by Paul Gamble
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About the Author
Copyright Page
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To Gemma, my agent and friend, who is almost always right, but has the decency not to be overly smug about it.
PROLOGUE
The reason you can be sure that there are monsters hiding under your bed is that there is almost no proof of them whatsoever. Generally speaking, the less proof there is of something, the more likely it is that it will exist.
Although this may seem like a strange statement and is likely to give any scientist reading this a heart attack, it is almost always true—and scientists know this themselves.
In fact, it actually forms the basis of almost all scientific thinking. For example, you may have heard of the Large Hadron Collider, or LHC. If you haven’t, the LHC is an enormous scientific machine that consists of a circular tunnel twenty-seven kilometers long.1 It is used to send “particles” whizzing around and around in circles until they spectacularly crash into each other. Basically, it is the particle equivalent of the world’s best Hot Wheels track.
Scientists spent nine billion dollars building the Large Hadron Collider to try and find something called the Higgs boson particle. Up until that point scientists thought that the Higgs boson might exist but didn’t have any really good evidence.
Now, nine billion dollars is a lot to spend on looking for something that might not even exist. But of course the scientists knew that the Higgs boson probably existed precisely because there was so little evidence for it.2
Therefore we know that when there is very little proof for things, we can be almost certain that they exist. For example, I am almost certain that I exist—and yet there is very limited proof of that. Certainly no scientists have ever set up a nine-billion-dollar experiment to prove to me that I’m definitely here.
Therefore, by a process of logical thinking it is impossible to come to any other conclusion but that, when there is little proof that something exists—it almost certainly does. Equally we can conclude that if there is a lot of evidence for something it is almost certainly made up.3
We can therefore be sure, once and for all, that there are monsters living under your bed. Because when you were young your parents tried to tell you that they weren’t there. They lifted up the bed and showed you there was nothing there. And then they said the words that made you know they were lying. “There’s no such thing as monsters.… Honestly.”
* * *
Coincidentally, this is also the reason we know that the Loch Ness Monster almost certainly does not exist. Because there’s far too much evidence for him, videos, pictures, sonar … even an image on Apple Maps. The truth is—what’s lurking in Loch Ness is much stranger than any monster.…
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
MONSTERS
THE ONES HIDING UNDER YOUR BED
Ministry operatives have found no hard evidence that monsters hide under children’s beds. However, we are almost certain that they are there.
The current thinking on this matter is as follows: When you look under a child’s bed, you will generally find lots of fluff, sweets, comics, and sneakers.
In the past, adults have contended that fluff just gathers under beds. But this explanation is not satisfactory, as fluff doesn’t gather under sofas or fridges.
The only rational explanation is that fluff gathers under beds because something fluffy is living under there.
A further reason, if one were necessary, is that you never find money dropped under beds, whereas you always find it under sofa cushions. This is because the monsters clearly steal any money that drops under the bed and spend it—mostly on comics, sweets, and sneakers, of which monsters are so clearly fond.
Now you may ask why monsters only hide under children’s beds instead of adults’ beds. As always, the reason for this is obvious. If monsters hid under adults’ beds, then adults would raise this matter with the authorities to be investigated.
However, when a child tells an adult that there is a monster under the bed, the child is just ignored, laughed at, and told to stop being so silly.
Until adults really start listening to children, we are going to have to accept a world with hidden, lurking monsters.
It should also be noted that it isn’t just monsters hiding under household furniture. As any seasoned Ministry operative knows, there is also something hiding underneath almost every bath in the country.
* * *
1
IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP YOUR PAYMENTS, YOUR TEETH MAY BE AT RISK
MONDAY
It was recess and Jack Pearse sat on a wall next to his friend Trudy Emerson. Normally, Jack would have considered kicking a ball around with some of the other children or something similar. However, the previous week he had joined a secret government organization called the Ministry of SUITs, uncovered a plot to turn Northern Ireland into a floating pirate ship, and had almost been trampled to death by a group of runaway dinosaurs. All things considered, it had been a tiring week and Jack was quite enjoying having a peaceful sit-down.
Jack turned and looked at Trudy. She was sitting quietly, with her blond hair pulled back in a tight ponytail. The front few strands were dyed red and fell in front of her eyes.
Jack decided to say something. He carefully got up from the wall, took two steps, and sat back down on the left side of Trudy, which Jack had recently designated to be the “safe” side. That was the side of her that had her arm in a sling. This was the only physical evidence there was of how close to death they had come the previous week.
Jack suspected she didn’t even really need the sling—she just liked how it enhanced her “bad girl” image.
It was strange to think that seven days ago Jack would have tried to avoid speaking to Trudy, as she had a reputation for punching people who said anything she considered stupid. Even now, he still was slightly wary of striking up certain conversations because he was moderately terrified of saying the wrong thing. Despite the fact that they were friends, she still seemed to undertake a fair amount of her communication through punching. Jack thought that arm punching was possibly Trudy’s version of a strangely violent semaphore but with thumping instead of flags.4
“The weekend seemed really quiet,” Jack observed.
