by Paul Gamble
* * *
16
THE SPARK KNIGHT
“Owwww!”
Jack was in pain, but was more stunned to hear Trudy cry out as well. Could anything hurt Trudy? What were they up against? It must be something horrific, something deadly, something … something that was wearing a white shirt tied around its neck and a school tie with two holes cut in it for a mask.
“Dawkins! What are you doing here?” Jack shouted, relieved but angry at the same time. After all, Dawkins wasn’t really dangerous. He was just a slightly deluded classmate who thought that the fact that he could generate small charges of static electricity had turned him into the world’s worst-costumed superhero.
Dawkins sighed. “Can’t you at least call me Static? I’ve been working on the costume.”
Jack looked at Static. The costume had been considerably improved. The white shirt had the arms cut off and now actually looked a lot more like a cape. He also had added little bits of color to the rest of the costume by adding cut-up school ties to it. And he had a pair of rubber gloves tucked into his belt. Having said that, he still didn’t look much like a superhero.
Trudy was rubbing her arm where she had touched Static. “You shocked me.”
“Of course I did! I’m Static, also known as the Spark Knight. I noticed there was something strange going on out here and so I decided to investigate after school. That’s what heroes do. Y’know … investigate stuff…”
“But there’s no carpet36 out here, so how did you…?”
Static pointed back, presumably toward the school. “I built up a huge charge in the school before coming out here so I could be ready if anyone attacked me.” Static lifted the rubber gloves out from his belt. “That’s what these are for. I put them on once I’m charged up so I can touch things without losing my shocking powers. But when I heard your voices I thought it might be enemies, so I got ready for action.”
Trudy sighed. “Jack, you know the way you asked if I thought David was getting stranger?”
“Yeah.”
“He’s not the only one.”
“What are you guys doing out here anyway?” Static asked.
Jack and Trudy exchanged knowing glances. They had to tell Static something … but they didn’t want him to know everything about the Ministry.
“Same as you really. We just wanted to find out what was going on.”
“Great, we can form a super team. Except—well, you guys don’t have any superpowers, do you?”
Jack and Trudy both laughed.
“Stop laughing!” Static stamped his foot. “I do SO have superpowers. And people have started singing songs about me. And calling me the Spark Knight.”
Jack thought back to earlier in the school day. He remembered Edwyn walking past him, humming and mumbling something about a sparkling knight. “Dawki … sorry … Static, that’s just Edwyn. And I think he isn’t really singing songs. He’s more kind of mumbling insanely to himself.”
Static’s mouth contorted in an angry frown. Jack tried to appease him. “Look Static, why don’t you just go back the way you came and…”
Trudy caught Jack by the arm. “Let him come with us.”
“What? But…”
“There’s something bellowing in this maze. And it might be in front of us and it might be behind. But either way we’ll be safer if we all stick together.”
Static had folded his arms and was pouting. “Well, maybe we don’t want to go with you.”
Jack was about to shout at Static and then he realized that there was something strange in what Static had said. “Stat … wait a minute. We? Oh, please don’t tell me that you brought Edwyn, your biggest superfan, with you.”
Static spluttered. “Ridiculous! You think I would endanger a civilian in what is clearly superhero business? Do you think I would put the kindly but innocent Edwyn in harm’s way? That I would violate the superhero code so egregiously?”37 Static threw his head back and stood with his hands on his hips, trying to look like a hero. Jack thought he didn’t really look much like a hero. He looked a lot more like a bit of an idiot playing a game of “I’m a little teapot, short and stout” who hadn’t yet decided which arm he wanted to use as his spout.
Jack wasn’t entirely sure why, but Static’s speech had actually made him feel a bit ashamed of himself. “Well, when you put it like that, of course you wouldn’t.… I’m sorry that…”
“Anyway”—Static removed his hands from his hips—“when I asked him if he wanted to tag along he said he was going to be too busy building the Static Signal tonight.”
“Uh … huh … what?” Jack was confused again. Trudy was intelligently staying out of this conversation.
“The Static Signal. It’s a big light that shines the Danger—Electricity sign in the air. That way the city can use it to summon me when they are most in need.”
Jack started to say something three or four times. Each time he stopped and shut his mouth without uttering a word. After a while he realized that there were some sentences that were so stupid the only reasonable way to respond to them was with a stunned silence.
Jack gathered his thoughts for a few moments before he eventually spoke. “Okay, so if the ‘we’ you were referring to wasn’t Edwyn, who exactly have you brought with you?”
“Every hero needs a sidekick.… Let me introduce you to … VOLTY.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
CONTACTING SUPERHEROES
THE USE OF SPOTLIGHTS
At one time, shining enormous spotlights in the sky to summon superheroes was commonplace. However, recently this practice has been discouraged by Ministry Directive 554/45K. A Ministry statistician did some research and discovered that in a period where a superhero spotlight had been used sixteen times, three people had been saved, five cats had been rescued from trees, and three bank robberies had been stopped. Unfortunately, eight pilots flying jet airplanes had been temporarily blinded, causing a series of crashes and over three thousand deaths. This is not a good tradeoff.
