by Paul Gamble
Jack and Trudy backed away and slowly moved to a safe distance.
“So what was that about, then?” asked Trudy. “Did you hypnotize the Minotaur with its own reflection?”
Jack shook his head. “No, it’s a lot simpler than that. I just thought about what I knew about bulls. Look, you know the way all bulls have a ring through their nose?”
“So? Bulls have nose rings. Big deal.”
“Well, don’t you think that’s unusual? There aren’t any other animals that wear jewelry. You never see an octopus with diamond bracelets41 or a goat wearing a tiara.”
Trudy thought about this for a moment. “Actually, I’d quite like to see a goat wearing a tiara—but I’m not sure what you’re getting at. Explain!”
“Bulls wear jewelry—so clearly they care about their appearance. They’re vain. And I knew this one was particularly vain because instead of skewering you he stopped to pick up the wig. That’s why I used the piece of metal for a mirror. I thought that he’d be concerned with his appearance. He saw he was a mess and forgot about killing us to try and tidy himself up a bit.”
“You risked our lives on that?”
Jack shrugged. “It worked. Anyway, even if the bull part of the Minotaur hadn’t been vain enough to be attracted by a mirror, the rest of him was made up from one of those guys who spend all their time flexing their muscles in gyms. And you know those guys can’t resist a mirror.”
Static had emerged from beneath the platform and stood up dusting himself off. “I imagine that’s why the Minotaur attacked us. He was probably jealous of how awesome my cape looked.”
“I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the reason,” said Trudy.
“Look, I don’t know how long the Minotaur’s going to be looking in the mirror. We ought to…”
“Get out of here?” Static offered.
Trudy stared at Static. “You may need some practice on the hero thing.”
“We ought to check out the drilling platform first and find out what’s so important about it that it needed a Minotaur to guard it,” Jack suggested.
Jack, Trudy, and Static clambered up the ladder to the platform itself. There was little to see other than the giant drill and massive engine.
Jack kicked part of the engine. A metallic echo rang out. “I think we should try and sabotage this drill somehow. I don’t know what it’s for, but it’s bound to be something bad.”
“Really?” asked Static. “Sabotage sounds an awful lot like vandalism, and we really wouldn’t want to get in trouble.”
Trudy was looking at a small metal hut near the edge of the platform. “Look, most of this thing is made of solid metal. We can’t possibly destroy it. But maybe there’s some kind of control console inside that hut. We could smash that up.” Trudy walked over and reached to open the door of the hut, but at the last second Static grabbed her hand and stopped her.
Jack froze, sure that Static was about to be punched. Trudy’s eyes widened in anger, but before she could do anything Static spoke. “Wait! Can’t you hear that?”
There was a noise—quiet, almost imperceptible—but definitely there. “It’s like a buzzing noise,” said Jack.
“Where’s it coming from?” asked Trudy.
Static cocked his head to one side and listened intently. Then, turning his head upward, he pointed to the top of the metal hut. “Up there.”
Standing close to the hut it was hard to notice, but taking a few steps back Jack could see that there was a small glass tank sitting on top of the hut. They watched it for a few seconds before they realized that inside the tank were perhaps half a dozen sleek shapes slipping through the water.
“Eels?” asked Jack.
Static nodded. “Electric eels. That’s what the buzzing sound is.”
Trudy frowned, annoyed that Static had turned out to be useful again. “Okay, maybe they’re electric eels. So what?” Jack couldn’t help wondering if maybe they’d been eels that had escaped from the Ministry’s party room.
Static bent down, picked up a screw, and threw it against the door. There was a crack, a small blue lightning bolt, and a strange smell.
Static stared at Trudy. “They’re using the eels to electrify the hut.”
“He just saved you from getting zapped, Trudy.” Jack thought that this would make Trudy better disposed to Static. Of course it didn’t. It merely antagonized Trudy more.
