“Nicki, I know you two are a package deal.”
“This is a lot to process, Aaron. I just need some time to think.” Nicole pulled her hand from his and ran both of her hands through her hair. Dread consumed her as she anticipated the upcoming conversation with her in-laws. Aaron leaned in toward her and placed his fingers under her chin, turning her face to his.
“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.”
Avery fidgeted in her seat and chewed her nails. They’d landed an hour ago and were approaching his hotel.
“Are you okay? You seem freaked out.” Shilah raised an eyebrow at Avery. As they approached town, he maneuvered the icy roads carefully in the darkness.
Avery took a deep breath.
“I was just thinking it’s stupid that you’re paying for a hotel room when you spend most of your nights at my place.”
“Oh yeah?” He gave her a side glance, and Avery saw his lips curve in a sexy little smile.
“Yeah. But I might have to charge you rent.”
“Will you take it out in trade?”
“I could use someone to take out the garbage and shovel my walk.”
“So that’s what the kids are calling it these days.”
She chuckled at him.
Avery’s phone chimed a text alert. The text was from Lauren and had been delayed when she had her phone in airplane mode. It was from 11:00 A.M.
Lauren: OMG! Aaron finally grew a pair! He spent the night at Nic’s.
Avery cackled and Shilah broke into a huge grin.
“What’s going on?” he asked with laugh.
“I have mad matchmaking skills. Aaron and Nic hooked up.”
“Right on.”
They pulled into the parking lot. Shilah parked the car. He reached over and placed his hand on her thigh.
“Do you want me to get all my stuff tonight and check out?”
Avery placed her hand on his and squeezed. “Yes.”
“I’ll be right back.” He vanished into the lobby. She began typing a text.
Avery: OMG!!! When was this!?!
As Avery waited for her reply, she glanced around the parking lot. She watched as an older man left a hotel room nearby and climbed into a truck. Her phone chimed.
Lauren: Last night! Everyone in town knows. He’s really sneaky. His truck blocked most of Main this morning and it was still in her driveway when I closed up.
Avery laughed as Shilah opened the car door.
“Okay, I just have to grab the rest of my stuff.”
“Do you need a hand?”
“It’s not much, I’ve got it.” He closed the door and went into the hotel through the side entrance.
Avery: Here’s some more shocking news: took a surprise trip to meet Shilah’s fam. He’s moving in tonight.
Lauren response was swift.
Lauren: LOL! Woohoo! Slut!
Avery was taking a swig of water and almost choked on it. She looked up and saw Shilah come out of the side door with two garment bags, a suitcase, and a duffle bag. He was hurrying, but she saw him slow his pace, and his weird expression caused her to whip her head in the direction he was looking. Avery saw her mother exiting the same hotel room she had seen the man leave no more than five minutes before. Nausea gripped her instantly, and she opened her door and heaved, but nothing came out. Shilah hurried over to the car and flung his stuff into the backseat. He rushed around the car to her side.
“Avery…”
“Was that my mom?” Her voice sounded far away.
“Yes.” He took her hand and touched her face. Tremors overtook her, and she felt the color drain from her face.
“Please take me home.”
Avery sat on the far side of the couch with pillows surrounding her. Shilah sat munching on popcorn at the opposite end. They were watching a romantic comedy, though Avery felt neither romantic, nor did she have the urge to laugh. She’d tossed and turned every night of the three weeks since Shilah had moved in, and her lack of sleep was catching up with her. Things had been awkward since seeing her mother at the hotel room, and Avery had clammed up on the drive home. Seeing her parents’ relationship in this new light was a one-two punch coming on the heels of Ryan and Nicole. To Avery, these two relationships had always been what she hoped for in her own life, and the reality that they were a lie was a slap in the face. Now all she could think was that happiness seemed fleeting and not maintainable. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted Nicole.
Avery: I need a Wonderland.
