by Tessa Teevan
I round the corner and the cemetery comes into view as I realize that Brady was right. I haven’t been by here since I started dating Jace, and I feel a twinge of guilt as I make my way to Ty’s grave. The grass is still a dirty brown color, a contrast to the late April spring foliage, indicating that the groundskeeper has clearly not been watering the lawn. Bursts of color ranging from a deep red, a playful yellow, and an inviting orange line the graves throughout the site, but Ty’s is bare.
Taking out my headphones, I sit down and trace the letters on his headstone. Tyler Benjamin Tate. Loving son, husband, and friend. 1/21/1982-4/26/2011.
Glancing at my watch, I realize that the anniversary of his death is tomorrow. Last year, I was a wreck on this day, and now? I am so wrapped up in thoughts of Jace that it almost slipped past me. My fingers hover over the word loving and I smile to myself, because that one word perfectly describes him. Moving to the side of his headstone, I prop myself up against it. I lean my head back against the cool stone, and I close my eyes.
“I miss you, Tyler. I miss you so, so much. My life was a mess after you left, and I never thought I would be able to move on from you. So much has happened this past year, and I’ve... I’ve finally fallen in love,” I admit for the first time out loud.
Picking at the dead grass, I continue. “The thing is, I never told him. I let him go without ever saying those words to him. I was too scared to admit it. Too afraid to voice it. And sitting here now, I realize how foolish I was to hold them back. I never got the chance to tell you I loved you one last time. You left me while we were fighting. Your words haunted me for the longest time, so of all people, I should know how important it is to tell your loved ones how you feel every chance you get. Loving you was easy. Losing you broke me. Somehow, I found someone who was able to pick up every single piece and make me whole again.”
Wiping the hot tears from my eyes, I press a kiss against the headstone as I stand up.
“I’ll always love you, Ty, and a part of me will always be missing. But I’m finally ready to move on. I’m ready to be in love again.”
With one last look at his name etched in stone, I turn and finish my run, eager to get home to put the words to paper. It’s not ideal, but now that I’ve finally said it out loud, I need to tell Jace, any way that I can.
When I get home, I grab my cell phone off the charger and head towards my office. Checking it, I see that I have one missed call from a number I don’t know and a voice message. Hitting play, I settle in at my desk and listen.
A shaky voice fills my ear, and I automatically freeze. “Hi Lexi, this is Beth McAllister. Can you give me a call as soon as you get this message?”
She rattles off her number and I jot it down with trembling hands. Dialing the number, I sit and listen to three long, agonizing rings before I hear Patrick’s voice.
“It…it’s Lexi. I just got Beth’s message. Is everything okay?”
I can hear Beth in the background, and she takes the phone from her husband. The moment she comes to the phone, I can tell she’s been crying.
“Lexi, honey, we just got a phone call from Jace’s commanding officer. There weren’t a lot of details, but there’s been an incident…” Her voice trails off as the phone slips out of my hands, falling to the floor.
Oh, God, no. Please, tell me this isn’t happening again.
I slide out of the chair in a crumpled heap on the floor. Sobs wrack through me as I feel every piece of my heart breaking into tiny little fragments. The pain at the thought of losing Jace rips through my body. I love him—more than anything in the world—and I never told him. The realization that I may never get the chance to fix that is unbearable. I don’t know how long I’m lying there on the floor, but eventually, after every last tear has fallen, sleep takes over as the world fades to black.
THE BLAZING sun is bearing down on me as our patrol suits up to leave the forward operating base I’ve been at for the past three weeks. We’re outside the wire, training some Afghan National Army soldiers on route clearance so that they have the skills to continue our work when we leave the country as scheduled next year. The Taliban is notorious for placing IEDs along supply routes in hopes of killing anyone against their cause, so it’s imperative that we find and clear any threats along the side of the highway. Any time we see something suspicious and stop to check it out, you have to mind your 0s, 5s, and 25s, checking the various meter distances around the vehicle to ensure the safety of the team. If you step out of the MRAP without looking, you could inadvertently trigger an explosive device.
