This place changes you. It makes you realize who you want in your life and what you want to hold onto. I've realized how important you are to me, how much my heart yearns to be near you. It's also hardened my heart. I've seen things that I can't unsee. I've learned things about myself that I don't like.
I'm not the same person I was last year. I'll never be that person again and my fear is that you won't love the person I've become. That's my greatest fear. That's why I'm letting you go. One day we will meet again. When that day comes, my only hope is to find that you're happy and healthy.
I love you, Reagan. I think I always have and I know I always will. I may own a piece of your heart, but you own all of mine. That will never change. When I do see you again, my actions will speak for me.
Always in my heart,
Luke
April 1, 2006
Reagan,
I don't know what to say to you. I just got off the phone with Elliot. He was being an asshole. I asked about you and he freaked out on me. He started asking questions. I know we promised not to tell him but it might be time. He's not stupid. I think he's putting two and two together.
I'm not ashamed that I love you. We shouldn't have to hide it from him. I won't tell him without your permission though and since I'm too afraid to send these letters to you, I'll never tell him. It'll be up to you. If you decide that one day you want to tell him, you have my permission. He might take it better coming from you anyway. He's always had a soft spot for you. You're the sister he always wanted but never had. He was stuck with two brothers that constantly picked on him for having a girl for a best friend.
He was the lucky one. He had you. He still does.
Always in my heart,
Luke
December 24, 2007
Reagan,
I bought you a gift a few weeks ago. I was going to bring it home with me and then I chickened out. I made it all the way to the airport, checked in for my flight and went through security. I listened as they called for passengers to start boarding. I was frozen in place. I watched as they shut the gate and the plane departed.
I want to see you. I want to hold you. More than anything. If I'm going to let you move on, I can't see you though. I know it's been over three years, but it feels like just yesterday I promised myself that I would let you live your life.
Elliot said that you changed your hair. I'm sure it looks amazing. He also told me that you've been acting different lately. I'm not judging you, but he says that you've been dating a lot. His exact words were something like "she's going through boyfriends faster than I go through underwear." I'm worried about you. Please don't do anything you can't take back. Regret is a funny thing. Trust me. There is so much that I regret.
Not sending my letters for one. Avoiding going home. Avoiding seeing you. My biggest regret is not telling you the truth about how I feel. There are so many things that I wish I could change, do over, but I know that I can't.
I'll find a way to make all of this up to you, Reagan. I promise.
Merry Christmas!
Always in my heart,
Luke
January 18, 2008
Reagan,
You still love me. When your letters stopped coming I assumed you moved on, no matter what Elliot would tell me. After talking to him on his way home from your place last night, I know that you love me. At least, according to Elliot who was pressing me for answers.
Don't worry. I didn't tell him anything. He needs to hear it from you.
He was angry, Reagan, and maybe a bit confused. Whoever Preston is has him on edge. Does he really look that much like me? Elliot thinks you're looking for me, that you're trying to replace me. I hope that's not the case. I hope you never replace me with another man. I understand why he would think that, though.
There was a girl - I'm sorry, I know you aren't going to want to hear this - last year that I tried to date. She was sweet and innocent like someone else I know. Her eyes... that's what really got me. They were so similar to yours that I got lost in them. It was like I was looking at you if I stared at her long enough. Her hair was even a close match.
I made it two dates before I had to break all ties with her. It was too weird. She was you, but she wasn't. Her physical features were similar, but that's where it ended. I don't want a stand-in Reagan. I want the real thing because no one will ever be able to compare to you. No one gets me like you do. No one turns me on like you do. Sorry, that may have been a little bit of an over share.
The point is, I think it's time to tell Elliot. I wish I had the courage to send you this letter so that you knew. When you're ready, when the time feels right, I know that you'll tell him.
Always in my heart,
Luke
May 25, 2014
Reagan,
This is my final letter to you. I'm on my way home. I'm on my way to see you. I'm actually sitting in the airport right now waiting for my plane to board. Once I seal this envelope, I'll place it in the bag with the rest of them. I'm bringing them all with me, to give to you. I owe you an explanation and I'm not sure that words will be enough. I think the letters will help you. Writing them has helped me.
Elliot put everything in perspective for me this afternoon. He's the reason that I'm finally coming home. He says that you're miserable. All I've ever wanted for you is to be happy. It seems I've had the opposite effect on you than I intended to have. Letting you go was supposed to be a good thing for you. I was trying to be selfless. I screwed that up and I'm so sorry. I plan to spend the rest of my life making it up to you if you'll let me.
I love you, Reagan Elaine Brooks. By the time you read this letter, I hope I've shown you how much I love you and have loved you for the last ten years. I have a decade to make up for and I'm going to start as soon as my plane lands. I hope you're ready.
