“Oh, God,” Hannah said, and put her hands to her mouth.
“We’d been trying for several months, and had kind of thought it wasn’t going to happen without some kind of medical intervention, if at all. But then Colin died and—it was the damnedest thing,” she said, and shook her head. “Just what we wanted—but there was no we anymore,” Lila said in a cracking voice.
Hannah gripped one of Lila’s hands as the tale came out. “You don’t need to tell me anymore, really,” Hannah insisted.
“No, let me, please,” Lila pleaded. “It’s been so long since I talked about it, and I’m glad to share it if it helps you. And I think what I learned will help you.”
“How?”
“Two reasons. First, I’m going to remind you that still have your husband. Kyle will be there for you, to help and support you,” Lila said. “And it means you can keep trying, right?” she said, and squeezed Hannah’s hand.
“Yes, I guess,” Hannah agreed weakly. “But I’m not exactly a spring chicken. We’re running out of time.”
“So that means time’s not up,” Lila said decisively. “But my point is that you have him, and you need him right now. You need each other, so lean on each other.”
“What’s the other reason?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It wasn’t you. It wasn’t your fault. Nothing you did caused this, so don’t feel guilty. Stop looking for reasons to blame yourself.”
Hannah’s eyes widened in recognition of Lila’s warning. “I keep thinking it’s the thing I ate, or the vitamin I forgot to take, or the time I bumped into something or—whatever,” Hannah said, and waved a hand in the air. “Anything to make sense of this,” Hannah said sadly.
“It’s not what you did or didn’t do,” Lila assured her. “I went through all that, too—I thought it was me. Because—because—” Lila stuttered, and had to stop and take a deep breath before continuing. “Because when I first found out, I was so angry. I was angry at the universe for putting me in that position. Widowed and just found out I was pregnant. My parents were gone, too. How could I do it alone? I was crushed, exhausted, abandoned. I felt like I had no one except Kyle. He took me to the hospital, in fact. But I couldn’t ask a cousin to help me raise a child. And I thought that I couldn’t do it—and I—I actually thought about not having it, I’m ashamed to admit. But that lasted like half a minute and I came to my senses. Then—two days later, I miscarried. And of course I blamed myself—for even thinking the thought of not doing it, kicking myself for that, for losing hope.”
“That’s crazy to blame yourself like that.”
“I know,” Lila said in a low voice, nodding.
“When did you stop blaming yourself?” Hannah asked. “Or does it ever stop?”
“I guess it’s not so much blaming yourself as forgiving yourself. Because it’s hard to essentially stop thinking something, no matter how irrational or crazy it is. So that thought always nags at me. But I did manage somehow to forgive myself.”
“How?”
“Because it hurt too much to hold onto the grief or the grudge I held against myself. I was making myself miserable…” Lila said slowly, “…for no good reason.”
Lila stared open-mouthed at the floor, and her awareness of Hannah’s presence faded away.
How was it she could forgive herself for thinking something she considered so very horrible in the depths of blinding, debilitating misery—but she couldn’t do the same when it came to Bo for something not nearly as bad?
“Thank you for sharing that with me,” Hannah said, and Lila returned her attention to her friend. “I’m sorry you went through all that.”
“And I wish you weren’t going through this right now,” Lila said, and hugged Hannah. Lila heard the wind outside and the lights flickered.
“Great,” Hannah muttered. “Hope the lights don’t go out.”
“I had no idea that this weather was predicted for today,” Lila said, and got up off the bed and went to a north-facing window. Nothing was visible except the headlights of a few distant cars as they snaked south toward Bourbon Springs on Ashbrooke Pike. “When I was in town today, the weather wasn’t great, but certainly nothing like we’re getting now.” Lila moved away from the window and stood beside Hannah’s bed. “And I ran into Bo in town today. He said he was there to meet with Harriet Hensley about Emma’s estate.”
