Dead Stars

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Dead Stars Page 36

by Bruce Wagner


  Tom-Tom knew she’d win, in the end, & bend the loosers to her will.

  . . .

  She did her homework, heartened by what she learned.

  Ooh Baby Baby It’s A Wild World Films was run by Brando Brainard. BB was a party boy cum producer, bankrolled by his father. She thought it commendable he’d resisted 24/7 agency gangbang invites, all clamoring to rep. He used his dad’s lawyers instead. When asked about that, Brainard said on http://www.a-billion-dollars-is-cool/interview/brando-brainard.html that he took his lead from Spielberg, who apocryphally operated without an agent for years.

  Apparently (with the emphasis on parent), there was a lot of money there. Brando kept similar company cause it’s lonely at the top. He hung with the son and daughter of Larry Ellison, the $50 billion oracular man. David & Megan Ellison each had their own company, Skydance Prods and Annapurna Pictures respectively. The boy was 28 and raised $350 million the year before; the chick was 25, rode horses & Harleys and worked out of a $14 million home bought with a loan from Daddy’s Octopus Holdings (“octopus” sounded about right). It sucked not to be the Ellison kids. The key difference between them and Brando was that while Brando Brainard’s father, or his money anyway, was the gorilla in the room nobody seemed to be able to find the gorilla. Bertram Brainard was a recluse, an inventor with over a thousand patents to his name from medical devices to ideas. Tom-Tom thought it was very cool that a person could patent an idea. She crawled the websighs, servered the Clouds, & surf Safari’d, resulting in the provocatively useless knowledge that Brainard Senior was the wiz who came up with the 3-number security code on the back of credit cards. Which wouldn’t have been notable in itself, had it not been for the part about the information highway robbery allowing him to collect royalties on his innovative capitalistic tool for 15 years after the established copyright. Tom-Tom dragged, doubleclicked, triple beam surfed & snorted in an attempt to find out what royalties, and from who. As it turned out, the money gratefully poured forth from slaphappy banks & merchants who saved trillions in fraud. (She couldn’t find a $ amount re Warlock Brainard’s remuneration.) Another one of his frightening ideas was the concept of/technology behind those scary-cheap 7Eleven-type plastic bags made in Myanmar by dying 6-year-olds, bags so thin they just met the technical definition of “bag”—it’s hard to open them even if you’re at the right end, that’s because of their molecular structure, each time you tussle you’re almost certain the cashier handed you a defective single sheet. Finally you peel it back, & unless you triple-bag it, the freak plastic’s built-in genetic design code virtually commands it to tear open just as you’re getting in the car. The bags somehow left one feeling disempowered, even spiritually bereft, yet were now in 83% of national convenient marts, shaving hundreds of millies off the stronger still-crap bags being used before. www.wikicorpsleak.com said Brainard’s attorneys were warlock geniuses themselves, as inspired & militant in finding arcane ways to trademark ideas as were the legendary tax-dodge lobbyist shysters hired by G.E. . . . Brainard’s men were pioneers of idea patenting, a relatively new area originally perceived by many as likely having the ½life of an ostrich blink. So far, no lawmakers had overturned it.

  Larry Ellison always hovered in the Forbes Top 10 list of world billionaires (out of 500), while Bertram Brainard fluctuated in the hi-lo teens. Tom-Tom thought it was funny that both men’s sons wanted not just to produce but to act, she admired them for that too, thought it kinda ballsy. More clicking & webdrowsy dowsing revealed that Ellison Jr had planned to make a flyboy flick with Taylor Lautner, he was going to give that wolfboy-faggot seven-point-five milli, but when Lautner found out his boss planned to costar, he walked—which pissed Tom-Tom off because the punk hadn’t earned the right to such rude behavior (not that anyone ever has the right, but a guru using rudeness as a teaching tool is always welcome, and wolfboy aint no guru), he was acting like he was Kevin frickin Spacey when the frickin reality is you’re just a neanderthal muscle-cunt who got lucky, no difference between you and the guy who picks up a mistakenly thrownaway winning lotto ticket while bending down to bag his dog’s diarrhea. And Brando was going to pay Mila Kunis five million to be his love interest in a rags-to-rich-bitches lark called The Ferrari Kid, “from an idea by Biggie Brainard”—Dame Kunis walked too, the ol conflict in schedule. What bothered Tom-Tom the most was it’d been made clear to the hacktress from the beginning that her boss wanted to co-drive the vehicle (http://www.starpoopscoops.com) . . . what part of playing a sidekickwhore to Natalie Portman makes you think you’re Helen Mirren?

