And in his own mind, he was.
Maybe he was overreacting, or maybe he was starting to get a little spooked by how fast he had fallen for Tricia and subconsciously needed an excuse to walk away.
“Bullshit,” he murmured. Ryan knew he wasn’t a coward even though his current actions said otherwise. So his mother and brother set him up? Was it really such a bad thing? It wasn’t as if they’d set him up with a stranger or with the date from hell; it was Tricia. He’d always liked her, so why was he so upset?
Because they made you look like a fool.
Did they? Thinking back over the last six weeks, Ryan realized that every minute he had spent with Tricia, he’d enjoyed. And other than his worry over Sean and his accident, things had been good. Really good.
And then he went and screwed them up.
Did Sean tell Tricia what he was doing? Wracking his brain he couldn’t find any trace or memory of anything she said or did that would prove that. She was a sweet and honest person and from everything he ever knew about her, she certainly wasn’t a manipulator. If anything, Ryan knew people tended to take advantage of her because she was too nice. He didn’t think she would have gone along with this plan even if she’d had a crush on him long before now.
His heart ached with the memory of the look on her face when they’d gotten back to the house. How the hell was he supposed to make it up to her? The last thing he wanted to do was be one of those people who took advantage of her kindness.
He was clueless as to how to get out of this. Sure there was begging and groveling, but…being who Tricia was, she’d forgive him even if she was still hurting. He cursed himself and his short temper. He was angry with his mother and brother, not Tricia. She’d just been the closest one when he unloaded. A convenient punching bag.
And that made him loathe himself even more.
A look at the dashboard clock showed he had another hour on the road before he got home. The only decision he could make was to give Tricia a little space.
He’d deal with his family first.
***
By Tuesday, Ryan was ready to climb the walls. Thirteen times he’d called Tricia. Thirteen! No answer, no answering machine and no voicemail. What the hell was she doing? In his frustration, he punched the kitchen wall and cursed. He knew she was upset but he didn’t expect a complete shutout like this. How the hell was he supposed to apologize when she wouldn’t answer her phone?
He collapsed on his sofa, ran his hands over his face and sighed with frustration. Sunday morning, he thought he had it all – Tricia in his arms, a beautiful day outside and thoughts of a future together that weren’t overly freaking him out. And now where was he? Alone, pissed off and everything looked like shit.
Coward.
Yeah, that pretty much was the only way to describe himself. After talking for hours with his mother and brother, he knew now what they did was truly done out of love. His mother was a bit scary in her ability to know when people were meant to be together and he knew how much she believed in the connection he and Tricia had.
Had.
Hard to tell if there was still a connection when she wouldn’t talk to him. The thought of jumping in the car and going to her was appealing but it was also impossible. His work schedule was jam-packed and even now he was running late for a meeting because he was sitting here obsessing about the whole situation.
With nothing left to do, he got himself ready and out the door. He owned a company and he had work to do and as much as it pained him, he’d have to wait to take that drive until Friday.
***
You know, you can take a dozen showers, wash the sheets and put all the little mementos away, but there was no way to cleanse your heart and mind, Tricia thought to herself as she walked in the door after work late Tuesday afternoon.
She used to love coming home to this house, but now it just made her sad. All the things she’d loved about it – her connection to the Petersons – were just more reasons to make her heart ache.
In the kitchen she glanced in the refrigerator for inspiration for dinner and then glanced over at the unplugged phone. For days she’d managed to turn off the voicemail on her cell phone but knew that wouldn’t last much longer. Her clients needed a way to get in touch with her and it really was childish to keep avoiding everyone. She hadn’t done anything wrong so really, it was time to be a big girl and deal with reality.
As soon as the plug was back in, her phone rang and she let the answering machine pick up.
She’d deal with being a big girl later.
“Tricia? Are you there?” Ryan’s voice filled the room. “I’ve been calling all day. Well, for several days and…I um…look, I’m at home so please call me when you get this, okay?” He paused. “Please.” And then he hung up.
Her heart was hammering so fiercely in her chest she almost had herself convinced she was having a heart attack. After a few deep breaths, things went back to normal. The fact was she wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. She needed more time.
In an attempt to distract herself, she went back to the refrigerator to find something to eat, but her eyes kept going back to the damn blinking light on the answering machine. “I can’t deal with this right now,” she muttered, grabbing her purse and walking out of the kitchen. “I prefer takeout anyway.”
***
When Tricia pulled into her driveway Friday evening, she saw a car parked there and recognized it immediately as Steph’s. She supposed out of the three Petersons, she was feeling the most kindly toward her. And for the first time since Tricia had moved in, Steph was waiting outside rather than using her key.
“Hey,” Tricia said cautiously as she climbed from her car. “What are you doing here?”
“I figured it might be best if I showed up unannounced, especially after the way things went last weekend.” She looked contrite and smiled weakly. “May I come in?”
“Of course.”
Once inside, Tricia realized she wasn’t angry anymore, not really. So Steph and Sean had set her up with Ryan. What was the big deal? Sure, she would have preferred it if they had talked to her about it first but in the long run, she had really enjoyed herself, had loved getting to know him. It wasn’t their fault he turned out to be a big jerk.
