Stage 4: Depression. I'm pretty much living this stage. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to move past it. I feel like I'm gasping for air sometimes when I start to think about Elliot.
The last stage, Stage 5, is Acceptance. Not. Going. To. Happen. In a way, I have accepted that Elliot is no longer with us but I will never accept that he's gone. He'll live on in my heart and the heart of everyone who knew him forever.
Even Will seems sad about the loss of Elliot. He's been hanging around a lot lately. I'm thankful for the company, but my hearts torn. I'm not in a good place right now. It's only been five days since the accident. Felicity hasn't woken up yet and Elliot's funeral is tomorrow. I can't handle anything else in my life right now.
I know I told Felicity that I was going to give this one a shot, but I don't think I'm going to be able to do it after all. I need his support to get through this, but I'm concerned about his expectations for once things start to settle down. For instance, last night I had a moment. I big one. Felicity's mom called and asked me to come to the hospital. She was crying so I instantly assumed that something bad had happened. After I hung up with her, I had a panic attack.
I couldn't breathe. I sat down and put my head between my knees and started to cry. My entire body was shaking vigorously. That's when Will showed up.
He helped me through it. He comforted me and drove me to the hospital and stayed with me while I visited Felicity so that the Grangers could have a break.
My concern is that it didn't take much for me to freak out. The bigger issue right now is that it took even less for me to calm down. Will's hand caressing my back. His words comforting me in a way that I'm not used to. He's a rock and right now that's exactly what I need. I need someone to be my rock.
I'm headed up to the hospital again tonight and I'm going to stay until morning. The Grangers have barely slept since they arrived. Neither have I, but I haven't been living at the hospital as much as they have. I try to sleep, but I can't. I close my eyes and picture the worst. I hear Mrs. Evans screaming. I hear Elliot and Felicity screaming. Then, I wake up screaming. I wake up in my empty house, all alone.
James is having the same problem. I talked to him this morning about the arrangements for tomorrow. He asked for pictures of Elliot. I pulled the box back out of my closet and gave him every picture I had of Elliot. I had a picture of Elliot, Felicity and I that I had framed a few months ago. I took that off the wall and gave it to him as well, the frame and all. It's the least I can do. It's the only thing I can do right now.
He asked me to speak tomorrow, but I don't think I can. I told him I would try, but I didn't make any promises. In my heart, I know Elliot would want me to try. He would do the same for me if the situation were reverse. He would try.
So, that's what I'm going to do. I won't sleep tonight so I'm going to try and write a nice speech to give tomorrow. My fear isn't public speaking. My fear is losing my shit in front of everyone. I'm not sure I'll be able to hold myself together while talking about him.
I say his name. I talk to him when I'm alone. I think about him when I run in the mornings. My life has always and still is revolving around Elliot. Mostly, I think about the important things he's said to me over the years. The big conversations we've had. Our last one being when he told me that he was going to ask Felicity to marry him.
I think about that conversation the most. I think about the life he was cheated out of, the one Felicity will be cheated out of no matter if she wakes up or not. I think about the future they could have had together. Kids. A house. Their very own happily ever after. Something I'll never have.
I've officially given up on Luke. It's time. It's been time for longer than I can remember. I've been dreaming of a life with someone who has no interest of having a life with me. He's never once attempted to reach out to me. I haven't seen him since the day he left and I don't want to. I know he'll be there tomorrow for the funeral, but I have no interest in making small talk with him. If he says anything to me I'll be cordial but nothing more. I will not seek him out.
I would like to think that Elliot would be proud of me for finally making a decision, for taking action. I'm not sure if he would agree with my decision, but I would like to think that he would. I know the path I've taken to get here has been twisted. I can't say that I wouldn't change anything, but I am happy that I was able to share my journey with my two best friends.
The clock in the living room chimes. It's time for me to head to the hospital.
