by J. Judkins
This was not the confession Kim had been expecting to hear.
“So, let me get this straight.” Kim held up a hand, trying to make sense of it in her head. “You’ve been ignoring me because you wanted to give me a choice, and not because you wanted to fill my head with desire and thoughts of you?”
“That’s right. I wasn’t doing any of that,” said Angel. “Did it work?”
“What do you mean, ‘did it work?’ You just told me it wasn’t your plan.”
“It wasn’t my plan,” confirmed Angel, “but I’m still curious. Did it work?”
Kim couldn’t meet Angel’s eyes. She glowered at the floor, instead. “Yes. It worked. Happy?”
Angel gave a tentative smile. “Very much. But please believe me, I only wanted to give you a choice and let you decide on your own. Filling you with desire was an unintended side-effect.”
“I wouldn’t say desire,” Kim grumbled. The remote twisted over and over in her hand. She tossed it to the couch.
“You did say desire,” Angel pointed out.
“Yes. I did say that. But I wouldn’t say it.”
Angel left eye twitched. “What about, ‘I didn’t realize through my inaction I was driving you into a sexual frenzy,’ instead?”
Why does Angel always do this?
“Wouldn’t say frenzy, either.”
“My point,” said Angel with a hint of exasperation, “is I mistakenly gave you the impression I didn’t want you. That simply isn’t true. I’d like for us to continue, if you would.”
Kim was still having difficulty wrapping her head around the first premise. Angel wanted sex on a constant basis. She knew this to be established fact. It had become something Kim could anticipate and plan her day around.
The very idea of Angel sacrificing and leaving it up to her implied that if and when they did make love in the future, it would be because Kim herself wanted it. Angel’s desires would no longer be a deciding factor. All the blame would fall on Kim.
Typical Angel, absolving herself of all the blame. Kim couldn't help but smile.
Tonight, Angel demonstrated how easily she could stir up Kim’s nonexistent sex-drive. And she did so by simply walking away. Kim reeled at the possibilities. How much passion could Angel engineer if she truly set her mind to it?
“You’re leaving everything up to me?”
“I want to give you the choice. I want you to be happy."
“You’re taking a risk.”
“I know.”
“And if I set the pace down to nothing at all? What then? Are you honestly willing to make such a sacrifice?”
Angel’s eyes looked haunted. “I’m willing to make it, if that’s your decision. I’ll follow your lead.”
Kim smiled wanly.
Angel’s choice wasn't a choice at all.
She understood, now. Angel had set the stage and then tricked Kim into confessing everything. Her fate had been sealed from the moment she set foot in the room. Kim couldn’t deny the desire she felt for Angel. The cravings compelled her to act.
And Angel made her admit it.
Set the pace, indeed.
Angel knew Kim would never call her bluff. Admit she wanted Angel now? Or admit it later? Those were the choices she’d been given. She dared not ignore the problem or take it lightly.
“Why would you want to leave this up to me? I like how you try to manipulate me.”
“But I wasn’t trying to this time,” Angel insisted.
“I know it’s in your nature, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Yes, I may complain about it from time to time, but that doesn’t mean I want you to stop it. When you set me up tonight to make me want you--”
Angel was already shaking her head. “I didn’t--”
“Let me finish! When you ignored me for the entire evening, I knew you were doing it to make me want you. I knew exactly what you were up to, and I resisted. But that wasn’t enough, was it? You took it one step further, pretending you did it by accident, offering me a choice that isn’t a choice--”
“You guessed that?” Angel looked amazed.
Kim scowled. “No, I figured it out.”
“But I never imagined you’d conclude I didn’t want you in the first place.”
“Dear God, I’m explaining step three to you, and you’re still amazed I figured out step one? Give me a little credit, Angel.”
“I’m just astonished, that’s all.”
“So if we…” Kim started, then paused, looking annoyed, “Yes? You had a question?”
Angel lowered her hand. “It’s not important.”
“Just say it.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m confused. If step one was engineered desire, what was step two?”
“Step two was making me admit it.”
“And step three?”
“The choice you gave me that isn’t a choice.”
“Ah.” Angel looked properly humbled.
“We both know it wasn’t an ‘unintended consequence.’ By claiming ignorance, you compelled me to explain your own plan to you, to say out loud how much I wanted you by admitting your plan worked.”
Angel raised her hand again. “Excuse me. I don’t really understand the other choice thing you mentioned.”
Kim sighed. “Step three was trying to make me choose if I was going to say I wanted you now or if I wanted to wait until after.”
“After what?”
Kim’s scowl deepened. “You already know after what.”
“Actually, I don’t. Please explain?”
“After the...cravings…got worse.”
“Oh! I see. Thank you for explaining. That was clever of me. And step four was making you say all this? By tricking you into admitting my evil plan worked?”
Kim took Angel’s hand in her own. “I like the way you manipulate me. I love the scheming and the plans within plans. This is who you are, and I wouldn’t change anything about you. Do you think I could have admitted any of this on my own? It’s all because of you.”