“So what brings you here, Steph?” Placing her purse down on the living room sofa, she sat and waited.
“I hate the way we left things on Sunday, Trish. You have to know we did this with the best of intentions. Ryan’s not overly social and you tend to be shy and when Sean had his accident and he told me about the weddings, well…I just sort of planted the idea with him to set the two of you up.” She shook her head. “That didn’t come out right, what I meant is…”
“I know what you meant,” Tricia said softly, “and believe it or not, I’m glad you did.”
“You are?”
Tricia nodded. “I’m more upset that you didn’t talk to me first.” She shrugged. “I really enjoyed the time Ryan and I spent together.”
“But…?” Steph prompted.
“But…it’s over now.”
“What? Why?”
Tricia told her about the argument they’d had before he left. “The thing is, I really thought we had something serious. I…I was falling in love with him and the fact that he would accuse me of lying to him? Well…it just showed me we weren’t on the same page.”
“I see.” They sat in silence for a few minutes. “Do you miss him?”
Tricia nodded and willed herself not to cry. She had managed to go for all of sixteen hours without crying over the last week.
“Why don’t you call him? It seems to me like things just got out of hand and I take full responsibility for it. I talked to him on Sunday when he was driving home and I thought we were all good, but apparently not. He said he was going to call you…”
“He did,” Tricia said quietly. “I just haven’t answered any of his calls.”
“Ah…and how’s that working for you?”
Tri
cia couldn’t help but chuckle. Steph was never one for beating around the bush.
“Honestly? It’s not. But I know my own strengths and weaknesses and I know if I talk to him right now, he’ll convince me of how sorry he is. And I’m sure he is but…he really hurt me, Steph. I pride myself on being the type of person people can trust and the fact that he didn’t?” She sighed. “I…I just need some time.”
Steph took one of her hands in hers and squeezed. “Then you should take it.”
“I’m just not sure when it stops being what I need and starts being cowardly.”
“Only you can answer that.” Steph rose and went to the kitchen to pour them each something to drink. When she came back and handed Tricia the glass, she smiled. “Why don’t you come over to the island for the weekend and hang out with Sean? I have plans with some friends up in Vermont but I hate leaving him alone.”
“Vermont? That’s kind of a long haul for you, isn’t it?”
She nodded. “I know. And I almost canceled because I need to be there for Sean, but he insisted I go. He said he was tired of people fussing over him.”
“How is he feeling?”
“He’s getting along pretty well with the crutches – even with the small cast on his arm – but I don’t let him do too much. I know he’d love to see you.”
Part of her really wanted to see him too, but not yet, which is what she told Steph. “Actually, I was planning on going upstate to visit my mom and John this weekend. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t owe me an apology, sweetheart. I just thought it might work out and it would be a good time for you and Sean to have some uninterrupted time to sort things out.” She bent down and kissed the top of Tricia’s head. “When are you hitting the road for your mom’s?”
“Early tomorrow morning. It’s a three-hour drive – give or take – and if I leave early we’ll have the whole day together.”
“So you’re only going for the day?”
Tricia shook her head. “The weekend. Maybe more. I don’t have any clients until Tuesday but I was waiting to see how the weekend went before deciding when to come home.”
“Then how about you and I go and grab a bite to eat? It’s been a long time since we’ve gone out just the two of us.”
It was true and as much as Tricia wanted to bow out so she could pack and relax and continue to wallow in self-pity as she’d been doing for a week, she knew she needed to get out of the house and move on.
Ryan hadn’t tried to call her in a couple of days and she figured he’d finally given up. It was for the best. They’d tried something and it didn’t work. Not every relationship led to love, marriage and happily-ever-after.
No matter how much you wanted it.
“Tricia?” Steph prompted.
“What? Oh, dinner, right? Sure! That sounds great.” She stood and reached for her purse. “There’s a new Mexican place in town I know you’re going to love.”
Ten
It was after dark Sunday night and Ryan was sitting on the front steps of Tricia’s house with his head resting in his hands. It would have been easier to go inside, but he felt he no longer had the right to do that. So he waited.
When he’d arrived Saturday morning, he’d cursed himself when he saw she wasn’t home. His plan had been to arrive on Friday night like they always did but after his meeting with a difficult client went well into the night, he knew he needed to get a good night’s sleep before hitting the road.
He’d called his mother to see if she knew where Tricia was, but she didn’t. He wasn’t quite sure he believed her, but at the time, he didn’t have a choice. She herself was on her way to Vermont to visit some friends. Then he’d called Sean and talked to him for a while and he claimed he hadn’t seen or talked to Tricia since the previous weekend. With nothing to do but wait, Ryan had reluctantly agreed to take the ferry over to Fire Island to stay with his brother. It wasn’t ideal and it wouldn’t help him to know when Tricia would be home but again, he didn’t have much of a choice.
So here he sat. Waiting.