On auto pilot, I drive across the city, park in the ramp and walk the all-to-familiar path that leads me to Felicity's room. The Grangers leave and I'm once again alone with my thoughts. I pull out my notepad and start to jot down some things I might want to say tomorrow. I scribble out the first two things on my list and write two more. I'm not normally a funny person and tomorrow is not the time to try my hand at humor. I want to keep it light but heartfelt.
"Rea-"
My head whips in Felicity's direction. Her eyes are open and staring into mine. "Felicity?"
"I hurt."
Oh. My. God. She's awake. I stand, the pad falling to the floor. All thoughts of writing Elliot's eulogy forgotten. I move closer to her and place my hand on hers.
"I need to get the doctor. I need you to stay awake." I back away, never taking my eyes off of her. I open the door, stick my head out and holler to the nurse down the hall. She comes rushing towards me followed by another woman.
They check Felicity from top to bottom and page the doctor. He shows up and starts asking her questions. Her name. Where she is. What city she lives in. Who I am. How she knows me. He asks her question after question and she answers them all, her voice growing stronger with each word uttered.
"Where are her parents?" The doctor asks me after he's finished questioning Felicity.
"Shit! They went to get some rest. I'll call them. I only live fifteen minutes away." I'm already dialing my phone. It rings and rings, but there's no answer. I try them again and this time Mr. Granger answers, half awake and mumbling.
"She's awake." Two words. That's all it takes to wake him up fully and get his engine running. Those two words just changed his world completely. What was dim only a few hours ago is now bright as day.
The doctor promises to return shortly once the Grangers have arrived to answer any questions they may have.
"Where's Elliot?"
I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I knew she would ask, but I didn't think it would be her first question. I can't tell her. I can't be the one. It's going to break her.
"What do you remember?"
"Reagan. Where is he?"
"I'll tell you, but I need for you to tell me what you remember first. Please." I beg her to talk to me. I need for her to talk to me. I need for her to be my friend right now because once the truth is out, she's going to change. Her life is going to change. Her heart is going to be crushed.
"He proposed and I said yes. We were headed to tell you and James. I'm assuming you knew he was going to ask me." I nod my head and smile at her. Of course, I knew. "We had just left his place when this minivan passed us and was swerving in and out of traffic. The guy was driving like a maniac so Elliot said we were going to take a short cut. That's the last thing I remember."
I swallow the lump in my throat. I'm glad she doesn't remember the accident. I'm glad her last memory of Elliot was the best memory she could possibly hold onto.
"Someone hit you guys. He ran a red light and crashed into Elliot's side of the car." The tears are starting to form in my eyes. I can't hold them back. "The burns on your face are from an airbag exploding."
"What about Elliot?" Tears are streaming down her face. She knows the answer to her own question. I shake my head. "Reagan. Where is he?"
I've lost my voice. I'm not ready to say it out loud. I can't. It'll make it real. It's real enough right now. His funeral is tomorrow. A funeral that Felicity probably won't be able to attend. The place where I'll have to say goodby
e to the best friend I've had since childhood. The best friend a girl could ever ask for.
He was my protector. My confidant. The only person who understood me. The one who pushed me to be the best I could be. The one who was there to catch me when I fell. He was my everything and now... he's gone. I love him, more than I'll ever be able to describe and in a way that I'll never love another again. I'm not sure I ever told him that.
I close my eyes and bow my head. I hear Felicity crying, but I know there's nothing I can do to comfort her. It hurts. It's going to hurt for a long time. The pain will never go away, but it will hopefully fade over time. I have to believe that one day Elliot's memory will make me smile and the pain will be a dull ache in my chest.
When the Grangers arrive, I let them have some time alone with Felicity. I pick up my fallen pad of paper and my purse and promise to come back and see Felicity tomorrow. I don't tell her it's Elliot's funeral. I know the doctor's won't let her leave the hospital to attend. We'll have our own private memorial once she's better. She needs to focus on her recovery right now.
