“It sounds like you have bad luck,” she pushes her hair back from her face and runs her fingers through the long locks. I want to wrap her hair around my hand while I make her mine.
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I murmur. “I mean, who would’ve thought in a place like this I’d meet someone as beautiful as you. That’s pretty lucky if you ask me.”
Her freckles scrunch up on her ivory nose and she looks down at her feet. I’ve made her uncomfortable.
“Uh, anyway, I wasn’t trying to say that I’m better than you because we grew up different.” I try to change the subject back to my attempted apology.
“No? Well, your non-addiction to coke and your awesome, loving parents sounded better.” Her voice runs cold.
“Hey, I’ve got my own shit. I bet everyone in here does. My family isn’t perfect, ok? It’s just not,” I shake my head and try to stay in the moment, I don’t want memories to overtake me, “it’s just not the main thing I struggle with. I’m definitely not better than you. Just different.”
Our shoes crunch against the twigs on the path below us. Holly looks up at me from under her eyelashes, like she doesn’t fully trust me or my words.
“Ok,” she says finally. Tension I didn’t know I was holding washes away with just that one word.
“Great,” I smile. “Hey, we’re both in here for coke, right? Maybe we can focus on our similarities. Help each other out with this thing, huh?” I ramble, happy to have reached a truce.
“Maybe,” she answers tentatively. “Um, but right now the walk is over and I’ve got a class to go to. I’ll see you in group tomorrow, ok?” She doesn’t wait for me to answer, breaking off from the trail, she heads back to the front doors of Edgewood and doesn’t look back.
I feel like we’re doing a dance. Waltzing back and forth, one step forward and two steps back.
9|Holly
I make my way down the hall to my room, trying to convince myself that my body is ready for sleep. I know I’m not tired. I just want to close my eyes and dream of him. Jake.
I want the freedom to talk to him, laugh with him, to kiss him. My heart flutters as the last thought lingers. What is it about him that makes me feel this way? I’ve been numb for so long, my world dulled by drugs and pain, I forgot how this feels. How a simple glance from his gorgeous eyes can make me happy and shy, at the same time. How a smile from his perfect lips can make a flush of heat rush through my body, igniting my soul.
Speaking of smiles, I can’t hide the one stupidly pasted on my face right now. I’m getting funny looks from the other patients as I float through the hall like a girl who has finally been asked to the prom by her high school crush, but I don’t care.
I turn the corner into my room and walk in through the open door. They make us keep the doors open here during the day. I’ve been told that they do random inspections in the rooms to make sure no one is sneaking in drugs or booze. I guess it makes sense, but it still feels weird to know that just anyone could be rifling through my underwear or reading through my journal while I’m gone.
At least we get to close them at night. I’d never get any sleep with the bright light cascading into my room from the hall, like a spotlight on a prison tower. I fling the door shut and climb into bed. I’m so ready for sleep to overtake me. The days are long here. Like mercury, I feel myself melt away from my body, ready to reform into a new shape in my dreams.
I hear a noise from my closet and sit up in bed. The room looks different. I look around and realize that I’m in my childhood bedroom.
How did I…?
There’s no time to question it because the noise in my closet is growing louder. I should run away, or scream, but I can’t stop myself from opening the door. I know what’s waiting for me before the door even opens, but I still gasp. My heart pounds rushing blood into my ears and my lungs struggle to take in air. I open my mouth to scream, but Knox steps forward from behind the door and clamps his hand over my mouth, muffling my cries with his meaty hand as he pushes me back against the wall with a thump.
“Shut your fucking mouth,” he reaches behind him and pulls out his gun. The gun I shot him in the leg with. How did he get it back? I feel the cold metal nuzzle against my temple. Tears spring to my eyes as he cocks it.
“Make a fucking sound and I’ll kill whoever comes in here, then I’ll kill you.” He sneers. I can’t breathe. His hand is still locked over my lips and pressed up snugly under my nose, making it next to impossible to get any air.
