I hoped Paul wasn’t hurting him. I wished Paul would just let me be in the same room with Anthony. We could get through this together until Colin found us. I felt so alone. I haven’t felt like this in months, not since before Colin and Anthony saved me. But now I most certainly am alone. I hope Anthony can get us out of here. He’s smart and strong.
Why is Paul doing this? I tried thinking about what could have caused such a riff between Colin, Anthony, and Paul.
Is he seriously going to leave me outside?
I raised my head and glanced at the thickness of trees a short distance away. Was something moving out there?
Oh shit! Please God, no!
I hated the woods! I shut my eyes as tight as I could so I wouldn’t see whatever was out there coming towards me.
Some time had passed, and I opened my eyes to the feeling of something lightly hitting me in the face. I tried to move my arms because they were hurting but there was no give. I was groggy but managed to open my eyes, blinking a few times until my eyes focused.
Snow.
Flurries were whirling around me lightly. I glanced towards the darkness of the trees until everything was blurry. I refused to let Paul win. Whatever he was trying to accomplish, he was going to have one hell of a time, because I wasn’t going down without a fight. Anthony and Colin wouldn’t let me give up on anything, and I’d be letting them down if I did. They made me a stronger person and I wasn’t giving up.
The wind picked up and caused the darkness of the trees to look active again, which made my heart pound. I tightly shut my eyes and lowered my head.
“Anthony, I wish you were here with me. I’m scared,” I whispered out loud, even though I knew he couldn’t hear me.
14
Monday, January 13th
Colin
Rolling over, I felt the chill of the sheets and opened my eyes to face the part of the bed where Sydney and Anthony usually occupy. I ran my hand over the cold sheets and pushed down the lump in my throat. They were gone, and the thought that either of them may never be in this bed again was nearly enough to turn my stomach. Before I got out of bed, I picked up her collar and ran my fingers over her and Anthony’s initials.
“Please, keep them safe. Please, watch over them,” I whispered and then gently set her collar down.
I had breakfast with Matt, Gina, Arthur, and Gloria but was stressed over the fact that my phone had been silent. With Sydney’s journal in my hand, I headed outside to the patio. I sipped on my coffee and paced around for a bit. I had become an expert pacer. I sat down at the patio table where Sydney often sat to write in her journal. She loved sitting in the sun. I found myself picking a few yellow dandelions from the edge of the grass. Sydney would pull them and set them on the table while she wrote. I opened her journal and opened up to a random page.
May 12th
Relapse
defeated, anger
caving, falling, biting
thought I was strong enough; was wrong
failure
Fuck. I frowned as I glossed over the words. The word “relapse” pierced my chest. The first thing that came to my mind was some sort of addiction. My mind raced as I tried searching my memory for anything that might point me in the direction of what kind of addiction she may have battled, but nothing came to mind. Sydney, despite everything she’s been through, was well grounded. I knew that what she had on her plate for seven years could very well easily have driven her to some sort of substance abuse. I had never seen her consume alcohol. She never said she had an aversion to it and when she filled out the questionnaire, she never said there was or had been an issue with it or any other substance.
This might not even have been about a substance abuse but maybe more so an addiction to a person. I knew she felt trapped by Howard and unable to leave because she was his “sub” or so she thought. I knew she felt like a failure over not making Howard happy, which was to no fault of her own. Howard was a bastard.
“Fuck, baby. I love you so damn much.”
I leaned back in the chair and gazed out over the golf course. Anthony most certainly had an aversion to alcohol. He refused to drink because he saw what it did to his folks. He ultimately paid the price for their lack of control. Plus, they were just fucking assholes. I still couldn’t get out of my head some of those pictures from his medical file. His folks better be rotting in hell. I looked back down at the page in her journal and read it again another several times before picking up my phone.
I thumbed through the pictures of Sydney that were on my phone. They comforted me and calmed me. I stopped at the picture of Anthony and Sydney the night of our first threesome. He held her tenderly against his body and her arms were wrapped around him. His face wasn’t in the picture, but hers was a little bit. Her head was resting on his shoulder, and the picture showed that she had a smile on her face. The look on her face was priceless. She loved him so much.
“What are you doing, Col?” Matt asked as he sat down.
I let out a heavy sigh and set my phone down so he could see. Matt picked up my cell phone and glanced at the picture. He smiled and handed it back to me.
“She loves you both.”
I nodded and swallowed back the lump in my throat.
“You and Anthony are so good to her. You wanted to help her and train her and somewhere along the line, you fell in love. Everything you and Anthony had written off for yourselves, was suddenly right in front of you. She’s been incredible for you and Anthony. You guys are happy with her in your lives.”
