by Joanna Sims
“Dan would be proud,” Luke agreed. “Speechless actually, which would’ve been a switch.”
“True.” Sophia laughed.
As Sophia slowly sipped on her tea and focused her eyes on the fire, Luke focused his eyes on her. His eyes traveled over every feature of her face; he loved the way the firelight cast a golden hue across her honey skin. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. He loved every angle of her face, every laugh line around her eyes; the quickness of her smile. As far as he was concerned, Sophia had always looked like an angel. And he adored her.
The harsh truth was that he had imagined himself in this very situation with Sophia many times over the past ten years. Of course, in his fantasies, she was never across the room from him; she’d be right next to him, where he could keep his hands on her at all times.
This fantasy come to life was more bitter than sweet, because his brother was gone. But nothing would change the fact that he loved being with Sophia. And, for him, being with her now put a much-needed salve on the wound that Dan’s death had carved into his heart. Now that baby boy Sophia was carrying was another much-needed salve. He already loved the boy as his own.
“What are you thinking about?” Sophia had turned her face toward him, and now their eyes were locked.
“Dan.”
A small smile lifted her bow-shaped lips. “Me, too. What were you thinking?”
“I was wondering if he knew he was going to be a father.”
Sophia took a deep breath in and felt her gut clench. It took her a minute to compose herself before she gave a small shake of her head. “He didn’t. It’s strange how life works out, isn’t it? We hadn’t planned on having a family until he was finished with his Ph.D. We had everything planned out, you know? Everything. Then, the next thing I know, Daniel comes home and says he’s joined the army. Just like that.” She snapped her fingers. “I was literally blown away. And furious, to tell you the truth.” She glanced away from the fire to Luke for a split second. “I’ve never been that angry in my life! And, believe me, I let him know about it every chance I got. I wish I hadn’t now.”
“You can’t blame yourself for that, Soph. If I had been within arm’s length of him, I would have personally strangled him myself! I don’t know what the hell he was thinking.”
“I know you’re right, but I can’t seem to forgive myself for that fight. I play it over and over in my head, and sometimes I can’t sleep. I know I shouldn’t drive myself nuts like that, but my brain just won’t give it a rest. I said some pretty horrible things to him that night. Things that I should never have said...”
She paused her story for a minute while she pressed her fingers to the corner of her eyes. After a minute she shook her head and continued. “He’d never even mentioned joining the army, Luke. Not once, in all the years we had been together. It was like boom, boom, boom.” Sophia hit the arm of the chair with her hand. “One minute he had joined, and the next minute he was gone to officer training. Then, the next thing I know, he’s saying he’s going to Iraq. It was like being on a rollercoaster ride against my will and I couldn’t get off!” She looked at Luke with a slightly accusatory set to her mouth. “He never told you why he joined?”
“No,” Luke said flatly, but she heard anger creep into his voice. “I was hoping you had an answer to that question.”
She crossed her arms over her chest and stared sullenly into the fire. “Well, I don’t.” She could hear that same old bitterness in her tone, never far from the surface. “I thought if he had told anyone why he did something that crazy, something that totally out of character, it would’ve been you. If it hadn’t been me, at least he could have told you.” She forced the bitterness that had bubbled up back down. It was pointless to be bitter, so she squashed it. Temporarily if not permanently. “I asked him, of course. I was like a bloody broken record....”
Luke made a noise in the back of his throat. “I bet you were....”
“But time and time again he wouldn’t give a straight answer. He kept on saying that he thought it was his duty as an American, which is exactly the kind of crap I used to hear you say about being a marine.” She held up her hand to him. “No offense.”
“None taken.”
“I even blamed you, but he denied you had anything to do with it....”
“He didn’t tell me until after he’d already done it. I’ve never been that damned angry in my life....”
“I knew in my heart that you hadn’t talked him into it, you know.” She shrugged one shoulder. “I just wanted someone to blame. For a while that someone was you. Sorry.”
