He looked so content. So peaceful. He’d been that way when she first proposed the big plan. Lately though, he’d been tense and anxious. Just like the millions of other minions who worked too hard.
She wrote him a quick note and then went out the door.
JOE MAINTAINED a routine of sorts. He’d show up every night at Amanda’s, nothing too early, nothing too late. They’d make love, and then early in the morning, someone would sneak out first. He increased his hours, took some more midnight shifts.
Lots of things were not talked about. Conversation stayed on innocent subjects—art, the pending settlement in Vincent’s case.
At some point in time they were going to have to talk, but for now Joe spent most of his waking hours at work. Which was good, because the less he thought of Amanda’s turbo-charged success, the better he felt.
By late September, Joe had become quite good at avoiding serious conversations with Amanda. But that didn’t stop Avery. Joe had met up with him at Blue Velvet. Avery was becoming a regular; he seemed to really like it. Joe barely had time to eat nowadays, but tonight was Avery’s birthday.
“I haven’t seen Amanda recently. Why don’t we all go to dinner?”
Joe grabbed a handful of pretzels. He’d worked through lunch and he was starving. “Can’t. Gotta work.”
Avery looked around the bar, the healthy sign of a guy scoping the place out. “Why?”
“I’m thinking of taking Amanda to the Caribbean. I think it’d be good for her to get away for awhile.”
Avery didn’t even raise an eyebrow. “How are the lessons going?”
That he loved. For a couple hours a week he could fly in the heavens and feel like he was on top of the world. These days it seemed like that was the only time he ever felt on top of the world. And he knew that was wrong. He knew that wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. “Pretty good. I should have my license middle of next year. Found a co-op in the city, too.”
“You’re doing very well.”
“Yeah, it’s time I grew up.” Joe’s hand drummed on the table, as he searched for the waitress. “I’ve been thinking about going to school. You think I could be a broker?”
“Did Amanda ask you to do this?”
He really needed some coffee. “No, but I’m getting kinda tired of working at the airport. It gets old. I want to do something new.”
“You’re very determined to make this work, aren’t you?”
He was going to make it work, no matter what, no matter what. If he kept repeating it to himself, maybe it would all work out. But most days he worried because he just couldn’t keep up with her.
Finally the waitress appeared. Joe ordered a cup of coffee and smiled. “I learned it from you.”
ON OCTOBER 15th, at exactly 2:14 p.m., Amanda watched, quite pleased with herself, as Vincent D’Antoni signed the settlement papers. He’d be set for life, Clean-All would quietly contact all the airlines who used their products in the mid-eighties, and the rest of the Vincent D’Antoni’s of the world would finally see justice.
By 4:15, the entire law firm of Brown, Powers and McGlynn was happily ensconced in the lobby bar at the Waldorf-Astoria. Powers proposed a toast, with a rousing round of “hear, hear” echoing all around. For Amanda, if was a nice victory—she just wished Joe had been able to make it.
Once the congratulations had quieted down, Powers pulled Amanda aside. This was it.
She adjusted her jacket, and wished she’d worn something a little more professional than the forest-green suit.
“Amanda, you know you’ve been considered for partner for some time.”
Yep, here it comes. Amanda smiled. “Yes, sir. You’ve made that quite obvious.”
“Well, this case has far exceeded our expectations—the publicity we’ll receive, the potential for future litigation. The partnership is yours if you’d like it.”
Partner. Just what she’d waited so long to hear. She waited for the zing of accomplishment, the surge of power she’d feel from being partner. After feeling nothing, she waited a little longer, sure that a tidal wave of success was going to overwhelm her at any moment.
No tidal wave. No nothing.
“Now of course you’ll have an equity stake, and we’d hope that you’d be able to bring in some new business for the firm, but that takes time.”
It all sounded very exciting, but Amanda had one thing on her mind. “Edward, may I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“It’s about my schedule. I don’t know that I can put in any more time.” As it was, she didn’t spend enough time with Joe. She wasn’t willing to give up any more.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ve seen too many lawyers suffering from burnout, and I don’t want to see that happen to you. You’ve been carrying a huge case load, Amanda. I’ve already talked to the others and we’ll be hiring several new legal assistants. One of them is yours. It’ll mean fewer hours for you.”
Fewer hours. She couldn’t believe it. He actually wanted her to work less. But she wasn’t willing to gamble with Joe. “You mean that?”
He nodded.
She wanted to throw her arms around his neck, but that wouldn’t do at all. Instead, she wrung his hand, until he got embarrassed and cleared his throat and she realized what she was doing. “In that case, you’ve got a deal.”
“Partner,” she said to herself, testing the word out on her tongue.
When she turned around, there was Joe.
And now the day was perfect.
IT WAS AFTER dark before they made it home. Joe picked up some orchids on the way. It seemed fitting for the occasion. After all, it wasn’t every day that his girl made partner.
In her apartment she walked with a cocky swagger. “Can you believe it?”
“I didn’t doubt it for a minute,” he said, which was absolutely the truth. Whatever she put her mind to, she did. Whatever she wanted, she worked until she got it. And all that seemed to make her happy.