“How’d that encounter go?” Hannah asked, and told Lila to pull up a nearby chair. Hannah put her head down on her pillow and rested on her right side, but kept her eyes open and focused on her visitor.
“Not bad, but not great,” Lila said, and moved a chair to the bedside and sat.
“He’s miserable, you know,” Hannah said.
“I know, he told me.”
“And so are you.”
“Yep,” Lila freely acknowledged. “Is it true that he’s thinking about leaving?”
“Where’d you hear that?”
“Guess.”
“CiCi?” Lila nodded, and Hannah laughed. “Bo’s been spouting off about leaving, yeah,” Hannah told her. “I’m not sure how much I believe him. But I will tell you that I’ve never heard him even mention the idea of leaving until recently. Until you two broke up.”
“He wouldn’t really leave, would he?” Lila asked.
“Why does it matter so much to you?” Hannah asked. “And if you tell me it’s because it would be bad for the business, I’m gonna throw you out of my room right now!” she said, and laughed.
“You got me. I wouldn’t want to see him leave. Especially if he were so sad.”
“Look, it sounds like you two didn’t end up screaming at each other today before parting, so I think that’s probably a good sign. But you need to talk to him again. Give him a future or give him closure. Clear the air, walk away, whatever you need to do. I’m actually surprised that he talked to you today because I know he’s been terrified to try to contact you. He’s been afraid that you’ll turn him away forever. It’s only been some sick version of hope that’s been keeping him this way, I guess.”
Lila immediately felt guilty. In the parking lot today, she’d only extended Bo’s misery. She’d been right to caution him against false hope. But by not cutting him loose forever, she’d strung him along.
And at that moment she knew that’s what she didn’t want to do. That’s why she hadn’t told him to go away.
Kyle appeared with a bed tray laden with food for Hannah, and Lila knew it was time to go. She pushed the chair back to the corner as Kyle delivered the tray and received a grateful kiss on the cheek from his wife.
“Damn,” he muttered, “forgot your ginger ale. I’ll be right back.”
Hannah stared at the tray.
“Eat, you need, it,” Lila instructed.
“Will it make me feel better?” Hannah asked hopefully.
“Not really, but you look like crap and you need some food in your belly,” Lila said.
Feeling the time to leave drawing near, Lila moved closer to the bed to give Hannah a hug, but her foot kicked the box of tissues under the bed. Lila bent to retrieve the box and put her hand under the bed, where it touched something hard, cold, and metallic. She grabbed at the object and from beneath the bed pulled out a pair of handcuffs and, before thinking the better of it, held them up for her own astonished inspection.
Upon Lila’s discovery, Hannah dropped her piece of toast, her mouth fell open, and she turned deep red. Lila held the handcuffs gingerly, as though they were some kind of alien, metallic crab that could pinch, and dropped them on the bed.
“Um—I found these under the bed…” Lila said, and blushed.
Hannah’s eyes about fell out of their sockets when the handcuffs landed on the comforter.
“Oops,” Hannah whispered, and started to giggle.
Then Lila started laughing and soon the two women were both laughing so hard that tears were streaming down their faces.
“What’s so funny in here?”
Kyle said as he entered the room with Hannah’s glass of ginger ale.
Hannah snatched the handcuffs and slipped them under the covers before Kyle saw them.
“Um—girl talk,” Hannah said, still giggling.
“Right,” Kyle said, and put Hannah’s drink on her tray. He gave his wife a suspicious look and then turned his gaze on his cousin.
Lila pressed her lips together hard so as not to laugh. Her whole image of Kyle had just changed forever.
“Do I need to leave the room?” Kyle asked. Both Hannah and Lila were still suppressing laughter, and both looked about to burst from a combination of amusement and embarrassment.
“No,” Lila said, “I should be going. Really,” she said. She glanced at Kyle and snickered.
Her mirth was infectious, and both Lila and Hannah broke into laughter again.
“Well, at least you’re both in a good mood now,” Kyle said to himself before leaving the room.
