by Lindsey Beck
Janie had fallen asleep during her musings and was surprised to awaken in the driveway of their home. Nothing had changed much. The yard was a little out of control, her garden dead, but it still looked like her childhood home.
The truck door jerked open. Janie startled. She would never get used to this part. Her wheelchair was already outside the door and Matthew was scooping her into his arms. Janie’s breath caught in her throat as Matthew’s arms pulled her tight against his chest. No, she would never get used to this.
“Welcome home, Janie-bug,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. He gently lowered her down into the chair, briefly meeting her eyes with his own. Tears shimmered and threatened to spill down his rugged cheeks. Janie reached out and gently cupped his jaw. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
“She’s never going to learn how to get herself out of the car if you keep doing it for her,” a teasing voice called from behind her. Janie and Matthew both looked up to see Shelley approaching them, lugging a heavy bag full of supplies.
Janie grinned. Somehow, Jake had talked Shelley into taking a leave of absence and coming to stay with them as a part time nurse. Although she didn’t think it took much coaxing on Jake’s part, she was grateful just the same. Shelley had been another source of strength and calm during her rehab. And from what she understood was left in her therapy, she was going to need all the support she could muster.
Noise filtered into the front yard through the fence. Questioningly, she glanced from Shelley to Jake and Matthew. “We thought we’d have a little party to celebrate,” Jake sheepishly explained.
The gate broke open and suddenly, her closest family and friends were gathered around her all talking at once. Janie laughed in astonishment as she was caught up in hug after hug. She barely heard Matthew’s admonishments to take it easy over the roar of the crowd. It was then that she caught the scent of BBQ drifting on the breeze.
Tears gathered in her ears. Finally, she was home.
“Don’t you dare move me, Matthew Chambers,” Janie mumbled.
“Sorry. I thought you were sleeping.”
Janie squinted against the bright sun and grinned. “I was pretending so that everyone would leave.”
Matthew laughed as he plopped down beside her on the worn quilt. He had moved her to this spot earlier in the afternoon to enjoy the fellowship. Somewhere along the way, she had laid down and closed her eyes.
Matthew had worried that the surprise party had been too much for her and Jake, feeling the same, had started ushering the guests out of the backyard.
“Was it too much?”
“No. I enjoyed it,” Janie honestly answered. “But I was ready to be alone about an hour ago.”
Matthew moved to get up, but Janie’s hand on his arm stayed his decision.
“I didn’t mean that you had to go,” she whispered, pulling slightly on his arm. Quietly, he laid down beside her. It didn’t take much convincing. The spring sun was casting a warm glow about the yard and felt entirely too good on his skin.
“The sun feels so good,” she quietly purred, rolling onto her side to face him. It was the first time that they had been truly alone in months. Matthew rolled on his side and smiled. “I’m getting all kinds of good ideas for paintings just laying here in this amazing light.”
He laughed as he tucked a few wisps of hair back into her braid. His hand slid casually down her arm, resting against her elbow. “You and your paintings.”
“Hmmm. I haven’t painted or even sketched in so long. It feels like forever.”
“We will have to remedy that, but first let‘s get you walking so you can stand rather than sit behind that easel,” Matthew whispered.
“Matty?” Janie sleepily whispered
“Yeah?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For helping me…and not leaving me.”
She yawned, lazily and a smile tipped her lips. Matthew soaked up the beautiful picture that she made. The natural highlights in her hair glistened in the afternoon sun. Her skin had also lost some of the unhealthy pallor this afternoon. Her cheeks had become a beautiful rose color.
Softly he leaned forward and kissed the top of her head. A sigh broke across her lips, drawing his attention. Her lips were parted and with her rhythmic breathing, he knew she was asleep. She burrowed herself deeper into his chest, cuddling closer to him.
He groaned silently.
He was insane…or he loved torture.
Being with her like this was sheer, violent torture and he had to ask himself why he was gladly enduring it. In that instant, nothing in this world could have dragged him away from Janie’s side. Nothing could have pulled his arms away from her. He was having trouble remembering why he needed to stay away from her. His brain nor his heart could accept his rationalizations. She felt to good here by his side…it felt so right.
So why should he keep his distance? Why couldn’t he love Janie? Kiss her? Hold her? Spend the rest of his life making her smile?
Because Janie deserved someone better.
Matthew’s heart constricted. He didn’t want to think about it, but it was true. Janie deserved someone who was as innocent as she was. Someone without a scarred past and someone who had saved themselves for marriage.
Only God knew some of the things Matthew had done and he planned to keep it that way. He could never force his past on another…much less someone he loved as much as Janie.
He needed to start making the transition to move, but not right now. First, he would help her walk again. He would be there through her therapy and coach her through the difficult steps ahead. Then he needed to leave…for both of their sakes.
But he definitely wasn’t leaving now. And he had not intentions of disturbing Janie’s rest. Cuddling her closer, he tried to convince himself that was the only reason he was staying on the blanket.
When Matthew woke, it was already dusk. A blanket was covering Janie and Matthew. Glancing down, he found that Janie was still fast asleep on top of his arm. He moaned as he realized she had cut off his circulation. He was going to pay for that later.