Knox releases his icy grip from my face and pinches his fingers into the flesh of my arm. The flesh of my arm. The thought occurs to me. That’s how I started thinking of myself when I was with him. Like my mind and body became separate entities. He could control my body, he could hurt my flesh, but he could never rule my mind.
“Knox, please,” I whisper, knowing full well that he’ll make good on his promise to kill anyone who walks in here.
“Shut the fuck up, bitch,” he tosses me down and I tumble onto my bed. I slide back, desperate to put some space between us, until my back hits the wall behind me. I knew he would find me. I went to the furthest rehab center I could find, hoping to escape him. To give myself a chance to heal before I had to think of how to spend the rest of my life avoiding him. Damn it, I traveled to the Canadian west coast just to stay hidden. How did he find me?
“You thought you’d get away so easily, huh? I told you, baby girl, you ain’t ever getting away from me. First, I’m gonna do you like you did me,” he nods down to his leg.
I slap both my hands over my mouth to prevent the scream, that’s welling up inside me, from escaping. His knee is bleeding down his leg, a fresh wound. Like I just shot him. My mind can’t make sense of what I’m seeing, I shot him weeks ago. How is this happening? I watch in horror as the blood soaks his jeans and pools around his foot, slicking out over the floor.
“Knox, I’m sorry. Please…”
“I told you to keep your mouth shut!” He raises his hand and I cower, crunching myself down into a ball as I prepare myself for the impact of his gun. Nothing happens. I wait, my head tucked into my body, but he doesn’t hit me. I peer up and his face is an inch from mine. I can see every scar, every wrinkle from years of drug use, I can smell the familiar tobacco and whiskey on his breath.
“I’m gonna blow your pretty little knee out, Holly. Then I’m taking you home with me. You got it? You’re my property, bitch. The only way you’re ever gonna leave me is in a body bag.”
He presses the heavy muzzle of his gun against the top of my knee and I choke on my tears. Click! The distinctive cock of the gun warns me of what’s to come. He can only hurt my flesh. My body. Not me. He can’t hurt me. I won’t let him hurt me. The thoughts repeat in my head like a mantra.
The door flings open and Jake pounces from the doorway and lands on Knox. How did he know? Jake cracks his fist across Knox’s jaw, but he doesn’t get control of his gun. The two of them struggle for power, rolling on the ground. Knox lifts the gun toward Jake’s face, but loses control. Jake twists his hand and the two struggle for the weapon.
“Knox! No!” I shriek.
BANG!
My eyes spring open as I sit up in bed. The room is dark and quiet, where’s Knox? And Jake? My heart thuds in my chest erratically and sweat prickles my brow. Was that...? I try to slow my panting and wipe away my tears with my knuckles. Was that just a dream?
I search the room, expecting Knox to jump out at me from the shadows. A shiver runs down the length of my body. It felt so real. Pulling the blankets around me tight, I lean back against the wall, trying to calm down. It was a dream. He’s not here.
I know it wasn’t real, but I can’t shake my very real emotions. More than the sadness and more than the fear gripping my core right now, I’m overwhelmed by something else.
Shame.
How did I ever let that monster control me? How will I ever truly escape him? He hasn’t found me here, so far. What about when my two
months are up? What about when I go back to Everglades City? I’ve seen Knox track down dealers who owed him money. Men who’ve fled the state, thinking they’d pulled a fast one. I’ve never heard of one who got away. He always managed to track them down, he has eyes and ears working for him all across the country. And when he got his hands on someone who tried to fuck him over, someone who thought they could get away…
I shudder and pull the blanket tighter. If he ever finds me, death would be the least of my worries. Tears roll down my cheek and land on the mini blanket fort I’ve cocooned around me. I’ll never get away. I’ll never have my own life. I’m fucked. I drop my head against my knees and sob. It’s over.
No.
The voice inside is little more than a whisper, but I heard it. I raise my head, sniffling. The whirlwind of worries still cyclone around me, but they aren’t new. This little protest, now this is new.