Avery knew Nicole would need no explanation. They’d been having “Wonderlands” since the first time Ryan broke up with Nic. The annoying song was on the radio constantly at that time. When Aaron made the mistake of playing the CD with them in the car, Nicole had ejected it, violently yanked it from the player, and hurled it into traffic. Aaron had to pull the car over because he was laughing too hard to drive. Since that day, whenever either of them had the urge to kill, they’d begun a tradition of eating junk, watching shitty movies (one romance, one horror), and basically hashing it all out in one night. Usually something got broken or burned in the process.
Nicole: you read my mind. Your sister is a total bitch.
Avery: I’m bringing the Ben & Jerry’s and cheese puffs.
Nicole: I already have the movies.
Avery stood and walked into her room, quickly throwing her things into a bag. She left the room and passed Shilah, calling to him on her way out the door.
“See you tomorrow. I’m going to Nic’s.”
Thirty minutes later, she pulled into Nic’s driveway. Her phone chimed with a text from Aaron.
Aaron: Cock blocker!!!
She appeared at Nic’s door. Nicole flung the door open with such enthusiasm Avery jumped. Then Avery held out her phone so Nicole could read Aaron’s text. Nicole nodded.
“Angela informed me that I am going to H-E-L-L for S-E-X ‘out of wedlock.’ Oh, and she chewed me out for not having Ike baptized. And that is the only thing I have heard from anyone in your family.”
Avery glanced to Nicole’s right and saw Ike standing there. “Well, my mom is probably too busy at the hotel doing her Ryan impersonation,” Avery replied.
“Huh?”
“Yeah, my mom’s a cheating W-H-O-R-E.” She watched Nicole as this information sunk in.
“Did you bring Cherry Garcia?” Nicole looked amused.
“Duh.”
They started watching the sappy love story first, while gorging Ike with junk food. Once he fell asleep, Nicole turned to Avery.
“So why do you need a Wonderland?” Nicole asked after she returned from tucking Ike into bed.
“Shilah is so pulled together.” Avery sighed and took a swig of Diet Rock Star.
“I think I dig ‘pulled together.’ Is that a bad thing? You deserve someone who has it together for once.”
“My family is a toxic mixture of holy-rolling, pill-popping, pompous asses. The only adults I can relate to are Mitch and Dad. And Shilah thinks my family is normal. What’s up with that?”
“What is normal, Avery?” Nicole sighed and put aside the Ben and Jerry’s she’d been pushing around with a spoon.
“I was screwed up before Ryan died. I think maybe I deserve someone like Jason.”
“I don’t follow your train of logic.”
“I’m so tired of trying.”
“No. You’re afraid to try in the first place.”
Avery sat her ice cream down on the coffee table. “How do you move on? After everything?”
“Honestly? What choice do I have? I have a son that needs me.”
“Good point.”
Nicole paused and looked away. “I spent the first six months being angry.”
“I know. I wanted to find that shooter and rip him limb from limb,” Avery said between gritted teeth.
“No. I was pissed at Ryan. For being there. For dying. For leaving me all alone with our newborn baby.” Nicole’s her face grew red
der with each word. “Then I felt guilty for being angry. It was a vicious circle and I’m not sure I’ve moved on.”
Avery put her face in her hands. “What a mess.”
“Life is messy,” Nicole agreed and fixed her gaze out the window.
“I wish I had a crystal ball.”
“If I had a crystal ball, I probably would have never had Ike. Every decision I made led me to right here, right now. I made a million bad choices, Avery. But good things did come from them.”
“So what are you trying to say? That everything happens for a reason?” Avery shook her head at Nicole in disbelief.
“No. There was no reason for Ryan to get shot in the fucking E.R.!” Nicole snapped back. Her face crumbled and Avery was stunned. All she could do was stare in shock. Nicole worked through her sobs and Avery tried to think of something comforting to say, some words of wisdom.
I got nothing.
The doorbell rang. Nicole was still a mess and grabbed for a box of tissues.