We got a call about a suspicious area, so we load up and head out. Knox is driving, and I settle in beside him, Montgomery and Taylor sitting in the back. Another team rolls out in front of us, and as we get moving, I pull out a picture of Alexa out of my cargo pocket.
“Dude, every single time. It’s like a ritual to you. You gotta get over that girl,” Knox tells me, and I immediately regret ever telling him about my irritation with her holding back from me.
“I’m not getting over anyone. She’ll come around. I know she will,” I say, not sure if I’m trying to convince him or myself.
He just scoffs in disbelief. “Whatever you say, man. For your sake, I hope so. That’s why I don’t do relationships. Women latch on, all sweet and sugary, until they bleed you dry and leave you in the dust without a second glance. Nope, I’m never doing that again.”
“Someone did a number on you to leave you so jaded. It’s about time you spill.”
He surprises me by actually opening up a little. “I thought I was in love once. High school sweetheart. She was the sweetest thing this side of the Mississippi. Her hair was the color of the hay fields we spent hours lazing in, making love under the stars. Her eyes were bluer than the summer sky over the Smokies. She was just a pretty little thing that fit perfectly in my arms, and I loved the hell out of that girl.”
My eyebrows rise at his very detailed description. “Dude, do you moonlight writing country songs?” He gives me a dirty look, so I move on. “Well, what happened?”
He snorts and gives me a knowing look. “She fucked my brother.”
“Damn,” I mutter, and Montgomery and Taylor echo my sentiments.
He shrugs as he continues. “I found out that it wasn’t the first time. She wanted a college guy. Someone with a good future, and that wasn’t me. So I joined the Army the next day and never looked back. She hooked her claws in him and now they’re living happily ever after with two kids while I play with bombs and haven’t had a relationship that’s lasted longer than six months since then. Fucking bloodsuckers.”
“Wait, is this the brother you stayed with last summer?” I ask, wondering how any self-respecting man would sleep with his brother’s girl.
He shakes his head. “No, that was my younger brother. The other douche… Let’s just say we don’t talk much.”
The vehicle falls silent as the team in front of us comes to a stop.
“Let’s do it, boys. Clear on my side,” Taylor says as we check our 0s.
Montgomery and Taylor get out and conduct their 5s and 25s before signaling that it’s all clear. Knox and I join them as the other team sets up a perimeter so we can safely exploit the suspicious package. I’m about to get into my blast damage gear when I hear Knox’s voice. I turn to look at him, and he’s staring at a small hill at the base of the Hindu Kush Mountains. I see something glint in the sunlight.
“I think we’ve got a spotter,” Knox informs us.
The significance of his words makes my blood run cold. Insurgents often have spotters lying in wait when they’ve planted cell phone-triggered IEDs. That way they can detonate the bomb the moment they want by dialing a specific number.
Before we can inform the guys on the perimeter, the bomb explodes without warning. I’m knocked to the ground as a sharp pain slices through my chest and lower body. Flashes of Alexa, both then and now, rush through my brain as the pain takes over. The thought of losing her b
efore I’ve even had her goes through my mind, and I’m fighting hard to stay conscious. With one last image of her beautiful smile, I begin to close my eyes, right after I see Knox flying through the air. I lose him as my world turns to black.
I WAKE up and hear Sierra rushing through the house, searching for me. Pulling myself into a sitting position, I’m momentarily confused until I hear those words. There’s been an incident.
“I’m in here,” I choke out, my voice sounding scratchy.
Seconds later she’s bursting through the door, wrapping her arms around me when she spots me on the ground. Before I know it, she’s dragging me to my feet, pushing me towards the bedroom.
“You need to pack,” she informs me, but all I can do is crawl into bed and curl myself into a ball.
I want to pretend that the real world doesn’t exist, creating my own bubble to keep all the pain away. Not wanting to hear the words said out loud, I bury my face in my pillow. I can hear her going through my things, but I continue to ignore her until she finally stops by my spot on the bed.
