Weeping, she went to him and took his hands. He pulled her up in his arms and cradled her against him. He was so tender; she knew he was sorry this had happened. She knew he had not meant to hurt her.
“God, Arianna, it’s over between us, isn’t it? I’ve ruined everything. I’ve wrecked our chance at being together. You’re right; it is you that I want. I love you, darling, I love you. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t the right thing for me. It was the right thing for my Mum and Patty Jo. I’ve screwed up everything now for everyone. How could you ever forgive me now for being with her?”
“My darling, my love, do you mean that? Do you love me still?”
“You are my only love. Come to me, make love to me. Please forgive me.”
Her emotions were roller coasting in her head. Trying to jostle into some order all the things that he had said to her, she tried to steady herself. Part of the dagger he had placed in her heart was now removed. She would have to work on the rest later. Her pure relief that he was not leaving her, at least for this moment, overcame everything else.
He carried her into the bedroom, pulling on the zippers of her skirt with his teeth. He slid her skirt off easily while his hands continued to touch her body. He consumed her and she was helpless to not respond to his ardent love. He was hungry for her as never before. They were on the brink of going down like the Titanic and somehow they survived this storm. She was immersed in this moment of love with him, only him and always him. They lay making love, over and over again, as if it were the last day on the earth for them both. Sweating and weak, they clung to each other for strength. She held him tightly, fearing he would disappear in front of her.
“Adam, put me in your pocket and carry me with you always so that I never have to be without you again. I feel like I died when you told me that and now I have been reborn.”
She tilted her head to look up at him.
“Darling, are you sure this time, am I going to leave you tonight to find that you will no longer be mine tomorrow? You’re going to spend five days with her, in the same bed— in the same hotel room. You’ll be surrounded by your family and everyone that wants the two of you to get back together. What will I do if you change your mind again?”
“You have to trust me. I almost ruined everything between us and you, my angel, forgave me. I won’t take the chance to lose you again. She will go crazy when I tell her but her new boyfriend will take care of her. He is all she really needs, not me. My Mum’s going to be disappointed, she was excited to think about us trying to work it out.”
The phone started ringing and they both jumped. He said he knew it was Patty Jo calling; he was to be at her house by 9:00PM and that he had promised her he would spend the night.
“Are you going to answer?” Arianna asked.
“No way—I told her I had to talk to you about everything. She didn’t want me to see you and I said there was no way I wasn’t going to tell you in person. She knows I’m with you and if I don’t show up, she’ll know what that means. What a mess I’ve made of everything for everyone. I’ve screwed up everybody without meaning to hurt anyone.”
The phone continued to ring consecutively and Adam grabbed her and said, “Let’s get out of here. I wouldn’t doubt it if she came looking for me.”
They went to Webster’s and while they stood in line, she gripped his hand as if her very breathing depended on him not letting go. She knew she would never again be sure if he belonged to her alone and never again feel safe in his love but what was the choice, to leave him—never.
“Settle donn, girl, I’m not going to leave you.”
“I want to believe you. You said that to me before and I never doubted anything you ever said…until now. If you planned on saying good-bye once, why wouldn’t it happen again?”
“I know right now it will be hard for me to convince you of anything. I just have to prove myself to you. You’re my woman and that’s the way it will be forever.”
The way he was holding her now made her calm down. They slow danced and laughed once more.
When they returned to his place, she wanted to stay but was terrified that Patty Jo would show up.
“I think I will go now. I can’t help thinking she will walk in any minute. I’m the one who doesn’t belong. She’s your wife.”
“No, this isn’t her place anymore, she left here wanting us to separate. That wasn’t my decision. Don’t go. I can sleep on the plane tomorrow.”
The phone began ringing again even though it was 2:00 in the morning; neither of them was surprised by it but still they were unsettled.
“Just let it ring. At least we’ll know she’s not on her way over as long as the phone is ringing.”
They made love to the sound of the phone’s ringing bells and with Arianna knowing it was his wife who was calling. It was a strange feeling, the shattering of reality calling.
“You’ll never get up tomorrow. Your plane leaves at 6:00AM.”
“We’ve stayed up just as late and I’ve gone to work. I’ll be all right. I didn’t want you to leave without you knowing I do love you. I don’t want you to worry while I’m gone. I’m yours and only yours from now on.”
“Adam, when you make love to me, I feel like you’ve been mine forever. Your passion brings me such intense pleasure. It is the stuff of legends and white horses. You are the guy every little girl dreams of coming into her life. I can’t think about losing you especially after those beautiful words you just spoke. I won’t think about it.”
“It’s not me, it’s you. No one has ever pleased me the way you do. I am just reacting to your love. I was never like this before with anyone else. Sometimes when I’m at work and I start thinking about you, I’ve burned myself at the tooling machine. I’m in trance thinking about making love to you. I’ve never known a woman like you.”
“Please, darling, can we make a pact so that when I leave here, I know I’ll be able to return and that you’ll still be mine. I think I will go crazy thinking about the two of you together and wondering every minute if somehow she has changed your mind again.”