No
This time my thought is louder. I won’t lay down and give up. I’m not with Knox anymore and I’m not going to let him take the only thing I ever managed to keep as my own when he owned me; my mind.
“No!” I repeat the word to the darkness. I will get better and I will start my life over with a fresh mind and a healthy body. He won’t stop me. He won’t control me anymore.
No.
I lie back on the mattress and fix my blanket around me. It’s time I broke free from this cocoon and showed the world my transformation. I’m a butterfly.
My head sinks into my fluffy pillow, cooled by the night air and I close my eyes. As soon as my eyelids flutter closed, Knox’s face flashes in my mind.
“No!” I sit back up and yell to the night. This time, I don’t feel the power of the word. Just the way I always used it, begging for something, for him, to stop.
I run my hands over my long hair, trying to soothe away my fears. There’s no way that I can live like this. As long as Knox is in my head, I’ll never be free from him, whether he finds me or not. I need to figure out a way to erase him from my mind. But how?
“I, like, never get scared,” the memory of my sixteen-year-old friend, Roxy, floods my brain.
“Yeah right,” I rolled my eyes.
“Even at night?” My twin sister, Heather asked her. “When you’re all alone and it’s dark?”
“Especially not then,” Roxy flipped her luxurious blonde hair over her shoulder and sat up in her sleeping bag. My sister and I along with the other girls at our sweet sixteen sleepover leaned in to hear her secret.
“You’re trying to tell me that you see some shadows, or hear some creepy noises and you never get freaked out by that?” One of our mutual friends, Gina, prodded.
“That’s totally what I’m saying,” Roxy tilted her head and looked down at us like a bunch of amateurs.
“How?” Heather asked her.
“Because,” Roxy smirked, “you can’t be scared and horny at the same time,” she let the words hang, marinate in our teenage minds.
“Wait, what?” I asked.
“Ok, so, every time I start getting all nervous or feel a bit scared or whatever, I just force myself to think of the hottest guy I can picture. And then I let my fingers do the rest,” she giggles.
“Ewww, you’re gross!” Gina twisted her sun-kissed face in disgust.
“Oh, as if you’ve never masturbated. Gimme a break!” Roxy laughed, throwing her pillow at Gina.
“Keep it down guys! You’re gonna wake up my parents,” Heather had chided them.
I let the memory fade away, once again I’m surrounded by the darkness and my fears of Knox. “You can’t be horny and scared at the same time,” Roxy’s voice echoes in my ears.
Lying back on my bed I get comfortable and close my eyes again. This time, when Knox’s face pops up behind my eyelids, I push him away and force myself to think of the hottest guy I can imagine.
Jake.
His shaggy brown hair, his deep blue eyes. I suck in my bottom lip and let my fingers trail down my body. Jake’s trim beard surrounding his pale pink lips. I think of each part of him. His face. His body. Like layers of an onion, the fear peels away as I submerge myself into the fantasy.
I slip my hand under my pajama pants and let my fingers travel across my thigh to my wet pussy. I let my mind indulge in the perfect movie in my head.
“You’re so sexy,” Jake murmurs, soaking me in as the warm water of the shower splashes down around us. I don’t shy away from his gaze, instead I feel powerful.
“So are you,” I whisper, letting my fingers trail down over his chiselled abs until my hand wraps around his thick cock.
Water droplets fall from his beard as he smiles down at me. He leans over and takes my rosy nipple in his mouth, I moan and let my head fall back under the water.
Under my blankets, my fingers find my clit, aching with desire and I rub my sensitive nub and think of Jake.
“I don’t want to cum from your hand, I want to feel you around me,” Jake growls in my ear and easily lifts me in his arms.
I slide my legs around his waist and he presses me back against the tile wall as his member lines up against my wet entrance.
In bed, I swirl my fingertip around my clit, breathing hard as my pleasure builds.
“I need to feel you in me,” I tighten my legs around him, desperate to feel our bodies merge together.
Jake presses his cock against my lower lips and I open for him. He feels so good as every inch of him slides inside my willing pussy. I press my hips down, hungry to feel him fill me. I feel tight around him while he pumps his cock in me. I feel myself stretch to take his full girth as the hot water steams up the air around us.