Lila hugged Hannah and said she’d be in touch and to call if she needed anything. Hannah thanked her for coming by.
“I promise to keep it to myself,” Lila said.
“Thanks,” Hannah said, and took a drink of ginger ale. “Oh, wait, you’re talking about the miscarriage, not the—”
“Both, Hannah, both,” Lila added quickly, and waved goodbye before she could start laughing again.
“Let me know if you ever want to borrow them!” Hannah called after Lila, which made Lila rush down the stairs, biting her lip as she fled to keep from bursting out into a belly laugh.
When she arrived in the foyer, Kyle was waiting for her.
“Thanks,” he said, and gave Lila a brief hug. “I can’t believe you actually got her to laugh.”
“Um—” Lila said, and turned away with a smile.
“I’m not gonna ask,” Kyle told her. “Probably don’t want to know.”
“You got that right,” Lila said, and felt herself turning red yet again.
“And how are you doing?”
“I’m not so bad, actually,” Lila told him, and looked up the stairs for several seconds. “Kyle, how did you handle it all those years? Wanting Hannah for so long and not being able to be with her?”
“Sucked it up,” Kyle replied, looking surprised at the question. “Not like I had much of a choice, was there? Hate to say it, but the best thing that ever happened to me was the day Hannah caught Josh cheating on her. I know it killed her—but it sure led to a lot of happiness for us.” Kyle looked down at his cousin. “So how are you handling it?”
“Handling what?”
“Not being with Bo.”
“I—I’m not in the same situation,” Lila said defensively.
“Yes, you are,” Kyle insisted.
“How do you reckon that?” Lila asked, irked.
“Because I almost lost Hannah when she came back to Bourbon Springs after she’d worked in Lexington for a few weeks. I whined and thought it just hurt too damned much to even risk losing her again, and I didn’t even want to try to go there again, as much as I loved her.”
“That’s crazy.”
“Tell me about it,” he said. “I was stubborn and stupid. But I realized that I was wrong and that it hurt too much to be without her. Thank God I came to my senses,” he said, and looked up the stairs before looking back to Lila. “Did you know that Bo was the one responsible for getting Hannah to come back to Bourbon Springs?”
Lila was startled by this revelation. “No, I didn’t.”
Kyle nodded. “He was. He went up to Lexington to talk to her, and to tell her he missed her and wanted her to come home. Hannah has never told me everything that he said to her—and I won’t ask since that’s between those two and not my business—but whatever it was, it worked. It must have been one hell of an apology is all I can figure. I’ve had my problems with Bo, but when he got Hannah back here, he wiped the slate clean as far as I’m concerned.”
“I sense a message in there somewhere,” Lila said.
Kyle smiled and put his hand on Lila’s shoulder “It’s not my business, but you are family, and I hate to see you sad. So the message is that you need to try to get through whatever it is with Bo. Talk to him, think, whatever you need. Try to work it out. You’ve got nothing to lose, do you?”
“Except my heart,” Lila admitted.
“I think you already gave that to him, didn’t you?” Kyle asked. “Don’t do that and just walk away. Trust me on that.”
Lila got no rest that night, and it wasn’t because of the ongoing storm. She tossed and turned, with the result that when the dawn did creep into her room, her back was sore from moving around so much in the bed. She felt strangely awake, as though she’d had several cups of coffee. Lila knew there would be no rest until she figured out why.
Why couldn’t she forgive Bo?
It was the question that had been squarely put to her less than twenty-four hours earlier and had been bugging the hell out of her ever since.
Lila got out of bed, put her robe and slippers on and went downstairs with the answer buzzing in her brain.
There was no good reason.
She was being stubborn. She was angry and hurt. And she was being a hypocrite, too. She’d forgiven herself but wouldn’t forgive the man she loved.
