by Paul Gamble
Jack decided it was time to finally bite the bullet. “You’ve said that before. Why is the aquarium so important to you?” Jack screwed up his face in preparation for a punched shoulder that never came.
Trudy hung her head and spoke quietly. “A few years ago my mother went missing. The last place we knew where she was, was the aquarium.”
Jack’s eyes widened. “Your mother is missing? Why didn’t you say anything before?”
“It’s not … the kind of thing you tell people.” Trudy’s eyes went misty. “And before I met you … who would I have told? I’ve never been used to sharing my feelings.”
Jack felt awful. He couldn’t imagine what it was like not to have someone to share his worries and concerns with. All right, maybe David wasn’t particularly useful at solving problems. But even being able to tell people your worries was a huge relief. “Trudy, you can tell me anything.” He put a hand on her shoulder. Trudy was so upset she didn’t even bother to shrug it off.
Jack turned to Grey. “Grey, this is the Ministry—you look into mysteries—can you help us find Trudy’s mother? That’s more important than all this fish nonsense, isn’t it?”
“Well … umm … yes … but…,” Grey stammered.
Trudy eyed Grey suspiciously. Jack was surprised. Grey’s voice was always crystal clear and steady. He wasn’t the kind of man who stammered. Trudy fixed him with a steely gaze. “What’s going on, Grey? If you’re lying to me, I’ll hit you so hard that the Tooth Fairy will need Virgin Galactic tickets to collect your teeth.”
Even though Trudy was being deadly serious, Grey couldn’t help smiling. “Trudy, sometimes you really remind me of your mother.”
Two things happened simultaneously. Trudy’s jaw dropped and Grey slapped a hand across his mouth.
Jack looked from Grey to Trudy and then back again. It took him slightly longer to realize what had happened. “Wait … wait a moment. How did you know Trudy’s mother?”
Trudy’s eyes stopped looking shocked and suddenly burned with flame. “Spill it, Grey. Right now.” She said each word clearly and firmly. Her anger seemed to have banished her sadness for an instant.
Grey sighed and then dropped his hand from his mouth.54 “I think I’d better take you to the Minister. He can explain this better than I can.”
Grey led them along the corridors toward the offices of the Minister. Jack knew that this was going to be serious. Grey wouldn’t have taken them to the office of the man who was in charge of the whole Ministry if this was a trivial matter. Trudy strode beside Grey, and Jack struggled to keep up.
Once outside the Minister’s door Grey knocked, but Trudy was in no mood for waiting. She burst through the door, leaving Grey and Jack in her wake.
“You have something to tell me.” Trudy pointed an accusing finger at the Minister. As usual he was dressed as a vicar even though he had no clerical training whatsoever.
The Minister looked over Trudy’s head at Grey, obviously seeking some kind of explanation. Grey briefly described what had happened.
“Ahh,” said the Minister, “that is unfortunate. Grey, you can leave us. I will explain.”
Grey nodded and turned to go; however, Trudy wasn’t going to let him get away that easily. “What? I want his explanation too. Anyway, how are you going to tell us how Grey knows my mother?” Trudy looked both confused and angry. It wasn’t a pleasant combination for her or a safe combination for those around her. Jack knew better than to try and calm her down. He’d never seen her this furious before.
The Minister waved Grey out. “The reason I can explain how Grey knows your mother is that we all know your mother.”
Grey closed the door quietly as he left. Even a nonlawyer could have heard a pin drop55 in the room.
“We all knew your mother because she worked here.”
“What? You can’t…” Trudy’s voice trailed off as she tried to make sense of what she was hearing.
“She was one of the best agents that the Ministry has ever recruited.”
“She was an agent? My mother worked here?” Trudy’s face softened as astonishment replaced anger.
The Minister nodded. “Well, of course. Think about it. We came and asked you to be in the Ministry. That isn’t the way it normally works. Usually recruits find their way here through curiosity and suspicion.”