Remorsefully, he gently rolled his arm, freeing himself from Janie. She shifted slightly, but didn’t wake. Matthew rubbed his eyes and then forced himself to move away from her.
Jake and Shelley were on the back patio. Both were too engrossed in their conversations to realize that he had awoken. Matthew was secretly happy for his best friend. Shelley seemed like a nice woman. She had helped Janie many times during her hospital stay, comforting her, praying with her and for her. She had a calm, steadiness about her that could only be attributed to God and Matthew was grateful for her presence.
Janie would need a lot of support in the next few months.
Matthew sighed dejectedly. Janie’s soft breathing permeated his thoughts. She was finally resting. There was no one here to interrupt her peaceful sleep with the need for more tests or blood work. The nightmare of the hospital was finally over and fully behind them but the future he planned looked dark and bleak without her.
What was he going to do? He knew he had decided to leave once Janie was walking again, but how in the world did you walk away from the woman you loved? Where would he go? Where would he live? How would he ever manage to forget her?
Quietly, Matthew stood to his feet and then gently scooped her up into his arms. He would never get tired of this. Her small body fit into his arms perfectly and sent shivers down his spine. Her head rolled slightly finding a pillow against his shoulder.
Matthew inhaled deeply. She smelled like warm sunshine and lavender.
God, what should I do?
Every moment he held her, the more he loved her.
“Matthew?”
“I need to use the bathroom,” she hoarsely croaked.
Matthew quickly backpedaled across the yard and retrieved the vacant wheelchair. Lowering her down, he hurried over to Shelley. Shelley discarded her card game, he
lping Janie maneuver her chair through the house to the closest bathroom.
“Shelley?”
“Yes, Sweetie?”
“I-I would like sometime alone please.”
Shelley stopped, her gaze finding Janie’s in the mirror. She seemed to search her countenance for a few moments before she relented with a nod.
“I’ll be right outside if you need me.”
“Please, don’t. I don’t know how long I’ll be,” Janie whispered, locking her gaze on the floor below her.
Shelley squeezed her shoulder. “Take your time.” She closed the door behind her.
Janie slowly exhaled. Her hands trembled as she worked to turn her chair towards the mirror. She had been avoiding the mirror since the accident. She hadn’t wanted to face the reality of what the accident had probably done to her body and she hadn’t wanted to face it with an audience.
Now, there was no one here to bother her. No nurse assisting her…no doctor probing…
She was at home now and in the privacy of her own bathroom. She could take her time and allow herself time to adjust to her new reflection. She took a deep breath and then slowly disrobed.
It was both better and worse than she feared. Better because the scarring was contained to her chest, right side, her left shoulder and her leg. It was worse because it was gruesomely disfiguring.
Janie tried to fight the tears as her fingers slowly traced the long, perfect, bright red line down the center of her chest. This was were they had cracked her chest bone open multiple times to repair the torn aorta. Her hand skipped timidly to her side, tracing the raw jagged line where a piece of metal had lodged itself during the accident. Rolling her shoulder slightly, she could see where her jacket had torn leaving her skin vulnerable to the road rash that now marred her skin.
This couldn’t be her body. This couldn’t be her. She was only twenty-two. No twenty-two year old should have these kinds of scars. Her skin had been creamy and soft before the accident. She had always prided herself that it had always been blemish free.
Now, there were raised lumps and bunches of skin where stitches and staples had been used. She had been told that the redness would fade over time. It wouldn’t be as noticeable, but staring into the mirror, she couldn’t believe that. Even if the scarring faded, the raised skin would still be evident. The road rash would still cover her shoulder and the jagged marks on her right side would still be there.
Janie turned away. She couldn’t look anymore. She knew it was vain. In the grand scheme of things, she knew she was lucky to be alive…that beauty wasn’t only skin deep
But she also knew how she felt. Even if the doctor’s had really told her the truth and the scarring would get better, she would still feel like Frankenstein. A body put back together that should have been dead.
Janie buried her face in her hands, hoping her sobs didn’t carry through the bathroom door.
Chapter Seven
Something had held Shelley outside of the bathroom door. Truth be told, she had been praying ever since the door shut. It wasn’t that she didn’t empathize with Janie’s need to be alone or even understand it. She just knew how hard it was going to be on the young woman. It would be difficult for anyone to endure.
Her heart broke at Janie’s muffled sobs, but she didn’t trespass. She was grateful that the men had decided to stay outside. Otherwise, she would be hard pressed to give Janie the space that she needed to overcome the shock of seeing herself for the first time.
She waited an eternity for Janie’s broken tears to subside. Shelley swiped at her own, willing herself to pull it together for her patient. When it seemed quiet, she gently knocked and let herself in.
Janie didn’t acknowledge her presence and Shelley didn’t try to talk with her. Instead, she ran Janie a warm bath and helped her into it. While she soaked, Shelley hurriedly gathered Janie’s pajamas from her room. She grabbed sheets, blankets, and pillows from upstairs and quickly made up the couch. She thought to get Janie something to drink, but when Shelley re-entered the bathroom, Janie had already fallen asleep.