“Quiet’s nice sometimes,” said Trudy. “Why did you walk around to my other side?”
Jack hesitated before speaking. If he told her the real reason he’d swapped sides he was fairly sure that he would get hit. Because even though Trudy had a safe side, unfortunately she also had the ability to stand up and revolve 180 degrees.5 Luckily, at exactly the right moment, a living distraction clumsily ambled across the playground and said hello. It was David, Jack’s other best friend.
David was lazily chewing on a Snickers bar he had pulled from his blazer. He spoke between mouthfuls. “Hey, Jack, there’s a guy in the school office looking for you.”
“Oh yeah? Who?”
“Didn’t catch his name,” said David. �
��Big man, wore a tutu, was carrying a pair of pincers.”
Jack’s face turned white. In all the excitement, he had forgotten about the Tooth Fairy. The small white molars, incisors, and canines that were inside Jack’s head technically no longer actually belonged to him. Last week Jack had made the mistake of putting a pillow over his head. Any teeth that were put under a pillow automatically became the property of the Tooth Fairy. And the Tooth Fairy had the paperwork to prove it.6
Jack turned to Trudy. “It’s the Tooth Fairy. Do you think he’s here to…?”
Trudy put a hand on Jack’s shoulder and spoke quietly. “You made a deal with him, Jack. He’s here for your teeth.”
Jack’s stomach lurched. He wasn’t sure whether his stomach was fearful, or merely worried about the fact that if Jack lost his teeth, it would mainly be fed on soup for the next few months.
David cocked his head to one side quizzically. “You’re saying that the big man in the pink tutu is the Tooth Fairy?”
Trudy nodded. “And he’s here to take Jack’s teeth. We’ve got to get moving.”
“Okay,” said David.
Most people who had just been told that the Tooth Fairy was real would have at least had one or two follow-up questions. David, however, was a little bit strange and therefore accepted the fact that the rest of the world, at the very least, had a right to be as odd as he was himself.
Jack stood up suddenly. Out of the corner of his eye he had caught sight of the Tooth Fairy approaching. Six feet and six inches of bulging muscle, packed into a tutu two sizes too small,7 was walking across the playground. When the Tooth Fairy saw Jack, an evil grin spread across his bearded face. He began striding toward the friends.
Jack developed a sudden urge to play hide-and-seek. Although it wasn’t so much the seek part of the game he was interested in as the hide part.
Trudy stood up and clenched her one good fist. “The Tooth Fairy isn’t going to get your teeth without a fight. It’s time we used The Speed.”8
Jack wasn’t sure which he should admire more—Trudy’s bravery, her confidence, or her entirely misplaced sense of optimism. “Trudy, The Speed is all well and good. But you’d agree that a swallow is considerably faster than an elephant.”
“Well, of course. Duh!” Trudy laughed.
“Imagine an elephant in a boxing match with a swallow. Which one do you think would win?”
“The elephant, obviously.”
“And that is our elephant,” Jack said, pointing at the rapidly approaching Tooth Fairy.
Trudy swallowed both nervously and appropriately. Thanks to the marvelous workings of perspective, the Tooth Fairy was looking larger and larger with every step he took. “I can see your point. Do you have an alternative plan?”
Jack smiled. “My mother always says that discretion is the better part of valor.”
“Sounds reasonable.”
“Yes, and I always felt that running away is the better part of discretion.” And with that, Jack, Trudy, and David took to their heels and ran as fast as their feet would carry them.
The Tooth Fairy sighed, shook his head, and strode faster.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
OPTIMISM
DIFFERING TYPES OF OPTIMISM
Many people insist that being optimistic is a positive and useful thing. And it is true that an optimistic attitude toward life will take you far. However, as with all things, optimism can be overdone. This fact can be demonstrated by looking at the last words of famous optimists.
General Arthur McHenderson (World War I British officer): “They’ll never be able to get a shot on target from that far away.…”
Simon Arteson (inventor of the world’s most ineffective parachute): “Just because it didn’t work with the mannequin doesn’t mean that it won’t work for me.” (For further information please see the section Falling from Heights: Invention of the Modern Parachute.)
Sir Henry Chichester (naturalist and explorer): “Don’t worry, I’m pretty sure that when a lion roars, it’s a sign that it isn’t hungry.”
Traditionally, optimists and pessimists have been identified based on the following differentiation: those who, when they see a glass of water, think “the glass is half full” and those who think “the glass is half empty.” Ministry operatives, from their experience in the field, have discovered a much wider range of attitudes to life than the two mentioned above. Current thinking in the Ministry divides these groups up as follows:
Optimist—“The glass is half full.”
