“Please, don’t ever compare yourself to my wife. You’re nowhere near her league. You were never good enough to be his wife.”
She felt dizzy and thought she would faint from his callous words. She tried to justify his remarks to his worry and fear for his brother’s safety but still had never before been spoken to with such hatred.
Without speaking another word, she opened the door and gestured for him to leave. He had taken a handful of clothes with him. It hardly seemed worth his trip unless the true purpose was to humiliate her.
Ashton came over and comforted her. She knew she would have never made it without the support for the girls and guys who had signed with the agency. Whether it was solicitous on their part or not, (hoping to be put in the front of the line), she didn’t care. They were fabulous to her, it demanded of her to get stronger.
Her bills were staggering. In one short month since he had left, she was in debt. After downing a few Margaritas’, Ashton and Arianna cooked up a plan to increase some of their revenue. Ashton would enter into the Skin Tight Nights contests that were prevalent in every disco club. Squeezing into the most alluring pasted on outfit you could get, the contestant danced one song and acted out with theatrical prance. The $500 first prize would be split between them if Ashton won. Arianna would spend time promoting her and getting the guys to vote and solicit for the agency and Ashton would do the dance. As the president of the agency, Arianna didn’t feel it was appropriate to enter but Ashton loved it. She loved the applause and whistles and was in her element. She had won two so far and this alleviated some pressure for both of them.
She went on day after day with Ashton, Chloe, Cheryl and many others helping her create her business, the only person missing, Adam. The days didn’t get easier; her daily writings in her diary chronicled her deteriorating mental state. Always remaining and haunting her was that still he had not contacted her.
Chapter XXII
New Prospective
It had been three months since he left. The summer rains pounded, dissipating her spirit even more.
Her eyes were closing as she started down I-275. Dangerously weak, she had started swerving the car, heading it towards the direction of the hospital.
The girl in the next bed had bandages around her damaged wrists. Arianna wondered what was so wrong in this young girl’s life. The elevator inside her head had somehow tossed her off with a resounding thud. She once thought she could handle anything. With her love gone, what was the use of fighting so hard anymore?
She sat aimlessly, watching the rain, watching and watching.
At dinner time, she sat with several other people in a stark room. She ate little. When the other troubled people there spoke, each telling their tale of desolation, it brought an acute awareness to her.
Dr. Anderson came to get her and she walked in slow motion behind him, barley able to make sense of all that had happened and how her once happy life had turned into this nightmare she was in right now. The hospital walls appeared to move and she wanted to run and keep running until she found him and turned her life around again.
“Everything you’re telling me Arianna, it sounds like the person who has the problem and should be in counseling is your husband.”
“Oh, no Dr., I forced him to leave. I was too selfish and wanted it all. I should have known a guy like him couldn’t stay in the situation I put him in. Raising someone else’s children, watching his wife start a business when that was all he ever wanted to do.”
“From what you have told me, it sounds like you have accomplished quite a bit for your young age. You have a home, two boys, and a budding business. Why do you think then that you are not good enough for him? Didn’t it take some talent and hard work to do all that?”
“Yes, it did but what does the business mean to me without his love. Nothing. I don’t care if I live in a shack with him but without him, I don’t care if it’s a mansion.”
“You’re telling me you don’t care if you lose your business or if you’re children are crying right now?”
“No, of course not, I care deeply about that.”
“Well, then, both can’t be true. You do care, from everything you’ve said and the fact that you are here right now, reaching out, asking for help and not just running away like he did. You’re trying to solve your problems.”
“There’s a reason why I took your appointment so late. I was assessing you during the day and watching you closely. While everyone else was drifting around, you were settled listening to the other people’s problems. You were empathizing with them, supporting them with your counsel, that doesn’t sound to me like a weak person or someone who can’t make it. You’re in a very difficult position but with all the resources within yourself, your boys and the support of your friends, you can make it. Then if he does return and you still want him back, your business will be thriving and you will have some financial success to lean on to sustain the relationship. After all, he won’t have been working and if you’re penniless too and even lose your home, how can you make it? You might even then lose your children. Sounds to me like you have a lot to fight and live for.”
“I don’t know if everything you’re saying is true but you’re right about not letting the people I care about down. They are depending on me and I love them.”
“We’ll have another couple sessions together and I want you to see me on an outpatient basis but I don’t think you belong in here. You belong with your boys and taking care of your business so that it doesn’t fall apart. You can’t do that from in here but I know you do need the additional support we can offer you. I think you can probably go home tomorrow afternoon. I’ll reassess you again but I’m sure that’s what it will be. You’re stronger than you think. You will make it.”
“You’re right. Being here is a shot of reality. I know I have problems but even with all the problems, I have a life worth fighting for and the potential still for a great life. The stories I listened to all day from other people that are really at a dead end made me realize how much hope I still have especially if my business succeeds. I do have a lot to live for. I know I’ll need support and the counseling and I am grateful for that. I have to make it. Thank you, Doctor.”