“No apology needed. I blamed myself. Why shouldn’t you?” Luke asked angrily.
“It wasn’t your fault.” Her reply was quick and firm. “Daniel had a mind of his own. Why he did it, none of us will ever know. But, in the end, it was his choice, his price to pay. Anyway, we didn’t have many pleasant conversations right up to the time he left. I couldn’t accept what he had done, and I picked fights with him every chance I got.”
“You were scared.”
“I was. But I still feel guilty about it. We fought at the end more than not. But he blindsided me, and that wasn’t fair either. We discussed everything, everything, in our marriage, or at least I thought we did. And here I was so smug about my marriage whenever my friends would complain about their relationships. I never had anything bad to say about Daniel.” She smiled. “Other than the fact that he snored and hogged the bed.”
She rested her head in her hand and took a minute to imagine Daniel in their bed: naked, lean, totally sexy. Luke watched the expression on her face change from sweet to almost sensual. The lids of her eyes dropped, her full lips parted, and he could see that her breathing had deepened almost imperceptibly. But he noticed. He noticed everything about her.
“But you still never got it out of him,” he said to jump-start the conversation again.
Sophia slid her eyes toward him. “Hmm? Oh, no. I never did. The only decision he ever made without me, and it turned out to be the most important decision of our lives.” Her hand moved over her stomach. “All of our lives.”
“And the baby?” Luke prodded.
Sophia’s hand stilled and rested on her stomach. “Daniel surprised me with a visit right before he shipped out. I hadn’t been expecting him, we were out of condoms, and one thing led to another....”
“You’re kidding...”
The look on Luke’s face was comical in its surprise and she couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. “My husband had just shipped out. Why would I restock the condoms?”
Luke leaned back and propped his hands on the top of his head. He nodded toward her stomach. “It’s a good thing you didn’t. Now we have a piece of Daniel.”
Every time Luke said something positive about her son, it made her soften toward him. She couldn’t help herself. “Just think, if he hadn’t come home for a visit, I wouldn’t be having his son right now.”
“Or, if he had stopped off for condoms.”
“Touché. But I think I’ll keep that little fact from Danny... Why give him a complex, right?”
“Good call.”
“You know, I have no idea why I told you that...I haven’t told anyone that story, not even my best friend!”
“Your secret is safe with me.”
She narrowed her eyes playfully at him. “Do you swear?”
Luke reached down and made an X over his heart. “Cross my heart. Dan Junior won’t hear it from me.”
“I’d appreciate it,” Sophia bantered back. She was beginning to understand Luke’s sense of humor. It was irreverent and it made her laugh. It felt good to laugh, and with Luke, she had been laughing wholeheartedly for the first time since Daniel’s death.
After a moment, when they both stopped laughing, Luke prompted her to continue. “So, he didn’t know you were pregnant?”
“No. I didn’t know myself until I was two months along. By then...”
&nb
sp; “He was gone,” Luke filled in for her as her words trailed off. Dan wasn’t made for combat. He had been the sensible one of the two of them. He had been the brains; Luke was the brawn. He had been killed in an explosion soon after he had arrived in Iraq.
“Yes,” Sophia said softly. “By then he was gone.” Sophia paused and then glanced over at Luke. “Don’t worry, Captain, I’m not going to start crying.”
“If you won’t, maybe I will,” Luke said dryly.
Instead, it was Ranger who cried at Luke from beside the couch; Luke scooped him up and the kitten happily curled up on Luke’s chest, closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep.
Sophia pulled the blanket tight under her chin and curled up in the chair. Once again, little Danny insisted on jamming his feet underneath her ribs; it felt as if he were using her ribs as a springboard in order to do a full somersault.
“Hey,” she said as she poked the baby in her belly with her fingers. “Why do you have to be so rough in there?”
“Like father, like son,” Luke murmured, his eyes closed.