“Can you get that?” She managed to choke out the words. Grateful for the timely interruption, Avery went for the door. When she swung it open, Aaron held out two pints of Ben & Jerry’s as if it were a peace offering.
“I thought you might need these for your John Mayer hate-fest.”
“It’s for you,” Avery called as she headed for the kitchen to get Aaron a spoon. When she returned, Aaron had Nicole pressed to him, and her face buried in his chest. She heard Nic trying to speak, but what she was trying to communicate was unintelligible.
“Shh ... Hey. Hey, Nicki. It’s gonna be okay,” he murmured as he stroked her hair. Avery took the ice cream and put it in the freezer. She thought how unfortunate it was that this couple, who should be in their honeymoon phase, was struggling with so much baggage and so many other people’s issues. She knew that the Wonderland was an epic failure and that what Nicole really needed was Aaron. She put on her coat, and with a weak smile, waved to him. Wearing a hard expression, he nodded at Avery in understanding.
As she drove home, she nervously anticipated the cold reception she expected from Shilah.
Thankfully when she got home, he was in bed asleep. The following morning she reluctantly dragged herself from bed when she heard him in the kitchen. She trudged past the Christmas tree on her way through the living room. Her family had a long standing tradition of dressing the tree together, and now the twinkling lights and sparkling tinsel was just another bitter reminder that nothing would ever be the same.
She’d entered the kitchen to see Shilah cooking breakfast in her fluffy pink robe. Seeing his dark bare chest made her want to peel the robe from his body.
“Are you hungry?”
“Mm hmm. That is definitely your color,” she joked. He didn’t look up and didn’t respond. The past few days he’d grown quieter and quieter. She reached out and stroked his hair, but he pulled away.
“I’ve gotta go to work.”
“But it’s Saturday.” She pouted.
“I know. Some things aren’t adding up. I need to look into it a bit more.” He continued to refuse eye contact. Avery started to get nervous.
“Well, you’ll have to make it up to me later.” Her attempt at a joke fell flat.
“Where’s this going, Aves?” Shilah slammed the pan down a little too forcefully on the stovetop. “Ever since I moved in, it seems like the only time you have time for me is when you want sex.”
“What? Whoa. Where’s this coming from all of a sudden?”
“If we ever actually talked, you’d know this wasn’t sudden. I need to know what’s up with you. What are you thinking?”
“I enjoy having you here in my bed. Is that what this is about?”
“Wow. This is the longest conversation we’ve had since I moved in.”
“I’m not really sure what you want from me. I’m trying.”
“I can’t be in a relationship by myself, Avery. If I’m going to be alone, I may as well be back at the hotel.”
“Shilah, I invited you here.” Avery’s exasperation was clear in her voice. She was tired of being pushed and was beginning to feel trapped. The pressures at home had been affecting her work. She had been double-booking events and was just scattered, in general. She’d been avoiding her father, and he was starting to notice. “You know what? I’m going to go for a run.”
“Of course you are.” She heard him mutter as she left the room to change.
Avery huffed cold air into her lungs. The Overlook Trail appeared harsh in the early morning fog. All of the beautiful leaves from weeks before had fallen from the stark trees and Avery heard snow crunch under her running shoes as she suffered her morning run.
The trail was kicking her ass today.
She nearly slipped in the snow as her foot came down on a large stick in the center of the trail. Malaise made it impossible to work out with her usual fierceness.
As she neared the end of the trail, she started her post-run stretch. She cleared the trees and saw Lauren, all tan and relaxed looking, leaning against her car expectantly. Lauren looked at her phone.
“’Bout time. You need to get the lead out of your ass, Aves.”
“Bite me.” She gasped and bent over, placing her hands on her knees.
“Why are you out here running? Aren’t you getting enough exercise between the sheets?”