The other problem with using enormous spotlights to summon superheroes was that they were only effective at night. Evil geniuses quickly realized this and, following a quick trip down to the local electrical retailer to buy themselves alarm clocks, started planning for the destruction of the planet to take place during the hours of daylight.
Smoke signals were suggested as an alternative for a while; however, this was discouraged when three tenement buildings accidentally burned down. These days law enforcement officers generally find it easier to ask superheroes for their mobile phone numbers or write on their Facebook walls.
* * *
17
VOLTY
“Hi guys, I’m Volty. Static’s faithful sidekick. Ain’t he a swell guy?”
Jack was glad to see that Trudy was as stunned as he was. “I thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous—and yet look how wrong I am.”
When Static introduced Volty, Jack and Trudy expected a sidekick to jump around the corner of one of the corrugated iron walls. What they had not expected was for Static to pull a handmade glove-puppet out of his pocket.
“You know, if we ever want David to look normal, we could just get him to stand beside Static,” suggested Trudy.
Static pouted again. “You both say some very hurtful things sometimes.”
“Do you want me to get them, boss, huh? You want me to give them the Volty shock?”
Jack cocked his head to one side. “Static, when you talk through the glove puppet, you know we can still see your lips move, right?”
“Shut up,” said Static. “I’m only starting out. I can’t expect to become the world’s best hero/ventriloquist overnight. Technically, this is still my origin story.”
“You want me to lay the hurt on them, boss? You just say the word. Evildoers beware!”
Jack knew that they should have been concentrating on trying to get to the drilling platform, but there was some
thing fascinating about how odd Static was becoming. Jack couldn’t help himself from talking to the puppet. “So do you mind if I ask you, Volty—you seem to be speaking with an American accent. I take it you aren’t from around here?”
“That’s right, Chief, I’m Volty. I was a young newspaper boy in New York City, always ready with a smart answer and a cheeky reply. Then one day I sneaked away from my newspaper stand early to go and see a big baseball game. The New York Yankees were playing. One of the players hit a long ball and I caught it. Little did I know that the bat he was using was made of a part of King Arthur’s Round Table. And the ball was an experimental ball made out of leather taken from a cow that had been genetically modified by a group of alien scientists. And just before I caught the ball it got struck by lightning. And that’s what gave me my superpowers!”
Jack scratched his head. “Static, tell me again how you got your superpowers.”
“What?” asked Static. “You know this. I rubbed my feet on the carpet and it gave me the power to give people shocks.”
“Right, right,” Jack said slowly, “and doesn’t it worry you that your hand puppet has a better origin story than you do?”
Static looked at Jack quizzically for a second before realization dawned across his face. Static turned to look at Volty. “Gee whiz, boss, they’re right! Maybe I should be the superhero and you should be the sidekick.”
There was another bellowing noise from deep inside the maze.
“Guys”—Trudy clapped her hands to get their attention—“as much fun as it is to watch Static get outwitted by his own hand, we’ve got to get moving. At this rate we could still be here tomorrow morning.”
“Great idea! She’s a swell broad, that one.”
Static fixed Volty with a stern stare. “That’s enough of that. Look, you’d better get back to the Static Cave and check that everything’s all right in there.”
“Aww, boss, do I have to? I want to be here for the action. Vanquishing villains and maybe afterward we can all go for hot d—” Volty was abruptly cut off as Static crammed him into his trouser pocket.
Trudy started walking down one of the branches of the maze. Jack followed.
“Guys!” Static called after them. “Don’t you want to go to the center of the maze and find the drill?”
“Well, of course we do.”
“Then why are you going that way? This is the fastest route.” He pointed down a branch of the maze going in the opposite direction.
Trudy walked back toward Static. “How do you know that?”
“Didn’t you notice earlier that there were dozens of builders, but no architects or designers? No one in a suit with a plan.”
Jack and Trudy thought back. When they had watched the site earlier they hadn’t seen anyone who had looked like an architect.
“So what?” asked Jack.
“Well, if you’re going to build a maze, you need a plan. And those guys didn’t have a plan. What they did have was a lot of fast food. So before I came in here I picked up one of the wrappers. It had a design for a maze on it—you know, like one of those games for kids to play.” Static took a piece of crumpled paper out of the trouser pocket that wasn’t currently serving as the Static Cave. “I reckon this is what they used to design the maze—it’s been right so far.”
Trudy and Jack looked at each other rather shamefacedly. The second-most embarrassing thing in life was to be outthought by your own hand. The most embarrassing thing in life was to be outthought by a guy who had just been outthought by his own hand.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
SUPERHEROES AND ORIGIN STORIES
INSECT BITES
You may occasionally wonder why there aren’t more superheroes in the world. After all, many people are turned into superheroes by something as simple as an insect bite from a radioactive or genetically modified insect. People are getting bitten by insects all the time, so shouldn’t the world be literally and metaphorically crawling with superheroes?