  TT did her ritualistic thing where she got down with the Tarots & called money, in the Year of the Moneybags she called $$$$$ and the s and the spirits to fiduciarily bless her good works-to-come with untold bounty. She pounded H & nodded out in front of the http://www.celebritynetworth.com-displayed screen, just chilled a while like that, everything perfect, skagged feeling perfect now, even thinking the cameras can show me slamming, cause that’s me, Bad News needs to show the warts the good times & the bad times maybe get a new butt buy one like Coco & Tahiri&Amber Rose . . . . . . . . still tho it was bothering her, not a lot but a little, that, try as she may, she hadn’t yet arrived at that unified theme, like, what would she tell the networks was the big idea behind her Big Idea when they asked that kind of shit which they always do, she knew she could make a house full of (former) wannabe-wannabes work but before anybody commits to freakin monetizing they want to pick it apart, not like dumbcunt Crystal Lightweight, but in really smart ways, they knew how to pick shit apart, they messed with your head until they wore you down & even you started thinking your idea was so loser. Tom-Tom worried that she needed a fallback when whatever entity she was pitching to threw that fucked-up But what’s it really about? curve in there, you know There needs to be a unifying goal, it’s good that they want to be famous but for what, if it’s just fame WE DON’T THINK THAT’S ENOUGH you know the Jews never made it easy on you, that was their frickin job, that’s why they were put on the planet, you always needed to be a few steps ahead, to make you step up your game, if they threw something at you you better catch it & throw it back PDQ or they’ll see you as weak. The Jews lived to watch you burn.