The next morning she checked out of the hospital, grateful to be alive again and thankful to be going home. She was happy she made the decision to come; it had turned her around and made her want to fight all the more. She would succeed and when he came back, he would be proud of her for having survived and made the agency work and he would love her and want her back. She believed it, or at least she felt she had to believe it to keep her sanity. Adam, my dearest love, where are you?
Chapter XXIII
Paramount’s Rise and Damon
Ashton and Arianna hit the nightclubs in an attempt to recruit people and it was working. Best bod contests, best tan and the like were a constant you could find at almost any kicking club. This was a lucrative playing field for prospective talent.
One such place, The Mousetrap, was where they met Stan the tan and beautiful. His chiseled features, tailored suit, precise hair and fantastic body still couldn’t compare to his charming and outgoing personality. If she had the power she would have picked him for America’s Top Male Model. He appeared to be someone who walked off of a cloud into the real world.
“I knew there was a reason why I came here tonight, I didn’t win the contest but I met you, Arianna. I’m sure when we hook up together, great things will happen. Ashton is hot. Is she with anyone?”
“She’s sort of, kind of almost engaged to a guy named Charlie, but she definitely keeps her options open. She could have her pick of most guys.”
“Girls put up with a lot from me too. They don’t understand the modeling stuff, they think it’s a bit much for a guy but I love it. I’ve been down to Miami and modeled there for a while. There’s a lot more happening there than in the bay area but my brother lives here and I can’t really support an independent lifestyle and
pursue this so he’s letting me stay there for free, I just have to do stuff like mow the lawn. I don’t mind at all if it gives me a shot at it. I know there’s a narrow window and I won’t to be a part of it somehow. If you ever need any guy help around the office, call me, I’ll be happy to help you get your place really going. I’d like to be in at the beginning.”
“Hon, you definitely are saying all the right things. You’re my new favorite. I will be in your debt and help promote you as best as I can. With you and Ashton at my side, it has to work for all of our sakes.”
Stan went on the floor to dance and Ashton tugged at her and said,
“That guy is too good to be true. If he signs with Paramount, it will not only be a coo but he will attract the girls as an extra benefit. He is gorgeous!”
“I hope he’ll become our fourth wheel. We need a guy to help balance us out. With you, Chloe and Stan, I think we finally have the right team assembled to do this thing and really get it off the ground.”
Stan grabbed Ashton and led her to the dance floor. She watched her best friend dancing with who she hoped would be another great friend. She felt new light entering into her, the ground starting not to move so much beneath her feet. With them aboard, this ship might finally right itself.
They were dancing to Hungry like the Wolf. The lights were jumping all around them and that’s how she felt, hungry, for success, for happiness. If only Adam was with her, how wonderful life would have been at this moment.
Stan turned out to be her right hand man and the left part of her heart. He not only was a boost to the agency, but took over for her when she was in sheer exhaustion mode. He substituted for her as master of ceremonies to allow her to work behind the scenes more and get the fashion show performance kicked up and recently he had begun teaching classes, the girls swooning at his presence. His stunning good looks and pure confidence attracted everyone to him.
Tonight he was assisting her at the Four Seasons Hotel where they were doing a charity benefit fashion show. They would get local TV coverage and they were doing an extravagant show. Because it was for charity, she was able to solicit many companies to contribute by donating props, balloons, ice sculptures and all manner of edible fair for the audience. It was a packed house. Even though all the participants would be unpaid for this event, over 50 of her models had volunteered to participate. Because of the volume of people included, the show would run seamlessly and no one would have to be on more than once.
The night was a success and they requested the agency do another event. The participants were ecstatic to see themselves on local news coverage and they also felt the night was a success. The agency was busy with requests for shows and auditions. Things were finally starting to happen. She was receiving more compliments than complaints.
Stan and Ashton had become a fixture at the agency; spending as much time there as Arianna, seeming to be obsessed with the rush of wondering what might happen next or if today was the day something grand would happen to change their lives.
Ashton was spending so much time with Arianna that her semi-fiancé Charlie was becoming distraught and had started showing up demanding what she was doing. Ashton proclaiming that she was “having the time of her life” did not appreciate his actions and was growing increasingly distant from him. Ashton and Stan’s assistance fueled her desires to make the agency work. She felt a fire was lit in her and slept little and worked ever harder.
It was late and Ashton was still at her home. Arianna knew she should encourage her to go home but she welcomed her company and it helped her make it through the night. Their discussions were almost always about how to promote the agency and get more auditions and work.
“Charlie is going to make me leave him for good. I love him but I’m too damn young to be having any lasso around my neck. I’m going to do what I feel like doing and if he doesn’t like it, he’ll have to find another girl. Besides I’m been thinking about sleeping with that guy, Neil.”
“Ashton, you don’t mean that. That guy would do anything for you. I can understand how he feels to come home from work and you’re not there anymore and you doing things with me and the agency. That’s probably devastating to him and he’s just lashing out. That’s probably the way Adam felt too.”
