by Paul Gamble
“Brilliant, Jack. So what’s the plan?” asked Trudy.
Jack suddenly remembered that last night he had promised to come up with a brilliant plan to save the day. “Oh, the plan … yes … well … thing is, I was too busy escaping with Tim here to actually come up with a plan. I mean, we have to destroy the drilling platform and all, but beyond that I haven’t really dreamt anything up.”
Jack was expecting a severely punched shoulder, and he gingerly edged away from Trudy. However, Trudy was so focused on rescuing her mother that she didn’t even have time to get angry. “Right, well, the first thing we need to do is get some kind of explosives.”
“Well, if we could defeat some Atlantean warriors, we could use the bath bombs from the factory.”
“Easy enough,” said Trudy. “Then we need some way of getting them out to the drilling platform without them getting wet.”
“Tim, do you think you could swim out to the platform spinning us a silk thread?” asked Jack.
Tim bobbed his head up and down.
Jack turned to Trudy. “We can use that to make a zip line.”
“Great, then we have everything we need to take these Atlanteans down.”
Jack smiled to himself. “What do you know? I had a plan after all.”
Trudy arched an eyebrow at him. “You had a plan?”
Jack stopped smiling. “We. We had a plan.”
“Let’s go.” Trudy strode off toward the exit from the warehouse with Grey and Tim following.
“Back into the lion’s den, then?” Jack said to no one. Then he ran after the others.
Before opening the door to the warehouse, Trudy turned and spoke to Jack. “Okay, so what are we up against?”
“There are a dozen Atlantean warriors. And I don’t just mean guards, I mean proper warriors. With armor and nasty-looking swords.”
“What do you think?” Trudy asked Grey.
Grey pulled himself up to his full height. “I don’t know. A dozen trained warriors? I’m pretty useful with The Speed myself, but it’s going to be risky.”
“Risky’s fun,” Trudy said. But she didn’t look as though she was thinking of fun at all. Jack felt nervous—if Trudy wasn’t confident about a violent encounter, then he should be very worried indeed.
Trudy reached out for the door handle, but it turned without her touching it. The heroes jumped back and flattened themselves against the wall.
An Atlantean captain walked out and spoke to his troops, who were still inside. Luckily, he kept his back to Jack and his friends. “We’re going to need to mobilize. So start packing up the weapons and bring them out here. The transports to pick them up should be here shortly.” The captain put a wedge under the door, keeping it open, and walked back into the warehouse.
Trudy, Jack, Tim, and Grey quietly sneaked to the far side of the warehouse. Grey stretched and performed a few lunges, using his umbrella like a sword. “Okay then, guys, time to think about something sad.”
Jack sighed and started thinking as hard as he could.
“Wait!” Trudy said. “I think I’ve got a better idea. Maybe we can get the bath bombs without having to fight anyone.”
Jack stared at Trudy with concern. There was something seriously wrong with her if she was suggesting that violence wasn’t the best way to achieve something.
“Grey, do you have any matches?”
Grey found a box in his pocket. “What are you thinking about?”
“Something happened at school today that’s given me an idea,” Trudy smiled.
The Atlantean warriors had been busy. Half a dozen blue plastic containers on wheels had been rolled out into the car park. Three of them contained plastic bags full of bath bombs. “Grey, Tim, I need you to roll these over to the far side of the car park,” Trudy said. Grey and Tim both nodded and started pushing the carts.
“What are we going to do?” asked Jack.
“We’re going to take on the Atlantean warriors,” Trudy explained.
“I was worried you were going to say that.”
For the life of him Jack couldn’t figure out what Trudy’s plan was. They were going up against a dozen soldiers who had probably spent half their lives training at fighting. He didn’t see how two schoolchildren with a matchbox could possibly defeat them.
Trudy walked into the warehouse. Jack reluctantly followed. Luckily, the warriors were all standing thirty feet away at the shelving unit. They were loading more carts full of weapons and bath bombs.
“Hey, guys,” Trudy called.