The answer, of course, is simple. Although doctors have found a cure for things like malaria, they haven’t yet found a cure for radioactive, genetically altered malaria. Sadly, therefore, many potential superheroes die before they even get to use their powers.
For more information on this please see section Superheroes: Animal Powers.
* * *
18
TRUE HEROISM
By following the burger-wrapper map the small group of heroes made swift progress.
“You know, if someone had said to me last Friday that we’d find ourselves wandering around a maze with a wannabe superhero and his puppet sidekick, following a burger wrapper trying to find a fracking platform … I wouldn’t have been at all surprised.” Jack was talking to himself. “And that, in a nutshell, just shows you how badly my life has gone off the rails.”
“Are you okay?” Trudy asked.
“What? Oh. Yes. Just thinking that if my life is this odd at twelve, what’s it going to be like when I hit fifteen? I suppose the one positive is that at least today can’t get any weirder.”
Trudy punched Jack very hard in the arm.
“What was that for?”
“You know very well what that was for.”
And Jack did know very well what it was for. Anytime that anyone said something like that, it was a sure and certain sign that something incredibly weird indeed was about to happen.
Static was leading the way ahead, navigating by using the burger wrapper with the map drawn on it. “Okay, guys, I think we head this way—although I’m not a hundred percent sure—there’s a smudge of ketchup on the map here. Just round this corner and … oh … that’s strange.” Static froze as he turned around the corner.
If you have any sense whatsoever, you will know that when a man who wears a tie as a mask, believes he has superpowers, and loses arguments with his own hand says that he has seen something strange, then you should prepare yourself for something very, very, very strange indeed.
Jack and Trudy froze. They wanted to make sure they knew what they were dealing with before they took any action.
“What are you looking at, Static? Can you describe it?” Trudy asked.
Static stayed very still indeed. “I wish I hadn’t lost my static charge when I bumped into you guys earlier. I can’t possibly fight this. But maybe I can hold him off for a while. I mean, you know, while he’s eating me, you guys could get away.”
Jack’s jaw dropped. Whatever was around the corner couldn’t possibly shock Jack more than Static’s words had. Maybe Static wasn’t a superhero, but at the very least he was a garden-variety hero. No matter how deluded Static was, he was just an average boy and yet he was willing to sacrifice his life for theirs.
Trudy was a little bit more skeptical than Jack. “Static. What is it?”
“It’s a Minotaur.”
Jack gasped. Trudy had sufficient presence of mind to check that Static actually knew what he was talking about. “A Minotaur? As in a creature that’s half man and half bull?”
“That’s it exactly. But Static isn’t afraid of mythical creatures. Static stands for justice and truth.” Static pulled the limp Volty puppet out of his pocket and tossed it to Jack. “Jack, take care of Volty for me. Take him to go and live with his grandparents.”
Trudy was still skeptical as to how much danger they were in. “Take the puppet to live with his grandparents? What are they? A pair of socks with Ping-Pong balls for eyes?”
“Trudy!” Jack yelped at her. “The guy’s trying to be a hero. Don’t be so mean.”
“Jack, he’s been trying to be a hero for a while now. Very badly. I’ve got a gut feeling that we aren’t in as much danger as you might think.”
Static bunched his fists and tightened every muscle in his body.
“STATIC AWAY!” Static launched himself at the hidden creature.
Jack leapt forward to try and stop him, but was seconds too late.
; * * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
MYTHICAL CREATURES
REASONS NOT TO BE SCARED
Many people in the Ministry have asked if they should be scared of mythical creatures. And of course the answer is a simple no. Mythical creatures are mythical. Mythical means that they don’t exist. And being scared of something that doesn’t exist is very foolish indeed.
However, creatures such as Minotaurs, Dragons, Chimeras, Basilisks, and Wyverns all exist. Therefore they are not mythical creatures. And any sensible person would be very scared of them indeed.
A corollary of this is that it’s also a very bad idea to call a Minotaur or Dragon mythical in front of them. As you can imagine, it’s very insulting to be told that you don’t exist to your face. In these cases, the Minotaur or Dragon will probably try and convince you that they do exist, both by reasoning with you on a philosophical level and also by eating you.
* * *
19
ALWAYS GIVE CLEAR INSTRUCTIONS
Jack had been too slow to stop Static. Even as Static ran around the corner Jack could hear the noise of a thump and then two voices going “Ouch.” Trudy sauntered behind Jack at a much slower pace.
Static was lying on the ground with a large figure standing over him. Jack should have been shocked and surprised by what he saw, but his overwhelming feeling was one of annoyance. The danger wasn’t quite as Static had described it.
“I thought you said Minotaur?”
Static nodded. “I did.” He pointed at the figure that had knocked him down. “It is.”
The Minotaur nodded in agreement.
“See,” said Static. “The Minotaur agrees with me.”