Always in my heart,
Luke
I NEED TO TAKE a break. With every new letter I read my emotions run wild. To know that Luke was thinking about me all these years... I don't know what to do with that information. My hope was that one day we would be together. When I dreamt about him I always wished that he was dreaming of me as well. To know that he was, that I was on his mind as much as he was on mine, is surreal.
It spins a whole new perspective on things.
I change my clothes and make my way down to the beach. My plan is to run, but my body has other ideas. The sleepless nights and stressful days are getting to me. Instead, I walk and think of Elliot. I let my mind wander as I stare at the beautiful homes that are along the water.
Money. Success. None of it really matters. Happiness and the people you surround yourself with, the people that you share your life with, the people you love. That's what matters in life. It's not what you have it's how you live.
I take a seat and stare out into the darkness. I'm not sure what time it is, but the sun has been down for hours. There's a chill in the air and my skin pebbles as a breeze blows off the water. I rub my hands up and down my arms to warm myself when I feel someone standing behind me.
The hairs on the back of my neck stand up until I hear his voice. I let out the breath I was holding and shake my head.
"What are you doing down here?"
"You happen to stop in front of my house and take a seat on the sand so I thought I would join you." Will wraps a blanket around my shoulders as he takes a seat in the sand next to me. "I took that as a sign that you might need to talk."
We do need to talk, but I don't think he's going to like what I have to say. Will's been chasing me for years and his timing has always been horrible. This time is no different. I was ready to give him a chance, to really try and make it work this time. Luke showing back up made my head spin in circles and his letters have caused an ache in my chest that I don't think will ever go away.
"I do need to talk to you but I don't think now is a good time." I look over at him but can't see his expression. There's a porch light shining brightly behind him and no matter
how hard I squint, I can't make our more than the structure of his cheeks.
"I'm guessing this has something to do with the guy that was at your house earlier."
"Um. That was Elliot's brother, Luke. How did you know I had company?" Was he spying on me? What did he see? What did he hear?
"I came over a few hours ago to check on you and I heard you yelling."
"I had no idea. You didn't knock." I wish I knew exactly what he heard when he was there. I've never talked about Luke with Will. There was never a reason to.
"I walked so I was coming up the back and when I reached the top step of the porch I heard you. It didn't look like he was hurting you so I didn't stay. Is everything alright?" His concern for my well-being makes my heart ache. I never intended to hurt Will, it was the farthest thing from my mind, but I knew this day would come and I should have prepared myself better. I should have prepared him for it. I should have told him about Luke.
Who am I kidding? I could barely bring myself to tell Elliot all those years ago. I would never have told Will if Luke hadn't shown up.
"I'm managing. Thanks for asking."
"I'm worried about you."
"I know. I'll get through this." I get the feeling he's not referring to Elliot or the funeral. He knows more than he's letting on.
"Is there anything I can do? Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't think so but thank you." I'm going to have to talk about it with him eventually. No matter what decisions I make, I'm going to have to let go of Will. If I choose Luke, if I pursue him after everything is said and done, I'm going to have to tell Will everything. If I don't choose Luke, I'll probably still let Will go and he'll want answers. It's not fair to him to keep him in the dark. I push myself off the sand and wipe my hands on my shorts. "I'm going to head back to the house. I'll call you tomorrow."
"Do you want company?"
I cringe before quickly forcing a smile. Hopefully, he couldn't see my face. "Not tonight."
"Okay. Goodnight then." Will stands and pulls me in for a hug. I resist the urge to push him away and instead wrap my arms around him. It'll be the last time. I let him savor the moment before I pull back and start back towards my house. "Reagan," he calls.
"Yeah," I stop and turn towards him.
"Do you still love him?"
He must have listened longer than he let on if he's asking me that question. I wish I had an answer for him, but I don't. I wish I had the courage to tell him everything. "I don't know."
Without waiting for a response, I turn my back to him and head home. There are more letters waiting for me, but I don't think I'm up to reading them tonight. I need to figure out how I feel about Luke and what I want before I read anymore. I won't let this be about him. The only way to separate the two would be to make a decision without knowing everything.
I rinse the sand off of me in the shower and head to bed.
I grab my phone and listen to my voice mails. Felicity called me twice earlier. She sounds depressed. I'd already planned to visit her in the morning so I'll talk to her then. They are planning on releasing her in a few days. Her parents tried to convince her to go back home with them, but she's putting up a fight. She wants to stay here. I love her for that, but I want her to be happy too.
There are memories of Elliot here. I see him everywhere I turn. I know she will too. This is the place they met for the first time. The place where they fell in love. I'm barely holding it together. She's always been stronger than me in so many ways. I hope for her sake that this is one of those times that her strength shines through.
Sleep eludes me for most of the night. I move to the couch and turn on the television. The letters are calling to me. I read one, cry my eyes out and then try to sleep. The cycle repeats itself until the sun comes up. My eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles under them. I can hide the imperfections with makeup but not the eyes. They tell the world my story.