It was the happy part that he didn’t understand.
“I couldn’t have done this without you,” she said, throwing her arms around his neck.
“You’re kidding yourself.”
“No, I’m serious. Do you know how much I love you?”
“Why don’t you show me?” he asked, slipping easily into Incredible Lover Joe persona.
She made love to him the way she did everything. Absolutely perfectly. When he was inside her, he forgot that he wasn’t happy being anything but an airline mechanic. He forgot that he didn’t want to be a broker on Wall Street. He forgot everything but her.
It was a long while later, when she was drifting off to sleep that he brushed a kiss against her hair. He whispered a quiet, “I love you” in her ear, and this time he wrote a short note for her to find.
I love you, but I can’t be with you anymore. I’m sorry, I really did try. For you, I would have done anything. But still I don’t think it would ever have been enough.
It wasn’t easy, but Joe had been kidding himself. He couldn’t compete with her. It was beyond stupid to even try. He twisted and angled to turn himself into something that he wasn’t, and tonight as she stood there, glowing with all her success, he realized there was absolutely nothing more he could do.
He didn’t want to hurt her, but the man she was in love with wasn’t him. She’d figure that out soon enough and then where would they be? Once again, he’d be Joe the disappointment.
Joe was out of options.
He left an orchid on top of the note and took one last look. Moonbeams shone on her satin sheets, as if even the heavens adored her. His heart withered inside his chest. Time to go. And so he left, leaving her and the moonbeams behind.
AMANDA WOKE, and reached out for Joe. Empty. She sniffed, waiting for the aroma of Eggs Benedict to tickle her nose. Nothing. Well, this didn’t look good. Frowning, she climbed out of bed and wandered into the living room and the kitchen. Nothing.
&nb
sp; She went back into the bedroom and then she saw the note. As she read, her smile faded. She sank back into bed and curled into a ball. Two hours passed before she was able to make it to the phone.
She dialed the one person in the world who had never let her down. “Hi, Mom. It’s Amanda. Guess what? Got some good news and some bad news…” That was all she could say before she started to cry.
ON SUNDAY she was ready to confront him. He had said he loved her. They could do anything if they loved each other. Love conquered all. Love is blind. A thousand trite phrases all spun in her head.
When she rang his bell, she had her speech all ready.
Joe opened the door. “Hey.”
One simple word of greeting and her prepared speech suddenly didn’t feel right. “Hey.”
They both went inside and he nodded his head in the direction of the couch. Quietly she sat. It was the first time she’d been back to his apartment since the night they’d watched the movie. That was a lifetime ago.
She tried to smile at him, but he watched her with such a solemn look in his eyes that she couldn’t. “Don’t you think you should have talked to me about this?”
Joe slumped in his chair. he looked so tired. “It’s my issue. I thought I could fix it. I was wrong.”
“And what is the issue?”
He was silent for long moments, and finally he spoke. “I should be happy for you. I want to be happy for you. But I can’t. I can’t keep up and it’s tearing me apart.”
“You don’t have to compete with me, Joe.”
Today his eyes didn’t gleam at all, instead they were dull with sadness. “I didn’t compete with Avery. It took me some time to realize that, but then I found my little piece of life that I was happy with. That I was good at. I had kinda resigned myself to it, but then I met you. I wanted to be more for you.”
She sat forward, willing him to understand. “You don’t have to do that. Not for me. I love you like you are, Joe.”
The pain in his eyes brought tears to her own.
“Do you? What if some other guy comes along? Maybe he’s a little more successful than me. Another lawyer. A doctor. Do I get compared to him?”
“There’s only one of you, Joe. I can’t compare you to anyone.”
“But I do.” He ground the heel of his hand against his head. “I’m so sorry about this. I didn’t want to hurt you. I thought we could keep things simple.”
“You were wrong.”
“That’s nothing new.”
“Can’t you go back to the way you were?”
“Yeah, sure. For a while. But jealousy is a shrewd demon. It comes back around just when you least expect it.”
She’d never had a case she thought she couldn’t win. Never a challenge she wasn’t up for. And sitting across from her was her biggest challenge, her heart. And she couldn’t do a damn thing. “I love you.”
His mouth twisted. “I love you, too. I didn’t want to tell you. At first I was scared. And then later I realized why lawyers don’t marry airline mechanics.”
There was one thing she could do. “What if I gave it up? I don’t have to be partner.”
He stood and then paced around the room. “Amanda, don’t do that.”
“You mean more to me than being partner.”
Joe started to laugh. “God, this is rich. You’re going to turn down every lousy good thing in your life, just so I can feel better about myself.”
“I don’t want to live without you.”
“I don’t want to live without you, either. But Amanda I want to be happy for you. I want to celebrate with you when you take on the world, and I can’t do that. I thought I could get my pilot’s license or maybe go back to school, and everything would be fine, but you know what? All I’ve done is make myself miserable.”
“This is it, isn’t it?”
“I think so.”
She stood, not wanting to cry. “Goodbye, Joe.”
