I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to write to you more the last few months. It's been a little chaotic. My commanding officer asked me to re-enlist last week and I've been tossing the idea around. I called Elliot to ask his opinion. You can guess how that went over. He's still begging me to come home. He wants me to come visit.
It's not that I don't want to. I do. I miss my brothers. I miss my family. Most of all, I miss you. That's what scares me the most. I'm afraid to see you. Not because I think that things will be different. I know they will. I'm afraid to see the pain in your eyes. The pain that I've caused. I'm also afraid to see the love.
I'm afraid that if I see it, I won't be able to hide my feelings for you any longer. What terrifies me even more than seeing you and the love in your eyes? The idea that your love for me may have faded. That it won't be there the next time we're in the same room together.
I hope that's not true. More than anything.
Always in my heart,
Luke
READING LUKE'S LETTERS caused my heart to swell. Until the last one. Then I cried. What boyfriend? Did Elliot lie to him? I look at the date on the top and think back. Who was I dating at the time? Who did Elliot meet?
I know he met Preston, but that can't be who he was talking about. Is it?
It doesn't matter now. All that matters is where we decide to go from here. Where I decide I want to go from here. I know exactly where that is. Now, I need to talk to Luke.
No. I need to go see him. I can't leave right now. I have to go back to work on Monday and Felicity needs me. I promised her parents that I would take care of her when they left. I can't break my promise to them. They would never forgive me. Plus, I've already lost one of my best friends. I can't lose the other one.
Before the summer is over. I'll take the summer and spend it with Felicity. I'll help her recover and get back on her feet. When she goes back to work, I'll take a vacation east. I've never been to North Carolina. I think it's about time I check it out.
FELICITY IS RECOVERING well, but she's putting on weight too. I know she's not nearly as active as she use to be, but I've never seen her this hefty. She eats healthy and stays away from all caffeine, except coffee. Even that hasn't appealed to her lately.
She claims that she feels fine and insists on going back to work on Monday. I beg her to go to the doctor first to get checked out.
"I don't need to see another doctor, Reagan. Don't you think that if something was wrong with me, one of the ones I saw after the accident would have said something to me?" I hear how irritated she is, but I'm not giving up. I'm actually going to push her buttons and get her really pissed off in a minute.
"You hadn't put on this much weight last month. In fact, it's been in the last two weeks."
"So basically you want me to get checked out because I'm getting fat?" She tilts her head to the side, hand on her hip. She's obviously not happy with me. I'm getting that look. It's the same look I've been getting a lot recently. I call it her "you're not my mother" look. It's kind of cute.
"Hear me out. You have never been this heavy the entire time I've known you. You could eat like crap for months and not gain weight. You have to admit that something is wrong. Please, Felicity. Just let the doctors check you out." I lay it on thick. I stick my bottom lip out and give her my sad eyes. I really am concerned for her. I'm the spastic girl who searched her symptoms on the Internet last night. Bad idea.
"Fine but you owe me ice cream for letting you drag me to another doctor."
I do a little happy dance and grab my phone, dialing my physician before she can change her mind. He's able to squeeze her in this afternoon which works perfectly. My flight leaves tomorrow morning and I want to make sure that she's okay before I skip town for a few days.
"You're appointment is at two. Do you want ice cream before or after?"
"Have you called Luke yet?" Felicity asks, taking a seat at the counter.
"Nice subject change. Not yet. I think I want to surprise him." I've thought about calling him since I bought my ticket last week. I can't bring myself to do it.
"That should be interesting. What if he's not home?"
"Then I'll wait. Or I'll call. I'll probably just wait unless it takes him forever and then I'll have to call." I'm rambling. I'm sure she can hear how nervous I am. I can hear it. It's only been a few months, but so much can change in an instant, this is no different.
"Have you thought about asking James for help?"
"Where do you think I got his address? He offered to help, but I declined. I want to do this on my own. I need to."
Felicity smiles at me softly. I know she's happy for me, but right now she's thinking about Elliot. Her eyes betray her. Her smile doesn't light up the room and her eyes are sad. I called her out on it once and only once. She cried when I did. Now, I take it as a sign to change the subject.
I lost Luke once and I remember clearly how devastated I was. For years, he was all I thought about. My darkness will never compare to the hell that Felicity has been through. After she came home, she was sick all the time. They kept changing her meds and nothing helped. Finally, she stopped taking them all together and the vomiting ceased.
A few weeks after she came home she seemed to be in a better place. It didn't last long. The Evans sold Elliot's condo and called to ask Felicity if there was anything she wanted before they cleared it out. I volunteered to go over and get her things and a few things I thought she might like, but she insisted that she do it herself. Alone.
When she didn't come back for hours I got worried and went over there. I found her curled in a ball on his bed, sobbing. She was clutching one of Elliot's shirts for dear life. I had to call James to come and help me get her home. The shirt came with us, along with a handful of other ones I thought she might want later on. She sleeps in them most nights, but I've never seen a single one of them in the laundry pile. I'm assuming they still smell like him.