Jack’s mind buzzed with questions that he wanted to ask. But this was Trudy’s story and not his. He clamped his mouth tightly shut to try and prevent his curiosity from escaping.
Trudy kept talking. “Are you saying that I’m not…?”
“Before you say anything more, I can assure you that as an agent you are exemplary,” the Minister said.
Trudy stood up and slammed her fist onto the desk. “Why didn’t you tell me this before? Do you know where my mother is now?”
The Minister’s shoulders sagged. “Trudy, if I knew where she was, do you think I’d be sitting behind this desk? If anyone at the Ministry knew where your mother was, we’d be doing everything we could to rescue her. We don’t know anything more than you do. She was investigating something at the aquarium one day and then she went missing.”
A tear appeared in the corner of Trudy’s eye. “I thought … I thought she’d abandoned us.”
Jack looked at the floor. He’d never felt more helpless, which was surprising considering how often he’d been rescued in the last two weeks.
The Minister’s eyes became glassy. “This world is a strange place and anyone who tells you that they are sure of anything is an idiot. But one thing I am absolutely sure of—your mother would never, never abandon you.”
Trudy spoke in a small, unfamiliar, trembling voice. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”
The Minister didn’t answer Trudy’s question, but he continued to stare directly at her. “What are you going to do now?”
“I’m going to the aquarium. And I’m going to start breaking things until I find my mother.”
Trudy stood up to leave. Jack stood up with her.
“This isn’t your fight,” Trudy said to him.
“You’re right, this isn’t my fight,” Jack conceded. “It’s your fight. But you are my friend. And friends help each other.”
Before Jack and Trudy could discuss this issue any more, the Minister spoke again. “This is why we didn’t tell you before. Trudy, you are amazing. Even the Misery admires your use of The Speed. And Jack, you have the most amazingly twisted mind. You see things no one else does.”
Trudy snorted at the compliments.
“But neither of you have the experience or skill that Trudy’s mother had. You can’t just rush into these things. This is why we didn’t tell you what happened two years ago, Trudy. If your mother had gotten caught, you would have been caught too.”
Trudy slumped back down in her chair.
“I know you don’t want to hear this, but your mother wouldn’t have wanted you to rush in and get yourself killed.”
“I can’t … I can’t…”
“I know you can’t just leave her. And we aren’t asking you to. Just make sure you know what you’re up against before you do anything.”
Trudy looked at the floor. “Okay, okay,” she whispered, then got up from her chair and slowly left the room. Jack slouched after her. Grey was waiting for them outside.
“He told you, then?”
“Yeah.” Her eyes suddenly shot upward. “Why didn’t you tell me, Grey?”
Grey breathed in. “Many, many years ago I joined the Ministry, just three months before your mother. And yet despite that she was ten times the agent I ever was. She outfought me, she outthought me; she could even make a better cup of tea than I could.”
It wasn’t so much that a smile spread across Trudy’s face as it was that her frown weakened slightly. Grey continued. “She loved working at the Ministry. Some people said she loved helping people, and they were half right. She also liked smacking some sense into the bad guys. But there was o
ne thing that she loved more than any of that. And that was her daughter.”
Trudy sniffed and gulped. She started to say something but the words died in her throat.
“I wanted to tell you that she had gone missing while on an investigation. But your mother would never have forgiven me if you’d gotten caught in the same trap that she did. Your mother was headstrong too. And we couldn’t afford to have you run into the aquarium with your fists flying. That wouldn’t have gotten her back.”
Jack decided it was time for him to say something. “That’s all very well, but we have to do something now that we do know.”
Grey nodded in agreement. “Of course you do. But fighting isn’t going to be the solution—if it was, we’d have tried. You have to figure out what’s going on—but that’s not going to be easy. No one else at the Ministry has been able to figure it out—and we have been trying for years now.”
Trudy threw her hands up. “How am I meant to think straight? How am I meant to do anything when my mother’s an agent missing in action?”