She barely got the young woman roused enough to dress, but Shelley was used to dealing with dead weight and soon had Janie tucked under to covers on the makeshift couch bed. Shelley dimmed the lights and then returned to the back patio.
Matthew had resumed the card game in her stead, but anxiously looked up when she joined them.
“Is she all right?”
Shelley bit at her lip, debating whether she should reveal the truth about Janie’s emotional state. Would she really want these two men to know? Slowly, she exhaled sending a desperate cry for help heavenward.
“No, she’s not,” Shelley quietly stated.
Matthew was standing next to her in a few quick movements, but Shelley’s hand pressed onto his chest blocking his entrance to the house. He stared at her questioningly as she shook her head.
“She’s sleeping right now,” Shelley cautioned.
“But I thought you said she wasn’t all right,” Matthew heatedly argued. Shelley shot a quick glance at Jake and sighed before looking back to Matthew.
“She saw the scars,” Shelley whispered.
A curse word echoed through the backyard. Matthew threaded his fingers through his hair and then punched the side of the house. He paced away from the patio and then returned.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” Remorse tinged his soft voice as he timidly approached Shelley. “But doesn’t she know that she’s lucky to be alive?”
“It will take time, Matthew,” Shelley patiently breathed. “You haven’t seen the scarring, but I have. You should know that it is quite extensive. Surgeons weren’t concerned with aesthetics when they were saving Janie’s life and unfortunately it shows. She may never come to grips with her appearance, Matthew. You and Jake should understand that.”
Matthew cursed again. “Geez. I’m sorry, Shelley. I’m not normally like this. I just…none of that matters. I wouldn’t change one scar in exchange for Janie. She has to understand that!”
Shelley shook her head. “Just be there for her, Matthew. That’s what she really needs right now. This isn‘t going to be an easy battle. It‘s only just begun.”
“I should have died,” Matthew almost missed the quiet words as he took a seat next to Janie the next morning. The sun was rising, casting glorious rays into the chilly air. The coffee in Janie’s hand steamed its complaints against the cold.
“But you didn’t,” Matthew quipped, sipping his own cup of coffee.
“Part of me wishes that I had.”
Matthew nearly dropped the coffee in his hands. He barely caught it before it burned his skin. Recovering, he set the mug on a nearby table and turned to face her.
“I’m glad that you didn’t, Janie-bug. I couldn’t imagine life without you in it,” he whispered.
That seemed to stun Janie out of her misery. She blinked and turned her head. Her gaze steadily met his own. “I may never walk again.”
“And there’s a good chance that you may.”
“My heart may give out.”
“And it may beat until a ripe old age.”
“I‘m scarred.”
“Badges of honor.”
“Frankenstein freakish scars,” she whispered, her eyes dipping in shame. “Vain, I know, but…it doesn’t look like I should have lived through it. I don‘t think I will ever get used to them and I couldn’t ask anyone else to get used to them either. ”
Matthew’s fingers tenderly cupped her chin and pulled her gaze up to his own. “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever known, Janie. There is nothing Frankenstein-ish about you.”
Tears escaped from the pools of her brown eyes. Matthew softly wiped them away. He hand trailed from her cheeks and gently tugged on one of her braids. “We will get through this, Sweetheart.”
The edges of Janie’s mouth tilted for a brief second as Matthew kissed her forehead. He wanted to kiss much more than that, but stop
ped himself. Janie needed more than that right now and he would not lead her on. Eventually, when she was strong enough, he was leaving. He would not leave her with a broken heart just to satisfy his own longings.
Janie stared at him, seeing his eyes darken with an unknown emotion. Feeling somewhat emboldened by her near death experience and his words, she tentatively asked, “Have you ever considered kissing me, Matty?”
Matthew’s eyes widened in surprise as he sought a way to respond. “I just did, Bug.”
“No. I mean really kissing me. I want you to.”
He immediately stood up, pacing away from her and putting distance between them that she could not physically overcome. “Janie, I love you like a little sister.”
Humiliated, she looked down at her hands and brought the coffee cup to her mouth. “It’s cold out here. I think I want to go inside.”
Matthew moved to pick her up, but Janie’s upper torso moved out of reach.
“Can you have Shelley bring out my chair, please?”
“Janie…”
“Please, Matthew. My entire life is falling apart right now. Do you think that for once, you could just do as I ask rather than assume you know what’s best for me?”
Janie watched as he disappeared into the house.
Chapter Eight
“You should consider cutting your hair for the trial.”
Janie’s head snapped up. The prosecutor had interrupted her quiet contemplations. She wanted to be anywhere but his office right now and he knew it. He had been discussing her case for over the last six hours, drilling her testimony and her recitation of her injuries.
Thinking he may have offended her, he continued. “At least, do something different with it. It would make you seem older…garner some respect from the jury. As it is right now, you look like you’re twelve years old.”
Janie fingered the long braids and sighed. She had been growing her hair out since she was twelve. Maybe he was right. Maybe she did need to change.
“Are we finished?” Agitated, she slowly stood when he nodded. She reached for her cane and hobbled to the door.