“That’s a good idea, attract their attention,” Jack muttered to himself.
The Atlantean captain and his guards turned and looked at them. He was slightly confused. “Is that your sister, then? Is she back from the school trip?”
Trudy was confused and turned to Jack for an explanation.
“Don’t ask. They just think I’m Regina Maris’s neighbor’s son. You were on a trip to Russia. And you were my sister as well … apparently.”
“Oh,” said Trudy. “Well, that explains everything.”
The Atlantean captain was clearly beginning to suspect that something was wrong. He drew a vicious-looking sword from its scabbard and began walking toward Jack and Trudy.
Trudy took out the matchbox.
“Trudy, if you’re thinking of burning the factory down, I think we’ll have been sliced up long before that actually works.”
Trudy struck a match and let it burn. A tendril of smoke snaked up to the roof. “I’m not going to burn anything down. Quite the opposite.” Trudy pointed to the roof.
Jack looked up. Trudy was indicating the smoke detectors and sprinkler system that dotted the roof. The tendril of smoke set a detector off, and a siren rang out. “Figured it out yet, Jack?” Trudy asked.
One of the sprinklers popped open, then another and another. It reminded Jack of David and the soap-making carnage.
The Atlantean captain stopped walking and looked upward, his brow wrinkled in confusion.
Jack realized what Trudy’s plan was. “The bath bombs!” The plan was genius, and Jack was a bit miffed that he hadn’t thought of it himself. Of course, because it was a Trudy plan, it was genius and incredibly violent and dangerous all at the same time.
There were still dozens of containers of explosive bath bombs dotted around the warehouse. The sprinklers were now deluging the room with water. The bath bombs started to fizz.
Trudy and Jack looked at each other and spoke at the same time. “RUN!” They had made it halfway across the car park when an enormous explosion sent them sprawling. Grey and Tim ran over and helped them up.
Trudy dusted herself off. “Well, I think that’s the Atlantean army sorted out.”
The factory was burning fiercely but at the same time giving off a delightful aroma. Grey sniffed the air. “Vanilla and honey, I think.”
Jack sniffed. “And maybe a dash of hibiscus?”
Grey, Tim, and Trudy all stared at Jack in disbelief.
“What? I’m beginning to like all these lotions and bath oils, okay?”
Atlantean soldiers were stumbling out of the wreckage and collapsing on the ground. Their weapons and armor were in tatters. Being involved in a massive explosion has a tendency to take the fight out of people.
“You’ve just created the world’s largest scented candle,” Jack said to Trudy.
“This is no time for congratulating ourselves. We’re only halfway home. There’s still the drilling platform to be taken care of,” Grey said.
Trudy agreed with Grey. “And we’ve got to find out where my mother is.”
Jack noticed a speedboat skimming across Lough Neagh. “Look!”
Sitting in the speedboat were three Atlantean warriors and Regina Maris. However, she had changed out of her business suit and was wearing regal armor, dripping with pearls and gems. “The queen of Atlantis,” Jack whispered.
“Let’s get her,” said Trudy.
* * *
MINISTRY OF S.U.I.T.S HANDBOOK
OYSTERS
THE CREATION OF PEARLS
Oysters are a perfect example of a creature who so nearly got it perfectly right. Generally speaking animals don’t want to be eaten. We can’t blame them for this. It is perfectly normal behavior. I would not be keen on being eaten myself.
However, where most animals make a fatal mistake is that they taste very pleasant indeed. Not, however, the clever oyster. The oyster has deliberately gone out of its way to look and taste disgusting.
And yet pride is the oyster’s downfall. If only the oysters had carried on looking and tasting repulsive, human beings would never have bothered them. But oysters figured out a way to create pearls and had to show that off to the world. The only reason people ever started eating oysters was that they were secretly hoping that they would find a pearl. However, not wanting to appear greedy, they pretended that wasn’t what they were doing at all—they just pretended they really loved the taste of oyster.