Felicity is sleeping when I finally make it to the hospital. Against my better judgment, I read a few more letter before taking a shower. I had a meltdown. I let it all out. I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn't.
I answer a few work emails while I wait for Felicity to wake up. Her parents are nowhere to be found which I'm grateful for. I'm sure her mother would be concerned with the way I look right now. I don't need for her to worry about me. She needs to focus all her energy on her own daughter.
"You look like shit," Felicity says, her voice still groggy from sleep.
"You didn't even want to try and sugar-coat that?" Her smile lights up the room and she pushes herself into a sitting position. "I tried to hide it with makeup, but apparently I didn't do a very good job."
"You covered your face just fine, but I know you better than that. Your posture gave you away. You never slouch your shoulders forward unless you're sad."
Damn! I didn't realize I had a tell. Leave it to Felicity to wait this long to point it out.
"What can I say? You hide your emotions better than I do."
"Not really. I'm having a good day. That's the reason I tried calling you a few times last night. Where were you?"
Let the inquisition begin...
"Luke showed up."
There is a mix of emotions that cross her face in less than a second. I see shock and sorrow. Joy and agony. By the time she gets control of herself, her uncertainty is all that's left. I let my words sink in for another second before I continue.
"I'm okay if you were wondering."
"You're here so there's that."
"Yes. I got out of bed this morning, or rather off the couch. I didn't sleep because I couldn't get my brain to shut off and I skipped my morning run but otherwise I'm fine."
"What did he have to say? What was it like seeing him again?" She's starting to rapid fire questions so I put my hands up in protest.
"One question at a time. It was weird seeing him, talking to him. It was almost like no time had passed but at the same time it felt like I was talking to a complete stranger. He's different. Not in a good or bad way, just different." I pause, giving her a second to catch up. I'm not sure my words make any sense to her. When she nods, I continue. "He apologized. That's about all. I yelled a bit, he explained a bit. Nothing really came out of the situation to be honest with you. I'm just as confused this morning as I have been for years."
"I wondered if he would try to talk to you. James came to visit a few days ago and said that he was going to be at the funeral. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't want to get your hopes up in case he didn't show. I was worried about you when you didn't answer last night."
"I'm sorry. I didn't hear my phone ring. After he left I went for a walk and didn't think to bring it with me." Felicity is chewing on her bottom lip and avoiding eye contact. That's her tell. Something is on her mind and she's afraid to say it. "Out with it. What are you thinking about?"
"Will." I cringe when I hear his name. "Have you at least talked to him?"
"I ran into him on the beach last night. I promised him I would call him today, but I don't have an answer for him yet. I'm supposed to talk to Luke today, too. He leaves tomorrow night to head back east and I have at least a hundred letters to read still."
"Letters?" Felicity's curiosity is peeked. I wasn't going to mention the letters.
We talk for another hour before the doctor comes in. I end up giving her the play by play of what happened last night from the time Luke showed up to the time I woke up this morning. I share a little bit of what's in the letters I've read so far with her. She acts as my sounding board as we bounce options back and forth as to what I could do, what I should do and what I want to do.
By the time I head back to the house, I still haven't made a decision. I contemplate my options the entire way home. I can try and make things work with Luke, picking up where we left off, giving us the chance that we've both wanted for all these years. I would have to forgive him completely. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that or capable of doing tha
t right now.
I can accept Luke's apology and we can try and start fresh. We're both different people than we were back then. We've grown up but have we grown apart? Both of those options require one of us to move. I'm not willing to try and make things work, starting over or not, from a distance.
Or, lastly, we can try and be friends and nothing more. I'm not sure I was built to be just friends with Luke. There was a time, before puberty, that I saw him as just a friend, but that was so long ago. I'm not sure I even remember what it's like to not have feelings for him.
I have Will to consider in all of this too. The only option that includes Will is if Luke and I try to be friends. There's no room for him in my life otherwise. Do I want him in my life, though? Hasn't he just been a fill-in like the others? If I have Luke, do I really need Will?
WILL IS WAITING for me on the back porch when I emerge for my run. I'm not surprised to see him. I expected him to call hours ago. If he's anything, it's predictable. And impatient. The man doesn't give up easily.
"You didn't call."
"So you thought you would just show up and I'd be ready to talk?" The frustration with my current situation is apparent in every word I speak. I'm not frustrated with Will or even Luke. I'm frustrated with myself. I can't make a decision. I don't know what I want.
Will takes a step back as if I've slapped him. "I'm sorry."
"No, Will. I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you. I've got a lot on my mind and I haven't slept much. I shouldn't have snapped at you."
"I get it. You just lost your best friend and then the love of your life shows back up and rattles your cage. I want to help, but you won't let me in."
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