  So on the couch Tom-Tom not nodding just gauzy smoking blunt/Jack D crunkin the war between her and the Jews, back & forth, it not being enough, her shit like not being patricia or enough, & it being OK you know it’s just loosers striving for whatever, fame or normalcy or both together, just striving not to be loosers, same way a fool on Celebrity Rehab strives for sobriety—no one would say trying to get/stay sober wasn’t enough—you know it’s all about the personalities & enmeshments anyhow, that’s the fuckin Big Idea, Hymie, the funny funky drama that hooks you, the frickin dramedy, like don’t get all hung up on the grand fucking unified theme, she went back & forth like that thinking it/she was enough, & the other, that anxiety-causing crazymaking still unformed hypothetical rejoinder to the kikey producers’ pigheaded insistence on a unified field, a Unifying Fucking Purpose, some endgame goal she was tripping on that she/everyone would need to reach—no no no, it was all good, it would all work, it was all perfect, EVERYTHING would work, the future was the past the past was prologue the child was father to the man of the future perfect which was all contained in the NOW, the show had already frickin happened, that’s what she’d already read in the s, she was already the head of a burgeoning empire, all perfect, another little bump to get the energy to call forth a few more $$$$ . . . . . . . . . back to the internet, googling sundry reality players, it said Snooki only had $3 million which was a lot less than Tom-Tom thought, maybe they didn’t update the site yet in terms of endorsement bootie, though actually maybe the conservative estimates were probably more accurate, they did say she was making $33,000 an episode, Audrina had $12 million, holyshit you’re fucking Audrina and you have twelve million fucking dollars how did that happen, Kelly Clarke had $24 million ohhhhhhhh she didn’t even want to look up Carrie Underwood but s
he couldn’t resist checking Adam Lambert, oh oh oh he had $5 million, okay that’s enough with the false Idols—fucking Omarosa had ONE POINT FIVE . . . milli————may as well get lost in KardashianWorld, Kim only made forty an episode, that’s what it said, she only had $35 million, Tom-Tom thought it’d be a lot higher tho the $$$$ pour in so fast for the Kardashes that it’s probably hard for a site to keep up keeping up with the Kardashian’s money anyway, that had to be wrong because Tom-Tom read that Kim was buying back her sextape for $30 million, their mom was an amazing businesswoman she would never allow Kim to spend all of her fortune that way plus the wedding alone cost $15 million, the divorce prolly netted 3 times that in PR, it said Kourtney & Khloé made twenty thousand an episode & each had four milli, that can’t be right someone really needs to update this shit Tom-Tom thought she could reach 4 milli pretty fast, 4 milli seemed a reasonable short-term goal, Kris Jenner had $20 million which again needed to be seriously updated but that was only right, she’s the mom, it was her pussy they clawed their way out of, she was the one who changed their diapies and took their shit hahahaahah! the son Rob was a real looser, maybe a good catch for Bad News Bears, even Rob Kardashian Senior had $3 million & he was fuckin dead!!!!! For some people the $$$$$ just keep raining down no matter what, even that sick fuck Scott Disick, who should have been taken into a basement & raped & tortured for stuffing money in that waiter’s mouth, never treat food servers with anything less than total respect, that’s how you take the measure of a man, the way he treats his mother & the way he treats servers, even that peacocking parasitical scarlet pimpernel FAIL Scott Disick had $2,000,000 USD networth——————& Olympian daddy Bruce had one hundred million in the bank, she wondered where they got that number, she hoped it was a hundred milli because that was fair too, he worked hard for it, plus he never lost his humility, he was a kind man, when she first started watching the show Tom-Tom h8ted on him because he looked like a tranny but now she knew he was going to be one of her heroes & guiding lights from her own Mount Olympus . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

  . . . . . . . . . . she typed in Brando Brainard net worth , the computer was sluggish, probably needed to RESTART but then the screen hiccups & she clicks on http://www.celebritynetworth.com/category/richestbusinessmen/richest-billionaires/brando-brainard-net-worth/ and there it is: THREE POINT EIGHT BILLION DOLLARS USD*!!!!!!!!!!! (*INHERITANCE)——& with a little more fucking around she finds the press release:

  Brando Brainard, CEO & Creative Head of Ooh Baby Baby Films, announced that Keira “Tommie” Thompson will be the new President & Head of Development of the company’s two new television divisions, Hard To Get By Television and Just Upon A Smile TV. Brainard said Hard To Get By will focus on limited premium cable fare, while Just Upon A Smile will generate network and cable product, which includes reality and scripted reality programming. Thompson left SONY Pictures Television, where she was President & Head of Development for eight years. Before that she worked for Bernie Brillstein at Brillstein-Grey Entertainment.

  Tommie Thompson . . . Tom Tom . . . Tom Tom Tommie . . . Thompson . . . ThomThom Tommie . . . Tom-Tom Tommie . . . Thompson Thompson---------

  . . . everything was making sense. Coming full circle. Thus it was written . . . in the s and the starz channel.

  She’d make her move as soon as Rikki was cast.

  She Google imaged Keira: fuckin hottie . . . . . . . . .

  Just Upon A Smile TV—future home of Bad News Bears!

  It all felt so right that she felt like goofin, & typed it out. Made her own little hyperlink fuck it’d already happened anyway right? just to try it on for size & see what she could see:

  http://www.celebritynetworth/richest-celebrities/tom-tom-hit-pop-singer-and-reality-star-BadNewsBears-net-worth/

  YES.

  She fell out.