Grey put a hand on Trudy’s shoulder, but she shrugged it off. “Sometimes being brave isn’t something you do with your fists. Sometimes being brave is something you do with your mind and heart.”
Trudy looked up at Grey. For the first time since Jack had met her, she looked like a little girl. She said nothing for a minute then she spoke. “I’m sorry.”
“Never be sorry for being passionate, Trudy. We should have told you sooner.”
Jack looked into Trudy’s eyes. “We’ll find your mum.”
Trudy said nothing but just nodded almost imperceptibly.
An idea occurred to Jack—he needed something to try and distract Trudy from what she’d just heard.
“Grey, a lot of the clues that we’re dealing with point to some kind of water-based villain. You know soap, seals, aquariums. That kind of thing.”
Grey nodded. “And?”
“Well, I was wondering if we could get any kind of water-based training. I don’t know … swimming lessons.”
Grey rubbed his chin. “I think there is something that the Misery might be able to help you with. Yes … there are definitely a few skills that I’m sure he’d be happy to pass on.”
If there was one thing of which Jack was certain, it was that the Misery wouldn’t be happy about passing on skills. The Misery was never happy about anything.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
SWIMMING LESSONS
INFLATABLE ARMBANDS
When you first go for swimming lessons, you are given inflatable armbands. This is typical of the kind of shoddy thinking that goes on in this world.
If you get in trouble when you are swimming, you won’t panic while trying to keep your elbows above water. Generally speaking, elbows are fairly waterproof and can look after themselves.
The first person to invent the infinitely more sensible inflatable necklace56 will no doubt become a millionaire.
* * *
31
PUPPET MASTER
Jack felt like a bit of an idiot standing in the middle of a dry corridor wearing a wet suit. Grey had sent them to changing rooms to get ready for their training. On the bright side, as Jack had hoped, the thought of training had seemed to distract Trudy at least a little.
Grey walked down the corridor with Cthulhu on one side of him and the Misery on the other. Jack was literally dumbfounded with fear. If the Tooth Fairy had been with them, they could have had the world’s most terrifying picnic. As usual the Misery was dressed all in black, his long, lank hair hanging down in front of his eyes. Jack wondered if he could actually see anything through his heavy fringe.
Jack was so scared he had begun grinding his teeth. The Misery seemed to be arguing with Cthulhu.
“Okay, okay, I know your room is special. I just want to borrow it. Anyway you owe me a favor—I rubbed out the chalk star and freed you.”
Cthulhu made noises that sounded like mashed potato being forced through a plug hole.
“I will be with them the whole time. They won’t be able to damage anything.”
Cthulhu made a few cautionary squeaks.
The Misery nodded in agreement. “That’s very reasonable. If they make a mess, I will wholeheartedly support your banishing them to a dimension where the only food is pain and the only drink is fear.”
Cthulhu still looked as if he would refuse the request. A determined look came onto the Misery’s face. “You do know the girl, Trudy—her mother is missing. Can you imagine how much pain it causes a child when they get taken away from their parent?”
Cthulhu’s hoodless eyes got slightly bigger and appeared to water a little. He made a dull moaning noise.
The Misery nodded. “I know, I know, but it was the only choice you could make, and it was for everyone’s good. Think of it like the best boarding school in the world—one with a near-inexhaustible supply of eels.”
Cthulhu whimpered and his eyes watered more. Then something impossible happened. The Misery hugged Cthulhu.
Jack’s jaw literally dropped. Although he had overheard their conversation, he really had no idea what they had been talking about. A boarding school with a supply of eels? And now two of the most terrifying people he had ever met were hugging. The day couldn’t have gotten any stranger even if the Tooth Fairy had turned up and admitted that his favorite film was The Fault in Our Stars.57
Cthulhu noticed Jack and Trudy standing in the hallway. He pushed himself away from the Misery and shuffled backward as if embarrassed.