The house is silent. It's an eerie feeling. I've never lived alone. Felicity and I have been roommates for eight years. She'll be home eventually but until then I'm going to have to get used to being here without her. Not tonight. Tonight I need company.
I rummage through my purse and pull out my cell. He answers on the first ring as if he was waiting for my call. He's walking through the front door with a bottle of wine and a smile half an hour later.
We sit on the back porch, drink wine and talk. I talk, he listens. I tell him every good memory of Elliot I have. I tell him about growing up next door to each other. I tell him about our fights in college. I could talk about Elliot for hours and hours and never run out of stories.
"James asked me to stand up and say something tomorrow. Today, actually." I say as I look down at my watch. It's after two in the morning. The funeral starts in less than eight hours.
"Are you going to?"
"I don't think I can. I want to, for Elliot. I want to honor his memory, but I don't think I'm ready to talk about him yet."
"You just did. I know it's different but I think you're stronger than you give yourself credit for Reagan." He takes my hand and slowly brings it to his lips, kissing my knuckles.
"I'm not. I haven't slept in days for more than a few minutes at a time it seems. I can't close my eyes without seeing him." I relish the feel of my hand in his. His touch is gentle and comforting. There's a reason I called him. Deep down I know it's not fair to him but I can't help it. I need him right now and I'm being selfish. There's no one else. I'm all alone.
Will excuses himself and disappears inside. I lean back in my chair and close my eyes. The breeze blows my hair around my face, tickling my nose. I smell the ocean, the salt. I listen as the wave’s crash against the beach. My body feels comfortably numb thanks to the wine. As long as I don't think about Elliot, his funeral or the fact that Felicity is broken inside and out, I might be able to sleep tonight. I take a deep breath and then another.
MY ALARM IS BLARING. I reach for it but something is in my way. Correction. Someone is in my way. I crack open my eyes to see that Will is fast asleep next to me. He's fully clothed and snoring lightly. I reach over him and shut my alarm off. Careful not to wake him, I crawl out of bed and tiptoe to the bathroom. I realize as I close the door behind me that if my alarm didn't wake him, nothing is going to.
I take off down the beach at a snail’s pace. I'm grateful I was able to sleep last night, but my lack of sleep is starting to catch up with me. If my alarm hadn't gone off, I could have slept the day away. I would have regretted it later on, but the thought is enticing.
The water is rough today, mimicking the feelings coursing through me. As the waves crash ashore, the spray blows against me, coating my skin in a sheen of salt mixed with water. It's both refreshing and annoying. It's causing my skin to itch, but I'm glad for the sensation at the same time. I feel it. I feel something other than the despair that's been encompassing me.
I stand under the spray of the shower much longer than I need to. The salt is gone. The sweat is gone. My body feels clean and refreshed, but the thought of starting my day consumes me. Once I shut the water off, get dressed and emerge from my room, the darkness will be real. I only have a few hours before I have to face reality. I want to make those hours pass as slowly as I can.
Wrapped in a towel, I make my way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. My mind is focused on what I'm going to wear today. Black skirt or black dress? Do I even bother to put on mascara? Oh! I have a new black pinstriped pantsuit I can wear. That will look nice with my favorite boots, the ones I bought when I went to visit Elliot that first time in New York.
"Good Morning." Will's voice catches me off guard. He's sitting at the counter, a cup of coffee in his hand. I assumed he went home when I didn't find him in my bed after my run. I was wrong.
"Hey. I didn't know you were still here." I reach up and carefully grab a mug from the cupboard, holding my towel to ensure that it doesn't slide down.
"I hope that's okay. I figured you went for a run so I made some coffee since it seems like Felicity always makes the coffee."
"That's fine." There's an awkward silence. Felicity does make the coffee. We also always sit out on the porch and catch up in the mornings. Feeling slightly awkward, I lean against the counter and blow on my cup causing the steam to rise. My lack of clothing is a problem for me. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "I'm going to get dressed for the funeral. Will you still be here when I come back?"