“You’re giving me far too much credit,” Angel said, a tremor in her voice as she looked away.
Kim used a fingertip to turn Angel to face her. Her lovely blue eyes tentatively met hers. “For my entire life, until I met you, I never felt physical desire for anyone.”
Angel gently bit her lip. The look was so cute it made Kim’s heart ache.
Kim swallowed against the sudden lump in her throat and pressed on. “You must have felt it too, as much as I did.”
“No, I wanted you more!” Angel engulfed Kim into a hug that sent them sprawling into the couch.
Chapter Forty-Four
Kim’s mind was unexpectedly clear that morning. They were having leftover stroganoff, but she didn’t much care about that. She couldn’t stop thinking about Angel’s words the previous night.
I wanted to give you the choice, Angel had told her. I want you to be happy. She’d been willing to let Kim take the lead. The sex would continue, but only if Kim initiated it.
It seemed like an empty threat, at the time.
Yesterday evening, Kim hadn’t caught the underlying meaning behind Angel’s words. But now she understood them. The implications were clear. Angel had been willing to set aside everything she’d accomplished to date. To put Kim’s happiness ahead of her own. To sacrifice her own happiness, if need be.
And sacrifice was the ultimate act of love.
Kim knew this because John Lithgow had told her so in the movie Cliffhanger. True, he’d been playing the villain at the time, but it was John freaking Lithgow! How could John Lithgow be wrong?
She took another swig of caffeine to steady her nerves. If she were right and Angel had been fully prepared to sacrifice everything, then…
Then Angel could be in love with her.
Kim took another long drink, then twitched.
Before, it had been easy. She’d believed Angel didn’t care. That made it relatively easy for Kim to maintain an emotional distance
.
But now, everything had changed. It almost made Kim wonder if Angel shaped her behavior with her in mind.
Could Angel be in love with me? What if it were true?
Kim wanted to believe it with an inexplicable intensity that surprised her.
Was Angel a better actress now, or had her feelings changed from pretending to care to genuine love? Everything pointed to genuine, but she simply didn't know. Not for certain. Kim couldn't let go of her doubt.
Now is the time to find out for certain.
Kim set her breakfast aside and gathered her resolve. “Were you serious, about being willing to give me up?” she ventured.
“Yes. Have you changed your mind?”
“I haven't.”
Angel’s hand slid across the table to find hers. Kim couldn’t meet her eyes. She felt a stab of guilt for what she planned to do next.
"A relationship is based on trust, Angel. It needs trust to survive," Kim said slowly, choosing her words with care.
"I trust you."
"No, I'm talking about me trusting you."
"Me?” Angel seemed taken aback. “What's not believable about me?"
Kim squeezed Angel’s hand, cursing the necessity of her actions. “I’ve known you for a long time, now, and...” she faltered as she thought about it.
Has it only been two weeks?
She started again. “For as long as I’ve known you, I’ve had the feeling you haven’t been…completely honest with me. Some of the things you’ve said, like your tourist job and how you said you lost your memory? They don’t ring true. And I’d like to know, is there anything you’d like to tell me?”
“You don’t trust me.” Angel’s face darkened. She pulled her hand away.
“Angel--”
"Is this a love thing?"
"Excuse me?"
"An argument could be made that I love you."
Kim blinked.
An argument could be made?
"I admit, I am not certain. Love is elusive, random, and hard to define. It sounds suspiciously like something you catch, not unlike a disease. It clouds reason. It mangles old priorities beyond recognition, and makes you emotionally reliant on the other person's happiness. I have all of these symptoms.
“A moment ago you said a relationship needs trust to survive. Perhaps it could be more accurately said love itself needs trust to survive. I understand now. You do not trust me. Because you do not trust, you cannot love me."
"That's how you say you love me?” Kim interrupted. “You analyzed it and reached a logical conclusion? Did you ever stop to consider there could be a reason why I don't trust you?"
"I have considered it. I have reached a conclusion. You’re emotionally immature. You innately distrust others, as evidenced by your shyness which is either a symptom or a direct result of it. I believe that for your entire life you’ve made a habit of avoiding human contact, preferring solitude. This conscious decision on your part to avoid others clearly stunted your emotional development. As a result, you cannot bring yourself to believe that someone else could possibly care for you and love you for who you are, despite evidence to support that conclusion."
"But...there's a reason," Kim insisted.
"You cannot bring yourself to trust, therefore you cannot love. To achieve progress, you need to overcome your trust issues."
"There's a reason, I said!"
“What reason?”
Kim opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She was stuck. What could she say?
Because I thought you were lying to me from the beginning and I couldn’t trust a single word you said? Because I knew you weren’t human and you pretended you were? Because I know you were sent here for a reason, and you claim to love me but still won’t tell me what that reason is?
Unable to tell Angel the truth, Kim glared at the table in silence.
"I've reached another conclusion,” Angel continued. “Love is supposed to be shared. I realize now I feel a certain sense of dissatisfaction after loving you. I don't feel fulfilled. I’ve come to the realization that this is because you do not love me in return. You are content to receive, but not to give."