Jack tried to smile, but it came out more like a grimace. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Cthulhu and Mr. Misery.”
The Misery snorted. Cthulhu ignored Jack and Trudy entirely and floated through a large door on their right. Grey spoke to the Misery. “Well done on persuading Cthulhu to lend you his room for the training.”
The Misery sighed. “It wasn’t easy, but he knows what it’s like for a parent and child to be separated—so he’s okay with it.”
So was that why the Misery was so sad? Jack wondered. Perhaps he’d been separated from his parents? Jack was sure there was something more to this story, but at the moment he was still too terrified to start asking questions.
Grey turned to Jack and Trudy. “Good luck with the training. I’m sure the Misery will take care of you.”
Jack prayed that the training would not be as intense as it had been the last time he had met with the Misery. The Misery gestured toward the door with his hand. “After you…”
Jack should have realized that when the Misery was polite it could not be the start of anything good. He also should have been looking where he was going instead of wondering why the Misery was being so polite.
On his first step inside the room Jack fell straight down into murky green water. His head slid under the water. He panicked, turning and thrashing, unsure which was the way back up to the surface. He gulped down a mouthful of the fetid, stinking water.
Jack’s panic was only relieved when a handful of his hair was grabbed and he was pulled to the surface. Jack gulped down as much air as he could until he felt like his lungs would burst. He found himself clinging on to the side of a hexagonal stepping-stone on which the Misery crouched.
“You seemed to be struggling for air under the water,” the Misery observed.
Jack felt that this was rather a strange question. “Well, of course. I couldn’t breathe.”
“Okay, you were probably panicking too much. Sometimes that works, but not this time. We’ll have to keep training.”
Jack didn’t understand what the Misery had said, but decided against asking for clarification.
Jack looked around the room. It was an enormous pool of green water surrounded by green cave walls. Dotted over the surface of the water were a series of hexagonal stepping-stones made of black rock. They varied in size considerably. Jack watched Trudy jumping from stone to stone with the surefootedness of a mountain goat.
&
nbsp; A craggy, black island of stone was placed right in the center of the room. A swirling mist surrounded its edges. Cthulhu was floating in a cross-legged sitting position over the water toward the island.
Jack struggled out of the water and hauled himself up until he was sitting on one of the stepping-stones. He shook his head to try and get the water out of his ears and then looked up at the Misery. “I suppose you think that was funny.”
“Yes,” the Misery agreed. “In the same way that I suppose that shiny disc in the sky at night is the moon. I suppose it because it’s true.”
“There was no point in doing that. You could have warned me.”
The Misery shook his head slowly. “Do you like being wrong? I mean, do you try and achieve wrongness, or is wrongness just thrust upon you?”
Jack was confused again. This time a potent blend of curiosity and frustration made him ask a question. “What are you talking about?”
The Misery sighed. “When you fell in the water—that was training.”
Jack rubbed the side of his face. It stung from where it had struck the water. “Training? Why does all training have to hurt so much with you?”
“Training is learning. Pain is stupidity leaving your body,” the Misery said sternly. “Therefore it’s something of a wonder to me why you aren’t permanently in agony.”
Jack could think of no response to this.
Trudy had stopped nimbly leaping from stone to stone and was standing on one leg on a hexagonal stone beside them. She decided to try and distract the Misery from his tormenting of Jack. “So is this the training, then?”
The Misery turned and looked at Trudy. He said nothing for a few seconds. “You’re smarter than that, Trudy. Why would I be training you to walk across hexagonal stones? Are you expecting to have to pursue someone across some particularly badly made crazy paving?”
“Well, no,” admitted Trudy.
“The stepping-stones are here in case someone wants to come and visit Cthulhu.”
“I thought they looked brand-new,” Jack said, smirking. The Misery scowled at him. Jack stopped smirking immediately. Jack couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to visit Cthulhu. Especially not in a room as unpleasant as this. “Do we have to train in water this dirty? There’s stuff growing in it.”