Lila made a pot of coffee and returned to the second floor with her mug, wanting to sit by her bedroom window and look at the springs. But when she reached the top of the stairs and stood outside her bedroom window, rather than turn right and into her room, Lila’s head moved to the left. Through the window of the room across the hall, Lila had a perfect view of the southern part of her property. It was mostly clear that morning, and she could see the outskirts of the golf greens at The Cooperage along the creek. Further to the south, a few clouds remained and she saw the distinct arc of a rainbow appear as the morning sun broke through.
Almost robotically, Lila moved to that southern-facing window and surveyed her property from that vantage point. She hardly ever went to that part of her land; it was just fields, although pretty. Her attentions usually shifted to the north, toward her springs and the distillery.
Lila next walked across the hall to her room to take in that very view. Although there was the typical low fog lurking about, she still had a clear view of the area. She smiled, and then walked back to the southern window and scanned that larger part of the property.
A sense of excitement and hope began bubbling deep inside her. How differently things could appear from another point of view. With a rare and exquisite clarity of mind born of love and reason, she knew exactly what she wanted and what she needed to do to get it.
In that quiet moment, Lila forgave Bo, and she forgave herself for not forgiving him sooner. She knew she needed to talk to him, but before she did that, Lila went in search of her surveys to make sure that her idea could work.
Chapter 29
With Goose at his side, Bo inspected the grounds of the distillery early on Monday morning, looking for any downed trees or other damage left by the weekend storms. Saturday night had been one long fit of exhausting terror as he relived the horror of the last time storms of such magnitude had passed through the area. The only thing that had brought him solace was recalling his chance encounter with Lila on Saturday.
Damn, had it felt wonderful to hold her. He’d barely believed it when Lila not only talked to him, but also came back to the table after leaving. Then she let him walk her down the street and actually hugged him.
It was enough to give him hope. He didn’t want to listen to her claims of false hope or whatever she wanted to call it. Bo didn’t believe she was leading him on because the alternative—life without her—was too horrible to consider. But now he was clueless as to the next step. He sensed she had to make it and that if he tried anything, it would spook her and send her away—maybe for good.
“Hey, man,” Goose said as they walked around the burned rickhouse, “watch your step. It’s hard to see that hole there.”
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They were inspecting all the rickhouses, even the site of the burned one. They’d had good news recently on getting the insurance proceeds for the loss of the rickhouse. Hannah—Bo had to hand it to her, she was a superb negotiator—had managed to get the insurance company to get them the proceeds quickly. Construction on a new one could hopefully begin once the weather warmed up. It wasn’t like they needed a complicated design for a rickhouse; they were relatively simple things to build. Bo hoped the construction would be swift so new barrels of Old Garnet could start going in by the fall.
Everything looked fine, except for one downed tree near the northern property line and a lot of stray limbs. As they walked together, Goose warned Bo away from stepping into a rather large depression that was hard to see due to the cover of some grass.
“Thanks,” Bo told him, “I should’ve remembered that was there.”
He was wearing jeans that cold day, along with his parka over a thick flannel shirt. Bo also wore a pair of work boots since he had correctly anticipated that he would be knocking around some pretty rough and muddy areas of the property. During their inspection tour, Bo had managed to keep the mud on his boots and the cuffs of his jeans to a minimum. Goose was not as successful in staying out of the muck, and mud was generously splattered across his boots and the lower parts of his jeans.
They walked back to the four-wheeler—that thing that Lila so hated, Bo remembered—and rode in it back to the office.
“Doesn’t look too bad,” Goose concluded. “I’ll get some tree guys out here as soon as possible to clear that big oak we saw,” he said, and pointed northward.
“Yeah,” Bo said absentmindedly, and scratched his chin. He realized he’d again done a crappy job shaving that morning.
“Forgive me for saying, but you look like you could use some sleep, boss,” Goose said as they wound their way amidst trees and the other rickhouses. “Storms keep you up?”
“Yeah, and I have a lot on my mind,” he said.
Angels' Share (Bourbon Springs Book 3) Page 26