“Yeah…she trusted us.” Fearing that my voice was going to break, I paused and looked out over the greens to collect myself. “I often told her she was safe, and that Anthony and I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her.”
“Colin, no one could have predicted this. You better not start to beat yourself up over this.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. The wind was picking up and blew the dandelions off the table, but I gathered them and took them inside with me.
When Chris arrived, Arthur, Gina, and Gloria left and said they’d come back that evening with dinner. I liked the company and feel of a full house, but my house was minus two very important people. Sydney and Anthony made this house a home, and even though I had a lot of traffic from friends stopping by, it still seemed empty to me.
“How are you holding up, Colin?” Chris asked.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I’m holding up, and then I think I’m a wreck the next minute. I feel unse
ttled…hyper…exhausted…I’m just sick inside.”
“What about Anthony?”
That question hung in the air like a plastic bag on a windy day. Matt filled him in on some of the information he had. He explained that Anthony just needed some fresh air and time out of the house. But like me, Matt hadn’t seen Anthony since Saturday night. I suspected that Matt knew more but was deliberately not saying much about the situation with Anthony. I couldn’t argue with Matt over not telling me the specifics. I was too wiped out to argue. I had to trust him that Anthony was okay.
“I miss them. In a few days, I’ve lost both of them.”
“Colin, you haven’t lost either. You don’t have any news confirming that you won’t see them again. What positive things have you thought about in the past few days?”
Positive thoughts were not a well stocked thing for me right now.
“The way Sydney smells. She uses some vanilla shower stuff. It’s light and sweet. It’s like frosting. It’s that sweet. I can always tell when she’s near because I can smell the stuff. I miss that.” I let that sit in silence for a few moments as other good things popped in my head. “I miss her laughter and giggles. She smiled and laughed often. If she looked sad or upset though, Anthony would wink at her and she’d smile. Always. Anthony could always get her to smile.”
“Laughter is infectious,” Chris commented.
“She’d let us tickle her. We did it for selfish reasons, but she never told us she didn’t like it.”
“Selfish reasons?”
“Yeah, Anthony and I were so addicted to hearing her laugh uncontrollably that we’d tickle her almost each day. We had a daily giggle quota. We were always careful so we didn’t hurt her since she had a lot of cuts and bruising around her stomach and sides. We knew that fast, quick motions made her nervous, but we were always careful though. We kept our hands where she could see them and were calm. I’d give anything to hear her giggle again.”
“Colin, don’t get caught up in living as though you won’t see her again. It’s not healthy.”
Chris asked if he could see the texts from Paul. I thought it was fine. He was her doctor and was trying to help. He frowned when he saw the images and set my phone down.
“This guy is clearly trying to rattle your cage, Colin. It seems like each text he’s taking a jab at you.”
“Paul can’t stand me, but I had no idea he was capable of this.”
“How did the issues start?”
“I didn’t know he had issues with me until Anthony and I took Sydney to Irons the first time. Paul knew I was a trainer, and he knew I was working with Sydney. Often, other Doms will express an interest to scene with a new sub that I might be working with. He instantly expressed interest and I told him it’d never happen. I explained she was getting out of a bad relationship and mentioned it was an abusive one. Paul’s a sadist and really enjoys inflicting pain, and Sydney didn’t need nor want that. So, I knew I’d never allow it, if I had any say over it. But over a few weeks when we took her to the club, Paul witnessed Anthony with her often, and I think his interest or jealousy grew. The weekend before her first appointment with you, I was out of town on business, and Anthony took her to the club to watch Matt and Gina’s scene. That night Anthony had an altercation with Paul in the dungeon,” I told Chris, and then Matt picked up where I left off.
“Paul tried to talk Anthony into a threesome with him and Sydney, and Anthony said he wasn’t interested. And then things escalated. I had heard a lot of commotion and went to find Anthony and Paul getting into it. Turns out Paul had nearly taken Anthony’s ear off with a whip and then hit him with it twice in the chest and back. It was like Paul was high or something. I’ve never seen anything close to that ever taking place in Irons. Paul got physically aggressive with Anthony that night. In short terms, Paul is insanely jealous of Colin and Anthony,” Matt explained.
“Obviously.” I could tell Chris was a little shocked at all the exciting news about Paul’s obsession with hating me so much.
Chris left by 3:00 and said he was going to call me tomorrow. I was exhausted and didn’t have any energy left, but Matt had said that Blake was coming over this morning with Anthony, but still no sign of them. I was going to text him but figured he was still pissed at me, so I decided to let him be. It was killing me though. Not only did I want him here, I needed him here.