“Alexa Leigh, get your ass out of bed right now,” she demands.
I sit up but stare at the wall instead of looking at her. I’m in a daze, so I’m not prepared for the hard slap that comes across my cheek. Holding my face with my hand, I glare at her.
“What the hell was that for?” I ask, having been jarred out of my stupor.
She gets in my face as she places a piece of paper in my hand. “You. Have. To. Go,” she says, emphasizing every word.
I stare at her and she sighs, placing her hands on her hips. “Beth McAllister called Mom, who called me. She said you hung up before she could finish talking. Jace is on his way to a hospital in Germany right now. He’s unconscious, but he’s alive. His parents are flying over, and Mom and Dad bought you a ticket so you could go, too.”
My eyes widen as her words sink in. “He’s alive?”
She nods and the tears start to fall onto my cheeks.
“I thought…I lost him.”
“I know, honey. But you didn’t. Initial assessment is that his injuries aren’t life threatening, but they’ll know more once he gets there. So pack quickly, and I’ll drop you off at the airport.”
Elation soars through me as the words sink in. He’s going to be okay. I’m getting a second chance, and the pain in my heart is replaced by a relieved happiness. I’m more than eager to finally say the words to him.
Pulling myself together, I throw my things in a suitcase. Two hours later, I’m boarding a plane, anxious to see with my own two eyes that Jace is really okay.
I try to pass the next ten hours reading my Kindle, but my mind keeps wandering to him and I can’t concentrate on the words on the screen. I’ve made him wait so long, and it makes me nervous that I could be too late. Will he still want that same future? Or have these three weeks apart changed his mind? I shake the thought out of my mind, because this is Jace. Ten years didn’t change anything, so a few weeks apart won’t either.
After an agonizingly long flight, the plane is finally landing, and I’m chomping at the bit to get off. Trying to be polite but growing increasingly frustrated, I exit the plane and am all but running through the concourse. Jace’s parents offered to pick me up, and by the time I reach Beth, I’m a sobbing mess again. She wraps her arms around me and rubs my back.
“Lexi, calm down, sweetie. He’s injured pretty badly, but the doctors think he’s going to be fine,” she informs me.
I only brought my carry on, so she guides me out of the airport and into the taxi that’s waiting on us. She informs the driver of where to go before she turns back to me.
“His team was getting ready to clear a suspicious item on the side of a road, and it exploded before they could get to it. He’s got second-degree burns on his chest, and his left leg is broken in three places. They’re also monitoring him for internal bleeding. He’s still unconscious, but his brain activity looks normal. When I left, he was in surgery to repair his leg.”
“And they think he’s going to recover fine?” I ask quietly.
She takes my hand and holds it, reassuring me. “The doctor says that the recovery for his leg will take the longest, but he should be up and moving on it in the next few months. As long as there’s no internal bleeding, he’ll be fine.”
I lean my head back against the seat with relief. We’re silent the rest of the way to the hospital, and my impatience grows as I go through all the channels to get in to see him. Patrick rises to his feet when he spots us moving towards him in the waiting room. He gives his wife a kiss on the cheek before drawing me into a warm hug.
“They just brought him back from surgery. He’s still out from the anesthesia, but you can go in and see him if you want. We’re going to go get some coffee. Want anything?” he asks as he tells me Jace’s room number.
I shake my head, and Beth squeezes my arm, giving me a smile before they turn and walk away. Anxiously I make my way down the hallway, searching for his room number. It seems like hours before I finally find it, and I take in a deep breath before entering. A nurse is adjusting his IV drip, and she gives me a smile when she spots me.
“He’s still pretty heavily sedated, but he should wake up anytime now,” she tells me, and I smile at her as she exits the room, leaving us alone.