Avery opened her car door and pulled out her water bottle. She swigged a huge gulp of water, as if to wash away the sore subject. Shilah had made himself very available to her since moving it in, but the more he was there, the more Avery pulled back. She wasn’t sure if it was him moving in, her mother’s betrayal, or the fact that she’d shared the same bed with Jason during their spectacular failure. Her thoughts were a tornado. Usually a run helped clear her mind and focus her, but somehow today, it just made things worse.
“How was Grand Cayman?” The subject change bought her some time outside her own messy head.
“So beautiful. A much-needed break. Missed the girls like crazy, though. How are things with Shilah?”
“They’re going.” Avery folded her arms across her chest as if fighting the chill in the air.
“Jack and I discovered a lot of new things about each other while we were away; which is impressive, considering our four years as a couple. Sometimes you just have to put your head down and push through with your heart.”
Avery nodded, not sure how else to respond.
“Jack tolerates my crazy like a trouper. He puts up with my depression and loves me in spite of myself. It’s funny how I can fall in love with my husband over and over again.”
“You’ve got one of the good ones.”
“Yep. He’s a keeper.”
“What the hell are you doing out here, Lauren?”
“Came to talk to my mom.” Lauren nodded in the direction of the cemetery. Avery raised her eyebrows, taken off guard. She’d been so lost in her own drama she hadn’t been sensitive to her friend’s mourning. Lauren’s mom battled leukemia when they were kids. Though they hadn’t been friends at the time, Avery watched Lauren miss a lot of school their freshman year. When she was there, she wasn’t really there. Somehow Lauren’s resilient spirit pulled through and she had come out on the other side even more bubbly and outgoing. Avery felt like a total bitch for wallowing the last two years as if she were the only one to ever lose someone.
“Do you do that often? Visit her, I mean?” Avery hadn’t set foot in the cemetery since the funeral.
“Sometimes I just have to come out and tell her what’s going on with the girls and have a good cry. Some days I can’t remember what her voice sounded like, but then I hear a song she loved and I remember some random moment with her and fall apart all over again. It’s kind of like a shiatsu massage for the soul. Hurts so good. Not sure if that’s healthy or crazy, but it’s what I do.”
Avery picked at the label on her water bottle uncomfortably.
“It’s okay to mourn, Avery. It’s okay to be mad.
And sad. Everyone mourns differently. Trust me. Eventually you’ll be able to look back and smile and laugh at the happy memories.”
Avery shifted her eyes to her friend and frowned, giving her a curt little nod.
“Lauren, I just don’t know how to deal with it. What’s wrong with me?” Lauren put her arm around Avery and gave her a side hug.
“I wish I had the answers for you, hun. It’ll get easier when you face it. I think you know that deep down. Look where you choose to come run every day. Maybe you should stop running. Turn around and look at what it is you’re running from.”
Avery nodded and said nothing. Lauren climbed in her minivan and drove away. Avery stood in the cold for five long minutes before turning to the cemetery.
As she wove her way toward the far back corner, she mentally put on her armor. Her legs felt like they were wearing heavy boots, and she wasn’t sure if it was from the run or her hardcore fear trying to pull her back in the direction of her car. As she neared the Harper mausoleum, she busied herself, picking up an old discarded program from a funeral of someone she was unfamiliar with that stuck up in the snow. As she walked by her grandparents’ graves, she glanced at the dates. They’d both lived into their late seventies. In fact, as she glanced around, she realized that she came from very hearty stock. When her eyes finally rested on Ryan’s tombstone, the dates revealed a mere twenty-seven years. His birth date and death date peeked out from between the snow-dusted gifts left behind by mourners. Harsh truth was chiseled on cold marble. His brief life was snuffed out, and seeing the evidence nearly brought her to her knees.
She swallowed hard and it felt like a golf ball was stuck in her throat. She brushed off his grave, silently cursing the groundskeeper for his ineptitude. When she kicked at a small drift, she revealed a pack of Big League Chew propped up against the tombstone. Grief forced her to her knees and she collapsed into a sitting position.
The Perpetual Quest for the Perfect Life Page 21