“Girl, I know what happened was horrible for you and for me too, because I realized I betrayed our love. I didn’t mean to do that. I was victim to some powerful influences from my Mum and Patty Jo’s newfound interest in starting a family. I guess I wanted to make my Mum happy. I love my Mum a lot, we’re so close and I wanted to please her but I can’t. She loves me enough to understand that. I’ll talk to her this weekend. You have to trust me, even though it will be hard for you. I don’t want you suffering while I’m gone and being miserable around your boys. Have fun, and think of me because I’ll be thinking of you.”
“Good-bye my love, be well and safe and come home to me. Come home to me always.”
Even though she and Chris were legally separated, they still lived together so they could take care of the boys. Arianna would leave to go out in the evening only after they were asleep. They would never even know that she had left. Chris seemed agreeable to this because they alternated evenings when each of them would go out. It might have seemed strange to the outside world but they had become like business associates rather than marriage partners and neither of them felt comprised by the others actions. The only thing, of course, at this point, because the children still had both their parents in the house, they were not yet affected by this turning point but that would come soon enough.
When she returned home, she gathered up her sleeping children and held them in her arms. Their sweet life around her restored some of her shattered heart. He had reassured her but now as soon as he was out of sight and she knew he was with her, again, she felt broken and unsure of their relationship. Still his words of confession that he had slept with Patty Jo rocked her into uncertainty and pain. She wondered if she would ever feel grounded again with him.
She tried unsuccessfully to block his words from echoing around her head. She knew there was no one she would make love to, no one. Not
movie star, millionaire or monarch would have made her falter in her devotion to him. It’s not good to love someone that much, she thought, it’s a recipe for a fool. Yet, what could she do about it, it was the way she felt and she could no longer imagine her life without him, no matter what the sacrifice.
The next days dripped by like molasses rolling over a scorched tree. Slow and painful, the wait was for her, wondering every minute what he was doing and if he would return to her.
Chapter VIII
Return to Love
Arianna spent time with the boys and setting up the schedule for the cigarette promotion. The laughter of the children was music to her and soothed her spirit. Hungry for answers, for a new direction, she would analyze and try to decide what to do.
She was on the phone trying to book the promotion over the loud giggling of the boys. When she returned to the great room, the boys jumped up and ran to hide inside the kitchen cabinet (their favorite spot). The one oversized cabinet was almost bare; she had left it that way for them. They were small enough; they each of them could crawl onto one of the shelves and hide. Walking into their bedroom, she realized what all the laughter was about. They had removed about 25 cans of food from the pantry and taken each one and laid them on a paper plate all around the room. They hadn’t left one can alone. It probably wasn’t the best disciplinary measures, but all she did was laugh with them and let them play. It was a mess but that’s what little boys do. She thought, that’s what big boys do also, they make a fair amount of mess too.
She worried about Adam’s comments about having children and wondered if it ever got that far that she would divorce, would he be able to be a dad. Could he love her children? But dealing in harsh realities was not her strong point and fantasies were more adapted to her mind.
For now, she dismissed these things from her mind. She knew she had to or she would become paralyzed. She took the boys out for pizza and then they went home to snuggle on the couch and watched cartoons.
After they were asleep, she was busy preparing her material for teaching the modeling classes and verifying through phone calls that everything was a “go” for the cigarette promotion. They would be canvassing a large area in a few short weeks. As she was the supervisor in charge of hiring, she had asked Adam if he wanted to participate. It was a nice little chunk of extra cash and they would be working in couples. He would be with her for the duration of the promotion and she was looking forward to that, that is, if all went well. He would have to carry two full time jobs to do it but he acted as if he was looking forward to it. Nothing was certain after his recent revelations to her.
By Saturday, he had still not contacted her. He had been gone almost three days. She had hoped he would call but had to keep reminding her of his promise. Chris was with the boys and being alone made her agitated and she considered that she may as well go out then stay home and suffer. She started to get dressed then lay back against the bed. Looking up at the ceiling, she pondered the possibilities of her life. If she divorced, she would probably lose her home and a great deal of money. Everything they had built in just a few years would be split in two. Chris’s favorite thing to do was drink beer and watch TV. When the boys were first born, he had made an effort at being a good father, now he was back to hanging out in sports bars.
She decided not to go out. She would just wait out the verdict. On Monday, she would have the answer, one way or another. At least, tonight, she could still believe that he was still hers.
Monday’s arrival found her frantic. She could not be still and immersed herself in paperwork and chores. Tonight he would tell her everything; it would be the beginning or the end of her dreams. Soon, the answers would come.
She was entranced by the misty, devil blue of the night. It seemed to pull something out of her like a magician groping for his prop. It stirred her senses and made her feel a crushing need to be alive, alive in the nature of love, of happiness, of utter joy. This is what life is intended for, for us to voraciously dig in and let our appetite grow. She did not want to wander in the jungle of a nameless adventure. Feeling the ridges of life with tender fingertips and holding onto the edge— that was all right with her.