“Exactly,” Sophia said. Then added, “Like uncle, like nephew, too, I think.”
Luke said proudly, “Brand boys.” He moved his head sideways and looked at her.
“You know,” Sophia continued, “one of the strangest things about this whole pregnancy thing is that the minute I stop moving, that’s when he decides he wants to have a little party in there. It’d be nice if we could both be still at the same time!”
“That’d be too easy,” Luke said, and then, after a brief pause, “could I feel him moving? You know, like I did before?”
Sophia shrugged. “It could happen, I’m sure, but another strange thing about it is that for some reason, when someone touches my stomach, he stops moving. Thank God for the internet so I know all of this stuff and don’t freak out when it happens.”
“I’d like to feel him moving around again.”
“You sound like you love him.”
“I do,” Luke said easily and without hesitation. “Dan’s son is my son, too.”
If she hadn’t sworn off hormonal crying, this would have been a perfect time to indulge. Luke’s words made her feel more secure than she had felt in a long time. For some reason, at that moment, it seemed to her that she wasn’t going to have to raise little Daniel without a strong male influence.
“I’m glad,” Sophia finally said once she felt safe to talk without crying. “I’m really glad to hear that.”
“I know you can’t trust it yet, Sophia, but I’m here for you. That’s a fact.”
They spent the rest of the evening in comfortable companionship. She asked Luke to tell her Daniel stories, and after a good dose of strong coffee, Luke told one story after another until the caffeine started to wear off. Sophia had closed her eyes while Luke talked, and occasionally allowed herself to drift into a place where she could imagine that Daniel was in the room talking to her. Luke’s voice was so similar to Daniel’s that it wasn’t hard to do; in that moment, she had Daniel back with her, and it was priceless.
She didn’t know when she fell asleep, but the next thing she knew, Luke was gently shaking her leg to wake her up. She slowly opened her eyes and blinked at him.
“Did I fall asleep?”
“Yes,” Luke said wryly. “So much for my riveting storytelling.”
Sophia glanced over at the fire. It had died down and Luke had the grate back in place. “Sorry.”
He offered his hand. “You ready for bed?”
“You’re not mad, are you?” She held out her hand.
“Please,” he said as he engulfed her hand with his strong, warm fingers. He pulled her up. “I’m used to women falling asleep on me.”
She wrinkled her forehead at him and said groggily, “Now I’m gonna say, ‘Please...give me a break, Captain Brand.’ You had women crawling all over you in college. I’m sure it’s not any different now.”
Just not the one I wanted to crawl all over me.
He offered her his arm and out loud, he said, “There were a lot of women with very bad taste at that school.”
She took his arm and frowned at him playfully. “That’s a horrible thing to say. I thought most of your girlfriends were really pretty and nice. Except for that cheerleader you dated, remember her? She was a real tramp.”
He looked down at her. “Why don’t you tell me how you really feel about her?”
She frowned. “Well, she was. But, other than her, I thought you had really good taste. Honestly, I never understood why you didn’t settle down with one of them eventually.”
Because none of them were you.
“I wanted to save them the trouble of divorcing me,” Luke said dryly as he looked over his shoulder and whistled for Ranger. “Come on, little man.”
The kitten trilled, stuck his tail straight up in the air and raced to catch up with them.
Sophia liked the feeling of having her hand on his forearm. She liked the feeling of walking beside him. And it wasn’t just because he reminded her of Daniel. This time, this particular evening, she discovered that she was enjoying walking next to Luke; standing this close to Luke, just for Luke.
She was just too tired to try to analyze it. It just was.
A question was formulating in her fuzzy head, and the curious side of her brain was fighting with the cautious side. Finally, the curious side won out and she tried to sound nonchalant when she asked the question. “Are you seeing anyone now?”
She didn’t sound half as casual as she would have liked. And, for some reason, her heart was beginning to thump in the most annoying way as she anticipated his answer.