  CLEAN

  [Reeyonna&Rikki]

  I Had A Vision of Love

  ReeRee

  booked a table 10 days in advance but they still had to wait a ½hour to be seated, which was OK because she loved to peoplewatch. She’d asked for one of the garden patio banquettes with silk pillows that yelp.com recommended, but the woman on the phone said those were all reserved. The woman also seemed to be pressing her to make her reservation online but Reeyonna liked connecting with a human voice.

  They parked a few blocks away because it was hard for her to look elegant getting off a motorcycle plus she didn’t like the judgment in people’s eyes that she was a bad mom-to-be for riding one in the first place. (She did have a cool pink helmet though, which Rikki locked to the bike.) Reeyonna thought she would have been less self-conscious if it was a Harley because a pregnant gal on a Harley made kind of a bold, fun statement that people were more likely to accept as not being reckless. But the kawasaki was small & old, and the gas tank was dented.

  ReeRee had the whole evening planned. After dinner they were going to stroll to Millions of Milkshakes. She didn’t care that racist h8trs on urbanspoon said the servers were rude & poorly groomed; she watched Kim Kardashian & her mom open the Millions of Milkshakes in Dubai online, which was pretty amazing, and wanted to try a Kim Kardashian shake.

  The hostess led them to a beautifully set table with fresh-cut flowers & candles, unlit as yet because it was still light out, and because she was peeing so much (her 7th month) it was actually really convenient to be next to the bathroom. She told Rikki that the “restauranteur”-owner was actually one of the real housewives of Beverly Hills, then wondered aloud if Lisa Vanderpump would be there tonight. Reeyonna skipped lunch to be extra hungry—5PM was the only time Sur had a free slot, and she guessed that was why the crowd looked older. Paparazzi weren’t even there yet.

  She felt rich. The pawnshop gave her $2,100 for probably $30,000 worth of cameras and equipment, maybe more (ask me if I care), in crisp one-hundreds. They hadn’t done anything fancy or fun since she stopped living at home & Reeyonna decided to treat them to Sur. The JustSpotted app on her android was always telling her people like Lisa Collins and Heather Morris and Kevin Dillon and Sharon Stone & Chaz Bono were having lunch or dinner here & she had a file of vids too of Hayden & Paz and Emmy Ros. & Miley and Selena all leaving Sur at different times (www.x17video.com/celebrityvideo/). She really hoped she would see someone famous tonight as kind of a reward for all the hard times she/they’d been having. (Right after they ordered, her phone said Britney was leaving a movie theater with her kids at the Malibu Lumberyard, Julia Stiles was filming in Barstow and justspotted leaving a Starbucks there, & Shia LaBeouf was entering a steakhouse across the street from the Standard in New York City’s glamorous meatpacking district.) Still, Reeyonna wasn’t raising her hopes too high because when she made the reservation she was told they could seat them at 5 as long as they could be out by 630, it almost sounded like they would have to sign a contract when they got there. ReeRee knew that celebrities generally didn’t eat until at least nine or 10, at least not younger ones.

  She decided none of it really mattered because for the 1st time since leaving home, Reeyonna felt like a human being. They did some MDMA & went shopping before their early dinner. ReeRee bought herself a stunning dress from Ovum, the Kardashian’s new maternity line, and really did feel JustSpotted redcarpet glamorous. (She got Rikki an amazing beautiful shirt from Kitson, & jeans from 7For All Mankind.) She always wanted to own a pair of Louboutins and last week found a barely pre-walked pair online for $165. She wore bangles and nugget earrings from Belle Noel, Kim’s jewelry collection, with lots of beauty products knocking around in her purse, selecting what People said Kim and HeMo and Rachel Bilson had in theirs—FusionBeauty Lip Plump Color Shine in Flirt, Dior Style Liner liquid liner in Black, Motives pressed eyeshadow in Toast, Joico Flexible Shaping Spray & Joico hairspray. Getting rid of those cameras made her feel better too, like she had cut off another dead piece of her mother that was weighing her down.

 

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