The last few weeks she's been coping better; helping her has helped me. I dream of Elliot from time to time but not as often. I miss our conversations, but I know that when he's not with me at night that he's comforting her. She needs him more than I do at this point.
We stop for ice cream on the way to the doctor’s office. Felicity orders a plain chocolate cone, Elliot's favorite. It's the little things I've noticed lately. She's clinging to things about him that I will never understand. His favorite ice cream. His favorite movies. The music they use to listen to together. She's trying to keep his memory alive the only way she knows how, the only way she can.
She goes into the room alone. I pull my phone out of my purse and contemplate calling Luke a hundred times before she comes back out. I talk myself out of it before I hit send. I really want to surprise him, but he's never been one to enjoy surprises. Hopefully, this will change his mind. This is meant to be a good surprise.
What if he's with someone when I show up?
No. James assured me that he hasn't talked about anyone else but me since he left. That doesn't mean that he doesn't have needs that need to be fulfilled. Maybe he has a booty call. I shake the thought of Luke with another woman from my mind and put my phone away.
Felicity finally comes back out. She looks the same but somehow different. She tips her head toward the front door and I follow her out to the car. I wait for her to tell me what's going on, but she's silent the entire drive home. It's killing me, the not knowing what's happening. Is she okay?
Turning off the alarm, I close the front door behind us. Felicity has already disappeared into the kitchen. She hands me a bottle of water and motions for me to take a seat at the counter. I give her a questioning look, but she pleads with me using only her eyes. This is serious.
I take a seat and Felicity starts to pace the length of the kitchen. She opens her water and takes a sip before replacing the cap and setting it on the counter. I think she's going to tell me what's going on, but she doesn't. She starts pacing again, this time biting her bottom lip.
"
I'm going crazy over here. Please tell me what the doctor said. Are you okay?"
She stops walking and turns toward me. "Yes. I'm fine. We're fine."
Felicity places her hands over her growing belly and her words sink in. "What?"
"I'm pregnant, Reagan. Sixteen weeks to be exact."
I do the math and know for sure that it's Elliot's. Not that there's been anyone since Elliot. It must have happened just before the accident.
"Oh. I don't know what to say. Are you okay? Is this okay?" I point to her belly, not knowing what to do or say at the moment. If the situation were reversed I would be scared to death. She doesn't look scared at all.
"I'm fine and yes, I'm happy about this."
"Really?"
"I was freaked out at first. I had no idea. We were always careful and with as many doctors as I've seen lately, you would think one of them would have caught it. He said that it may have been too early to detect anything while I was in the hospital. What's important is that I have a part of Elliot growing inside me. He may not be here, but a piece of him always will be."
When you look at it that way...
"Congratulations are in order then. You should call your parents." I try to sound excited for her, but I can't muster the right emotions as I speak. For the first time in weeks, I feel sad. I feel Elliot's loss in my heart again and it aches down deep.
"I know how you're feeling right now, Reagan. Give it time. I never thought I would be able to share my heart with another person after Elliot. Now I have a tiny human growing inside my body and my heart couldn't feel any fuller. It's a weird feeling. I love it already and I just found out it was in there."
I nod my head as if I understand what she's saying. I get the concept, but I don't think I'll fully understand the impact being pregnant has on a person until I am that person. One day I'll think back on this conversation and it'll make perfect sense. Until then, I'll pretend to understand and be happy that my best friend is out of the dark hole she's been hiding in. She's lighting up the room with her smile again. That's enough to make me happy.
I head to my room to finish packing while Felicity calls to tell her parents. She plans to call the Evans next. I hope the news helps them the same way it's helping her. They've put on a brave front recently, but I've known them long enough to know that it's just that. A brave front and nothing more.
MY FLIGHT LANDS in Raleigh just after five o'clock local time. With the time difference, I'm getting in later than I originally planned. I should have booked an earlier flight. I'll have to remember that next time I fly east. I pick up my luggage and rental car in record time. It's almost six by the time I leave the airport and head to my hotel to check in.
I'm back on the road as quickly as the elevator ride allows. I follow the turn by turn directions my phone is giving me and pull up in front of a small blue house only five minutes outside the city. It's a cute little cottage-style house with a bay window in the front and white shutters. It doesn't look anything like the houses we grew up around. It's quaint and fresh. I love it. It fits Luke's personality perfectly.
I slowly get out of the car, grabbing the white envelope out of my purse in case he's not here. I make my way up the sidewalk and then the front steps. They creak and give away the houses age. The front porch has character. There are two white wicker rocking chairs and a small table between them. I picture Luke sitting in one of those chairs, a beer in his hand, as he watches the sun set below the tree line.
The thought makes me smile. I would love to sit in the other chair and watch with him.
I take a deep breath and open the screen door. I knock twice and close the screen. It clatters against the frame as it slips out of my hand. I cringe at the loud noise until I realize that no one is here to hear it but me. I peek into the front window to make sure that he's not inside. I don't see movement inside the house so I put plan B into motion. I open the screen door back up and this time I close it slowly, trapping the envelope in the frame. It'll be the first thing he sees when he comes home.
Now it's a waiting game.