Holding her breath, she knocked. What seemed like a lifetime later, he opened the door. She braced herself in the event that Patty Jo might be standing beside him. She had expected the worse.
But instead he stood there looking at her with an ardent glaze, like the first time they danced. He seemed almost humble.
Holding out his hand to her he said, “Hi, girl, I’m so damn glad to see you. I kept thinking you wouldn’t be able to forgive me and you wouldn’t show up tonight. I wanted to call you but I was afraid of what you might say. It was so wrong of me to be with her and I know what you must have gone through. There’s no way I can change what I did but I wish you could have seen me these last few days. You would have known how much I love you. My entire family was pushing me to be with her and I was going nuts trying not to argue with them at my brother’s wedding. I didn’t want to make any scenes for his sake. I told them all, this is one thing I have to do for myself, it’s only for me and Patty Jo to decide. My God, she was so upset; she broke out in hives while we were on the plane. The whole trip she was crying and scratching. I didn’t want that but I know in my heart, she doesn’t really need me. She has her boyfriend and we had years to work this thing out and it didn’t happen. I thought she was going to kill me she was so angry.”
He hugged her and pulled her onto his lap and continued. “She kept trying to change my mind, but I told her it was no use, that I loved you and I wanted to be with you and that our chance had gone by. We tried it and it didn’t work. I have not tried with you yet and that’s the chance I want. I know what things will be like with her. Actually, they would be much worse, because of all that’s happened and she would never be able to forgive me for falling in love with you. We were happy once, when we were just kids, but we both grew up and changed and what we both want has changed. I could never be happy with her now because I would always be comparing her to you and there will never be anyone like you.”
He looked at her with great concern as if he were trying to read her mind. His words were lovely and gave her great relief, but there was an aching hurt in her and she could not stop thinking of him touching Patty Jo, kissing her and betraying her.
She smiled at him but still felt unsure about everything.
“Darling, please don’t ever stop telling me that. Tell me you love me every day of my life, for the rest of my life. Are you really sure this time? No more doubts, no more good-byes between us forever and ever. If you were to say good-bye again, you may as well just pick the pieces of me up and throw them away. I would be useless to anyone else. Can I ask…did you and her sleep in the same room?”
“Yes, I had to but we had double beds. She didn’t give up that easy. She tried to be intimate with me but I was so cold to her that all she did was start crying again. I hated that, I didn’t want to hurt her but I knew her new boyfriend would comfort her when we returned. She behaved badly but I didn’t get mad or hold it against her, I knew it was because of what I had said and did. She started slow dancing with all the guys there and even kissed a few. It was horrible for my Mum, she was embarrassed by all of it in front of the family. I knew she was trying to make me jealous and she just couldn’t accept that we weren’t getting back together. I think she thought she could stir things up and get me back. She kept trying to put her arms around me and I pushed her away. I kept telling her I didn’t love her anymore, but she kept saying that I did and she was sure of it. She said no one could ever take her place, that we were childhood sweethearts. I told her that was yesterday and those feelings don’t exist anymore.”
As much as she loved him, Arianna felt compassion for Patty Jo; she couldn’t imagine him saying those words to her. If that were to ever happen, her heart would turn to stone.
He said, “Come here and hold me, tell me you’ll never l
eave me. We have to be together forever because I know if I can’t make it with you; I couldn’t make it with anyone. I’ve never felt like this before and you, you’re about as perfect as any girl could get. How could I ever be with anyone else after knowing your loving ways?”
“It’s so good to hear you say those words. I’ve been sick since you’ve been gone. I wanted to believe that everything would be all right between us, but it wasn’t easy. Do you think she will keep trying to get back with you?”
“Maybe, I can’t say for sure. I was pretty cold. She kept saying it was only a matter of time and I would return to her. After all the years we have been together, she felt as if that was all the ties we needed. She said I barely knew you and that I couldn’t possibly be in love. But I feel I’ve had more love with you in this short time than I ever had with her. I’ve never been this happy; you have given me a great gift.”
The phone began its incessant ringing and Adam was sure it would be either Patty Jo or his mother.
“Come on, let’s go to Cowboy. The only person I want to talk to right now is you.”
Cowboy was a great change of pace. It had recently opened, as had many others, with a country theme. The movie, Urban Cowboy, had inspired a faux country trend. None of the themed country bars actually played country music but almost all had mechanical bulls and Texas style décor. The mechanical bulls were a rage and guys and girls alike tried their hand at riding them.
There was a line outside the door, as usual. Even though it was a Monday, the sultry weather beckoned you into its arms to enjoy the night.
Security went down the line checking ID’s and dress code. When they reached them, the bouncer spoke to Adam, “Sorry, you can’t come in without a shirt collar, new rules.”
Adam was wearing a muscle shirt, the kind that made him look like a gift from the Gods.
Sweet Sins Page 5