Jake holds me close, never making me feel like I might fall. His grip is firm, but never painful. His strength makes me feel safe.
I throw my head back against my pillow, squeezing my eyes tight as my orgasm floods over me. “Oh, Jake!” I moan as I twist my head to the side. I pull my hand from my pants and snuggle into my bed as exhaustion finally overwhelms me. I imagine Jake lying behind me, his arm wrapped around me. Keeping me safe, and drift off into a peaceful sleep.
10|Holly
I’m the first one here. I’ve never been this early for, well, anything. Especially not for group. I scan the circle of empty seats and pick mine. I pick the chair that’s second down from where our counselor, Gavin, sits at the head of the circle.
It’s a strategic move, about as complex as putting your backpack on the bus seat next to you in hopes that no one will ask to join you. No one wants to sit hip-to-hip with Gavin. It’s uncomfortable, so I’m hoping by taking the next seat over, I can save that spot.
Warmth tingles through me as I nervously wait to see him walk through the door. Normally, if I have any time to kill before the session starts, I spend it staring at my feet or lost in thought as I gaze out the window. Today, I’m smiling like a goof at every person in my group therapy as they pop up in the doorframe. Only to scowl at them in disappointment for not being him.
Jake.
There’s those damned butterflies again. Fluttering around my insides like I’ve never seen a man before. Honestly, I haven’t. Not like him. Knox wasn’t the only boyfriend I ever had, but he was the first man I was ever with.
My eyes drift back down to my shoes against the green carpet as unwelcome thoughts of him infiltrate my mind. Jake is like everything that Knox tried so hard to be, and more. Not just in looks. Not just how Jake’s deep blue eyes shine with kindness where Knox’s sharp black eyes would narrow with hatred. Not just how Knox’s sinewy, ropy muscles made him look like someone who dug their way out of Alcatraz, where Jake’s sturdy, built frame looks like he could protect me from everything. It’s also how Knox needed to carry, and often use, a gun to demand respect. Jake commands the same just by walking into a room. His confidence is something I’ve seen before, but when you mix it in with his boyish charm and his scruffy, sexy face…
I squirm in my seat as heat rushes through my core and my p
ussy clenches. I need to get a hold of myself, I shake my head and my long hair slides lazily back and forth. My attempts at regaining self-control are short lived because Jake strolls into the room and a smile I didn’t give permission to cross my face, tugs at my lips.
His eyes are locked on mine and my heart quickens as my breathing grows shallow. I force myself to look away, to drag my eyes from his handsome face and look somewhere, anywhere else. Mabel smiles knowingly at me from across the circle. She gives me a little wink, making deep creases from the scattered cobweb of lines around her eye.
Jake takes the seat next to me and I mentally high five myself. It’s the small things, the little wins that make the days bearable around here. That’s what I tell myself about the surge of happiness flooding through me just because a guy I only met yesterday is sitting in the chair beside me. It would be ridiculous to get this excited for any other reason, right?
“So, uh, did you give anymore thought to my proposal?” Jake’s deep voice cuts through my scattered thoughts and my focus lasers in on him.
The rest of the people shifting in the seats around me disappear. The room itself melts away. He’s all I see. He’s all I want to see.
“Um, proposal?” I lick my lips nervously as I try to push the image of him down on one knee, holding a diamond ring up to me from my mind.
Get it together, Holly!
I tuck my hair behind my ear and look up at him from under my lashes, waiting for the lips I fantasized about kissing me, to explain what he means.
Jake leans back nonchalantly in his seat and lets his eyes drift over me. “Yeah, what I mentioned yesterday. You know, about us trying to help each other through this?” His eyes shine with amusement as he waits for my mind to register what he’s talking about. It doesn’t. “Since we’re both in here for the same addiction?” He continues after pausing long enough to see that my mind is drawing a blank.
Tinder Ella: A Modern Day Single Dad Fairy-Tale Page 47