If you don’t believe this, watch people actually eating oysters. They generally add lemon juice and Tabasco sauce—the kind of flavors you would add only if you were trying to mask the real taste.
* * *
52
THE ZIP LINE
The plan was simple enough to initiate. Tim climbed to the top of a nearby cell tower and tied off a section of silk line. Then he clambered back down and took to the water, trailing the line behind him. Unfortunately, Tim wasn’t the best swimmer and would occasionally forget the order his legs should kick or stroke in. When this happened he would start twirling around like the blade in a blender.
However, he eventually reached his target, climbed up one of the legs of the drilling platform, and tied the silk line off. Tim had created what was possibly the world’s longest zip line. Jack wasn’t keen on using the zip line. He’d been on one before and didn’t really understand why people found them fun, unless of course your idea of fun was mind-numbing terror.
Trudy slung a bag of bath bombs across her shoulder and clambered up the cell phone tower. “This is going to be fun.”
“I certainly wouldn’t say fun,” Jack grumbled, climbing up behind her. “Although I suppose at least if we fall in the water it’ll give us a soft landing.”
Grey brought up the rear. “I’d really try to avoid that. Remember, you’re going to be carrying a bag full of bombs that explode on contact with H2O. So if you do fall into the water, you’re going to find yourself becoming part of the world’s first human fireworks display.”
“Thanks, Grey,” said Jack, “that’s a helpful thing to think about. I’ll just jump onto the zip line as soon as I can stop my hands from shaking.”
Trudy gazed out over the vast expanse of water. “Grey, I suppose the Ministry has managed to capture all the water monsters and sea creatures that used to terrorize ships, haven’t they? I’m slightly worried that the Atlanteans might have a few tricks up their sleeve.”
Grey thought for a minute. “Mostly,” he said.
Trudy winced. “Mostly? That isn’t reassuring. Might we end up fighting the Loch Ness Monster?”
Grey glanced down at his feet, slightly ashamed. “Actually, no one in the Ministry has ever figured out what the Loch Ness Monster really is. So that’s a possibility. The other worry is that we never actually captured the Kraken—although he did seem to stop attacking ships several millennia ago, so we probably don’t have to worry about him.”
Trudy shook her head. “Great, so on top of Atlantean warriors we might be up against aquatic monsters.”
“I can’t be sure,” Jack admitted, “but I’ve got a feeling that if there are any aquatic monsters they might be on our side.”
Grey pursed his lips. “And what makes you think that?”
“I’ll explain later when we have more time.”
Trudy looked with skepticism at Jack. “Then the only thing we have to fear is falling!”
Jack took a deep breath and held his hands out in front of him to see if they’d stopped shaking. Trudy laughed and, using a handstrap that Tim had knitted out of silk, she kicked off from the cell tower. She went hurtling across the sky. The spider-silk zip line was so thin it almost looked as if she were flying.
Jack counted to five and threw himself off the tower with reluctance. The feeling was amazing. His stomach came up into his mouth. He felt terrified and exhilarated at the same time. Halfway across the zip line Jack looked over to the far shore. Standing there was someone who looked as if they had a squid on their head. And they seemed to be dumping buckets full of slithering eels into the water. Jack smiled to himself. It was the last piece of evidence he needed to feel that he had solved another mystery.
Unfortunately, the sight had distracted Jack slightly, and he felt his bag moving on his shoulder. One of the bath bombs slipped out of it and fell to the water below him. The resulting explosion showered him with kelp and lough water. Jack prayed none would get onto the remaining bath bombs. He just managed to hold on to the handstrap by the smallest of margins.
Trudy had already landed by jumping nimbly onto the platform. When Jack reached the end of the zip line, she helped him off. Grey was not far behind them, and Tim caught him easily, using just four legs.
Jack thought that for once everything might go according to plan.102 “So what’s next?” Jack asked Trudy.
“We take the bath bombs and pour them around the drilling platform. With any luck the explosions will cause the platform to fall apart. With no platform, no drill and no sinking Northern Ireland.”