“Arianna, I do mean it. I’m totally attracted to Neil. Maybe I can sleep over her and bring him with.”
“Look, I don’t care as long as it’s on the weekend when the kids are not here. You’re a grown girl and can make your own choices. Charlie is going to really hate me now. If you guys break up, he will surely blame me for it.”
“I’m going to start taking advantage of all the hunks we meet. Why not? I’ve been with Charlie since I was 16 and that’s a long time to never know what it feels like to kiss another man or have another man adore you and chase after you.”
“I don’t know. I thought we were burning up the pavement now. How much more intense can it get?”
“Ah, you’ll see, you’ll see.”
And so began Ashton’s hungry lips upon undeserving males, greedy and willing for her amorous affections. At Mark Twain’s, their most frequent tryst, Ashton would pass from arm to arm. Arianna’s lips or arms never touched anyone. She watched her in wonder. Maybe it was a blessing not to be so in love as she was. Ashton seemed to love Charlie, and yet was able to play in this heavenly freedom of just reacting to her physical yearnings.
“Ashton, don’t you feel a little guilty about what you’re doing?”
“Why, he’s probably doing the same thing. He goes out all the time too. Have you ever known a guy who could be faithful? I’m still free and I’ll do as I please. What about you? Now that you’re legally separate from Adam, why don’t you start dating? All the guys we meet that want to be with you, you just freeze them out.”
“Maybe someday, but I’m not ready yet to be with another guy. If Adam never comes back, I suppose I’ll have to get a divorce. I thought Adam and I would grow old together. Never did I think we would get divorced. If I can’t make it with him, I can’t make it with anyone. I could never love anyone again like that. My devotion to him is limitless.”
“Look, I love you like a sister, woman, but I have to tell you this is the one thing I don’t get about you. You’re so strong otherwise but you let this guy walk all over you and you fall to pieces. He’s going to ruin your life and your chance to have a great business and happiness. Why would you go on loving someone who treats you this way? He left you; I know that hurts, but you should be mad as hell at him, not pining away over him like he’s some mythical god.”
“Unfortunately, that is still how I see him, even after he left me. I may not have been the right person for him, but he was for me. He was all I could have hoped for in a man. He loved me passionately. He made me feel like the most desired woman in the world. He talked to me for hours about things I’ve never spoken to anyone about and he listened. He listened with every bit of his soul and comforted and loved me. He was athletic and fun and crazy but that’s what I loved about him.”
“I still don’t understand you. What about the part where he leaves you? No hero would do that.”
“It was all too much for him, my business, the kids and losing his freedom. I shouldn’t have expected him to watch the kids when he got home from work, especially when they’re not his kids. It was too much, too soon. I don’t know. I know you’re right but that doesn’t stop me from still loving him. Someday he’ll return and I’ll be successful and beautiful and he’ll fall at my feet and beg me to come back to him.”
“I’d like to say for your sake I hope you’re right but I can’t see him doing that from what I know about him. I hope some other guy comes around and stops all this misery for you, somebody that deserves you. He’s been gone 5 months, I mean, come on. What if you had lost your house and your business or ended up in the hospital? I just don’t get why you still love him.”
“I know. It gets harder and harder for me to accept how little he mus
t have cared about me and the boys to do something like this but it’s like some curse. I still can’t see anyone but him in my eyes.”
“It’s only three weeks till Christmas and I hope there’s a hunk laying under your tree on the 25th with you on top of him.”
She rolled on the floor with laughter. “That doesn’t exactly sound horrible, but it could never happen.”
“Are we still having a Christmas party at your house?”
“Absolutely! It will be a blow out.”
“I thought you were just inviting the agency kids.”
“No way, we need some outside material, besides maybe they’ll become agency people. I invited some of the guys we talk to at Mark Twain and a couple of the other regulars from First Street Mining Company.”
“That sounds like a plan. How can I help?”
“I’m hoping you and Stan will come over early or even sleep over the night before. I’m going to make some big kettles of chili, and serve the usual bratwurst and hamburgers. Maybe you guys can bring some side dishes.”
The agency was developing better than she could have hoped but each step forward took tremendous effort. Her depression resulting from Adam’s absence consumed her. At one point shortly after he left, she had dropped to 85 lbs. She had sunken eyes and looked like a stick. She had fought to regain her weight and looks and get back on the track she was now on. Whatever happens now, she was determined to succeed with or without him.
Saturday night found her completely alone, the boys gone with Chris and none of her usual buddies like Stan and Ashton were around. She thought she would stay in and delve into her paperwork but by 11:00PM, the loneliness became too much and she ventured out to Mark Twain’s. She had avoided coming here because of the painful memories of her and Adam; this was once their lover’s playground.
She decided she would enter into the pool games because she still loved to play and it took her mind off of him. That’s what she was doing when he walked up and put his quarters on the table.
Sweet Sins Page 17