The room is silent except for the beeping coming from the monitor on the side of his bed. I pull a chair up to the side of the bed, where I still as I take in the sight of him. His long body is stretched out on the bed with a sheet covering him up to his chest. I can see the bandages covering his burns, and my breath catches when my eyes reach his face. His beautiful features are marred by dark bruises on the left side. Another bandage is on his forehead, running along the end of his hairline. He looks so damaged and vulnerable, and tears sting my eyes as I take in his injured appearance.
Sitting down, I lean in and take his hand in mine. Exhausted, I lay my head on the edge of the bed and close my eyes. I’m not sure how long I stay that way, but the moment I feel his fingers move underneath mine, I’m wide awake. I look up and see his eyes blink open halfway. He’s struggling to see me.
He closes his eyes again and sighs. “I must still be dreaming,” he whispers in a husky voice. “Or they gave me really good drugs and I’m seeing things. Yeah, must be the drugs making me see a vision of my beautiful girl.”
“Jace…” I begin, but he hushes me.
“No, no, you don’t talk. I mean, you talk, but you don’t say what you feel, so right now you can keep your mouth shut. You may not be real, but I’m damn well going to tell you how I feel,” he says, getting agitated, clearly still out of it.
“Jace, I’m—” I start to say before he snaps.
“Be quiet, woman. You had your chance to talk weeks ago, but you didn’t say a word, so it’s my turn. I love you. I love you so damn much. And I know you love me, too. Why is it so damn difficult for you just to say it? Just once I want to hear it. Just once before I have to let you go…” he says, his voice trailing off with the last word.
“I do love you, Jace. I love you more than I can even begin to describe,” I reveal.
He sighs again, and his hand falls from mine. In a sleepy, sad voice, he mumbles, “If only you were real,” before slipping back into a deep slumber.
I CAN hear voices as I struggle to open my eyes. My mouth’s as dry as the Iraqi desert in the middle of summer and my lips won’t part. Blinking twice, I see my mom asleep in the corner and my dad reading a newspaper. Dad notices my eyes open and he shakes Mom awake. I clear my throat and my mom is instantly by my side as she puts a straw from a cup of water up to my lips. I drink in and immediately swirl it around my mouth. Swallowing with relief, I struggle to smile. A sharp pain in my jaw causes me to grimace, and Mom looks at me with pity.
“You need to take it easy, honey. You’ve got some pretty bad bruising,” she tells me.
I glance around the room, remembering the visions I had of Alexa when I wa
s under. Any hopes that I wasn’t dreaming vanish when I don’t see her. It’s a cruel fate that I’d finally hear her say that she loves me only for it to turn out to be a dream. At that moment the door opens and the doctor enters with what I’m guessing is my chart.
“Sergeant McAllister, nice to have you back with us. I’m just going to check your vital signs and the burns,” he tells me.
“How bad, Doc?” I ask, wanting to know the extent of my injuries.
He spends the next few minutes going over my injuries with me, and he comments that I’m extremely lucky due to how close we were to the bomb blast. Immediately I wonder about Knox, because he was even closer than I was.
“Is Sergeant Wellington here? Is there any word on him?” I ask the doctor, whose eyes draw together.
“I can’t discuss other patients, but I can tell you that Sgt. Wellington suffered life threatening injuries, but we think he’s going to make it. It’s touch and go right now, but as soon as he’s stable here, he’ll be leaving for Walter Reed where they can provide more long-term care. In fact, you’ll both be going there. The fractures in your leg are going to take some time to heal, and you’ll need physical therapy once you’re finished. We want to monitor you for a couple of more days before we let you go, though.”
I thank him and he leaves, telling me that a nurse will be around to check on me later. My parents are watching me, trying to gauge my reaction to the doctor’s news. I push any thoughts of Knox not making it out of my mind. It’s hard enough to think about not having him around, but I wonder if his family even gave a damn when they got their phone call.
“Thanks for coming all this way. It really means a lot,” I tell my parents.
“Jace, honey, of course we came. When they first called, we didn’t have any details. We knew you weren’t gone because they wouldn’t call for that, but at the time they didn’t know how badly you were injured, so we hopped on a plane and got here as soon as we could,” Mom tells me.