It seemed like as good a plan as any. “Well, there are four of us. One for each corner of the platform…” Jack was interrupted by an imperious and commanding voice.
“I’m afraid that your plans won’t come to fruition. Mainly because you’re going to be lying at the bottom of the sea.” It was Regina Maris, the queen of Atlantis. Jack hated to admit it to himself, but she did look very impressive wearing full royal armor, with blue conch-shell shoulder pads, pearl adornments, and chain mail made from thousands of tiny cowrie shells. At her belt hung a sword that had clearly been fashioned from the long, flexible snout of a swordfish.
While Jack was busy being afraid of the queen, Trudy was more surprised. “You’ve come here to face us alone? I thought the water was supposed to make your brain wrinkle more in order to make you smarter.”
The queen’s nose wrinkled in anger. “It does and it did.”
“Then is there something wrong with your counting? You’re outnumbered four to one.”
“Yes, unfortunately I had to send the royal guard to start the drill working—there’s only fifty more feet before it’s through to the ocean. So they’re in the command room. But I don’t think I’ll need them.”
“Oh, really?” Trudy clenched her fists.
“Of course not. I mean, a large insect, two children, and a middle-aged man in a cheap suit.”
“Children?” Trudy spat the word at the queen and was about to launch herself into battle when Grey tapped her on the shoulder.
“Trudy, I don’t think you can really be annoyed at that. I mean, technically, you are a child.”
“Look…,” said Trudy.
“Now, come on, there’s limited point in arguing over that. You fit right slap-bang into the middle of what is defined as a child.”
Jack had deliberately been avoiding getting involved in the argument, as it seemed as if it had been personal between the queen and Trudy; however, he found himself getting drawn in. “Grey, is this really the time for worrying about precise definitions of what people should be insulted by?”
“Jack, we’re Ministry operatives. Just because we’re in a life-threatening situation doesn’t mean that we have to get sloppy about our definitions. You are most assuredly both children.” Grey paused and took a deep breath before turning toward the queen and scowling. “On the other hand, I do not think that anyone could possibly call this suit cheap.”
Jack wasn�
�t willing to let Grey get away with this. “Wouldn’t that depend on your definition of what is considered cheap?”
Grey fingered a lapel. “I got this from Savile Row, I’ll have you know.”
Jack turned to the queen, who was getting impatient. “What would you call cheap?”
“Are we going to fight each other or…”
Jack tutted. “Please, we’ll get around to the fighting in a minute. There’s always plenty of time for fighting. We just have to establish if you just insulted all of us, some of us, or none of us. Now what would you consider cheap for a set of clothes?”
The queen’s brow furrowed. “I don’t know.”
“Well, what did that suit of armor cost you?”
The queen shook her head. “What a ridiculous question. Human money couldn’t buy this kind of garment. It is handmade by Atlantean craftsmen. The pearls on it alone would be worth tens of millions of pounds.”
Jack turned back to Grey. “See, the queen wears clothes worth tens of millions of pounds. And that’s a suit of armor. So that’s technically what she spends on her work clothes. Imagine what she’d spend if she wanted to get all nicely dressed up.”
“Okay, okay,” Grey conceded. “In that case perhaps she would consider this a cheap suit.”
Jack turned back to the queen. “So you haven’t really insulted anyone.”
A rapid hammering came from behind Jack. He turned to see that Tim was tapping the ground with his legs. Jack was confused, but luckily Grey stepped in to help. “It’s okay; I speak Morse code.”103
Tim rapidly hammered while Grey nodded. Eventually Tim stopped and Grey spoke for him. “Well, what Tim here has pointed out is that she called him an insect and he isn’t an insect. He then said something about thoraxes and stuff, which I didn’t entirely catch—but the main part is that spiders and insects have completely different numbers of legs.”
“Right, good, good,” said Jack as he nodded. “So we’ve learned something there. And as it turns out that the queen did in fact insult one of us, we can fight now.”
The queen narrowed her eyes. “You aren’t taking this seriously, are you?”