I knew it was cold out, but I wanted to be on the patio. Sydney spent a lot of time there, and she found comfort in it. It was a way for me to be close to her. Maybe it was stupid of me to think that, but I honestly felt that.
“Matt, I’m going to go sit outside for a while.” I was glad that he took the hint that I wanted to be alone out there for a little bit.
He nodded and said that his folks were coming back over around 6:00. I pulled on a heavy sweater and sat on the lounger facing the sunset. I hoped she was warm. The second I thought that, I recalled the picture of her naked and dripping wet. I continued to let thoughts of Sydney fill my mind and my heart. I had her journal with me and flipped through it some more.
June 23rd
Damn you
For knowing what I need and having the control over if I get it or not
Damn you
For know exactly how to use my weakness against me
Damn you
For being smug when I’m inches away, aching with need
Damn me
For trying to please you
I rubbed my temples with my thumb and index finger before looking up at the sky. Howard was pure shit. Until a few days ago, I didn’t think another human could get under my veins the way Howard did. Unfortunately I was wrong, and Paul had taken that spot. But reading stuff like this made me angry. She completely took the blame, and it wasn’t even hers to take.
I was outside until it got dark and then went back inside. Matt had the table all set, and I looked at my watch. I still had time before Matt’s parents came back, and I went upstairs to take a shower.
When I got upstairs to our room, I sat down by the fireplace for a few minutes and picked up the photo book she gave Anthony and I. Looking through the book from cover to cover, I touched her face on each page. I ached for her to be in my arms.
My shower seemed huge to me now. It was usually occupied by the three of us. Out of desperation, I put a nickel sized drop of Sydney’s vanilla shower gel on her shower sponge and worked it into a lather - just to smell it. I closed my eyes and imagined that she was right here. The scent was intoxicating to me and I sat on the bench in the shower until I was sure my tears stopped. I gathered up some strength and rinsed off her sponge and put it back in the basket between mine and Anthony’s, where it belongs.
The tears in the shower gave me a headache by the time I got out. I took some ibuprofen and pulled on some clean jeans and a long sleeve knit shirt. It was a shirt Sydney picked out for me on one of the shopping trips with Gina. It felt good to be in something she gave me.
The scent of food and voices filled my head as I made my way downstairs. I strained to listen for Blake or Anthony in the crowd but was disappointed when I didn’t hear them.
“We weren’t sure what to get, so we just ordered a bunch of sides and finger foods,” Arthur said as he handed me a plate.
All the food was set up on the island and breakfast bar. Everyone had been so good through this and so helpful. They’ve put their lives on hold to help. And while I was grateful for everyone’s help, I needed Anthony. What the fuck was going on with him?
“Thank you, guys. All of you. If it weren’t for all of you and especially Matt, I’d have withered away by now.”
I started to get choked up thinking about Sydney. Was she eating? Was he feeding her or starving her? Stricken with worry and panic, I sat down instead of going to the food. Matt and Arthur were right beside me.
“What, Col? What did you just think of?”
I started gesturing my hands towards the table and then the island unable to spit out wha
t I was sick with worry over. Arthur started rubbing on my shoulders. I remembered him doing that when I was younger and couldn’t convey my feelings about my parents and the accident.
“Sydney. Matt, do you think he’s starving her? She could be hungry. What if...what if he’s not feeding her? How long can a person go?”
I was panicking and didn’t finish my thoughts before Matt stood me up and crushed me against him. Visions of Sydney starving to death were plastered in my head and I felt sick. Howard kept her from eating before. She was scared of this exact thing.
“Colin, stop. He’s feeding her.”
“How do you know? You don’t know! How long can a person go without food or water?”
He wouldn’t answer me. I let him hold me up. I was certain that if he moved, I’d fall over.
“We aren’t talking about this, Colin. You’re panicking and conjuring up shit. You’re running on empty. When you run on empty, your mind plays tricks on you. Gets you to think about negative shit.” He rubbed on my arms and then thumped my back in his usual guy hug way.
Matt picked my plate up and gave it to Arthur and walked me over to the island where all the food was. He kept his arm around me and told me to point at what I wanted. Arthur filled my plate up with the stuff I picked out, and then I sat down at the table between Matt and Arthur.
15
Monday, January 13th
Anthony
I bolted up in bed when I felt the belt slap against my skin. I ignored the pounding headache and tried to swallow. Fuck, I was safe. I took a deep breath and then checked under the covers. I ran my hand down my scar and took hold of my dick through my boxer briefs. Okay, I was okay. Everything was there as it had been before I went to sleep.