Kim paled. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew where this was going.
"This is not a criticism of your behavior. It is an observation. Opposites attract. You're shy, while I have no sense of feminine modesty. You're paranoid and suspicious. I’m assumed to be underhanded and devious. I'm very good at pleasuring you and enjoy it. You're exceedingly bad at pretending you don't enjoy it.
"While it is true there is a certain satisfaction to be gained from having you begging for sweet release and crying out my name, I still feel a sense of discontentment after, no matter how many orgasms I give you.
"Until now, I couldn't understand it. I wondered what I must be doing wrong. Did we need toys? Should I tie you up? I did everything I could to please you, but once it was over and you were blissfully sated, I felt there was something missing.
“I now understand what it must be. It isn’t enough for me to satisfy you. You didn't love me back, Kim, and I want you to love me back.”
“Shut up, please.” Kim voice was barely above a whisper.
Angel was on her feet now. "Do you also feel a sense of dissatisfaction? Am I not attractive? After we make love, do you beg me to stop because you're physically exhausted or because you've grown tired of me? I admit, I have only recently become aware of my feelings and as a result have not been verbal in expressing them to date, but surely I have shown you by demonstration and example just how much I love you. Isn't this enough for you to trust me?"
"Shut up."
"What am I doing wrong? I'm addicted to you, Kim. You fill my thoughts. I love the way you whimper and cry out, how you writhe in pleasure and claw the air and dig your toes into the bed. I love how you touch and caress my body in return. I love the feeling of you running your fingers through my hair, the way you push me against you and gasp and moan and tell me how much you love it while I'm--"
"Angel! Shut up!"
Angel shut up.
Briefly.
"And another thing--" Angel began.
"No! Stop it! No more things!"
Angel shut up again.
"I'm sorry. I was raving," Angel said, sounding somewhat mollified.
Kim finished her drink and poured herself another one. Angel was dead wrong about her emotional development. Kim knew that for certain. A month ago, the subject matter of Angel's complaints would have killed her. Literally. It would have killed her.
But trust matters aside, Angel wasn’t entirely wrong about the...other thing. When she and Angel were together, Angel did ninety percent of the work. As for Kim, there was a lot of wandering hands and kissing. Lots of kissing.
But little else.
Okay, maybe a little bit of playing with Angel’s breasts when things got heated, but not much beyond that. Certainly nothing compared to what Angel liked to do.
It wasn't due to a lack of knowledge. Not anymore. After being shown by example more than a few times, Kim felt she had a good idea what Angel might like and how it should be done.
But it all came down to what she felt in her heart. Last weekend hadn’t been her idea. Angel had seduced her. Love hadn’t been a factor at all. Angel made it clear she only wanted her body.
Or at least, she had. Until today. Now Angel wanted more.
Kim’s expression darkened.
If Angel wanted a physical demonstration of love, she was going to have to wait.
All of this meant she needed to make a decision. There were two choices.
One, she could discuss it now. Bravely. Like an adult.
Or option two. She could take the coward’s way out. Put it off for as long as possible and hope the problem would somehow go away.
“Oh, look at the time!” exclaimed Kim. She dug out her cell phone and took a moment to look at the time, then showed it to Angel as evidence. “I need to leave for work. Traffic is boun
d to be bad.” Kim looked at her phone again. She frowned. “On…Tuesdays. Yes. Tuesday morning traffic is the worst. Do you think we could talk about this later?”
Angel waved a hand. “Later is acceptable,” she said, and started to leave. “I apologize for being so blunt in pointing out your shortcomings. We’ll have make-up sex after you return home.”
“Good,” Kim said, then her brow furrowed. “Wait--”
But Angel had already left the room.
Kim fumed, but didn’t go after her. “Yeah, we’ll do this later!” she shouted. “I’ll be looking forward to it! Later is just fine with me!”
Chapter Forty-Five
There was a little bit of downtime at work. Kim pulled out a notebook and stared at it. She'd be the first to admit she sometimes found it difficult keeping her facts and suspicions organized in her head, but even so, she hesitated at the idea of writing any of it down. Writing things down meant leaving a record. Leaving a record meant others could see.
She considered the problem. What about a code? She could leave out key words, code the rest, and make it so complex only she had a chance of possibly understanding it.
Angel’s words came back to haunt her. She said Kim was incapable of loving her because of trust issues, but Angel couldn’t be right, could she? Surely the fact that Kim had difficulty writing her own thoughts down without paranoia rearing its ugly head had nothing to do with anything?
Kim started writing.
Maybe just a simple code.
She started with the basics, with what she believed up until Angel’s declarations this morning. On the night they met, Angel had lied to protect herself. She used her relationship with Kim to blend in, which allowed her to focus her full attention on her dark mission.
But nothing had happened. No any alien devices. No contacting alien friends. Certainly no interest in going out to spy on the humans or gather military intelligence for her alien masters. It seemed as if Angel decided one day her old mission could go hang itself, as her relationship with Kim had become more important. It escalated to kissing and...other things. Intimate things.