He stuck his hands in his pockets and walked her to the door. She wanted to touch him. One last kiss, one last embrace. But he had put up barriers that she couldn’t break.
As he closed the door behind her, she heard him say, “I’ll see you on 60 Minutes.”
AMANDA RETURNED to her old routine. She got up every morning at 4:30. When she couldn’t sleep, she’d work on her computer at home. She was the pride and joy of Brown, Powers, and McGlynn. The Northcott case was winding down and another fat recovery was in the offing.
Now she didn’t care.
Her nails were perfectly manicured—all ten of them. Her desk was spotless, perfectly organized. She found comfort in order.
Although there were things she allowed. She kept her apartment red. Someday she would change it, but for now Flambeau Red suited her.
She liked reading Harry Potter. She could hear Joe’s voice reading to her. Sometimes it made her cry, but eventually the tears dried up.
NOVEMBER WENT BY in a haze. Joe still worked the extra hours. At first he had cut back, wanted to go back to his old ways, his old contentment, but after two weeks he realized that wasn’t going to happen. Work made it easier to get through the days, but the nights were pretty much hell.
Late one night, he rounded the corner to his apartment building, and spotted Vincent and Bernie sitting on the stoop.
“Good evening, Joseph!” Vincent was wearing a purple smoking jacket and holding an unlit pipe in his hand.
“Nice duds.”
Vincent beamed. “Why thank you, my good man.”
“You’re mighty peppy this evening,” Joe said, fishing in his pocket for his keys.
“Got my first recovery check today. I’ve been thinking of moving. Perhaps a condo in Queens.”
“I hear it’s nice.”
Bernie snorted. “Maybe, if you like those snobbish types.”
Vincent twirled his pipe in the air. “I owe all this to Amanda, Joe. Where’s she been? She’s a real go-getter, your girl.”
Joe wasn’t going to answer that, so he forced a tired smile. “Yeah, she is.”
TWO DAYS LATER he met Avery at his office before they went for dinner.
“Joe, you’re turning into a recluse.”
“Gee, I’ll try harder.”
“Now see, that’s just what I mean. You have to get over her.”
Joe shot him a look. “And you’re the expert, right?”
“I’ve moved on.”
Joe sometimes wondered. “Have you?”
“Of course I have, but twenty-year habits are difficult to break.”
“Well, I’m going to move on, too. I’ll find somebody new, settle down, maybe take up bowling.”
Avery shook his head. “I must say that’s the biggest pile of—” His cell phone rang and he pulled it out of his pocket. “Yes, Mother.
“Of course. I have it in my car.
“Well, I suppose so, but I’m going out with Joe.
“Yes, we’re off to dine.
“Yes, yes, I understand. We’ll be right there.”
He put the phone back in his pocket. “She needs the new incense from the American Feng Shui Institute. Apparently it’s quite hard to come by.”
Joe was thrilled. “I have to come in with you?”
“She said she hasn’t seen you in ages.”
He looked straight ahead. Seeing Mom didn’t make him nervous anymore. He’d been through worse and was still alive. Now he was just numb. “Let’s go.”
THE HOUSE was the same, his Mom was the same.
“Joseph Matthias Barrington!”
“Hi Mom.” He hugged her, a little tighter than usual.
“How have you been? Come sit down.”
She led the way to the living room. “You’ve lost weight? Something to drink?”
“No thanks.”
He took stock of the room, it hadn’t changed in the past ten years. Oh, maybe there were a few new pictures of Avery on the shrine. He walked over and started to count. Avery at graduation. Avery fishin
g on the coast. Avery…
And there were some new ones.
Of Joe.
Joe at Coney Island. Joe at the park. Joe in Amanda’s living room. He was smiling, all happy. Love did that to you. It seemed like a lifetime ago, and it’d only been two months. Somewhere along the way he had lost his life and lost Amanda as well.
“Mom!”
“I’m right here, you don’t have to shout.”
He stared at himself at Coney Island. He’d been looking at her when the photographer shot the picture. It was frightening to see so much love in his eyes. “Where’d you get these?”
His mom moved next to him. “Can’t you guess? From Amanda. Such a sweet girl.”
Amanda must have emptied out her shelves after the big split. One final painful reminder that they had no future. “When did you see her last?”
“Oh, it’s been ages now. She brought these over right after you two started seeing each other.”
His mom had to be wrong. Amanda wouldn’t have brought them over here. “Are you sure it wasn’t more recent than that?”
“Well, of course I’m sure. I had to buy picture hangers because we were all out, and then as I was getting ready to pay, I ran into Lorraine Ellsworth, and her daughter was with her. She looked ready to deliver that very day, she was so pregnant, and little Frank is…well, he must be about two months old by now. It was September, I’m certain.”
He stared up at the wall. There he was. Right next to Avery. Never second place. Not with Amanda. “Are you sure?”
“Of course. I’m not that old, son.”
His heart pumped with hope. Amanda had done that for him. He really had messed up. Maybe it wasn’t too late.
“I love you, Mom.” He hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.
“I love you, too, Joe.” She followed him to the door. “Where are you going?”
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