“Okay, you little know-it-all. If you know so much about electricity, how do we get inside?” Trudy pushed Static backward a step.
Static rubbed his hands together and his forehead wrinkled with concentration. “Look, since the amazing events that gave me my magical powers…”
“Amazing events? Rubbing your feet on a piece of carpet is not an amazing event.” Trudy spat the words out.
Static refused to be dissuaded and merely carried on talking in a louder voice.
“… the AMAZING EVENTS that gave me my magical powers, I’ve developed the power to channel electricity. Stand back, mortals!”
Trudy turned to Jack in indignation. “Is he calling us mortals?”
Jack nodded. “Well, yeah, but we are mortals, Trudy.”
Trudy paused for the briefest of seconds. “I know that. I just don’t like him saying it.”
“TEN FINGERS OF POWER, DO YOUR STUFF!”
Static stretched his fingers out and lunged forward, putting them on the door of the metal hut. There was a crack, a brief blue flash engulfed Static, and then he whimpered and fell backward onto the steel platform.
Jack was frozen to the spot. “Is he … is he…”
Trudy looked closely. “No—he’s still breathing.”
Jack let out a long, slow breath. Static may have been an idiot, but Jack felt that he was their idiot. “Right, let’s get out of here. We clearly can’t get into the hut—and the Minotaur isn’t going to be distracted forever.”
“And do we just leave Static here?”
Jack laughed. “Nice try, but you know you don’t really mean that.”
Trudy sighed. “I used to be Moody Trudy through and through. Now you’ve got me caring about people.” Trudy grabbed hold of Static’s arms. “You take the legs.”
The hardest part of moving Static was getting him down the platform’s ladder. However, with some effort they managed to lower him down, only dropping him the last five feet or so. They half dragged, half carried him through the maze until they came to the gate again.
“We’ll never get him over the gate.”
Trudy thought for a minute. Static started making moaning noises.
Quick as a flash Trudy grabbed the rubber gloves from Static’s belt and put them back on his hands. Then she climbed over the gate. Even with one arm in a sling it only took her a matter of seconds. “Quick, Jack, get over here.”
Jack didn’t understand what was going on, but it was clear that Trudy had a plan. He awkwardly clambered and hoisted himself over the top of the gate, dropping heavily to his feet. He managed to straighten up just in time to see Static pull himself into a sitting position. “Uggghhh. What happened to me?”
Trudy spoke to him through the mesh gate. “We were on the other side of the playing fields and saw you fall as you were climbing over the top of the gates.”
“Really?” Static seemed slightly unsure.
Trudy nodded. “Really. You hit your head on the gate as you fell. We’ve been shouting at you, but you were unconscious for some time.”
Static shook his head. “That can’t be right. We were in the maze, there was a drilling platform, and electric eels and a Minotaur called Alan.…”
“A Minotaur called Alan? Does that sound realistic?”42
Static thought. “Well … now that you mention it, not really. I … I suppose it must have been a dream.”
“Come on, Static, you’ve had a bad fall. Trudy’s going to call her dad and get him to send a car. We’ll drop you off at home.”
Static stood and managed to climb over
the mesh gate after three attempts.
Trudy used a pay phone to call for a Ministry car, which arrived after only a few minutes. Static was still more than a little confused and didn’t even comment on how disheveled and smelly the interior of the Ministry car was. When they had reached his home Static got out, but before he ran up the driveway he turned and looked at Trudy and Jack. “It was all a dream, right?”
“Yes, we just found you lying there.”
“Okay.” Static seemed to be thinking. “In that case I’ve got to introduce you guys to my sidekick sometime. I think you’re going to love him.”
Static slammed the car door and ran off. Jack found himself gripped with panic. “Trudy, Static’s going to realize that it wasn’t all a dream. Volty will tell him that he was actually in the maze.”
Trudy looked at Jack sternly. “Sometimes you really should say a sentence in your head and think about it before you say it out loud.”