He puts his coffee down and tilts his head, studying me for a minute before he answers. "Do you want me to be?"
I don't know the answer to that. In a way, I do. At the same time, I don't. I have enough on my plate today. Adding Will into the mix will either help or hurt my situation. I would love for him to be there for the support. He has a way about him that calms me and makes me believe that everything is eventually going to be alright. The depression and anger are still there, but it doesn't consume me when he's around.
I don't know what to tell him so I don't answer. I smile at him and take my coffee back to my room to get ready for what is bound to be the worst day of my life thus far. Looking at myself in the mirror I see a version of myself I haven't seen in a long time.
Staring back at me is a much younger, less confident, scared Reagan. It's as if I've rewound time ten years. If only that were possible. I would save Elliot and Felicity from the crash. I would have introduced them back in college. There are so many things I would have done differently if I could go back.
Thinking about college and all the wasted time makes me think of Luke. I know I'll be seeing him in a few hours. I didn't ask James if he was in town, I assumed. I can't imagine him not coming home for Elliot's funeral. No matter his reasons for not coming home until now, this is different. Elliot was his brother, his best friend. He'll be there. If he's not... well then he's not the person I've been in love with anymore. The Luke I've loved most of my life is a caring person who always put others needs ahead of his own.
I blow out my hair and pull it back in a bun. My contacts don't want to cooperate so I slip my glasses on. I do my best to hide the bags under my eyes with concealer and look decent. The final result is less than glamorous, but it's not about being glamorous today. It's about remembering Elliot and he's a large part of the person that I used to be and an even bigger part of the person that I've become.
Will is waiting in the kitchen for me when I come out. He must have run home while I was getting ready because he's freshly showered and dressed for the funeral. He looks nice. Better than nice, actually. I take notice of how attractive Will is. His eyes are the lightest shade of hazel and they contrast nicely with his dark brown, almost black, hair.
"Thanks for being here today. I hope you know that it means a lot to me." I try to sound appreciative, but I fall short. I wish I sounded more sincere, but I only have two emotions
today. Sad and destroyed.
"You're welcome. I know Elliot meant a lot to you and I want to help in any way that I can. Today, tomorrow or next week. Whenever you need me for as long as you'll let me help."
His looks are mild in comparison to his personality. He has to be one of the nicest people I have ever met. He's much nicer to me than I deserve. I never expected him to talk to me after our first disaster of a date let alone be here for me like he has been the last week. Words will never be able to express my gratitude, but I'll find a way to try. Not today but soon.
The drive to the funeral home is solemn. I stare out the window and watch as life goes on around us. There’s a couple holding hands, waiting to cross the street. I see a mother and her daughter walking down the sidewalk eating ice cream. There's a man in a suit talking on his cell phone looking distressed.
Life goes on. Mine will. Felicity's will. Elliot's won't. He lived his life to the fullest while he was here, no regrets, but it was still cut too short in my opinion.
We're a few minutes early so I search for James and find him standing in front of the casket. The casket is closed as I expected. If the accident was even half as bad as the paper reported it, as I've imagined it over and over again, his casket would need to be closed. I would love to see my friend one last time but it wouldn't be the same and I don't want to remember him that way. I have pictures to help me always remember the Elliot that I grew up with. The Elliot that I loved. The man that I want to remember.
I stop a few feet away from him, my eyes trained on the back of his head and not the casket. I can't get any closer. Will takes my hand and squeezes it for support. I needed it just then and he knew somehow. "James." He doesn't turn around, only nods. "I've decided I would like to say a few words if that's okay with you still."
"I think he would like that, Reagan. Thank you." His head drops to his chest as he speaks. I can't imagine the sorrow that he feels right now. I'm sure it pales in comparison to mine and the sorrow that I feel is indescribable.
Next (Kiss Series Book 1) Page 11