Realist—“The glass is half empty.”
Pessimist—“I bet you someone has peed in that glass of water.”
Pragmatist—“Why do I have a glass of water? Didn’t I order a Banana Thickshake?”
Gourmet—“Do people really expect me to drink a glass of water? I distinctly requested the 1990 Bollinger R.D.”
Some Ministry operatives have suggested that a few very special individuals sit outside these wide-ranging groups. For example, the Tooth Fairy and the interdimensional monster called Cthulhu are placed in a subset of the pessimist group. That is to say, they actually go around peeing in other people’s unguarded glasses of water.9
* * *
2
STANDOFF
Trudy took off running like a young gazelle. Jack took off running like a slightly older gazelle who was beginning to suffer an occasional twinge of arthritis, but who could nevertheless put on a burst of speed when approached by a fierce lion wearing a tutu.10
And in normal circumstances this would have made for an excellent escape. Unfortunately they had not reckoned with trying to run near David. It would be fair, although slightly inaccurate, to describe David as clumsy. David was more than clumsy; he was closer to being “anti-coordination.” He not only couldn’t get his own limbs to move in the right way, he also managed to cause other people’s to move in the wrong direction as well.
As Trudy and Jack started to run, David tried to do the same. However, his limbs spontaneously managed to get tangled with Trudy’s and Jack’s, and they all came crashing to the ground.
Trudy tried frantically to get free but found herself ensnared in David’s gangly limbs. “David, how many elbows do you actually have? I think I can count three.…”
“There’s another one over here, I think,” muttered Jack, trying to figure out which way was up.
Unfortunately, the exact number and location of David’s arm and leg joints will have to be resolved on another occasion. The fast-moving Tooth Fairy had caught up with our heroes and, reaching out one hairy-knuckled fist, pulled Jack out of the writhing mass of schoolkids.
The Tooth Fairy lifted Jack effortlessly with one hand. As Jack was hoisted into the air, his schoolbag fell off his shoulder, spilling its contents across the playground.
The Tooth Fairy reached into a hidden pocket in the frilly recesses of his tutu and pulled out a large pair of rusty black pincers. “Righto, this is going to hurt you more than it’s going to hurt me.”
Jack voice came out in a nervous squeak. “Well, how about you don’t do it, then?”
Trudy jumped to her feet and blurred into action using The Speed. She smashed an uppercut into the Tooth Fairy’s jaw, which made a clicking sound but otherwise seemed unaffected. He smiled. “That’s not going to work, love.”
Jack jerked his head, looking around the playground for rescue, but no one would have dared to help them against this fiend in pink. Suddenly, out of the corner of his eye he glimpsed a marker that had fallen out of his schoolbag. He had an idea … if only he could reach the pen. But dangling a foot above the playground as he was, the marker was definitely out of his reach. Jack wished his arms were twice as long as they actually were.11
The Tooth Fairy moved the rusty pincers toward Jack’s mouth. Jack clenched his mouth tightly shut. It didn’t seem to overly bother the Tooth Fairy. “Up to you, mate. I can remove your teeth, or I can remove your teeth along with a lo
t of your lips.”
Jack thought about this and realized that the Tooth Fairy had a distinct point. Trembling, he opened his mouth, his lips stretching into a grotesque grimace. Trudy threw a punch into the Tooth Fairy’s side, still with no effect. Violence was not going to defeat this most monstrous of men.
The pincers were millimeters away from Jack’s incisors when David spoke. “Your careers teacher must have really hated you,” he said, pointing toward the Tooth Fairy’s bulging tutu.
For a brief moment Jack stopped trembling. Apparently, terror wasn’t as powerful as confusion. Here he was about to have his teeth painfully ripped from his mouth, and David was talking about the Tooth Fairy’s career path.
However confused Jack was, he was also very lucky indeed. Because David had also managed to confuse the Tooth Fairy.
“What are you talking about?” asked a sneering Tooth Fairy.
David shrugged as he got up from the ground and dusted himself off. “Well, you know, getting you a job as a Tooth Fairy. It isn’t a great job, is it? I mean, not with you having to wear that costume and all.”
The Tooth Fairy looked down at his bulging tutu and thought about David’s argument. Jack felt the enormous hairy hand of the Tooth Fairy loosen slightly on his blazer.
David continued his train of thought. “I mean, what kind of qualifications do you need to be the Tooth Fairy?”
“Qualifications?” The Tooth Fairy vigorously shook his head. “I don’t need qualifications. This is a family business, see? I’m the owner/operator. My dad was the Tooth Fairy, and his dad was the Tooth Fairy.”
David took a step toward the Tooth Fairy and poked the bulging pink tutu. “So you got the costume from your dad, then? He was a lot thinner than you, wasn’t he?”
For the first time since Jack had met him the Tooth Fairy seemed to be on the defensive. “Shut up!”