Jack repeated the sentence he had just said, but this time in his head. Realization dawned on him. “Oh, right, yeah. That’s not going to be a problem.”
Trudy smiled. “I wouldn’t have thought so.”
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
BULLS
WHY IT IS NECESSARY TO ALWAYS FLATTER THEM
It is apparent to everyone that bulls are the most vain animals that exist. After all, no other animal wears jewelry.
However, many people don’t realize just how vain bulls are. The reason that they attack matadors is that matadors are always dressed up in fancy gold clothing. The bull gets jealous of the clothing and decides to charge. Bulls also think the capes that matadors have are pretty cool.
Capes are pretty cool. After all, that’s why superheroes wear them.
* * *
23
TOO MANY CLUES
After they had dropped off Static, Jack and Trudy headed to the Ministry headquarters in the museum. They were sure that a lot of what had happened to them had been connected, but they just weren’t sure how. They hoped that Grey could help them piece it together.
When they arrived at Ministry headquarters in the museum, it was in much better shape than it had been the last time. There were still puddles of water lying here and there, but the corridors were no longer completely flooded. They were told that Grey was waiting for them in the Passage room.
As they were walking down the corridor where they had been told the Passage room was, they found their way blocked by a very animated and annoyed Cthulhu. He was screeching at the top of his lungs.43 His mood had definitely worsened since Monday.
“Um, can we … get past?” Jack asked nervously.
Cthulhu kept screaming and pointing at his feet. Jack and Trudy looked at the floor. Someone had marked a large hopscotch grid on the ground; however, whoever44 had drawn it had made the home square in the shape of a star. Cthulhu was standing in the center of the star.
Grey wandered up behind Jack and Trudy. “Were you looking for me?”
Trudy nodded. “Yeah, but what’s happened to Cthulhu?”
“Well, he was floating along on his little cloud of green mist when we got the drainage system working again. The water went down and he found himself dropped into the center of the chalk star.”
“Who was playing hopscotch anyway?” Jack asked.
“That was Bigfoot. Unsurprisingly, he’s the Ministry champion.”45
Trudy was still confused. “So why’s Cthulhu so annoyed about being put in the middle of a chalk star?”
From the center of a slightly smudged chalk star the furious Cthulhu had started spitting green energy blasts from his mouth; however, when they reached the edge of the chalk star they fizzed into nothingness.
“We aren’t a hundred percent sure, but we suspect that the race of evil interdimensional beings that Cthulhu is descended from can be trapped inside a star shape for some reason. It’s either that or he really hates hopscotch. Or maybe he’s just superallergic to chalk.”
“He would really have to be absolutely superallergic to chalk, though, wouldn’t he?” said Jack.
Grey shrugged. “Well, yes, but haven’t you noticed that everyone seems to be allergic to something these days? I’ve often wondered if maybe someone shouldn’t be looking into that.”46
“Shouldn’t we, umm, let him out or something?” asked Jack despite his best judgment.
A sinister smile appeared on Grey’s face. “Don’t worry about that; we’ve requisitioned a chalk duster to let him out. Although it seems that it’s harder to get one than we thought. Someone made the requisition system supercomplicated for their own evil purposes.” Grey turned and nodded at Cthulhu. “Isn’t that right, Cthulhu?”
Cthulhu gave Grey a look that would have melted a P.E. teacher’s heart and then threw back his head in a howl of anguish.
Grey took pity on him and took a small, sealed plastic bag out of his pocket. “Snacks—your favorite, Cthulhu—seared eel cutlets; they should keep you going until the chalk duster arrives.” Grey threw the bag through the air and Cthulhu caught it. The dread creature nodded his thanks to Grey before starting to howl again.
Grey turned to Jack and Trudy. “Let’s go to the Passage room and continue our chat. It’s a lot quieter there.”
* * *
The Passage room was a large room with enormous bookcases around the edge of it and a few tables and chairs in the middle. Jack looked around. “Why is this place called the Passage room, then? It looks more like a library.”