Looking at his watch he figured he’d give it another hour and then he’d have to head home. It was hard to believe she still wasn’t home and no one knew where she went. Worry for her nearly overwhelmed him and when he spotted headlights at the end of the block, he said a silent prayer it was her.
The car came to a stop a few feet away from him and Ryan instantly stood. He could see the frown on Tricia’s face and hated he was the reason for it. With his hands in his pockets, he watched as she climbed from the car, grocery bags in her hands. When he stepped forward to help her, she merely moved around him.
“Hey,” he said quietly. “How are you?”
If she heard him, she didn’t let on. Unlocking the door, she moved into the house and put the bags down in the kitchen before turning around and going back out to the car. Ryan followed and watched as she opened the trunk and pulled out a small suitcase.
“Where’ve you been?” he asked.
Still no answer.
Then she reached back into the car for what looked like a bag from the local Chinese restaurant. If he had to guess, he’d say she was away for the weekend and stopped to pick up dinner on her way home. But where had she gone and was she going to acknowledge him?
Without asking, he took the suitcase from her hands and walked back into the house, placing it on the stairs before following her into the kitchen. She was getting a plate and silverware and acting as if he wasn’t even there.
“Okay, I get it. You’re still mad,” he said finally. “But I’m here and I’ve been here all weekend because I think we need to talk.”
Tricia slammed her fork down and looked at him. “Oh, now you feel like we need to talk? Because I thought we needed to do that a week ago. But you know what happened? You left.” She never raised her voice but the irritation was definitely there.
“I know I handled things poorly and I’m sorry. I tried to apologize but you wouldn’t take my calls. Then I came here and you weren’t here. Where were you?”
She looked at him incredulously for a minute and then went back to plating her dinner. “I’m sorry you drove all the way out here for nothing. It’s late, I’ve been gone all weekend and I have things to do. Besides, you have a long drive ahead of you so you should get going.”
He sighed with frustration and moved to stand in front of her. “I’m not going anywhere until we talk.”
She stepped away from him and took a seat at the breakfast nook. “Fine. Clearly you have something to say, so go ahead.”
Ryan wasn’t stupid. Tricia wasn’t even trying to hide her animosity toward him so he knew he had his work cut out for him. “I screwed up,” he began. “Seeing Sean at my mom’s after he’d been a jerk on Skype at the wedding, it messed with me a little. It pissed me off that he was home and he kept it from me. While I’ll admit Sean and I aren’t as close as the two of you are, he’s never deliberately lied to me.”
“Me either,” she said quietly.
“By the time I was getting my brain wrapped around all of it, you came out and said how it was all a set up. I didn’t think. I just reacted and I’m sorry.” His expression softened as he looked at her. He’d missed her so damn much and now that he was here, all he wanted to do was hold her, kiss her, love her.
“I really am sorry, sweetheart,” he said, slowly walking over to her. “I know you had no idea what the two of them were doing and I never should have accused you of it.”
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
When he was close enough to touch her, he did. His fingers skimmed down her cheek and he felt like everything was going to be all right. “Tell me you forgive me,” he said, his voice rough like gravel. “I need to know we’re okay.”
Tricia took a shaky breath and met his gaze. “I know it was a sucky situation and I can understand you reacting badly. I don’t agree with it, but yes. I forgive you.”
He almost sagged with relief. Leaning in, he went to
kiss her when her hand on his chest stopped him.
“But…”
And that’s when he knew he was in trouble. “But…?”
“We’re not okay, Ryan,” she said softly. “You’ve known me almost as long as Sean has and although we weren’t close until recently, you should have known I wasn’t involved in any of it. And yet you still accused me.” She shrugged. “You didn’t trust me and you didn’t even respect me enough to let me defend myself. I’ve been in relationships like this before and I can’t do it again. I’m sorry.”
Ryan felt as if he couldn’t breathe.
He’d ruined it.
He’d finally found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with and he screwed it up.
“Trish,” he whispered. “Please.”
The sound of the house phone ringing stopped any response she may have had. Ryan wasn’t sure if he was grateful or not. He stepped aside as she stood and walked around him to get to the phone.
He raked a hand through his hair and tried to regroup. How was he going to convince Tricia to give him another chance? What could he possibly do or say to...
“Ryan?” she said, her expression wary. “It’s for you.” She held the phone out to him.
“Who is it?”
“It’s some doctor calling from up in Vermont. Your mom’s in the hospital.”
***
If Tricia wasn’t in the middle of it, she’d swear it was a bad joke.
It was after eleven by the time they got on the road. Ryan had spent a long time on the phone with the doctor and then had to call Sean. They had debated on whether or not he should go to Vermont with Ryan, but in the end decided against it. Not because of his injuries, but because it would be too hard for him to get the ferry.
In the end, Tricia insisted on going with him. While Ryan had been sorting things out with Sean, Tricia had gone online to find them a hotel near the hospital. With the reservations made, all she had to do was pack and they were ready to go.
Ryan insisted on driving and she could see how tense he was. She wished there was something she could do or say to help him.
Marry Me: a Wedding Romance Duet Page 28