I make my way back to the hotel and sit in my room staring at my phone. I watch as the time passes by. The seconds feel like minutes. The minutes like hours. After two hours, I can't take the waiting any longer. I pick up my phone and dial his number. It goes straight to voicemail. Shit!
I didn't make a plan C. I didn't think I would need it. I didn't think beyond him either being home or not being home. He has to come home eventually, right? Maybe surprising him wasn't such a good idea.
I change my clothes and put on my running shoes. I need air. I need to get out of this hotel room and clear my mind. There's a park down the block. I'll run there and back. I stretch my arms and legs in the elevator on the way down.
The cooling night air hits my face and I smile. Yes, this is exactly what I need. I set off in the direction of the park. I passed it on my way back from Luke's house. I see it coming into view and let my mind start to wonder.
If he's not home, where is he? Maybe he went out. It is Saturday night. Maybe he had a date?
No. His final letter to me basically said that he would be here waiting for me. Well, I'm here. If he's waiting for me, I'd like to know where he's waiting. It doesn't matter. I'm not leaving without seeing him. He needs to know I'm here. He needs to read my letter. I won't give up just because he's not home. I waited ten years for him the first time. I can wait a little longer.
I turn into the park and keep going. It's beautiful. The trees are tall and in full bloom. In a few months, the leaves will start to change colors and eventually fall. I'm sure it's beautiful here when that happens. There's a water fountain up headed. Two mermaids standing tall, water flowing from their mouths. Just past that there looks like a small pond. I see geese roaming the lawn.
I take a left when the path split and head farther away from the hotel. The park is much bigger than it looked when I drove past. There's a playground coming into view now. The swings sit empty, moving slightly from the breeze. The glare of the setting sun bounces off the metal of the slide and temporarily blinds me. The parents have all taken their children home for the night. It has to be getting close to eight by now. I'm sure some of those children are laying their heads on their pillows right now and closing their eyes as sweet dreams invade their heads.
Felicity will be dealing with all of this soon. I'll be there to help her. We'll take it to the park. It. I can't keep calling her unborn child it. It feels weird. She finds out in a few weeks if she's having a boy or a girl. At least then I'll be able to say he or she. I wonder what Felicity will name it.
The Evans will be there to help too. They were more than excited to hear that Elliot's left behind a legacy. "His spirit will live on in his child," they said according to Felicity. Mrs. Evans was going to take Felicity shopping today for nursery furniture. By the time I get home, our spare bedroom will be completely transformed.
I take another left and head back to the main road. The temperature has dropped slightly, but the humidity is still hanging around. Sweat is dripping from parts of my body that I didn't even know produced sweat. My hair looks as if I've just jumped out of the shower. That's what I need right now. A shower. A very cold shower.
Walking through the lobby of the hotel people stare. I don't really care. I'm not here to impress them. Plus, I'd like to see what they look like after a long run in that stifling humidity. I'm sure they wouldn't look any better. I do feel horrible for the man in the elevator with me. I can't smell good.
The spray of the shower rinses away the sweat and grime. I feel like a new woman as I turn the water off and step out. I wrap one towel around my hair and another around my body. After brushing my teeth, I head to get dressed and check my phone. If Luke hasn't called me yet I'm going to call him.
I have three missed calls, none of them are from Luke.
Hey, girly. I hope you made it there safe. Call me if you need me. I'm going to hanging out at the house tonight lookin
g at paint samples. How do you feel about a soft green? Is that a neutral color or should I wait until I know what I'm having. I'm sure it's a boy, but you never know. Call me later.
She sounds happy. Happier than she has in months. I know that these have been the most trying months of her life. She's dealt with things one day at a time, the best that she can. To hear the joy in her voice again, to watch as her smile lights up the room, makes me smile too.
Reagan, its James. Give me a call when you get a second.
He tries to sound nonchalant, but I can hear the panic in his voice. I wonder what's going on. I'll have to call him back first.
Reagan, it's James again. Call me back. I need to talk to you.
Now he's not trying to hide the panic. I quickly dial his number and listen as it rings and rings. I hope everything is alright. My thoughts immediately go to Felicity and the baby. Her voicemail was from an hour ago. She must have called right after I left for my run. James left me two messages while I was in the shower, the last one from only ten minutes ago. Why is he not answering? When his voicemail picks up I hang up and dial again.
I leave him a voicemail this time and call Felicity. She picks up on the second ring.
"Hey!" She sounds ecstatic to hear from me.
"What's going on? Are you okay? Is the baby okay?" I cut to the chase. I'm talking a mile a minute but I can't help it. Something is wrong and I need to make sure that she's okay, that everyone I love is safe.
"Yeah. We're good. Uncle James is here to visit right now. He brought me food."
"James is there? Can I talk to him?"
"Sure. Hold on." I hear muffled voices and then James is on the other end of the line.
"What the hell? You had me freaked out. Is everyone okay?"
"We're all fine. You should bail on the rest of your business trip and come home. We miss you." All? Business trip? Where is he going with this? He knows where I am. It's almost as if he's speaking in code. Why would he be speaking in code unless...
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