Grey smiled to himself. “Why don’t you both try and look at one of the books?”
Trudy noticed Grey’s sly smile, shook her head, and sat down. Thankfully Trudy didn’t suffer from the same kind of burning curiosity that drove Jack’s fevered imagination. Jack knew by Grey’s smile that something bizarre would happen if he looked at one of the books. But he had to know exactly what that bizarre thing would be. Cautiously, he put his finger on one of of the books and started to pull it from the case. There was a click and suddenly a whole section of the bookcase swung inward, revealing a secret passage. Jack felt himself being sucked into it.
He was tumbling through what felt like an infinite blackness, not sure what was up or down. Then ahead of him there was a flash of light. For a brief second he was back in the Passage room. He seemed to have fallen out of a door in the ceiling and was hurtling toward the floor. He braced himself for a bone-crunching crash. But then at the last moment another door opened in the floor, and Jack was tumbling through even more darkness. His body was spinning and he was slightly sick in his own mouth again. Finally, he came tumbling back into the Passage room through another door that had swung open in a bookcase on the farthest wall.
“What on earth was that?!?” asked Jack as he stumbled to his feet, with his head still spinning.
“That was why this room is called the Passage room.” Grey laughed. “You’d expect a place like the Ministry to have a lot of secret passages, wouldn’t you?”
Trudy and Jack agreed that they would.
“Well, the problem with secret passages is that often they’re so well hidden that people forget where they are. Which makes them useless. However, the clever designers of the Ministry got around that problem by building one room that had all the secret passages in it.”
“Wait a minute,” said Trudy. “You mean that all the secret passages in this room lead back into this room?”
Grey sucked his teeth. “Umm. Yes. I know that’s a bit of a design flaw, but let’s be honest—if we removed all the design flaws from the Ministry, then the whole building would fall apart overnight. Anyway, the room is rather useful precisely because it’s useless—it’s always nice and quiet—so it’s an excellent place to meet and talk.”
Jack dizzily wove his way over to the table where Grey and Trudy were sitting. “Enough about secret passages.47 I never want to hear about secret passages again! We’re here to try and figure out what’s going on.”
T
rudy and Jack explained to Grey what had happened to them.
“And everything seems to relate to water,” said Trudy. “The seals, the woman walking underwater at the aquarium, the crab, this place being flooded, and the fish escaping.”
Jack agreed. “The deadly bath bomb, the giant spider under my bath … The only thing that doesn’t seem to fit the pattern is the fracking. I mean, I know they inject water into the ground, but … it just seems to be different. But we looked at the drill on the playing fields. There was nowhere to store anything—so they definitely aren’t drilling for gas.”
Grey considered what they had told him. “Well, maybe the fracking’s just a red herring. Maybe it’s something different. But there’s definitely at least one other red herring in your story.”
“What?” Trudy and Jack asked simultaneously.
“Come on! You’re Ministry operatives—think! What part of the story doesn’t seem sinister?”
Trudy and Jack sat in silence as they reviewed the story in their heads. Trudy exhaled after a while. “It all seems pretty weird to me.”
Jack stared into space as a thought popped into his head from nowhere. “The spider … It’s the spider, isn’t it?”
Grey laughed and clapped Jack on the shoulder. “I always said that you were the cleverest of boys, Jack. But let’s see just how clever you are. How did you figure that out?”
“Well”—Jack spoke slowly, thinking his way through every word—“I can’t believe that I’m saying this out loud.… but I’m beginning to suspect that all bathtubs have giant spiders hiding under them.”
Grey’s smile widened. “And how do you know that?”
“Yeah,” said Trudy, irritated that she hadn’t figured it out. “How do you know that?”
“Well, think about how often you find little spiders in the bath. That’s because they’re baby spiders that have been pushed out the bath drain by a mother or father spider who’s hiding under the bathtub.”