Luke cocked an eyebrow at her as he helped her up the stairs. “Why do you ask?”
Sophia shrugged as if she couldn’t care less. “No reason, really. Other than the fact that my friend Allie...remember her?” Luke nodded. “Well, I told her you were here and she said that she thought you were handsome....”
“Ah...I see. You’re trying to fix me up...” There was a bite in his tone that made her glance at his strong, handsome profile.
“Well...” Sophia said slowly, “if you aren’t with anyone...and she’s single...”
“Allie is a beautiful woman,” Luke said easily.
Sophia’s eyes quickly found his face again. There was something in his tone she didn’t like. He sounded interested, and the compliment made her feel a pang of jealousy.
“Yes, she is,” she agreed quickly, and meant it.
“And a great mom,” he added.
Another pang. “The best. You should give her a call sometime. She’s single now and...”
He cut her off. “I’m not in the market for a woman like Allie.”
Relief flooded her body. “Why not?”
“Allie’s the type of woman you settle down with.”
“And you aren’t ready to settle down?”
“No,” he said decisively. “I’m not.”
She just couldn’t give up the conversation, even when she knew she should leave it well enough alone. “But you do date...?”
“What’s with all of the questions about my love life?” Luke evaded the question.
“What’s with the secrecy?” she countered, and wondered if her cheeks were starting to redden with embarrassment.
“No secrecy. I have several women who I...keep company with.”
She knew exactly what “keeping company” meant. And why not? Luke was an unmarried, red-blooded, American male. Why shouldn’t he be involved sexually with women? And yet, she didn’t like the idea at all.
At the top of the stairs, Sophia’s brain was whirling with possible images of the women in Luke’s life. Who were these women? How many were there? How often did he see them?
She shouldn’t care one bit if he was seeing ten thousand women! She had zero reason to be jealous. No right. None whatsoever.
But she was so filled up with it at the moment that she was surprised her eyes hadn’t turned a brig
ht shade of green.
She should keep her mouth shut, and yet she couldn’t seem to do just that. Nor could she keep the disapproving tone out of her voice when she asked, “So, what is it...a ‘woman in every port’ kind of thing?”
Luke was examining her with a curious, slightly amused expression on his handsome face. “Something like that,” he said easily. Too easily for her taste.
Sophia tried to stop herself from frowning and failed. Then she managed to muster a tired smile. “Good night, Luke.”
He had the distinct feeling that he had hurt her in some way, but he would be damned if he knew what it was. He didn’t want her to leave on a bad note, not after such a great day together. “You don’t approve?”
She paused in her doorway. “It’s your life, Luke. Who am I to judge?”
“Your opinion matters.”
“It shouldn’t,” she said wearily as she started to shut her door.
“I feel like I’ve done something to upset you, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out what it is....”
Sophia mustered a weak smile; she was acting like a lunatic. “You haven’t done anything, Luke. Your personal life is really none of my business. I was just passing along the message from Allie.”
“So, you aren’t mad?” Luke asked.
“No. I’m not mad at you, Luke. I’m exhausted, pregnant and just a little bit nuts. I’ll feel better after I get some sleep. Good night.”
“Good night.” Luke watched as Sophia disappeared into her room before he went into his. By the time he made it into his room, Sophia had already closed the adjoining bathroom door and was preparing for bed. He sat on the edge of the bed and listened to her go through her nightly routine. He liked being this close to her, and something as simple as listening to her prepare for bed gave him a sense of intimacy with the woman he loved. There had been a lot of women in his life; he loved women and they seemed to gravitate toward him. But he’d never found another woman who could replace Sophia in his heart. He had tried. Many times. He had always failed.
Sophia crawled into bed feeling exhausted and confused. Luke kept on tying her into knots in one way or another. She was hoping in time things would make sense, because right now they didn’t. She listened as Luke prepared for bed and wondered about the women in his life.